fear of partner leaving/cheating

starrynightsky

This will probably sound mad. My fiance and I are both 33/34 and planning on starting a family soon, well...very soon. We won't be able to get married until afterwards due to money reasons. The way its worked out, I'll be giving up work to stay at home because (due to the economic downturn, not because I lack qualifications) I only work temp contracts on low pay anyway. We also moved to a country area a year ago so its costing me quite a bit to drive to work and back every day. My fiance is the best man ever, but I have fears of being a stay-at-home mum and I'm going crazy!! Basically my dad left my mum when I was 10...my mum was at home and he was out working and eventually he met another woman (actually I think there was a few women). Before she met my dad my mum had a good life and a good job, then she gave it up and became a housewife and he left. I always thought it was because mum had no life of her own by that stage, she was at home with 4 kids and couldn't get out and socialise or even have any real friends. When he left she had nothing, and she's never recovered. So even though I never think my partner would cheat on me, I feel scared. I've explained it to my partner but he just says this is different and he's not like my dad, he'd never leave me etc. But that's all well and good now, I'm quite good looking and up until now I've had interesting jobs/social life etc (now I don't because we moved to another area to be near his work) and next year I could be a tired, lonely stressed out mum. He could just as easily meet someone else when he's at a work event, these things happen. He works long hours. He's never given me any indication that he would cheat on me and treats me very well, he's romantic and kind and he never even looks at other girls, but I feel this will all change. I'm not a jealous person, I'm just realistic and I think men (or even people) can sometimes stray if its made available to them. How can I get over this? It's not getting better as the time comes to start trying for our first, in fact its getting worse to the point that I thought about running away and moving back to the city where I came from, where I felt independent and strong. I love him though so I know in my heart I can't do that.

sffc

A good start would be write down what your husband would say about this situation - especially if he had read what you have just written above . He sounds a good man and would be concerned by your worries . He might also be hurt and a little angry and I really wouldn't blame him would you ? He's been pigeon-holed by you with no foundation whatsoever . I'm sure he'd write that he feels he has to prove himself again and again though he has done NOTHING wrong . He would probably also write about HIS fears - that you will be checking his phone/pockets when he comes back from work and "checking" his feelings about you and your appearance constantly .
I'm asking you to to do this to let you see how YOUR fears are affecting him - and possibly your future children . Don't forget to consider if this all makes you more attractive or less attractive . you know the answer there ! We all want to be loved but to be "loved" without being trusted is not attractive .
There's no getting away from the fact that all this is very deep rooted and a piece of paper won't solve everything . Proffessional help should be sought . Please please don't muddle on and lie to your fiance saying everything is fine . He deserves better and so do you .

carlows

Hi OP,

It sounds like you have a great man there and your thinking into things too much! Planning for a baby is such an exciting time but can also be stressful. So much thinking goes on, when is a good time to have a baby? What about work, finances? What if it takes a while to conceive? Will my partner still find me attractive? What if he meets someone else? etc etc. It's natural to think lots when planning for the future but we'll never know the answers to all the 'what if's'.

It seems to me you need to enjoy what you have and stop thinking too much into things
You said yourself, you have a partner who has never given any indication that he would cheat on you, treats you very well, is romantic and kind and has never even looks at other girls. The issue seems to be your own insecurity-be careful of this as it can cause problems in any relationship. You will need to address these before having a baby.

When you become a mum you will be busy but there is no need for you to be 'stuck' in the house a tired, lonely mum. There are parent and toddler groups you can attend, baby massage classes etc where you will get out and about and meet knew mums.

There are big changes ahead, embrace these changes. As long as you and your partner remember to have time for yourselves, communicate and keep the spark in your relationship there should be no need for you to fear him leaving you.

Good luck with it all

Nymeria

Hi OP, I wrote a long reply and then lost it (grrr). Anyway...I dont think you sound mad. I would also be very wary of being completely dependent on another person, no matter how much I loved them.

I think that your fear is really that you will lose your independence/ identity and end up like your mother. You cannot control whether your partner leaves/ cheat, but I think really you are afraid that if something like that does happen you will be left with nothing.

So you need to take steps to make sure that you still retain your independence; having access to joint accounts/money, having time for yourself, maintaining hobbies and friendships will all help. HAve you sat down with your partner and figured out how money will be allocated when you become a SAHM?

