Missus wants a year off to travel etc al

rubber_johnny

OK. Summary. Been married 7 years. We got married young at 23 due to religious reasons. Due to the same religious reasons we both lead relatively safe and non adventurous teen/early adult years. Virgins to the point of marriage.

Roll forward 2 or 3 years into marriage and both of us wake up to the sh1t that this religion is and leave it.... Big change for both of us but we work through it....

My wife tells me the other day that she wants to go travelling a year. Experience life. She feels that she never got the opportunity when she was growing up. I love my wife and would do anything for her. This is a theme that has come up before but has always been pushed to the side, life continues etc. At this point I'm sick of the same cycle. So I've told her she has my support. Go travel for a year and I'll be here when you come back.

We haven't discussed details but I am guessing on her trip she will meet guys and probably want to mess around. I'm relatively liberal in my viewpoints now. Obviously if she's going to be out having a good time "hall pass" whatever I'm not going to sit at home and ****en feel sorry for myself...

Should I just go with it? The way I see it, if I play the hard "NO YOU CAN'T" it's not going to help the situation. I do love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I believe that she loves me and wants to do the same but has this burning feeling that "I never had a youth and missed out on all of that...". I can understand because I came from the same background as her. Should I just embrace this as a free pass to have fun like I should have when I was growing up?

Advice lads and ladies..

Cheers
RJ

Panthro

Better suited here I think,
Moved from TGC.

markesmith

Tough one this, friend. Maybe anonymous in PI would work better.

If you're married, then religion or not you'd accept fidelity to go with it.

If she's saying that she wants the free 'hall pass' while travelling, maybe that's another issue entirely.

rubber_johnny

markesmith wrote: »

Tough one this, friend. Maybe anonymous in PI would work better.

If you're married, then religion or not you'd accept fidelity to go with it.

If she's saying that she wants the free 'hall pass' while travelling, maybe that's another issue entirely.

I guess my understanding of marriage has changed somewhat in the last few years. Fidelity to me means a mutual trust that exists between two people that love each other, emotion is involved... I don't think that kissing or even sex when its out there in the open and not concealed is necessarily a contradiction of that.

Like I said, I'm in a situation where if I say "HELL NO YOU CAN'T DO THIS" what is that going to achieve. This will continue to eat her up inside until she resents me and I am the reason she can't do what she wants. I'm not saying the thought of her leaving for a year and getting up to stuff abroad fills me with warm and fuzzy feelings but I get the "wanting to live a little". I feel it too but with my personality it is easier to cope with.

Of course I know there is a chance she goes over to where ever, ****s a guy, falls in love and then that leaves me looking like a tool.

We love each other of that I am sure of but I don't want my wife to live with this lingering feeling. She may spend the rest of her life with this feeling. That's not good...

Stavro Mueller

The first thing you need to do is sit down with your wife and find out what she thinks and what she wants. Then you can deal with the facts.

rubber_johnny

cymbaline wrote: »

The first thing you need to do is sit down with your wife and find out what she thinks and what she wants. Then you can deal with the facts.

True. I am away on a business trip and she kinda hit me with this. Guess the extra time to think brought it to the surface again.

We have talked on phone/skype. It's amicable. In fact she thought I might be seeing someone else because I reacted in a rather "I Understand" type of way. I'm not seeing anyone else...

She did mention that she might want to kiss other guys. Sex was never mentioned but I'm not going to be naive. A guy doesn't kiss a girl and go "Ok that's it for the night. see you around".

I feel a bit like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. There is nothing I can do to make her feel that she hasn't missed out on something. I could be the best husband in the world but there would always be this lingering doubt that she never got to just have a bit of fun... I can't have that , I need her to be completely here with me... if that makes sense. So letting her "fly" and see if she returns to me seems the only way. If she does, then she does, if she doesn't well then it would have happened eventually anyway.

rubber_johnny

WittyKitty1 wrote: »

Why can't you go with her? Or has she said she strictly wants to go alone?

No she hasn't said I can't come but I have a job, mortgage and all the fun and games that go along with that.

I will visit her definitely but a whole year out is not something that I feel I need to do.

