Negative thoughts

LegacyUser

I'm not sure why I'm writing or what sort of advice I can really expect to be offered. I guess I'm just looking to vent in a way.

I'm 28, female and have never been in a relationship. I've "dated" quite a lot but have never had anyone I could call my boyfriend. While it didn't bother me so much when I was in my early and mid-20's, I have to admit its bothering me now. Rationally, I know I don't *need* anyone but I feel I've reached a stage in my life where I want to be with someone. I want to share experiences with someone, have companionship and eventually, have children with someone. I also know 28 is not that old but I also feel 28 years of being single is enough for me. I want to try something different.

When I do meet people, I just hate how needy I become. For instance, on Friday, I met a guy and we got on really well. It was towards the end of the night so we didn't spend a huge amount of time together but we had a good conversation and a quick kiss at the end of the night. He wasn't drinking and I only had a few on me so it wasn't one of those drunken, messy hook-ups. He asked me if I wanted to meet up again and I said yeah. He text me then to see if I got home and said it was nice to have met me.

So that was Friday, its now Monday and while I know its still early, I feel like I'm on tender hooks waiting for him to call/text. Its ridiculous....every time my phone goes off I race to check it and silently hope its him. When its not, I feel gutted. I feel so pathetic that I'm behaving like this. The voice in my head switches between "why hasnt he text yet?" to "he's not going to text you." I recognise these are negative thoughts for me and are distracting me from everything else, however I just don't know how to change them.

I try to respond to these with more positive things like "well he's the one missing out" or "if he doesn't text, well then its not meant to be" but the negativity just keeps on creeping back in. I'll completely start second guess myself. I'll tell myself that I'm actually the one who is missing out because I'm the one who wants the boyfriend, or that there is noone out there for me. I'm starting to question how well we actually did get on..was it just me imagining it.

And I know it might sound a bit strange in light of the above, but when I'm talking to people I think I appear the complete opposite. I've been told I often appear uninterested in men and give off the impression that I have a boyfriend already.

I'm probably sounding a bit crazy here (voices in my head!) but these are the thoughts swimming around in my brain. And it's consuming me and distracting me from other important tasks I should be doing.

Also with this guy, is there a deadline as such for when I should expect a text off him? I'm open to texting him but am just afraid of appearing needy or too full. I'm aware I might be reading too much into it but during the conversation he told me he felt a bit out of practice talking to me cause he doesn't been out meeting girls in a while. I'm worried that translates into hes not interested - tho of course I could be reading to much into that.

I dunno, this over-analysing is tiring but I just don't know how to stop.

ChunkyLover54

negativethinker wrote: »

Also with this guy, is there a deadline as such for when I should expect a text off him? I'm open to texting him but am just afraid of appearing needy or too full. I'm aware I might be reading too much into it but during the conversation he told me he felt a bit out of practice talking to me cause he doesn't been out meeting girls in a while. I'm worried that translates into hes not interested - tho of course I could be reading to much into that.

I don't feel I'm qualified to advise on the greater issue of what appears to be a lack of self-esteem that you are experiencing (I only say that because the way you describe yourself reminds me of myself).

However, I do encourage you to send this guy a text or to call him.

It is possible that he feels the exact same way as you (i.e. afraid of appearing needy). As he told you he hasn't been meeting many women lately and perhaps he lacks confidence. He might be very grateful if you re-broke the ice, so to speak.

Also, it may have a galvanising effect on your own confidence if you were to take the initiative on this. If nothing else it would save any further uncomfortable waiting and speculation.

Merkin

You're not being rational and that's what I'd focus on to shut out the chatter.You met a stranger for an hour or two at most and yet you're letting him (without his knowledge!) dictate your mood, your productivity and further dent your clearly damaged self esteem.Try and think rationally hon as to why it would be nice if he got in touch but won't ruin your life if he doesn't!

