Need some advice badly...

Iano_128

Hi Guys,

1st time posting in here so I hope I'm in the right place for advice...


Here's my story, I've got a 15 year old brother who for some reason, I've always thought was gay (not sure why just thought it), I never mentioned it to him though. About 2 months ago I asked him for a go of his iPod so I could google something, so I go to Google, type in the letter "G" and results like "gay men" "gay naked men" etc start appearing.


I talked to him about it and explained that it's okay to be gay and if he is that I'm always here to talk about it etc; so his answer was something like, "if i was gay, you'd be the 1st person i'd tell but I was just curious". So I reluctantly said fair enough and left it there.

About a month later I decide to check what games he had on his iPod, totally forgetting about the whole gay thing, I see this app called KIK and go in to it. Turns out he's been texting some guy on it saying some weird stuff "I love you" I would like to touch you etc etc;"

Looking at this guys picture it's clear from a mile away that whoever the person is he found the image on google after a 10 second search, but of course little brother didn't see that.

So I talked to him again, and again he's "just curious".

So here's my problem... It's pretty obvious that he's gay, and that's fine, neither myself or my family will have the slightest problem with it in any way shape or form.

My worry is that I've asked him before to talk to me if he feels "curious" which I understand must be a very hard thing to do so I'm not surprised he went online, but now I'm worried he'll go online again (finding it hard to get near his iPod since that occasion) and he will be suckered in to meeting up with someone whose really a rapist, murderer and so on (he's only 15 and is naive as they come).

I tried to get him to talk to someone (a friend gave me a number of people that deal with these kind of "confusions" but when I said it to him he got very offended and aggresive and "only people that have something wrong with them need to talk to people, are you saying there is something wrong with me?"

I obviously couldn't say yes and couldn't think of a good answer, so here I am looking for help from people who I am sure have already been through this and can maybe tell me how their situation was handled or how it should be handled? or just any advice at all really.

Doop

Have a look at the resource thread at the start of this fourm, it might be worthwhile contacting one of them yourself, or alternatively suggesting that your brother does, there are groups there to help, and its not about talking to someone because there's something wrong with him. But he probably feels very alone and insecure, some of the groups are more of a social thing. (i've never attended any so cant really comment, but I wish when I was his age I had engaged some of these services)

Without freaking him out you should maybe mention the dangers of meeting up with someone online. You could also broach the idea that if hes going to meet someone that he tells you before hand...not so much so you can stop him but so someone knows where, who and when hes meeting someone. If he wants to meet a guy they should be going for a coffee or something and not going to a park or any of that carry on.

All that said, to be honest alot of people will talk and never meet, so i wouldn't assume that's where its going.
In reality your brother probably is gay, and its great he has you. I would think you've done everything right so far. Your best bet is try to be understanding and not fly off the handle if he says he wants to meet someone....as then the next time he probably wont confide in you.

Its a very difficult time in his life, and you sound like a great brother, I wish id been close enough with mine to be have had a similar relationship.

Do you mind me asking what age you are?

Iano_128

I think maybe ringing myself could be my best bet because no matter which way I spin it to him he gets offended and thinks that I think something is wrong with him. I feel really sorry for him because he's at that age where his friends in school are calling eachother gay and ******s and all this which puts it in peoples heads that there's something wrong with it! Major shame but that's the sh!t society we're living in I suppose .

I'd have no problem with him meeting someone his own age because maybe then he'd see that people that are gay are generally quite proud of the fact and have no problem with it and maybe it'd help him come to terms with it himself? I don't know I'm only guessing really.. It's just predators as they're called on the internet looking for vulnerable kids like him knowing it probably wouldn't be all that hard to make him meet up with them, that's my worry.

I have done all I can I think, and I don't mean that in the giving up sense, I just mean maybe if I was gay I'd know more how to handle it or know the right things to say, because at the moment I'm just guessing and I can tell he's really awkward talking about the subject and tries to avoid it as much as possible..

And no not at all Doop I'm 23 .

Daith

I guess he could be just seeing how it goes with the online stuff just to test. I'd just warn him. Or even ask him if the guy he's chatting to is on Facebook and stuff. Or even a skype video chat before hand?