Really though I get the impression she wants a bit of the life before she got married. Just being carefree etc and doing what she wants. If I'm there what's the point she isn't going to be able to live that with me around. She didn't have a normal teenagers life, dating, messing around, experimenting, having fun etc.

From my perspective I just want this done. Over with. I'm prepared to give it 6 months - 1 year for her to get it out of her system. After that its either settle down, be happy blah blah blah or its over.

LegacyUser

OP has she actually said she wants an open relationship while travelling or are you just assuming that? A single person going travelling for a year does not automatically equal casual sex at every port. I've travelled a lot in the last 5 years and am going round Asia for 8 months this summer and I'm not planning to shag anyone. I'm going to expirence the culture and yes I'll go out and meet new people but my goal isn't random sexual encounters and I meet plenty of other single people and couples and even married people travelling without their other halves who are traveling for the cultural expirence not 24/7 parties and/or sex. Your wife is the same age as me and not some 18 year old looking to spend all their time drinking and partying. Why not talk to your wife and discus exactly what her motivation and desires are for this trip before stressing yourself out.

tinkerbell

OP, to me this sounds bonkers. I think your wife is using travel as an excuse to hook up with other guys. Once you get married, you become a unit. I would imagine that going away for a year to travel would be something that you'd wait til you can do it together, not separately. And who is gonna fund her travel lifestyle while she's away, you? If you can't leave due to job, mortgage, etc. then how can she leave? She has responsibilities too - you are married, she can't just feck off for a year, expecting you to pay the bills for the family one while she goes off to get with other men.

LittleBook

rubber_johnny wrote: »

I feel a bit like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. There is nothing I can do to make her feel that she hasn't missed out on something. I could be the best husband in the world but there would always be this lingering doubt that she never got to just have a bit of fun... I can't have that , I need her to be completely here with me... if that makes sense. So letting her "fly" and see if she returns to me seems the only way. If she does, then she does, if she doesn't well then it would have happened eventually anyway.

My heart goes out to you OP, you sound like an absolute dote.

People change over the life of a relationship ... few moreso than those who marry quite young and even fewer who have such a life-altering experience as a rejection of a religion which, up to that point, had been a hugely restricting influence on their lives and their development.

I can see your wife's perspective and it's clear you can too. Part of me would want to tell her to cop on but another part of me completely understands this craving she has to re-discover life. Like you say, rock and hard place.

The unfortunate part is that you are not in the same place, she and you are literally on different pages. Normally this is a disastrous sign for a relationship but I'm not so sure in this situation. It's impossible to say anyway.

When you get home, sit down and talk together properly. There's nothing that can be decided until you know better what's going on in both your heads.

I wish you all the best OP.

smash

rubber_johnny wrote: »

We haven't discussed details but I am guessing on her trip she will meet guys and probably want to mess around.

Why did you come to that conclusion?

danslevent

It doesn't seem very fair that she can go off and have a wild year while you're left beibg the adult and shouldering the mortgage by yourself

DeltaWhite

I have to agree with Tinkerbell here this all sounds bizarre to me!

When you're married - you're married end of!

Fair enough if you can come to some sort of agreement between yourselves as it is your own business but I have to say I would be crushed if my OH suggested this to me?
But different strokes!

If you are entirely happy with this situation and you can both come to a practical agreement then by all means do what makes you both happy - but I cannot really see this ending well in the long run? That's just a personal feeling as an outsider/stranger!

helimachoptor

smash wrote: »

Why did you come to that conclusion?

I would imagine if his wife is saying she feels like she missed out on stuff (travelling being one) then the fun/drama/adventure that goes with growing up sexually is probably a big gap in her life.

Having known people in the same situation who have settled down early in a lot of cases they re-awaken one day and find themselves wanting to go and experience the things the missed out on, yes it may be travel or what not but in a lot of these cases the hooking up with others is an aspect.

December2012

Has she actually said she wants to go and be with other men?

Would you be able to go travelling with her?

Save like mad and take four months unpaid leave.

I wouldn't be too keen sending a partner off like that if it wasn't necessary.

Hannibal Smith

OP you can apply for a moratorium on your mortgage and go travelling together. I know people who have done it. or you could rent your house out for a year. You can apply for a sabbatical from work, whether they will agree I don't know.

