Devil with Mam and a Angel with Dad

campo

Hi all I suppose I better start with a little background I have been seperated for the past 8 years from my ex wife, we have 2 kids together and one if fast approaching the dreaded teen years.

I have kids every weekend and during school holidays while the kids are basically well behaved ( I say basically they have their moments but what kids don't right ) but it seems that while at their mam's the teen acts up something awful as an example won't go to bed when told, won't come off xbox , very forgetfull and has sibling rivilary.

When this happens I usually get a phone call from himself or his mother telling me about the argument with him trying to explain himself and her telling me that I have to back her up and tell him he was wrong.

She also used to use corporal punishment until I had a word with her and told her I would take legal action if it continues and now it has stopped but now she say's that he has no respect for her as he knows he won't be punished except for grounding etc which does not seem to work.

It has all come to a head now and she has dropped him off to me and told me to keep him as he only respects me. ( I don't mind having him but been honest I think he should be with his sister at home and in a stable enviorment and her giving him the door is sending the wrong message to him )

So my question is where am I going wrong he behaves well while with me and acts up at home , I have tried talking to him, giving out to him , supporting him basically I have tried it all.

Is their a trick I am missing here, has his mother got to cop on and handle the sitution or is there more I could be doing

sorry for long post and rant

Lola92

campo wrote: »

So my question is where am I going wrong he behaves well while with me and acts up at home , I have tried talking to him, giving out to him , supporting him basically I have tried it all.

Is their a trick I am missing here, has his mother got to cop on and handle the sitution or is there more I could be doing

The key to it really is consistency - you and your ex both need to use the same approach and have consistent boundaries and consequences in place for certain behaviours. Take the Xbox for example - it needs to be made clear that he will only be allowed to use it for X per day/week, and only when his homework is done, for example. Once this time is up, he needs to switch off the xbox, give him a chance and let him know what the consequence will be otherwise (for eg. you will take the power cable).

He is obviously a smart enough kid and has realised that he can push her buttons or act up and get further than he will with you, which is why he has continued to do it. It is also important to communicate with him about his emotions, he might not think it is fair but tell him why you are doing it, that his behaviour was not acceptable up to that point.

I have found David Coleman's book 'the thriving family' very good, I know he also has a book about parenting teens so that might be a good read for you and your ex.

campo

Lola92 wrote: »

The key to it really is consistency - you and your ex both need to use the same approach and have consistent boundaries and consequences in place for certain behaviours. Take the Xbox for example - it needs to be made clear that he will only be allowed to use it for X per day/week, and only when his homework is done, for example. Once this time is up, he needs to switch off the xbox, give him a chance and let him know what the consequence will be otherwise (for eg. you will take the power cable).

He is obviously a smart enough kid and has realised that he can push her buttons or act up and get further than he will with you, which is why he has continued to do it. It is also important to communicate with him about his emotions, he might not think it is fair but tell him why you are doing it, that his behaviour was not acceptable up to that point.

I have found David Coleman's book 'the thriving family' very good, I know he also has a book about parenting teens so that might be a good read for you and your ex.

Thank you for reply and I will defo look up the David Coleman book

And you are right about boundaries only last week we both had a chat with him together and told him during school week he has 1 hour of xbox after homework and 2 and a half hours of xbox on weekend and easter break, we also said he can build up his 2 and a half hours by doing studying eg study for a hour and he gets an extra hour on xbox )

Then yesterday after the 2 and a half hours his mam told him to turn off xbox ( usual 5 more mins etc etc ) she stood firm and he turned it off and went out playing when he returned he offered to study for some xbox time and she refused saying it was too late ( 8pm ) he then kicked off so she starting to take time off his xbox and then he refused to go to bed so she took xbox off him.

He continued to act up this morning ( at his sister ) at that is when she told him to pack bags that he is going to mine.

Maybe I am too easy on him but I think this was a awful approach as it makes him feel unwanted and dumped.....

Zil2011

I agree with Lola, consistency is the key.

Most of it seems fairly 'normal' stuff for kids, eg 5 more mins on the xbox, I can see how time can get away from your son when he is playing the xbox, even something as simple as saying, '30 mins left on that', then '15 mins left', etc to gently remind him that his time is near up.

You really have to pick your battles with kids and as you say they are basically good for you so I think he is clashing with his mam at the moment and maybe they are pushing each others buttons. For example when he came back in and negotiated with doing extra study for xbox time, she could have said 'Well thats great, however it is 8pm now so if you want to study now, then you can use the time you earned on the xbox tomorrow.' I guess he feels maybe a bit jealous of his sibling and can see how picking at her will upset his mam too.

Perhaps some family therapy/couselling might help? Or if you get on to his school they might get David Coleman to come to give a talk and maybe pick some advice up from that? I know a small town beside us and the schools in the local catchment got together and had David Coleman come - unfortunately I was working the night it was on but I believe it was very educational.

