Driving anxiety

fillefatale

This problem pales in comparison to some of issues raised here, but for me I feel like its holding me back.

I have taken all my 12 required lessons with a driving instructor with no problems (except I never learnt how to park a car). But I suffer from great anxiety while driving and with the idea of getting into a car. I've spent a lot of money on insurance and driving lessons and am feeling very guilty over "wasting" money. I live in a semi-rural part of the country and most of my friends can drive. If I am to practice driving i have to go with one of my parents and both increase my anxiety - by yelping and exclaiming every time the car stutters or cuts out. While I was practicing regularly at the end of last summer, before the winter set in my mum would nag constantly at me about how I wasn't out practicing every night, how i was way behind everyone else, how i was being useless by not being able to drive, if i took an easy, quiet route because i was feeling nervous "you'll never learn that way! taking the quiet way! that's no good!" It almost set me against doing the bloody thing - she has a similar attitude to every extra-curricular activity she forced me to do as a child, and similarly i dropped out of, all the pleasure being sucked out of it due to the pressure she piled on.

However, I know i need to drive, I know i need to drive even if its to get away from the toxic atmosphere that sometimes exists at home sometimes. I really want to get over this anxiety - the panic that sets in when the car cuts out at a junction, or during a hillstart and people beeping the horn at me. I know, that's life, i need to get over it - but i'd love to know if other people had similar issues when learning to drive. I know some of the most useless people i went to school with and i see them speeding around town, confident as you like. I should be able to do it, i know i must be capable.

I know i'm rambling now, and I hope someone can make some sense of this. I want to be able to drive by the end of this summer, but i feel unduly pressured, and the anxiety of driving is overwhelming at the moment. I have feelings of guilt and fear and I want to shake these off. Any advice welcomed. Thank you.

(PS. I'm a 24 year graduate, currently jobhunting and living at home)

Taltos

OP - you have fallen into the classic trap. One piece of advice I was given when I was learning to drive was to keep family out of it.

As you can see - they naturally yelp and all the rest. Part of it is they are not trained instructors and part of it might be to them you will always be the child.

Suggest you save what you can and get more private lessons or see if anyone else can accompany you in the car. I can see part of where your mother is coming from - on my first lesson my instructor brought me out to the dual carriage way. Scared the pants off me. But it did do one thing - forced me to relax. And you know what - each time you go out and make it back you need to acknowledge you did a good job.

Lets be realistic for a moment - if you go out driving thinking that you will never have an accident you will be setting yourself up for hardship. Many of us have a little accident - key thing is this - stay in control of the car at all times and be as aware as you can be of all around you. Just keep your breathing steady and keep repeating to yourself that you can do it.

I don't know anyone who just jumped into a car and started driving like a natural - it really does take practice, and maybe for some a bit more than for others. However - your mates "speeding around the town" - personally I would not be too keen to get in for a lift from them any time soon...

neemish

fillefatale wrote: »

This problem pales in comparison to some of issues raised here, but for me I feel like its holding me back.

I have taken all my 12 required lessons with a driving instructor with no problems (except I never learnt how to park a car). But I suffer from great anxiety while driving and with the idea of getting into a car. I've spent a lot of money on insurance and driving lessons and am feeling very guilty over "wasting" money. I live in a semi-rural part of the country and most of my friends can drive. If I am to practice driving i have to go with one of my parents and both increase my anxiety - by yelping and exclaiming every time the car stutters or cuts out. While I was practicing regularly at the end of last summer, before the winter set in my mum would nag constantly at me about how I wasn't out practicing every night, how i was way behind everyone else, how i was being useless by not being able to drive, if i took an easy, quiet route because i was feeling nervous "you'll never learn that way! taking the quiet way! that's no good!" It almost set me against doing the bloody thing - she has a similar attitude to every extra-curricular activity she forced me to do as a child, and similarly i dropped out of, all the pleasure being sucked out of it due to the pressure she piled on.

However, I know i need to drive, I know i need to drive even if its to get away from the toxic atmosphere that sometimes exists at home sometimes. I really want to get over this anxiety - the panic that sets in when the car cuts out at a junction, or during a hillstart and people beeping the horn at me. I know, that's life, i need to get over it - but i'd love to know if other people had similar issues when learning to drive. I know some of the most useless people i went to school with and i see them speeding around town, confident as you like. I should be able to do it, i know i must be capable.

