Younger Sister Woes

LegacyUser

My 15 yr old sis is seeing an older boy (19). I just found out that on at least one occasion she said she is visiting a friend then went out with him instead. Just during the day, nothing overnight. They are members of a website, similar to boards, with a younger demographic. He writes her letters on it, they tell each other they love each other, would die to be together, he can't wait to sleep with her etc. She is not aware I know of this site or the letters. My parents are very strict, so I'm sure she only manages to get to see him very occasionally, but each time would be without them knowing. My sister has a history of self harming, so does this boy.

I'm planning to suggest that they drop her off and collect her from friends houses so they know where she is all the time, but to allow her to meet up with him too. Hopefully if they don't need to sneak around, she will be safer. I am not sure what to do about those letters, part of me thinks it is totally normal, a teenager madly in love. I remember feeling like that myself. The other, older sister part, wants to kill the creepy 19 year old sniffing around her. I would like any advice on how you think I should handle the situation.

blatantrereg

Tell your parents, and if possible tell his parents too.

LegacyUser

I should point out that I'm in my late 20's not living at home. If I tell my parents, they will lock her up and become the worst in the world, she will close herself off and we can't have that happen with her history. There is no way they can be sure she's totally away from him with texts internet "visiting friends". I can't help but think it would be better to work with her than against her.

blatantrereg

Ok telling your parents might be a bad move then, unfortunately!
Would you be able to talk to the guy involved? His behaviour is unsettling to say the least.

username123

blatantrereg wrote: »

His behaviour is unsettling to say the least.

I think that this is a bit unfair. Commonly teenage girls are more mature than the same age teenage boys. If this girl is a bit mature and this guy is not that mature then they could be very similar in terms of maturity. Plus the girl could be close to 16 and the guy could be just gone 19, shortening the age gap.

He is certainly very foolish to be seeing a 15 year old girl but for all we know she has told him she is older? It is very dangerous for him to put on a public website that he is dying to sleep with her, so I would wonder if he knows she is only 15. Then again, he isnt breaking the law - yet.

I would be inclined to speak directly to your sister. She is engaging with another adult on an emotional level so give it to her straight.

Let her know the law, the unwise nature of these public love letters and the risk to the guy of finding himself on the sex offenders register if they take things further. Be clear with her that you will not hide secrets from your parents for her and that if you discover she is saying she is doing one thing and then doing another then you will have no compunction about letting your parents know this. And then leave her to live her own life. You cannot control another persons life, nor is it healthy for you to be trying to do so. It cant be nice for your sister to be getting policed by you as well as your parents either.

I would be more concerned that you think that your sister doing an ordinary enough teenage thing (albeit with an older guy) would be reason to think that your parents would "lock her up". Thats a very harsh reaction to take to something that is probably innocent enough - hence I think you should talk to her, and not to them - it doesnt sound healthy that they would risk her mental health over something so silly tbh.

Honey-ec

I'm with Username123 on this one. Four yeras isn't a particularly big gap and as long as they're not sleeping together, they're not doing anything wrong.

OP, I get the feeling that you're more worried about the effect they might have on eachother regarding the self-harm, etc. rather than the fact that that he's a bit older than her. That would certainly be my concern, anyway. Sometimes when two very intense people get together (and at a traditionally "difficult" age) they end up getting into an unhealthily co-dependent and "us versus the rest of the world" mindframe, thinking no-one else understands them the way they understand eachother, etc. etc. In which case, telling your parents is only going to make matters far worse, as you correctly identified.

I think the best thing you can do in this instance is just have a chat with your sister - in as non-judgemental a way as possible - and just let her know that you're there for her should she ever need to talk about *anything* to do with the relationship at all.

And maybe no harm to scaremonger her a bit with the fact that he's the one looking at a world of legal trouble if they do start a sexual relationship.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

I think that this is a bit unfair. Commonly teenage girls are more mature than the same age teenage boys. If this girl is a bit mature and this guy is not that mature then they could be very similar in terms of maturity. Plus the girl could be close to 16 and the guy could be just gone 19, shortening the age gap.

He is certainly very foolish to be seeing a 15 year old girl but for all we know she has told him she is older? It is very dangerous for him to put on a public website that he is dying to sleep with her, so I would wonder if he knows she is only 15. Then again, he isnt breaking the law - yet.

He knows how old she is, she has just turned 15, and he has just turned 19. Nearly exactly 4 years, not a big age gap once you're a bit older, not ideal at their age.

username123 wrote: »

I would be inclined to speak directly to your sister. She is engaging with another adult on an emotional level so give it to her straight.

Let her know the law, the unwise nature of these public love letters and the risk to the guy of finding himself on the sex offenders register if they take things further. Be clear with her that you will not hide secrets from your parents for her and that if you discover she is saying she is doing one thing and then doing another then you will have no compunction about letting your parents know this. And then leave her to live her own life. You cannot control another persons life, nor is it healthy for you to be trying to do so. It cant be nice for your sister to be getting policed by you as well as your parents either.