Also I'd echo the above.If he's out of the dating game I'd open the lines of communication myself rather than hanging around like one of the Bennett sisters in Pride and Prejudice.Take some control back, text him and see how he is and how his week is, you have nothing to lose and it will allow you some respite from thought processes that are clearly upsetting you.

kaiserjim

negativethinker wrote: »

I'm not sure why I'm writing or what sort of advice I can really expect to be offered. I guess I'm just looking to vent in a way.

I'm 28, female and have never been in a relationship. I've "dated" quite a lot but have never had anyone I could call my boyfriend. While it didn't bother me so much when I was in my early and mid-20's, I have to admit its bothering me now. Rationally, I know I don't *need* anyone but I feel I've reached a stage in my life where I want to be with someone. I want to share experiences with someone, have companionship and eventually, have children with someone. I also know 28 is not that old but I also feel 28 years of being single is enough for me. I want to try something different.

When I do meet people, I just hate how needy I become. For instance, on Friday, I met a guy and we got on really well. It was towards the end of the night so we didn't spend a huge amount of time together but we had a good conversation and a quick kiss at the end of the night. He wasn't drinking and I only had a few on me so it wasn't one of those drunken, messy hook-ups. He asked me if I wanted to meet up again and I said yeah. He text me then to see if I got home and said it was nice to have met me.

So that was Friday, its now Monday and while I know its still early, I feel like I'm on tender hooks waiting for him to call/text. Its ridiculous....every time my phone goes off I race to check it and silently hope its him. When its not, I feel gutted. I feel so pathetic that I'm behaving like this. The voice in my head switches between "why hasnt he text yet?" to "he's not going to text you." I recognise these are negative thoughts for me and are distracting me from everything else, however I just don't know how to change them.

I try to respond to these with more positive things like "well he's the one missing out" or "if he doesn't text, well then its not meant to be" but the negativity just keeps on creeping back in. I'll completely start second guess myself. I'll tell myself that I'm actually the one who is missing out because I'm the one who wants the boyfriend, or that there is noone out there for me. I'm starting to question how well we actually did get on..was it just me imagining it.

And I know it might sound a bit strange in light of the above, but when I'm talking to people I think I appear the complete opposite. I've been told I often appear uninterested in men and give off the impression that I have a boyfriend already.

I'm probably sounding a bit crazy here (voices in my head!) but these are the thoughts swimming around in my brain. And it's consuming me and distracting me from other important tasks I should be doing.

Also with this guy, is there a deadline as such for when I should expect a text off him? I'm open to texting him but am just afraid of appearing needy or too full. I'm aware I might be reading too much into it but during the conversation he told me he felt a bit out of practice talking to me cause he doesn't been out meeting girls in a while. I'm worried that translates into hes not interested - tho of course I could be reading to much into that.

I dunno, this over-analysing is tiring but I just don't know how to stop.

So he has texted you but your stressing that he hasn't texted you ? Ask him out ffs and be yourself. If it works out good if not move on to the next one.

Mollusc

In this day and age, if you want to talk to the fella, give him a call. There are no hard and fast rules here. What have you got to lose?

No4891060019

Maybe you appeared confident so he doesn't know how to approach you.

If you really liked him then text him, something casual I'd say. Depending on the first conversation.

If he's not intersted don't worry about it. Like someone said don't get attached to strangers too much.

Catphish

negativethinker wrote: »

I'm not sure why I'm writing or what sort of advice I can really expect to be offered. I guess I'm just looking to vent in a way.

I'm 28, female and have never been in a relationship. I've "dated" quite a lot but have never had anyone I could call my boyfriend. While it didn't bother me so much when I was in my early and mid-20's, I have to admit its bothering me now. Rationally, I know I don't *need* anyone but I feel I've reached a stage in my life where I want to be with someone. I want to share experiences with someone, have companionship and eventually, have children with someone. I also know 28 is not that old but I also feel 28 years of being single is enough for me. I want to try something different.