I know i'm rambling now, and I hope someone can make some sense of this. I want to be able to drive by the end of this summer, but i feel unduly pressured, and the anxiety of driving is overwhelming at the moment. I have feelings of guilt and fear and I want to shake these off. Any advice welcomed. Thank you.

(PS. I'm a 24 year graduate, currently jobhunting and living at home)

I was 28 when i learned to drive, and lived in a rural area. Was bought a car, did the lessons, had the insurance.... And i was bloody terrified. Terrified of making a mistake, mostly terrified of hurting someone other than myself.
But i had to learn, like you, for my own sanity. I had to be able to drive away from home. i would say of all things in life family and learning to drive don't mix! As you have discovered we fall back in childhood patterns.
Do you have anyone else who could take you out? A friend or colleague? Someone supportive? Or take a few more lessons if you feel you need them. 12 is only a guideline!

As to taking easy routes, that makes sense. Get confident driving some easy routes around home. Even go out for ten mins. Then gradually build up. Add in the odd hillstart or roundabout.

And remember, it IS nervewracking! You're not imagining it. The first time i drove on my own from town to home, i drove at 40 the whole way in third gear and thought i would have kittens!


Think positive- look beyond now- see yourself driving anywhere, anytime. Music on, chilled out. That WILL be you soon. And you will wonder why you didn't learn to drive sooner.

Good luck!

MissFlitworth

You sound *exactly* like me! Anxiety nearly floored me when I was learning to drive as well. I got fixated on the idea that I was going to crash and kill someone or that I'd lose control of the car. Genuinely didn't think I could do it at times, was super close to just popping my provisional licence into a drawer and 'forgetting' about it. The only thing that worked for me was to keep it up, I used to drive really early in the morning when the roads were calm, practiced all my reversing around corners and getting used to gears in a deserted industrial estate late in the evening. I used to panic so much when I cut out somewhere that I wanted to abandon the car It sucks and it's horrible but it does pass as long as you just keep driving, or at least it did for me and I'm an anxiety bomb at times. Reading what you wrote really reminded me exactly of what learning to drive was like and I have a full licence now, ergo if I can have a full licence despite once leaving my car parked in Tesco and walking home because I couldn't face the right turn out of the car park across traffic you probably can too.

[One thing I didn't get when I was learning and sometimes friends would be squealing or sitting pressing the imaginary break or hovering over the handbreak is that at times when you're learning you do stuff that really truly is scary. It was only when I sat in the car with my sister when she was learning and knew with the benefit of a few years driving that she was wayyyyy too close to something or not breaking in time or clearly not 100% in control that I understood why people in the car with me were occasionally asshats]

amtc

I'm 39 and passed my driving test first time at 21. Bought my car at 21, and drove first time to Limerick from Dublin. Nuts!

My mother still won't sit easy in the car with me, she will try to drive my car rather than let me do it. Her mother used to get out of the car with her and walk.

12 lessons is too little to gain confidence. You need to get yourself in different circumstances. Someone once said to me you need to be two years driving before you actually can drive. Driving instructors often take up where you think you cannot go - I said I couldn't drive up Tinkers Hill in Chapelizod or around D'Olier St- my instructor took me both places. He used to put his feet on the dashboard so he couldn't rescue me. Worked! Other advice he said was you have your place on the road and don't give that up!

LegacyUser

op my heart goes out to you. my sister only learned to drive in her late 30's, manily because every time she got into the car with our parents they made her even more nervous. her husband was the same, barking at her like a bold dog. do you have a friend you can trust that'll just sit there? be a spare body in the car without actually 'instructing' you so to speak? that worked for my sister.

i'd just sit in the passenger seat and play with my phone or fiddle with the radio or look out the window. she said not being barked at gave her more confidence, and junctions were her big downfall. she could never trust herself to make the right decision to just GO (i didn't really understand what she meant but you might) but i never made the decisions for her, just let her get on with it. we did that for weeks and weeks, out along backroads, then gradually coming further into town. she went round a roundabout without even realising once, even though before we set off she swore she wouldn't be able to do it.

later on her friend took over, and they used to go on trips for things, so she'd tell my sister ''ok i need to go to b&q'' so she'd have to work out the best route herself and adjust it accordingly if there was traffic or roadworks or something, without going into meltdown cause she might have to take a different road than usual. you cannot keep the woman off the road now, you could meet her anywhere!

you'll get there eventually so don't be too down on yourself. and good luck with the jobhunting! x

fillefatale

Really appreciate all these stories - I don't have many friends near by that could sit in with me regularly, but will ask them if they'd consider coming in the car with me every now and then. It's finding the confidence to take risks and not worry about the people blowing their horn at me on junctions. I'll try to find time to drive when the traffic isn't so busy - which will be difficult due to my parents being at work. I still feel v nervous, but good to know i'm not alone and will succeed someday. Just got a job rejection today, but got to keep on going i guess.