Best of luck

Justask

Maybe im getting this totally a*se wsys. What do u mean by corporal punishment? Are we talking beatings or are we talking a odd clout?

The right thing IMO to do is tell ur son that if he speaks/treats his mother like that again and causes anymore upset in the home u will come down hard and heavy on him.
By the sounds of it hes playing u off against his mum and hes winning. And playing u for a fool.
My guess is he's coming to u saying his mum is this his mum is that? ?

Lola92

campo wrote: »

Thank you for reply and I will defo look up the David Coleman book

And you are right about boundaries only last week we both had a chat with him together and told him during school week he has 1 hour of xbox after homework and 2 and a half hours of xbox on weekend and easter break, we also said he can build up his 2 and a half hours by doing studying eg study for a hour and he gets an extra hour on xbox )

I would agree with this to a point, you are letting him know that using the xbox for gaming is a privilege that he has to earn, just like he needs to earn your trust and respect back due to his recent misbehaviour.

Then yesterday after the 2 and a half hours his mam told him to turn off xbox ( usual 5 more mins etc etc ) she stood firm and he turned it off and went out playing when he returned he offered to study for some xbox time and she refused saying it was too late ( 8pm ) he then kicked off so she starting to take time off his xbox and then he refused to go to bed so she took xbox off him.

He continued to act up this morning ( at his sister ) at that is when she told him to pack bags that he is going to mine.

Maybe I am too easy on him but I think this was a awful approach as it makes him feel unwanted and dumped.....

It may be useful to bring in a 'ticket' system. This is an idea that I saw on pinterest and have been using with my stepson (6) and we're going to bring it in with the older girl too (14) after the way her behaviour is going lately.

Basically it involves giving the child 'technology tickets' which are each valid for 30mins of 'technology time' - xbox, phone, DS, PSP, tv, computer. They are allocated say 14 tickets per week, on the same day each week - so 7 hours overall. They come with conditions (which you choose, just for example) - cannot be used before school, cannot be used before homework is done, cannot be used at mealtimes, cannot be used after 8pm etc. It can help to make physical tickets, draw/print/whatever, so the kids can see the time they are using up.

The key to it is that the child chooses how to use them within these restrictions, but once the tickets are all used up, there are no more until the following week. They start to earn responsibility of self regulating their screen time and will eventually apportion it out reasonably. If you decide it is appropriate, they can earn extra tickets through studying, but it is important that these are not taken away. If they have earned them, then they deserve to use them.


I would agree with Zil, a count down time is very useful to begin with, especially if they are used to inconsistant restrictions to their screen time. He will be in bad humour once he is stopped from playing anymore but this is where the learning opportunity is. Empathy is KEY. 'I see that you are annoyed and upset with me because you can't play the xbox anymore. I can understand why you feel that way but it is important that you spend time on schoolwork and playing outdoors too. You can play some more another time.' He won't be any less pissed off but he will start to see that you recognise his emotions and that they are valid, but although he feels it is unfair you are acting in his best interests.

campo

Justask wrote: »

Maybe im getting this totally a*se wsys. What do u mean by corporal punishment? Are we talking beatings or are we talking a odd clout?

The right thing IMO to do is tell ur son that if he speaks/treats his mother like that again and causes anymore upset in the home u will come down hard and heavy on him.
By the sounds of it hes playing u off against his mum and hes winning. And playing u for a fool.
My guess is he's coming to u saying his mum is this his mum is that? ?

Yes by corporal punishment I meant a clout ( hit at back of the head etc ) I personally don't agree with this and made my feelings very clear and thankfully it has now stopped.

I agree also he is playing us against one another, and I have done him no favours as our parenting technique is totally different

She would go straight to grounding etc where I would give him a timeout and when that is over once he apologisies then all is forgiven and forgotton

Maybe might be worth me and his mam sitting down and discuss a structure of punishment that we both agree to and adhere to , so that he will see it does not matter what house he stays in the result will be the same

Justask

I think your ex's parenting is affective when there is support. Your son is clearly pushibg the boundaries and he's aware that you are the soft touch. Of course hes going to go up agsinst his mum if she is taking his xbox away grounding him discipline him and u have a 'chat' with him. Of course shes the baddie in his eyes.

The only way for this to stop and stop quick is to back up the lads mother.
Would you swap the times around. U have them all week and let ur ex have them weekends for a while?

As for bring legal proceedings against the mother of ur kids over a clout. Maybe u dont agree with it but as u said hes a devil with her what exactly do u expect her to do? He is upsetting ur other child remember!