I've spoken to her about sex and how badly it could ruin his life. She just recently told me she was seeing him, I had suspected but wasn't sure

I don't see how me wondering how to deal with this situation is me trying to control her life? She's just turned 15, and has had 2 very self destructive years. I don't want to say anything to my parents because they barely coped with that. They're both seeing doctors at the moment over stress related illnesses.

I don't know if "leaving her to live her own life" is a good idea, she is just gone 15 and I'm the only family member who knows what is happening, I'd like to try keep it that way. For her sake and my parents. I think most people would be worried about a very emotional and if the past few months are anything to go by, very irrational, younger teenager being with a 19 year old who has told her he would kill himself if he couldn't be with her.

I understand all teens can be emotional and irrational, but she has landed herself in hospital, as has he. I can't help but feel his influence won't do her any good. Although I do think it's unfair you accuse me of trying to police her life. I suggested she be allowed to see him so long as she does so safely. I don't think that's unreasonable.

username123 wrote: »

I would be more concerned that you think that your sister doing an ordinary enough teenage thing (albeit with an older guy) would be reason to think that your parents would "lock her up". Thats a very harsh reaction to take to something that is probably innocent enough - hence I think you should talk to her, and not to them - it doesnt sound healthy that they would risk her mental health over something so silly tbh.

They are strict, they were when I was young and have been with all of their kids. They have been through every parents nightmare with her and did their best with it. Anyway, this thread wasn't intended to start a commentary on what people think of my parents ability. Thanks for taking the time to give advice.

LegacyUser

Honey-ec wrote: »

OP, I get the feeling that you're more worried about the effect they might have on eachother regarding the self-harm, etc. rather than the fact that that he's a bit older than her. That would certainly be my concern, anyway. Sometimes when two very intense people get together (and at a traditionally "difficult" age) they end up getting into an unhealthily co-dependent and "us versus the rest of the world" mindframe, thinking no-one else understands them the way they understand eachother, etc. etc. In which case, telling your parents is only going to make matters far worse, as you correctly identified.

Oh thank you! This is it exactly, you put it so much better than I did. I was in a "relationship" with an older guy at her age and I remember well the all consuming belief that we'd be together forever. That is normal as far as I'm concerned, although I do see now why my parents were so worried at the time . It's this mindframe that I'm worried about. I had hoped that an older boy/man would encourage her out of this self pity, self loathing way of thinking. We've worked so hard with her over the past 2 years to get her back to herself and she totally trusts me. It was very hard to cope with at the time. Now I'm worried that this relationship, with another self destructive person could drag her back down. I really don't know how my parents would cope again. I still have nightmares about her killing herself. She was so fragile for so long.

Honey-ec wrote: »

I think the best thing you can do in this instance is just have a chat with your sister - in as non-judgemental a way as possible - and just let her know that you're there for her should she ever need to talk about *anything* to do with the relationship at all.

And maybe no harm to scaremonger her a bit with the fact that he's the one looking at a world of legal trouble if they do start a sexual relationship.

Yes I think you're right. A part of me thinks the best way to deal with it might be to take it as seriously as they obviously do. I was thinking of asking her if she'd like for both of them to meet up with me and my boyfriend for lunch or something.

username123

LittlesisterBigsister wrote: »

Although I do think it's unfair you accuse me of trying to police her life. I suggested she be allowed to see him so long as she does so safely. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Sorry if I caused offence, Im in favour of letting people make their own mistakes. I have personal experience of being so worried about a family member that you are trying to keep tabs on what they are up to. The unfortunate truth is, it doesnt work and its not healthy for YOU. Thats all I meant. I can understand your worry and I hope it works out for you and for her.

blatantrereg

A 19 year old telling a girl just gone 15 that he would die for her and can't wait to have sex with her is unsettling. It's not ok behaviour. I agree that four years is nothing - between adults. However in this case it's the difference between a child and an adult.

I'm the first to object to trying to control other people, or trying to take responsibility for them. However when you are talking about a child, then you might be in a position where you need to take responsibility for them. You can pretty much define the difference between a child and an adult as the ability to take full responsibility for themselves in fact. Her parents should be the ones to handle it - they should be the ones responsible for her. However in this case it sounds like they would handle it very badly, so it is a good idea for an adult sibling to do so instead.

I wouldn't be so dismissive of your instinct to kill the creepy 19 year old sniffing around your child sister. Obviously don't literally kill him (or anything like it) but your protective instinct is completely appropriate in this instance. There's no way this is ok behaviour on his part.

I'd try to get it clear in both their minds that there's something very off about a guy showing this sort of interest in a girl just gone 15. Maybe invite her to stay with you for a weekend, or go away somewhere with her, to be able to have a proper chat with her in a non-confrontational manner. Indicate that you are there for her if she wants to talk about stuff - not just stuff about this guy. Basically offer her emotional support and guidance.