Is it too late to fix things?

facemuch

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We broke up a year and a half ago but since we got back together 4 months later, we've been better than ever.

Recently my life has gotten really hard. There has been a lot of hardship in my life. Leaving my family, sick mothers, deaths and anything else you can imagine. All this pain and stress has made me feel crazy. I've been snappy an angry with everyone and took it all out on my boyfriend. During all this time he's been bending over backwards for me and I just threw it in his face.

I'm over in England for a funeral now and the perspective has made me realise how awful I've been to him. Before this I was intolerable. I brought it up to my boyfriend and he admitted he's not scared of our future. That he can't fully remember being happy with me over the last few weeks lately and is questioning our relationship.

He said to me he loves me, and wants to marry me. But that's the problem. He wants to marry me and the recent times had made him scared that it's gonna be like that in our future or worse.

He wasnt gonna being it up but now that i said It, he's having all these doubts. He said to me on one hand he wants to see the world alone, but on the other he wants to share all these memories with someone like me.

I completely understand where he's coming from. It's been hard. I gave him an out. But he wouldn't take it. He told me he wants to fix it and wants to be with me but he is uncertain if he's able to sort out his head about us.

Since then, the way he talks to me (mainly over iMessgae) he's become cold with me. showing no compassion or emotion. I bombarded him with messages saying things like "we'll fix it" and "we're perfect together" and that made him feel like I was forcing him to feel a certain way.

I realised how I was acting and cut it out immediately. I told him id give him his space and let him sort it out and that I love him, thinking we won't be talking for days after that. Within the hour, he was talking and joking to me about a tv show. Seem that bit more normal than he has in the last few days. So he won't break up with me, or take some space when offered, but can not give me any assurances that we'll stay together.

I just want to know, is it a "too little, too late" situation? Or do you think I'd have the chance to get back to treating him as the amazing person he is and get that amazing feeling back??

Catphish

facemuch wrote: »

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We broke up a year and a half ago but since we got back together 4 months later, we've been better than ever.

Recently my life has gotten really hard. There has been a lot of hardship in my life. Leaving my family, sick mothers, deaths and anything else you can imagine. All this pain and stress has made me feel crazy. I've been snappy an angry with everyone and took it all out on my boyfriend. During all this time he's been bending over backwards for me and I just threw it in his face.

I'm over in England for a funeral now and the perspective has made me realise how awful I've been to him. Before this I was intolerable. I brought it up to my boyfriend and he admitted he's not scared of our future. That he can't fully remember being happy with me over the last few weeks lately and is questioning our relationship.

He said to me he loves me, and wants to marry me. But that's the problem. He wants to marry me and the recent times had made him scared that it's gonna be like that in our future or worse.

He wasnt gonna being it up but now that i said It, he's having all these doubts. He said to me on one hand he wants to see the world alone, but on the other he wants to share all these memories with someone like me.

I completely understand where he's coming from. It's been hard. I gave him an out. But he wouldn't take it. He told me he wants to fix it and wants to be with me but he is uncertain if he's able to sort out his head about us.

Since then, the way he talks to me (mainly over iMessgae) he's become cold with me. showing no compassion or emotion. I bombarded him with messages saying things like "we'll fix it" and "we're perfect together" and that made him feel like I was forcing him to feel a certain way.

I realised how I was acting and cut it out immediately. I told him id give him his space and let him sort it out and that I love him, thinking we won't be talking for days after that. Within the hour, he was talking and joking to me about a tv show. Seem that bit more normal than he has in the last few days. So he won't break up with me, or take some space when offered, but can not give me any assurances that we'll stay together.

I just want to know, is it a "too little, too late" situation? Or do you think I'd have the chance to get back to treating him as the amazing person he is and get that amazing feeling back??

If he hasn't left yet, and is reluctant to end it, then it suggests to me that he doesn't want to end it and may only need to clear his mind. It sounds like you've had a lot of ups and downs personally, and when you treated him badly it may have soured things a bit for him. I don't think you should badger him for a decision, let him think, let the air clear. You need to make time for each other and go out on date nights etc., for not just him but you too. It's been an intense few months and you'd forgotten what he meant to you and how hard it was for him to deal with it all. He was there for you, so just give him a little thinking space.

Spending time together and having some fun is what you both need, to give the situation some clean air.

blatantrereg

Think of something nice to do for him/with him or a present to give him, to show appreciation for him having been there for you.
It doesn't sound too late to fix things at all. Focusing on positive things might be the best way. Bringing back the happiness you used to have, and bringing him out of himself again.
I was in a situation that sounds like yours and his before. My ex said and did some horrible things - but at the end of the day it was the failure to acknowledge or appreciate anything I did (and I did a lot) that really stuck in my craw. The fact that you do acknowledge his support suggests to me you can get past your current rough patch.

I realised how I was acting and cut it out immediately. I told him id give him his space and let him sort it out and that I love him, thinking we won't be talking for days after that. Within the hour, he was talking and joking to me about a tv show. Seem that bit more normal than he has in the last few days. So he won't break up with me, or take some space when offered, but can not give me any assurances that we'll stay together.

Well that's just talking about a TV show. He doesn't want to have a heavy conversation with you at the moment. Basically he does want space, but he doesn't want to ignore you or cut you out or something.
I would leave off talking about your future for a while, I'd leave off talking about your problems for a while too, and just try to enjoy time with him really.

facemuch

Hey just an update, since I said this, we've been really nice to each other. He does continue to text through all hours of the night and ring me. (Even told me he loves me on the phone when hanging up and such) He has been out with our friends and everything since. We are making plans for the near future and plans to motivate each other with exercise etc to get ready for out holidays. It just seems happy and normal us i suppose: I'm still in England, and won't be back 'till tomorrow night late.
Does it seem like this could be subsiding and possibly getting better. Or could this just be temporary thing. I have a lot of doubts because I'm just over here and can't talk properly properly to him. I don't want to bring this up again and confuse his mind again and again anymore.

My friend told me to give space. But I don't want to ignore him when he wants to talk to me (which is very often - it seems when he had and also when i have the time to also). She's saying to ignore him because if will "make him miss me" but I don't want to play childish games.

ABajaninCork

Then don't. When he calls - answer him.

P. Breathnach

facemuch wrote: »

...
My friend told me to give space. But I don't want to ignore him when he wants to talk to me (which is very often - it seems when he had and also when i have the time to also). She's saying to ignore him because if will "make him miss me" but I don't want to play childish games.

That's bad advice, and I am glad that you are not taking it.

It seems to me as if you both need a good sit-down-and-talk-things-through session. You have been through a bad patch and you let it impact on your relationship. It looks to me as if both of you want to get things back on the right track, but you are not communicating well with texting and phoning. Wait until you are together again before you try to do any more repair work, and ask him to help you get things right.