Dealing with fear?

LegacyUser

Not sure how to start really, i'm a late 20's female never had a proper relationship, I suppose in a nutshell, I've come to realise that I am completely self sabotaging any potential romantic relationships that come my way

I am absolutely terrified of letting myself fall for someone. I was seeing someone recently and once again I completely, deliberately, f**ked it up. It's always the same pattern, I meet a nice guy, the first few dates go really well and then the fear kicks in and I start thinking if I allow myself to let this guy in any further and get to know me and I fall for him, when or if, it all falls apart he could really really hurt me. Then I guess the shutters go up and I turn into a different person around him, really aloof and cold (when that's not me at all) and then it all invariably fizzles out.

I just don't understand how people deal with that fear? Or if others even experience it?
The thoughts of falling in love with someone and then losing them just seems unbearable to me. How do you just let go and open yourself up?

Sorry I know this is all very vague and ambiguous, but any thoughts or advice would be very welcome.

beks101

CheckIn wrote: »

I just don't understand how people deal with that fear? Or if others even experience it?

I think you just have to feel it really. It's a bigger or smaller fear for different people, depending on their experiences. If you've been hurt before then naturally your brain will be telling you "RUN FAST NOW!" as you get more intimate with a new partner.

But if you let your actions be motivated by that voice, then it becomes bigger, assumes more power and becomes more and more difficult to overcome.

Just be honest with the next guy. Tell him how much you like him, but that you tend to have your guard up in new relationships because of past experiences, and if he's willing to be patient, you'll hopefully get through it this time. And it will require a big effort from you.

You talk about heartbreak like it's the absolute end of the world, the utter annihilation of you. It's not. It happens all the time, every day, to virtually everyone everywhere. It sucks like all hell of course when someone you've built your world around walks out of your life and for a few weeks / months / maybe even years you'll feel like crawling into a hole and dying. But you emerge from it a stronger, often more self-aware person who has learned to deal with deep emotional pain and has a greater understanding of their needs in a relationship.

It's life really. I think the greater fear to have is all the wonderful men and relationships and all the potential growth and happiness you could miss out on if you continue to let this nagging voice stand in your way.

LoneDRanger

Without risk you may avoid some pain, but rewards are diminished. I try to follow Tennyson's advice:

'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.