Girlfriend Doesn't Pay Her Own Way

LegacyUser

I've been with my girlfriend for 7 years, we moved in together after 6 months, no kids, we're both 34.

When I met her, she was a university student, but 6 months after moving in together, she dropped out of her course because she felt it wasn't the right one for her, and I supported her in this. After a year or so, she managed to find a part-time job as a receptionist, so she works 2.5 days a week. I work full time and I'm well paid, so money is not an issue, and I don't ask her for any contributions to the mortgage, bills, etc.. In fact, we have a joint bank account and she can take money out of this and so usually I end up subbing her quite a bit, although shes not a big spender.

I didn't used to mind any of this, as we get on great, but talking to a couple of women friends recently, they were asking me what she does all day. And to be truthful, its not an awful lot. The house needed decorating, and I did it all when I got back in the evenings, she didn't help out. I don't think she feels able to. I do most of the cooking, but then I enjoy that. I'm very keen on my sport, but she doesn't like coming along to competitions with me even to spectate, as she says she feels out of place. I've had to stop socialising with some of my sports friends, as she says their girlfriends make her feel inadequate and they look down on her - as they're all sporty themselves and have careers and stuff. To be honest, I don't think they do, they're always friendly to her. She'd put on quite a bit of weight, so I encouraged her to take up running, but to be honest, I'm wondering whether she does it for the enjoyment of being active, or because its to keep me interested. She also started volunteering for a local charity, but gave it up after a few weeks, I'm not sure why.

Anyway, last year I put some of these points to her and said I felt she could be making more of her life. So shes gone back to university, but this means she now has no income and shes also incurring quite a lot of debt, and I am having to fully financially support her down to the last penny.

Am I being a mug here?

tinkerbell

So your gf works 2.5 days a week and on the days off she sits on her backside and does nothing around the house? She also doesn't contribute to mortgage / bills? Yes you are being taken for a ride here. I would think that she should be doing more than 50% of cleaning, cooking, etc if she's not contributing financially towards the house and she works part-time. You don't have kids so it's not like she's at home minding them all the time. So yes, I think you are totally being taken advantage of.

Toast4532

Engengeng wrote: »

Am I being a mug here?

Yes, to be brutally honest.

your girlfriend was working two and a half days per week, did nothing around the house when she wasn't working, didn't contribute financially towards any household costs, quits her job, goes back to uni, you are still funding her, she has no income and you are asking if you are a mug? Is it not blatantly obvious to you?

I am a student, getting €208 a week in social welfare, I live at home, do a lot of cooking, buy my own food, contribute towards house work, communal items (washing powder, vegetables, etc.) and I am 22, yet your girlfriend is 34 and does none of those things? I assume she was earning more than €208 a week?

If I was to treat my bf the way your girlfriend has treated you, he would dump me without a second thought, your girlfriend is being incredibly selfish expecting you to do everything and fund everything.

Does she buy clothes/shoes/make-up/bags/magazines etc? Does she go out with the girls/her friends? Who pays for this? I'm assuming you do as she's in uni without any income.

My god op, will you wake up and see the light. Your girlfriend has had a very comfortable few years without any of the worries that most people renting (bills etc) have and its time for her to face up to reality and realise that life is a little more difficult than having your boyfriend bankroll you while you do nothing and give nothing in return. She should be ashamed of herself.

You are also to blame for allowing this to go on as it has.

LegacyUser

Hi, its only in the last 6 months that shes stopped working and given up her job to be a full time student. And she does do about 75% of the housework. But no, she has never financially contributed as she doesn't earn enough, I pay for her to buy stuff when we're out at the shops, otherwise she withdraws money from our joint account, although as I say shes not a big spender.

The other thing that's beginning to get to me is holidays - its expensive having to pay for two people all the time, and I see friends going off to exotic locations with their girlfriends, and all we ever do is holiday at home or we've had one weekend in Paris and one in Berlin. Yet I earn a good salary, but I have to budget for two out of it, so I have to make sure I don't go overboard.