Taltos

Not kidding but in a few years you will look back on this period and wonder at yourself.
Confidence in driving comes from repetition, changing gears, braking, turning, indicating - all of this right now you have to force yourself to think through. But as you build experience some of this changes to almost muscle memory, you don't have to think you need to brake or need to indicate - you just do it.

Sorry about the rejection - but good idea to get out with some friends. Remember to go at your own pace and if you aren't and I mean really aren't ready for a specific driving experience then put it off until you are - just build up to it and don't let it phase you. Just think where you are now compared to when you first started a car - you have already come on a huge amount and will continue to improve with each and every drive.

amtc

Just talking this over with my mum - she who wouldn't let me drive my own car....

She said that sitting in the back helped her. When you drive (and this has happened to me) being in the passenger seat means that you don't have the projection of the steering wheel - and hence feel closer than you are. It got so bad that my dad actually bought her a toy set of brakes for the passenger seat at one stage.

She used stay completely silent in the car, and I told her that talking helped me, so she used have this kind of mantra talking to me, VERY slowly and calmly about the weather - drove me nuts.

I was going to say that driving on my own was the thing that helped me, but I assume that is now illegal.

I would agree with other posters that the day you find yourself doing things unconsciously is great. It's called unconscious competence, and like I said takes at least two years. It's where you scan the road for things like little legs behind cars etc (kids), balls bouncing. Also learning to read the road for what others might do, someone with a country reg in an unfamiliar area, no testing brakes after floods, people not keeping up with the speed of the road (safely) but causing accidents. My two best friends are both learning to drive at 42 and 40, and don't know their right from their left. One has just resigned himself to taxis. The other has a big R and L inked on her hands. My aunt's had two car accidents recently because she turns around and talks to you!

Galadriel

I totally know where you are coming from, I'm 33 now and having been learning to drive on and off since I was 18 :eek: I couldn't even tell you how many provisional licenses I have had!

I have always told myself that 'I cannot do it' and I really started to believe that. I would get so nervous and work myself up so by the time I got behind the wheel of course I was going to make mistakes.

But as someone said earlier the trick is NOT to give up, keep at it, I decided this year is the year I will sit a test. So I've booked more lessons, I don't really have any one to drive with me either so it makes practicing hard, I find I make silly mistakes with family in the car beside me as I am trying to do everything perfect.

I find even having the one driving lesson a week is really helping, it helps that the driving instructor is really good too. I'm really starting to find I am not as nervous as I used to be.

Good luck OP maybe both of us will pass our tests this year!!

Vojera

I used to be just the same as you. I learned to drive around 22-23 and I was the first person in my house to learn to drive. I went for all the lessons at home in the countryside, etc, but when I brought the car up to Dublin I started freaking out, having panic attacks, having to pull into the side of the road to calm down, etc.

What really helped me was getting a few more lessons from a better instructor than I had, and getting some laid back friends to sit in the car with me. They would make me drive though the village when it was quiet so I'd learn the lanes and all, and I think I put a good 200 miles on my car driving around a college campus, but all the practise really helped my confidence.

So if I could say anything, it would be to find someone who'll sit with you who won't stress you out. Everything else will fall into place.

amtc

Forgot this - I learnt to drive at the same time as a friend - I had earned the money for my lessons, but her dad was paying for hers. He's a real control freak, and wanted to see how she was getting on, so invited himself along on a lesson. Poor girl was so nervous (as they were using his car) that she slammed straight into the wall of the driveway. So use the instructor's car! She now drives fine, and ironically married the instructor!