Maybe you could think of upskilling/ doing an online course/ working from home in the first few years, or getting part time work when your child/children go to school.

You also said: I'm quite good looking and up until now I've had interesting jobs/social life etc.
I think you are worried that you will lose your sense of self, which can happen when a new baby takes up all your time/ energy. Your partner needs to understand how much change will be taking place in your life, and be there to support you.

You also say that your partner works long hours, maybe the idea of being stuck at home with a small baby worries you. You should talk to your partner about your fears and make sure that he listens and doesn't brush them aside.

starrynightsky

thanks for the replies. Of course I understand that I shouldn't put something onto his shoulders that he doesn't deserve, or be a crazy jealous text-message-checking woman...In fact I've always been very confident, laid back and never jealous. My fears are grounded in what Nymeria said, that I will lose my sense of self. Some of this has already been lost, because logistics, money etc meant I moved with my partner to a place where I don't know many people and my career opportunities (if any exist at the moment with the country how it is) are even more limited. I'm used to being very active. My partner says he will do what he can to make me happy, but the reality is I will not earn enough to even nearly cover childcare in the foreseeable future and this is - after much deliberation and discussion - just how things have to be. I NEVER thought I'd end up dependent on a man: I had qualifications, traveled all over the world, had tonnes of friends and was very sure of myself and this is I'm sure part of the reason he fell in love with me. I am exited about the future, but I feel that the stay-at-home role for women is a very difficult one, particularly having witnessed what my mum went through. I'm sure with time I'll just adapt to a new life and make the best of it, but there's so much change at the moment its absolutely terrifying!

ManOfMystery

I think everyone's already covered it and you've said it yourself, but I'll reiterate again as this could be something which potentially could ruin your relationship : don't make your partner pay for the mistakes your father made.

'Losing' your independence is often seen as a bad thing, but it depends on your perception. In one way you're losing some independence here, but from another angle you're building a stronger partnership, a stronger relationship and becoming more reliant on each other - which is what being in a relationship is all about.

The problem is you're basing a lot of your assumptions on what you saw growing up; being a stay at home mother doesn't have to be like that. It will be whatever YOU want it to be. How you manage your day and what you do to enjoy and stay sane is entirely up to yourself.

As regards your partner, I'll be as blunt as I can : if he is someone who's likely to cheat, then that could happen regardless of how amazing you are. However he doesn't sound like that at all. There is less potential for him to even consider looking at other women if he has a happy home life, so focus on working on that and not on worrying about things which may never happen.

Nymeria

I think you are struggling a bit to adapt to your new situation, and perhaps worrying that having children will only make you more isolated or dependent.
You say that you moved to a new area for your partners work. So maybe it's that you don't feel entirely settled in where you are, haven't made friends yet, that kind of stuff.

You could try getting involved in something local, some community stuff, or like I said before take up a hobby or something that will allow you to meet new people.

I think at the core of this is you feeling that you will have sacrificed so much, and that's always risky. Maybe it won't be so scary if you maintain your own interests, make new friends etc. outside of your relationship - something just for you. Regain some of your old spark .

Good luck, I'm sure everything will work out.

LegacyUser

I would chat to your oh about putting off trying for a baby for a few months. I would explain to him that you miss your friends and that you want time to settle into the area and make some new friends before having a baby.
In a few months time I think you will both be more settled in the new area and both have some friends here also.

From what you have told us you have enjoyed your life up to now but you are worried that if you become a stay at home mother you will end up like your own mother.
I would talk to your oh about how you will manage with him working long hours and how you will manage money once you stop working. You don't want to be asking him for money for every little thing or be accounting how you spent each cent he gives you.

Also I would advise you to have you to have a bank account and savings account just in your own name and start to put money into both from now on. This is will give you some money when you need it later and it will allow you to keep some of your own independance.
I would also find out if you are entitled to the state maternity benefit or when you have the baby would you be entitled to family income supplement. If your oh is earning under a certain amount you may be entitled to this after the baby is born.
Also you can have the children allowance paid into your own bank account.
When you have the baby make sure to get involved with the local mother and baby group as this will get you out of the house and let you meet other woman in the area.

You need to look on this as a positive change in your life and not some thing that will end the life you have had up to now.