As I say I've known married couples with mortgages who have done the travelling thing so it is possible.

If she wants to go alone, that's another thing. I don't believe anyone has the right to tell another person what they can or can't do, but equally you don't have to accept her decision.

As some one else said why should she have all the fun and you stay at home with the stress of mortgages etc.

So if it is that she's going alone, the goes on the understanding that she finances it herself, doesn't look to you when the money runs out, and while you are apart you are both free agents. So while she's living it up and finding herself, so are you. and you come back together after a year.

Personally I don't know whether I could accept that. Either I'm enough for someone or I'm not. but perhaps you're more openminded than me

dannyc31

No she hasn't said I can't come but I have a job, mortgage and all the fun and games that go along with that.

I will visit her definitely but a whole year out is not something that I feel I need to do.

Really though I get the impression she wants a bit of the life before she got married. Just being carefree etc and doing what she wants. If I'm there what's the point she isn't going to be able to live that with me around. She didn't have a normal teenagers life, dating, messing around, experimenting, having fun etc.

From my perspective I just want this done. Over with. I'm prepared to give it 6 months - 1 year for her to get it out of her system. After that its either settle down, be happy blah blah blah or its over.

hi OP. you're kinda making alot of assumptions here. how do you know for sure the missing out on life means sleeping with other guys? i would say thats you thinking like a man as often this is the reason given by men who end up in affairs after ending up getting married too young. you need to clarify this with her, she may of just be looking for the adventures that life can offer outside of the daily grind. travelling is an amazing wonderful thing to do, a personal passion of mine and it doesnt have to mean jumping in and out of bed with every new stranger that you meet.

as others have said there are ways for you to put the mortgage thing on hold and perhaps you could talk to your place of work about taking a year out to travel. and even if they dont agree, if you have a good career with transferable skills, you could always get a different job when you got back in a year.

being honest from just the basics to your background, i think a year round the world trip like this would do you both the world of good, broaden your horizons and all that. the relationship should matter more to both of you than anything else like mortgages, jobs etc even thou i know they are obviously important practical things but arrangements can be made.

on the other hand if you do talk to her and she doesnt want you to come with her and is thinking about the idea of fooling around then i would have to say let her go. there are no rules to this and although some might see this as effectively ending the relationship, it actually doesnt have to be that way. often people see the grass is always greener in these situations and sometimes it takes a little experimentation for them to realise what they had all along was'nt all that bad after all
for example she might go to fool about with a new guy and feel sickened by it and actually could never cheat on you.

but you have a little talking with your wife to be done first i would say.

rubber_johnny

December2012 wrote: »

Has she actually said she wants to go and be with other men?

I asked her straight out today if she wanted an open marriage. She said no.

We talked a bit more and I get the impression she doesn't feel as attracted to me as she should. She says she wants us to date again and be romanced again. Fall in love again.

I suppose we had got into a kind of routine... So will need to break that.

She is still talking about going away for a few weeks here and there during the year by herself which I'm OK with.

ElleEm

rubber_johnny wrote: »

I asked her straight out today if she wanted an open marriage. She said no.

We talked a bit more and I get the impression she doesn't feel as attracted to me as she should. She says she wants us to date again and be romanced again. Fall in love again.

I suppose we had got into a kind of routine... So will need to break that.

She is still talking about going away for a few weeks here and there during the year by herself which I'm OK with.

It is great that you had a proper talk about it. She may just be having a "grass is greener" moment, so take this "year away" comment as a wake- up call to make your marriage include the experiences you both missed out on in your younger years. Talk about the things that you both feel you would have liked to experience as teens, and adapt them to fit your life now.

A year away seems totally excessive considering you are both married, and I would imagine BOTH have the commitment of a mortgage. She can't just run away on that. Travelling doesn't have to be an expensive, long thing. You could pick places in Ireland to go, and treat it as a "foreign" holiday, doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do- even making friends with strangers.

December2012

Date her so.

Date the hell out of her.

Romance her.

Spoil her and let her spoil you.

Reassure both of you that had you gone off and seen the world and not been influenced by religion you still would've ended up together and happily so.