Iano_128

He's not on Facebook & "doesn't have a webcam". If you saw the profile picture this guy had up you could tell he googled "emo kid" or something to that effect. No effort made to cover up fakeness, but I suppose my little brother is proof you don't need to try too hard to fool confused 15 year olds :P

Daith

Iano_128 wrote: »

He's not on Facebook & "doesn't have a webcam". If you saw the profile picture this guy had up you could tell he googled "emo kid" or something to that effect. No effort made to cover up fakeness, but I suppose my little brother is proof you don't need to try too hard to fool confused 15 year olds :P

It's not just fooling 15 year olds. There's a lot of fake profiles. Also I think with KIK you don't need a phone number so that's another giveaway.

Iano_128

I wrote to the guy on my brothers phone and told him not to contact him again, but like I said I'm finding it very hard to get near his iPod now and he's been deleting his history etc; so I don't know what he is up to.. Just don't want him feeling he needs to meet up with strangers to figure himself out and end up something bad happening, although I suppose with him not wanting to talk to anyone there's not alot else I can do other than leave him to work it out..

Awake&Unafraid

Iano_128 wrote: »

I wrote to the guy on my brothers phone and told him not to contact him again, but like I said I'm finding it very hard to get near his iPod now and he's been deleting his history etc; so I don't know what he is up to.. Just don't want him feeling he needs to meet up with strangers to figure himself out and end up something bad happening, although I suppose with him not wanting to talk to anyone there's not alot else I can do other than leave him to work it out..

I know you're only trying to be protective and keep your brother safe, but if I found out one of my siblings took my phone and sent a message to someone on it telling them to leave me alone, I'd go f***ing crazy!

I have gay apps on my phone, visit gay sites etc and if I found out my family were specifically looking through it to find out if I was talking to anyone or to find stuff to prove I'm gay, I'd be very upset and angry.

I think all you can do is sit him down, and explain how to be safe online and offline, with whoever he might decide to meet up with and stuff. Try not to make it specifically about being gay, or about talking to guys, but about anyone of any gender and sexuality.

jaffacakesyum

It's a tricky subject but as you said you're brother is only 15 and sounds like he has a lot to learn about meeting people online. We're in such a social media based world at the moment, I really think they need to start teaching this stuff in school. Would you be able to have a chat with him about safety online? Teach him how to spot fake profiles, use reverse google image searching or tineye.com, never to give out too many persona details online, and ask for phone number to chat on the phone before meeting up.

I think it's important to educate your brother about all this without coming across judgemental or insulting his intelligence and most importantly at the end of the day respecting his decisions. If he wants to meet someone from online, he's going to do it. So it's better that he does it after consideration of the above rather than walking in blindly to something that he will regret later.

Good luck. It sounds like you're a very supportive brother. I wish my brothers and I communicated as well as you two do.

Paramite Pie

Iano_128 wrote: »

I feel really sorry for him because he's at that age where his friends in school are calling eachother gay and ******s and all this which puts it in peoples heads that there's something wrong with it! Major shame but that's the sh!t society we're living in I suppose .

Yeah it's a really tough age when your gay but I assume it's a bit better now than it was 10 years ago (Christ I feel old!)

Iano_128 wrote: »

I don't know I'm only guessing really.. It's just predators as they're called on the internet looking for vulnerable kids like him knowing it probably wouldn't be all that hard to make him meet up with them, that's my worry.

To be honest I had never heard of this app called KIK but a quick google search led to this article... Apparently it's an easy path for predators to take..
http://www.theaustralian.com.au/australian-it/pedophiles-coerce-kids-using-kik-smartphone-app/story-e6frgakx-1226608130656

perhaps showing that article to your brother could help? It doesn't specifically mention anything about being gay but at a touchy age like 15 anything can seem like a personal attack. However it is important that he knows the risks...

Iano_128 wrote: »

I have done all I can I think, and I don't mean that in the giving up sense, I just mean maybe if I was gay I'd know more how to handle it or know the right things to say, because at the moment I'm just guessing and I can tell he's really awkward talking about the subject and tries to avoid it as much as possible..