And you'll only learn to drive when you really have to. My mum didn't drive until in her thirties when my dad was late picking us up for my First Confession and she swore she'd never be in that position again.

thefeatheredcat

OP I'm 31 and currently learning to drive.... almost through the whole EDT lessons and my dad is my sponsor and the only full licensed person I can ask. It hasn't been easy, because he's heaped on pressure to take risks that are against the rules of the road, against what my driving instructor has taught me or panicked completely... I lost the plot with him completely because it really stressed me out with stuff and he needed to know it wasn't helping me. And I still had to tell him a few times after that to button it about some stuff, to not heap on pressure that I need to know how to drive, that I need to apply what I have learned and not rely on his judgement that the road is clear or now is the suitable time to leap frog in front of cars or whatever as I'm the one in the driver's seat and where the car goes is my responsibility.. My dad winces from time to time and in the passenger's seat is himself putting in the imaginary clutch and brake! I just deal with it by laughing it off and talking about it, saying stuff like are you alright, did you need a break and so on.

I think you need to tell your mother that she is heaping too much pressure on you and that if she continues to pressure you and pit you against how your friends are fairing with driving, you aren't going to be driving. She needs to back off totally about it, because it is discouraging you.

I've cut out the car many times and in bad places. Lots of times, coming up to junctions, driving on the flat, in traffic, at traffic lights, on a traffic light roundabout (a terribly busy one too!) The more it happens, the more you get comfortable with the whole process and not to panic over it. It's not a big deal and if you stall the car, what's more important is that you can stop the car safely rather than restarting it in 0.0004 seconds. A good EDT instructor, even if you're being hard on yourself because of making mistakes will tell you not to worry about it and that they would rather that you make mistakes while learning to drive, rather than thinking yourself the best driver in the world, being totally complacent and over confident and writing the car off 2 days after getting your full license in causing an accident.

Can you arrange with your driving instructor just to do a few extra non EDT type lessons to deal with in a better way, pressure, anxieties and cutting out? Have ye ever discussed being anxious when practising, or did they know how severe it is for you? Maybe having this particular need focused on in practice driving / lessons can help you find a way of coping.

I think you need not to just get your parents to back off and relieve you of pressure, but you have to stop pressuring yourself that you MUST get this all completed by Day X. So what if your friends are all driving around? It doesn't matter an inch, life is not a competition of who out of the group is the first to learn to drive or other things in life. What matters here is your priority and if you want to learn to drive, it has to be on your terms and for you to want to do.

In all the weeks of learning, I've lost confidence a few times and had to give myself space and more practise to rebuild my confidence, even going back to basic moves and routes rather than bulldozing forward with a challenging or difficult route because I would have lost the nerve for it. I've been thrown into the deep end by both my instructor and my sponsor and my instructor is a fair bit clued in that he does know that people and their ability vary, that some people need the progression and others can be told drive wherever and they'll do OK.

You know yourself you want to drive...... then you do it for you and nobody else. It doesn't matter when you learn to drive, what matters is that YOU feel YOU can cope with driving, with all the many different things that can happen when you're driving and how you respond to it. If you don't feel that way now and you need a break from it, then take a break, get your confidence up with other things, and then take another approach that works better for you to succeed and be comfortable things like stalling the car that you can laugh it off and be relaxed while driving which will make you a more confident driver.

leahyl

Taltos wrote: »

Not kidding but in a few years you will look back on this period and wonder at yourself.
Confidence in driving comes from repetition, changing gears, braking, turning, indicating - all of this right now you have to force yourself to think through. But as you build experience some of this changes to almost muscle memory, you don't have to think you need to brake or need to indicate - you just do it.Sorry about the rejection - but good idea to get out with some friends. Remember to go at your own pace and if you aren't and I mean really aren't ready for a specific driving experience then put it off until you are - just build up to it and don't let it phase you. Just think where you are now compared to when you first started a car - you have already come on a huge amount and will continue to improve with each and every drive.

This. I was so nervous when I was learning how to drive I actually used to get butterflies in my stomach every morning when I woke up and knew I had to drive into work (my dad used to come with me every morning and then drive the car home and come back for me in the evening bless him ) But eventually, I started getting used to all the controls etc and now, 2 and half years later, I have passed my driving test (that was Nov 2010) and I am just changing gears automatically without giving it a second thought!

