Can't get over the feeling of wanting to meet someone and settle down

LegacyUser

Ok so after another disappointment by a guy I am feeling sad and upset and I don't know how to shake it. I guess I'm just looking for advice or has anybody here been in the same situation.
I'm 26, female and most would say I have a lot going for me. I think I'm pretty ok to good looking.. a nice person.. Don't set out to hurt others.. a good friend and always up for the Craic.
Contrary to the impression I'm giving I don't set out to meet guys,, one boyfriend I met after an accident and another just randomly when a night out was over and we got chatting. I have friends who go out in certain places to meet certain guys etc and I'm not and never have been like that.
Latest guy we were seeing each other since Christmas.. It ended and he asked me to meet up again so I did and we were really happy or so I thought until few weeks ago. I have been gutted since but getting along with things and I know ill be fine.
The problem is that I get worried that ill never meet anyone to spend my life with. I see cousins and friends who are married or in long term relationships and they seem so happy. I know things are not all rosy but I'm just at the stage where I feel it's what I really want.
I think I have a lot to offer in relationships and keep wondering why I always get hurt. The last wedding I was at I cried when I went to bed as I was in my own and by the end of the night people had coupled up and I just felt there was something wrong with me that I wasn't. It's like I want the whole marriage, maybe not even that..just someone that completely loves you apart from your family. I'm just afraid it's not going to happen for me and I don't want to keep thinking about it. In one sense I think if it happens, it happens because you can't force these things but in another sense if I met the right person tomorrow I'd be completely ecstatic.
It seems to have been on my mind lots lately and seeing people and hearing people coupled up makes me sort of resentful which is completely wrong. I haven't even had a relationship longer than three months. Just writing this incase there's others who are/have been in the same situation and are coping ok or not. I just don't want this to upset me anymore but I can't help it, I hold it in for so long and like the night of the wedding I went to bed and just bawled. I know it's sad, and stupid but how do I stop it.

stop animal cruelty

I am just like you. I'm 21 & never had a bf, not even close, l'v never been on a date with a guy. The only thing l care about is finding the one & be happily married. l feel like lv loads to give too to someone. Have had plenty of nights too bawling crying worrying l'll never marry or have a relationship. Its my biggest fear not finding the one.

Theres times when l think, look l'll be grand if l don't meet someone, least l'll have my own space etc but deep down inside it upsets me so much just like you! reading you op, its exactly what l think. Most nights l wish l had someone cuddle up to, theres even times when l think of really romantic places to go or things to do....& lv no one!!:o l know people say you shouldn't rely on a man to make you happy but lm that kind of person...l want to give & recieve, just be loved & give love...don't want to end up lonely & loveless

LegacyUser

Hi there, just had to reply as I'm exactly the same as you except I'm almost 30. I've also never dated anyone longer than 3 months. The thought of being alone consumes me a lot of the time. I'd be considered a good catch, good looking, good career, friends, family, all that but it's never happened. I'm actually starting counselling to look into it further as I've realised the problem is me. Perhaps you could try counselling to see if there is an underlying problem? With me, I lost a parent as a child and whenever I'm seeing someone, once it gets to a few dates, I get paralysed with fear that they'll go away, so I'm not being myself and then they end it anyway. I don't know about your past but there could be something like that that keeps you from getting what you want. Anyway, know that you are not alone

blatantrereg

Why don't you look at why things haven't worked with people you've met before. It's not possible to tell from what you've written here... but if I were to hazard a guess, I'd wonder if you might come on a little too strong a little too early with people.

Zombrex

As my mum likes to say a relationship should make you happier, not happy. In other words you should be happy in general and a relationship will add to that, not be unhappy generally and only happy in a relationship.

It sounds like you are unhappy for what ever reason and are looking for a relationship to solve that. This is not a good state to be in when trying to make relationships work as it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship, even if you are not aware you are doing this.

I would ignore the relationship at the moment and try and explore what is making you unhappy, perhaps with a trained councillor.

LegacyUser

Whatever you do never start thinking its because of the way you look or the way your personality is or what you've got going on in your life because true love doesn't care about any of that. How do you know there isn't somebody out there that's crazy about you but has a hard time showing it. I've fallen madly in love with someone who I think the world of but I realize the way I have acted sometimes tells this person a completely different story and that's because I get mixed messages from this girl. Don't get yourself down about it. Your 26 years old, your still a young woman who has her whole life ahead of her. You'll meet somebody eventually.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the replies.
I will admit that I might have come on too strong with guys when I was younger but I have put my guard up big time as it seems to always happen me. I've only ended things with one guy I was seeing. My two relationships were ended by the guy.
I often wonder is there something wrong with me why I've never had a relationship past 3 months. The last guy I was seeing was fairly local so he made the effort to text me and meet up all the time until the last time where I asked him as I felt when you're seeing someone nearly two months it shouldn't matter who asks who.

After being burned by this guy I am petrified of letting myself like a guy or give them my number. A guy came up chatting to me last night and I just had no interest. I think I've gone to the stage now where I'd really love to meet someone but I've just lost faith in it all and after being hurt a lot, I'm scared to even give anything a go.