He's really awkward about it because he's embarrassed (possibly ashamed) by it.

Try casually mentioning that they legalized gay marriage in whatever country next time it makes headlines (and that you support it) or if Will and Grace is still on TV watch it in the sitting room someday and make sure he sees ya watchin. Bringing the subject up without referencing him will put him at ease I'd imagine.

Your location says Dublin, so have you considered Belongto? It's a Youth group that creates a safe environment for young gay teens like himself to socialize in.

http://www.belongto.org/

If it's anything like the Galway one they have lots of fun events and stuff. They're also more than happy to advise family members of gay teens too so you could send them an email or pop into their office for a chat.:D

If you want him to know your cool with the whole 'gay thing' you could offer to take him to see the gay pride parade in Dublin too in June(?). He'll probably be hella embarrassed but at least he'll be safe with his big brother and hopefully gain your trust.;)

Peregrinus

The issue here is not gay or straight; it’s being 15 and sexually curious and not having a lot of experience, maturity or common sense and being vulnerable to exploitation in cyberspace.

The gay factor comes in here; your brother is either in denial about being gay, or (less likely) actually isn’t gay and is concerned about being perceived as gay. Either way, any attempt to frame this issue in terms of your brother’s gayness or not-gayness is threatening to him. It’s a barrier.

There's also the issue that, if you try to make him confront his probable gayness in the context that this need to be done so that issues of safety can be addressed, the (no doubt unintended) message is, basically, being gay is dangerous, more dangerous than being straight - or at least the message is that you think that. Which is a very negative message about homosexuality, and if anything a wounding thing to tell him and a barrier to his coming out.

When he's ready to come out to you as gay, that will be an occasion for celebration - both of his integration of his sexual self, and of his confidence and openness. Try to keep that for a time which it can be celebrated. In the meantime issues of cybersafety, etc, need to be addressed, but they don't need to be wrapped up with issues of sexual orientation or identity. Gay or straight, open or closeted, or just plain still working things out, everyone needs to be safe.

It’s easier said than done, but you need to make this not about whether your brother is or isn’t gay, but about issues like cybersafety, self-awareness and self-respect that all teenagers, gay, straight or anything else, have to work out at some point. I think organisations like belongto are great, but only he knows when he’s read to work out his sexual identity, and steering him towards specifically gay organisations when he is not ready to do that may not be much help to him with regard to the wider issues that he needs to work out now. Unfortunately I can’t offhand think of an agency which parallels belongto but is not focussed on gay teenagers, but I think that’s the kind of thing you need to be looking for.

Iano_128

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

It's a tricky subject but as you said you're brother is only 15 and sounds like he has a lot to learn about meeting people online. We're in such a social media based world at the moment, I really think they need to start teaching this stuff in school. Would you be able to have a chat with him about safety online? Teach him how to spot fake profiles, use reverse google image searching or tineye.com, never to give out too many persona details online, and ask for phone number to chat on the phone before meeting up.

I think it's important to educate your brother about all this without coming across judgemental or insulting his intelligence and most importantly at the end of the day respecting his decisions. If he wants to meet someone from online, he's going to do it. So it's better that he does it after consideration of the above rather than walking in blindly to something that he will regret later.

Good luck. It sounds like you're a very supportive brother. I wish my brothers and I communicated as well as you two do.

Cheers for this comment Yeah I think I need to re-think my approach and make it all about being careful online instead of trying to help him figure out if he is gay or curious or what's going on in his head, I know it's very hard for him and I just wanted to help but I suppose it could well push him away!

Iano_128

Paramite Pie wrote: »

Yeah it's a really tough age when your gay but I assume it's a bit better now than it was 10 years ago (Christ I feel old!)



To be honest I had never heard of this app called KIK but a quick google search led to this article... Apparently it's an easy path for predators to take..
http://www.theaustralian.com.au/australian-it/pedophiles-coerce-kids-using-kik-smartphone-app/story-e6frgakx-1226608130656

perhaps showing that article to your brother could help? It doesn't specifically mention anything about being gay but at a touchy age like 15 anything can seem like a personal attack. However it is important that he knows the risks...