When I do meet people, I just hate how needy I become. For instance, on Friday, I met a guy and we got on really well. It was towards the end of the night so we didn't spend a huge amount of time together but we had a good conversation and a quick kiss at the end of the night. He wasn't drinking and I only had a few on me so it wasn't one of those drunken, messy hook-ups. He asked me if I wanted to meet up again and I said yeah. He text me then to see if I got home and said it was nice to have met me.

So that was Friday, its now Monday and while I know its still early, I feel like I'm on tender hooks waiting for him to call/text. Its ridiculous....every time my phone goes off I race to check it and silently hope its him. When its not, I feel gutted. I feel so pathetic that I'm behaving like this. The voice in my head switches between "why hasnt he text yet?" to "he's not going to text you." I recognise these are negative thoughts for me and are distracting me from everything else, however I just don't know how to change them.

I try to respond to these with more positive things like "well he's the one missing out" or "if he doesn't text, well then its not meant to be" but the negativity just keeps on creeping back in. I'll completely start second guess myself. I'll tell myself that I'm actually the one who is missing out because I'm the one who wants the boyfriend, or that there is noone out there for me. I'm starting to question how well we actually did get on..was it just me imagining it.

And I know it might sound a bit strange in light of the above, but when I'm talking to people I think I appear the complete opposite. I've been told I often appear uninterested in men and give off the impression that I have a boyfriend already.

I'm probably sounding a bit crazy here (voices in my head!) but these are the thoughts swimming around in my brain. And it's consuming me and distracting me from other important tasks I should be doing.

Also with this guy, is there a deadline as such for when I should expect a text off him? I'm open to texting him but am just afraid of appearing needy or too full. I'm aware I might be reading too much into it but during the conversation he told me he felt a bit out of practice talking to me cause he doesn't been out meeting girls in a while. I'm worried that translates into hes not interested - tho of course I could be reading to much into that.

I dunno, this over-analysing is tiring but I just don't know how to stop.

You need to relax a bit. If you haven't heard from him yet, text him and ask him if he'd like to do anything this weekend.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice so far.

I did text the guy. Just a general "hey what's the craic, how's your week going" type message. So far Ive gotten nothing but radio silence! And at this stage, I'm not expecting a reply. Tbh, I'm not too bothered. I know that sounds strange in light of the post I made but I think this is my problem. As one poster said, I seem to get really hung up on strangers I meet and for a while ill fixate on them. Then, the fixation will pass and I'll wonder why I was ever high strung about it all.

So while I'm fine now, I know in the future it is likely to happen again. I'll meet someone, my imagination and mind will go into overdrive and the whole process will start all over again. I suppose it's useful that I can recognise what is happening but I have no clue how to stop it.

Catphish

negativethinker wrote: »

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice so far.

I did text the guy. Just a general "hey what's the craic, how's your week going" type message. So far Ive gotten nothing but radio silence! And at this stage, I'm not expecting a reply. Tbh, I'm not too bothered. I know that sounds strange in light of the post I made but I think this is my problem. As one poster said, I seem to get really hung up on strangers I meet and for a while ill fixate on them. Then, the fixation will pass and I'll wonder why I was ever high strung about it all.

So while I'm fine now, I know in the future it is likely to happen again. I'll meet someone, my imagination and mind will go into overdrive and the whole process will start all over again. I suppose it's useful that I can recognise what is happening but I have no clue how to stop it.

You're right here, at least you can come away from this with a positive. You just need to relax a bit, go with the flow of things rather than getting ahead of yourself. I've a feeling you take this intensity with you on the dates themselves, which you will have to address. Dates dont have to be serious and intense, I like to pretend I'm out with a really good friend, and at the very least I'll have a good laugh and night out that way. If something comes of it in between, well then thats just an added bonus.

You'll have to date a few frogs first before find the right guy, try not to get too frustrated about it