I probably could do with counselling but is this issue even serious enough to go for help with? I just can't help feeling it will never happen for me.
I've an older brother who is 34 and single and I see him trying really hard to be happy single but I know he's not. He's told me sometimes an I really feel for him and I'm worried ill be the same.
I guess I'm just someone who likes the simple things.. Sharing things with someone you love, having kids etc. Material things don't matter to me.
I probably sound like such a moan but I didn't know where else to turn and I'm mad at myself for not being able to flick a switch and be ok with things.

stop animal cruelty

Of course you can go to counselling over this, you don't have to go through a tramatic event or be depressed to go to counselling. Ya l hold a guard up too around guys, like you lm scared l'll really like them & then its like they don't want nothing to do with you anymore, its happened to me before, makes you feel like s*it.

I think you should go ahead with the counselling.

Richy06

I think, in love, a lot of it is about your mindset, certainly in the 'search' stage. There will be knock backs, failed relationships, missed opportunities...but you can't make ANY of these instances colour your view on things so badly that you just pull back and never, or increasingly rarely, put yourself out there again. That would the worst outcome!

I know it sounds cliché, but there truly is someone out there for everyone, some just take longer finding them than others. You kind of just have to use every knock back as a learning experience, otherwise, it's a true failure. Same as any other setback in life. If you learn from each breakup or encounter, you're becoming a better you and better able to deal in future. If you over internalise and over analyse each minute detail, you'll start finding faults in yourself and the voice in the back of your head will hold you back and be even more detrimental in the long run. But just because a relationship doesn't end in wedding bells, doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with YOU or that you need a whole personality overhaul. Sure, a bit of self reflection and self awareness keep a person in check and can be wonderful for self development, but you must keep the reflection in check too, so that you don't start seeing problems where there aren't any in particular.

You need to take time between relationships to let the wounds heal a bit before diving back in, that's normal. But please, OP, PLEASE don't pull back totally.

Keep looking, keep getting to know people, keep putting yourself out there, because the moment you stop, then and only then can you be sure that you definitely won't find anyone.

Goldenlady

Hi, OP. I think all you can do is take heed of the advice given here, and maybe counselling is a good option. I am recently single, early 30's and I can see how hard it is to meet someone. I am not looking at the moment as its too soon (With ex for 8 years) but I can feel your pain. You must just remember you dont need a relationship you want one - and there is a big difference between both. I have always been in relationships, most people I met through work or friends. Im just not the type to meet people on nights out, I like to know about people almost have references before I go out with them! BUT remember its about being happy in yourself and I honestly believe its so true. I have always been very independent and thankfully that has helped me for the last few months, yes, at times its lonly and I am a lot older that you so my clock is ticking faster, but I just think what will be will be. I think we all have enough worries in our lives, without worrying about stuff we have no control over. You will meet someone some day and they will have been worth the wait xx

LegacyUser

Your only 26 and I just want to tell you that not everyone of your age is in a long term relationship or married. Not everyone meets the person they will marry in there mid 20's.
I know one girl who met a man in her mid 20's and got married before she was 30 within 4 years her marriage was over.
I know girls who think that there life is over if they are not part of a couple or married.
At this stage I would go for some counselling as I feel it may help you.
You need to work on your own self confidence and how to find happiness within yourself.
If you meet some one then you will come across as a person who is happy with there own life and not as someone who is overly needy.
Most people don't want to get involved with a person who is to needy.

You can't be putting your life on hold waiting to meet someone. I have a friend who has done this. She has not traveled much, left home or brought a house because she was waiting for a man to come along and make her life better. She is now in her late 30's and is very unhappy because she has not meet someone yet.
Meanwhile she has a friend in the same situation. Her friend said to me yes I would like to meet someone but she has her own house, has traveled and is working on a few different things to improve her own life at the moment.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies. I think I'm going to look into the counselling. I've noticed over the past couple of years that I have this feeling of boredom a lot but yet I don't seem to have interest in much. Like I like watching sport on tv but that's it really and visiting my friends but other than that I've never been able to find a hobby.
This probably comes back to self esteem issues and why I want to meet the perfect guy but I have to focus on other things first.
Does anyone have an idea of what happens when you go to counselling? Do you tell them everything in the first session? It's something I'd be nervous about as I've never gone before so have no idea how it works.

Asbury Park

Unreg130 wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies. I think I'm going to look into the counselling. I've noticed over the past couple of years that I have this feeling of boredom a lot but yet I don't seem to have interest in much. Like I like watching sport on tv but that's it really and visiting my friends but other than that I've never been able to find a hobby.
This probably comes back to self esteem issues and why I want to meet the perfect guy but I have to focus on other things first.
Does anyone have an idea of what happens when you go to counselling? Do you tell them everything in the first session? It's something I'd be nervous about as I've never gone before so have no idea how it works.

Hi OP, I started counselling last year for a number of reasons, but primarily self-esteem, and I've found that it has helped enormously. Like you, I spent time putting huge effort into finding a relationship because I thought it was what I needed but I'm at the stage now where I'm happy to just let it happen, and it will. The first session with a counsellor is typically a getting to know you thing, you do it at your own pace. If you don't think a particular counsellor suits you, don't hesitate to try someone else - it's about your needs. For instance, my counsellor knows that I'm a natural story teller so that's how he structures our sessions - he just lets me talk basically, building a structure around a theme and every so often he'll drop in a suggestion or a pointer. In terms of relationships, it has been enormously helpful. Recently, I thought I'd met someone but it was too much too soon and didn't work out. With one word, my counsellor summed up the whole thing and I was able to say to myself - that's it, I can move on now. And I can entirely relate to what you say about being bored but being motivated to do nothing. Best of luck.