If you want help a bit of relationship counselling might help.

rubber_johnny

December2012 wrote: »

Date her so.

Date the hell out of her.

Romance her.

Spoil her and let her spoil you.

Reassure both of you that had you gone off and seen the world and not been influenced by religion you still would've ended up together and happily so.

If you want help a bit of relationship counselling might help.

OK will go for it... Sent a bunch of flowers to arrive tomorrow. I didn't sign the card just to add a bit of intrigue :P as long as she thinks they are from me or we have a problem!!

Three Seasons

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, to me this sounds bonkers. I think your wife is using travel as an excuse to hook up with other guys. Once you get married, you become a unit. I would imagine that going away for a year to travel would be something that you'd wait til you can do it together, not separately. And who is gonna fund her travel lifestyle while she's away, you? If you can't leave due to job, mortgage, etc. then how can she leave? She has responsibilities too - you are married, she can't just feck off for a year, expecting you to pay the bills for the family one while she goes off to get with other men.

If she wants to have sex with other guys why not let her assuming he's emotionally developed enough to deal with it. If he wants his wife to be happy then surely he should let her have sex with other guys if that's what she wants.

rubber_johnny

rubber_johnny wrote: »

OK will go for it... Sent a bunch of flowers to arrive tomorrow. I didn't sign the card just to add a bit of intrigue :P as long as she thinks they are from me or we have a problem!!

Stupid flower company. Accepted my order give me a delivery date and then dont deliver because the flower shop is closed in that area for Good Friday.

Oh well they are on the way on Saturday instead. Lucky I don't believe in bad omens...

rubber_johnny

Three Seasons wrote: »

If she wants to have sex with other guys why not let her assuming he's emotionally developed enough to deal with it. If he wants his wife to be happy then surely he should let her have sex with other guys if that's what she wants.

From talking with her it seems she just wants to have a bit more excitement in our relationship. A bit more mystery. She wants to fall in love again.

blatantrereg

I agree it sounds absolutely bonkers. And it still sounds absolutely bonkers at this point in the thread.

My reading is she's trying to bring you around to accepting her being unfaithful. She denied the open marriage thing, but it's inconsistent with her saying she might want to kiss other guys isn't it. She just didn't think it was the right time to suggest it when you asked.

She wants to fall in love again, have more excitement etc. In the context I don't think she is talking about doing this with you.

Wants to have her cake and eat it too - whatever way you look at it: Do you mind hanging around to pay the bills and be an adult while I go off on holiday to screw around for a year?

There's being a nice guy and there's being ****ing stupid tbh. Divorce might be an option to consider imo.

rubber_johnny

blatantrereg wrote: »

I agree it sounds absolutely bonkers. And it still sounds absolutely bonkers at this point in the thread.

My reading is she's trying to bring you around to accepting her being unfaithful. She denied the open marriage thing, but it's inconsistent with her saying she might want to kiss other guys isn't it. She just didn't think it was the right time to suggest it when you asked.

She wants to fall in love again, have more excitement etc. In the context I don't think she is talking about doing this with you.

Wants to have her cake and eat it too - whatever way you look at it: Do you mind hanging around to pay the bills and be an adult while I go off on holiday to screw around for a year?

There's being a nice guy and there's being ****ing stupid tbh. Divorce might be an option to consider imo.

I think she is just confused at the moment. She doesn't know what she wants. Frustrating for me, frustrating for her.

I wish I knew exactly what was in her mind but I don't at this point. I can only work with what I know. If she wanted it over and done with I have no doubt at all she would have ended it. So I'll work on the fact she's here, I'm here, we are both willing to give it a try and find a way for us to end up together .

My wife has a career - a successful career. So any "escaping to another country etc etc" would be financed by herself. I would however not have an issue covering mortgage for a period of time if needed. Am I mug? Perhaps. But I'd rather give everything and a little bit more than feel I didn't give enough.

RJ

Corkgirl210

Isnt marriage meant to be based on communication, trust, support, togetherness, honesty, empathy, compassion etc...

The only person you need to speak to about this is.. your wife? Surely you are both openminded and mature to speak to other maturely about the whole situation and discuss both your concerns?