I know its not pc but a clout never did us any harm only told us '**** better not do that again'

Lola92

Justask wrote: »

I think your ex's parenting is affective when there is support. Your son is clearly pushibg the boundaries and he's aware that you are the soft touch. Of course hes going to go up agsinst his mum if she is taking his xbox away grounding him discipline him and u have a 'chat' with him. Of course shes the baddie in his eyes.

The only way for this to stop and stop quick is to back up the lads mother.
Would you swap the times around. U have them all week and let ur ex have them weekends for a while?

As for bring legal proceedings against the mother of ur kids over a clout. Maybe u dont agree with it but as u said hes a devil with her what exactly do u expect her to do? He is upsetting ur other child remember!

I know its not pc but a clout never did us any harm only told us '**** better not do that again'

Seriously?? The son is behaving well and respecting his father, because of this you think the mam is doing things the right way by hitting him, and the dad should start hitting him too? IE, replicating exactly what is not working in the other home?

The dad here, campo, does not have to take the xbox away and ground his son because he is behaving appropriately with him!

Justask

Lola92 wrote: »

Seriously?? The son is behaving well and respecting his father, because of this you think the mam is doing things the right way by hitting him, and the dad should start hitting him too? IE, replicating exactly what is not working in the other home?

The dad here, campo, does not have to take the xbox away and ground his son because he is behaving appropriately with him!

Not really sure were I said he should start hitting him! I said he needs to support his ex and agree on parenting the child the same way. A ticket system for a 14 yr old!! Seriously. I just told mine about the ticket system and hes still giggling. They are teenagers not toddler's.

I dont agree with tip toeing around kids. Its my opinion.

I dont agree with ur opinion on this but boards is about getting different views.

December2012

Am I missing something here - he behaves for you but not for his mother?

Then maybe she should be trying your style of parenting?

Has your son ever had any therapy or counselling with his mam to discuss the break up and emotional issues resulting from it?

Do you OP think it would help? Their relationship as you describe it seems very adversarial.

campo

December2012 wrote: »

Am I missing something here - he behaves for you but not for his mother?

Then maybe she should be trying your style of parenting?

Has your son ever had any therapy or counselling with his mam to discuss the break up and emotional issues resulting from it?

Do you OP think it would help? Their relationship as you describe it seems very adversarial.

Yes we broke up about 7 years ago and he took he bad so we started him in counselling at it did him the world of good, really it is only the last couple of years that he has started to act up.

But I think you are right maybe a group session with him and his mother is needed as to me there seems to be lack of understanding one another

December2012

I wonder then is he trying to identify with you, as you are a male, like him, and not the custodial parent?

Is he lashing out at her, because she is not you?

campo

December2012 wrote: »

I wonder then is he trying to identify with you, as you are a male, like him, and not the custodial parent?

Is he lashing out at her, because she is not you?

I think he believes I understand him more and maybe I do as I remember being a teen boy myself.

He does also have a step dad who is a great guy but would not share the same interest as my son as I would like football and sci fi tv etc

homeandabroad

I don't know if it helps but I have 2 teenagers (girl 17, boy 14). Their dad works away all the time now during the week so I am a single parent mon to fri, sometimes weekends too. My observations are as follows:
-Kids kick off a lot more at the parent they are with more as we are the ones who have to lay down the law during the week. We are the baddies! The only thing standing between them and freedom!
-My son kicks off against me a lot more than he does with his Dad, I think it's a male thing. I often feel that my son (who is a great kid) sees me as the annoying little woman, telling him "the big man" what to do! Teenage boys definitely need male authority!
-The only way to deal with it is together. If you don't agree with your ex partner's parenting style, discuss it with her in private, in a supportive way and make sure you both agree an approach. Your threats to report her sound very aggressive to me, this is not a constructive approach, you need to be supportive, she may then take your concerns on board more (obviously I don't know the full story). Also be very careful not to undermine their mother. If your kids pick up that you disagree with/criticse her method of parenting, you will make it more difficult for her and the situation will escalate! Keep it between you and her.
The teenage years are the most difficult IMO and kids need to have a good relationship with BOTH parents to negotiate the problems they have and keep focussed positively, avoiding negative temptations. Work with their mother, irrespective of your opinion of her. You have only a short timeframe left to get things right and then you will both be able to be proud of them and yourselves. Who wants to consider the alternative?

Best of luck, us parents always need loads of it!

qwertytlk

My guess is the hitting has made him have less respect for her. I say this from personal experience.
Also her ringing you when he misbehavess so you can deal with it is only reinforcing in your son that she can't control him herself. Its basically an admission from her to him that she can't control him and then the worst that happens is a phone call to you. I mean how much can you do on the other end of the phone you know?!

You both need to use the same punishments, be consistent, stick to your guns and Always follow through. Empty threats only result in empty promises.

Sit down with ex and come up with a plan re punishments. Then sit down with your son and explain how things are goight go be from now on.