And yes, I guess its my fault partly, as I've indulged her, and I guess to I kind of feel safe with her and I know theres no risk of her ever leaving me, which a woman with her own career and income might do :-(

username123

Engengeng wrote: »

Am I being a mug here?

Yes.You have financially supported her to sit around doing nothing and now you continue to fund her education. I mean seriously, what do you think?

What does she contribute to the relationship? You are the one working, you are the one financially holding it together, then you come home and you are the one who has to cook and decorate? And then you had to give up friends because of her perceived inadequacies?

I think you know you are being taken for a ride.

Oryx

theres no risk of her ever leaving me

I've had to stop socialising with some of my sports friends,

These two comments stand out. Whatever about the financial status of your relationship, the emotional balance between the two of you seems a bit off, too. Both of you sound too insecure to be together tbh. She feels inadequate, youre afraid of being left by her. Thats not healthy,you know? You should be with her because you want to be, not because youre afraid to be alone. And giving up friends for a partner is a huge big neon warning sign that things are out of whack.

I see the money aspect of all this as a symptom of everything else thats going on, something you can latch on to, rather than the more elusive emotional issues you maybe cant put your finger on. Just food for thought.

blatantrereg

I work full time and I'm well paid, so money is not an issue

Isn't it an issue though? It's why you started this thread.

She took up running because you wanted her to. She went to university because you wanted her to. She's reasonably frugal. Doesn't sound to me like she's taking you for a mug. Sounds to me that she listens and responds to what you say to her.

I reckon if you had said she should get a full time job, she would have looked for a full time job. She sounds like a fairly passive lady who is happy for you to take the lead with things.

Perhaps you should be wondering -was it a bad idea to get my partner to go back to college at this stage, knowing I'd be paying her way?

Things sound fairly stable in your relationship to me. I think the issue you might have is that you simultaneously want your gf to be able to contribute more financially, while fearing she might leave if she is not dependent on you. This is cognitive dissonance which is causing you distress.

sffc

Erm...not really going to get into the are you a mug stuff just give you food for thought . You have now been cohabiting for more than five years and therefore your gf has rights and more than you think

http://www.rollercoaster.ie/Article/tabid/156/ArticleName/New_rights_and_obligations_for_couples_living_together/Default.aspx

username123

Engengeng wrote: »

And yes, I guess its my fault partly, as I've indulged her, and I guess to I kind of feel safe with her and I know theres no risk of her ever leaving me, which a woman with her own career and income might do :-(

A relationship based on this kind of inequality isnt healthy for either of you. You sound, and I dont want to be offensive here at all, as though you prefer to have a measure of control over her so that she stays with you, while she is the lower earner you are safe. You are insecure basically. The way she does the things you say, like running or going to university almost sounds like she is just a puppet who does as you say for food and shelter - I know that sounds harsh but her self esteem must be on the floor from being so dependent and just doing what she is told. Yet you also do what you are told, such as dropping friends because she feels insecure!

I dont think any of it sounds very healthy. I started out feeling bad for you that she was taking you for a ride but now I wonder if you are imposing the ride to stay safe through your own insecurity.

newuser30

Being taken for a mug is not the vibe at all I'm getting from this. It looks like your gf loves you and will do whatever she thinks will make you happy. While you talk like you want someone to control, turn them into what you wanted, someone who wont leave you. And when you realise they are doing what you wanted you are losing interest, because you dont want to be with a puppet, you dont like the dynamic it has created. You tried to change her and now that she is doing it, you dont want it.
Surely you knew you would be paying for the course? You wanted her to do more with her life, and you both discussed it, knowing this would involve you financing it, and now you are changing your mind?

Dark Phoenix

So she has previously worked 2.5 days a week and did not contribute financially and now she is a full time student and not working at all and still not contributing financially and yet happily dips into a 'joint' i.e. your account. I will be honest OP, that would totally wreck my head.
Does she have any plan of what she actually ants to do? Is this latest stint at university part of a bigger plan which will lead to a paid job or is it just something to do? Is there any reason that she cannot find work part time while a student?

How many days a week is she at college?