Don't worry OP, you just have to persist and keep practising! Everyone had to learn at one time Good luck

Also, take your time!! There is no no rush!! IMO you're still learning even a good few years after getting your licence - when I got mine it wasn't like I just hopped in the car on my own the next day and I was all confident - far from it, I was still shaking! But you build up your confidence over time :-)

No4891060019

Just drive on the roads you know, which are less busy. After a while you'll get used to the car (if you drive every day - in a few weeks).

If you're starting uphill, pull your handbrake, slowly release the clutch and gently press accelerator until you see the bonnet goes up, the revs also go up so don't rev too much, just until the bonnet goes up. Then slowly release the handbrake and the car will go. Do it some time before the light goes green.

One advice I heard is don't let anyone affect your driving.

Sarn

I would have been very nervous when I first started out as well. Initially I used my parents car, got some lessons but never really practiced. Unsurprisingly I failed my first test. Stopped driving after that, taking the easy option of walking or public transport.

It wasn't until I was 29 that I finally decided that enough was enough and I went out and bought a car. This forced me to use it. I was so nervous initially that I used to take the short drive to work to be in for 7 am in order to avoid traffic! As I lived in Dublin I still got to experience the joy of rush hour traffic on the way home. For me, driving the same route and driving around the local roads that I knew made it a lot easier. In time it became a reflex and I was comfortable and familiar with my own car. I aced my next test which was in the worst possible weather conditions that you could imagine! Just keep practising and the anxiety will slowly fade.

borabora

Hi OP. My sister is here beside me painting her nails and dictating this! I was reading this out to her as she is going through the exact same thing at the moment. Despite being 28 I still don't drive! Our mother doesn't drive and I think this had added our nervousness around it.

Anyway, she said she has had a marked improvement in the last few weeks. Two things have encouraged this. Number one - she has found a driving instructor who has been recommended to her for people with this issue. She is in Dublin so obviously this won't suit you, but do some research and see if you can find someone that specialises in nervous drivers in your area. It has made a huge difference. The second thing is a hypnosis programme she downloaded off the Internet, specifically for driving phobia. Google that, initials of the man that does it are JC... don't know if I can recommend it here!. In the past two weeks since listening to this audio she has driven to the airport and thorough town at night. Dad was in the car but she would never have dreamt of doing this two weeks ago. She's still not there yet, and she's still not in the place where she can drive on her own but she's in a place where it's now a possibility, which it wasn't before. She understands about the embarrassment of people seeing you walking instead of driving but she says that negative thoughts such as that just exacerbate the situation so just don't let yourself go there. Think about the 80 year old woman driving around - we can do it!

The_Conductor

Hi OP- get a calm friend to drive with you. Someone who can give you good pointers, and be a good teacher. Someone who isn't judgemental, and when something goes wrong, is helpful getting you out of the situation, not a sobbing mess at the roadside.

You are going to have to get used to regular roads- without deliberately terrorising yourself (aka- the N17 is a useful road- its good practice on a main road- while the N4 out of Sligo in comparison, should be avoided at all costs- I've been driving for years, and it terrorises me!)

Get used to the car first of all- how it works, getting up and down the gears, dimensions of the car etc. Some good advice I was given by my first instructor many years ago was- walk around the car everytime before you sit in. Make sure there isn't anything obvious missing, you have no flat tyres, broken lights, missing door handles or anything strange. At least once a week, drive up towards a window and go through your lights in the window one by one- to check that none of your bulbs are blown. If the weather is cold- top up your fluid with deicer. Etc- all little things that will come as second nature after a while, but that will save you time and time again in the future.

We all have accidents too, while driving, or in carparks- when the inevitable does happen, keep calm, exchange insurance details, and learn from it and don't do it again.

If it is your own car- you have to learn rudimentary upkeep of the car- but remember never ever take shortcuts with your tyres- they are the 4 points of contact you have with the road- make damn sure they're good points of contact.

Over time many things will become habits that you'll automatically do- little rituals, that will save you again and again.

By the way- I sat my driving test many moons ago in Naas, Co. Kildare. It was pelting rain, lunchtime on a Friday. I stalled the car going up the hill on mainstreet- and had at least a half dozen cars honking their horns at me. I ignored them. Followed my routine, got going again and carried on. At the end of the test the driving tester said that he'd normally have failed me for stalling the car, but was so impressed at how calm and courteous I was towards other road users, that I was a definite pass. Keep calm, take your time, be safe, and learn from every experience you have.