He's really awkward about it because he's embarrassed (possibly ashamed) by it.

Try casually mentioning that they legalized gay marriage in whatever country next time it makes headlines (and that you support it) or if Will and Grace is still on TV watch it in the sitting room someday and make sure he sees ya watchin. Bringing the subject up without referencing him will put him at ease I'd imagine.

Your location says Dublin, so have you considered Belongto? It's a Youth group that creates a safe environment for young gay teens like himself to socialize in.

http://www.belongto.org/

If it's anything like the Galway one they have lots of fun events and stuff. They're also more than happy to advise family members of gay teens too so you could send them an email or pop into their office for a chat.:D

If you want him to know your cool with the whole 'gay thing' you could offer to take him to see the gay pride parade in Dublin too in June(?). He'll probably be hella embarrassed but at least he'll be safe with his big brother and hopefully gain your trust.;)

I think very slowly but surely the world is coming around to the idea that gay people live on it and it's starting to be widely accepted, it's just little kids throwing the word around so easily that I'm sure makes it difficult for him to want to admit it or realise it or whatever it may be..

The GoBeyond thing I tried, couldn't remember the name but that was the name of the people I wanted him to talk to and he got very offended. I think something like that would be great for him, but it's getting him to go that'll be near impossible. Might try contacting them myself though and seeing what they think, maybe backing off is the best thing to do and just make sure he knows the dangers of the big bad internet

The gay pride thing I'm not so sure about, wouldn't want him to think I'm taking him there to try force gayness upon him, if that makes sense? but yeah it is something to look in to. Cheers

oisindoyle

Didn't read all of the above comments are well at the minute I'm too lazy

Anyway ,here's my twopenceworth

It's commendable you are looking out for him.HOWEVER,I think you are being too hard on him .

First and foremost he's 15,it's a Shhity age.

Remember when you were 15 ???

You're full of homrones ,curiousity,acne,trying to fit it ,trying to get an identity,ect etc and all that .

Most guys in their mid teens go through a gay phase ,be that just being curious ,or coming to terms with themselves,or denying who they are.

You don't know for sure your brother is gay ,you are making an assumption on what your saw from his iPod.

If he is gay ,he will tell you in his OWN TIME.Don't put pressure on him to come out,it's his thing not anyone elses.

There is nothing worse than someone else telling you ,you are gay ,when you yourself are trying to come to terms with your sexuality or trying to deny it .

I would advise you to leave things as they are ,don't say any more to him about being gay /straight /bi whatever.
You seem like a great careing brother well done for that ,continue to keep an eye out for him,yes,but keep your distance.

cartell_best

Its brilliant to see he has a big brother like you, absolutely excellent! Keep it up, you're doing what any big brother would do. Just give him a little bit of time so as he can understand what's going on in his head. It'll fall in to place for him and he probably does know you're there for him, regardless. I have six older brothers and even though its good few years since I understood what was going on with me, my brothers (one especially), understood me before I truly realised what was going on. Nowadays, technology plays such a huge part of life for youngsters, all we can do is reassure them and do our best to guide them and hopefully keep them away from "certain" individuals, who, as we all know, may not turn out to be who they say they are. Just keep doing what you're doing, as it sound like you're doing a brilliant job!

Iano_128

Thanks very much for that cartell. Since posting this I've decided to back off and just give him time and space, as another poster says he may just be curious so I don't want to push him in to thinking he's something he's not etc. I think he knows that his whole family will support him if he is gay, just think it's the friends/outside factors that have him fighting it.

I've spoken to him and just put him wide to the dangers of online predators etc etc so he says he understands and will be careful talking to anyone online.

Thanks for all your helpful comments & suggestions

oisindoyle

Iano_128 wrote: »

Thanks very much for that cartell. Since posting this I've decided to back off and just give him time and space, as another poster says he may just be curious so I don't want to push him in to thinking he's something he's not etc. I think he knows that his whole family will support him if he is gay, just think it's the friends/outside factors that have him fighting it.

I've spoken to him and just put him wide to the dangers of online predators etc etc so he says he understands and will be careful talking to anyone online.

Thanks for all your helpful comments & suggestions

You're a great brother,best of luck