My brother's reaction.

ekpiribok

Last week I needed to print stuff from my laptop's printer, but realized that I was out of ink. I then went to the general computer which is accessed by my wife who happens to be a student, my seven years old daughter, and my brother who happens to be an adult. On searching for the file that I had downloaded to print out, I found about eight downloads of pornographic links on the same general computer that my seven year old accesses. As a parent I was very alarmed and deleted all of them. The following day I had a discussion with my brother about the inappropriate downloads that I had deleted. I told him that I would not tolerate such inappropriate future visits or downloads to that computer by whom ever did it. I did not point a finger at my wife or my brother, but spoke in general terms. My brother moved down to live with us from another state. I told he could live with us as soon as he wants until he was ready to find a place for himself an ultimately move out and start his own family. He uses the computer regularly several times a day prior to my discussion with him, but since then he doesn't use it anymore, doesn't come out to watch TV anymore, and just stays locked up in his room until when he's ready to eat or if it's time to go to work. I found him work where I also work, he rides with me to work and depends on me for anything else. Now he is making an income. This is my problem: Was I wrong in having this discussion with anyone? The fact that he locks himself up in the bedroom all day bothers me a lot, and I am not accustomed to living under a tense atmosphere. Do I give him time to overcome this behavior, or if it doesn't change I'm thinking of having another discussion with him to let him know that I'm uncomfortable with his new attitude and that if he doesn't change, then I'll have to let him think about other plans, including him moving out if he has to. What should I do? Please help. Thanks

Lisha

I would not be impressed if porn was downloaded and accessible on a PC my kids use either
You had to tell him it was not ok to happen in future
Sounds like you did it fairly and non accusingly. It's hard to have an adult sibling living with you know. Sounds like ye might need to discuss boundaries and so on . He is probably mortified that ye think he is a pervert. He might need some reassurance that this is not the case
Best of luck

ekpiribok

Thank you very much Lisha. I just wanted to put this out there to get other people's point of view.

Neyite

He is behaving like a petulant child. Ignore his behaviour. In my opinion, he was out of order downloading unsuitable material that your wife and child could see, and you were right to say it to him. His problem if he is in a sulk about being pulled on it.

2Mad2BeMad

hes acting like a child
ignore him simple as
what was he thinking looking at porn on a computer which could be accessed by your child, or by any of your family for that matter,
obviously its normal but their are plenty of other ways then him doing it that way
hes just embarressed so let him go on the way hes going on, hes acting like a child simple as that
he could of at least deleted everything history and all after he was done

judgefudge

I'd say it's embarrassment. How did he react at the time when you said it to him?

LegacyUser

The following day I had a discussion with my brother about the inappropriate downloads that I had deleted. I told him that I would not tolerate such inappropriate future visits or downloads to that computer by whom ever did it. I did not point a finger at my wife or my brother, but spoke in general terms. My brother moved down to live with us from another state.

OP first off downloading porn onto a computer your daughter uses is not okay and you were right to confront him but personally I think the manner in which you did it was quite passive agressive to be fair to him. I mean clearly you knew it wasn't your wife, he is your brother so why not just speak to him as a brother rather than a tenant and ask him to stop downloading porn you didn't want your daughter/wife to see it. This whole whom ever business just seems really passive agressive to me.

Yeah he's being really passive agressive in his behaviour but you dealt with the situation in the same way imho.

Also if you brought this conversation up in front of both your wife and him knowing full well it wasn't your wife who had downloaded it, he's probably just too mortifiyed to face her!

Do I give him time to overcome this behavior, or if it doesn't change I'm thinking of having another discussion with him to let him know that I'm uncomfortable with his new attitude and that if he doesn't change, then I'll have to let him think about other plans, including him moving out if he has to. What should I do? Please help. Thanks

Again, i think you should treat him like a brother, sit him down just the two of you, tell him you may not have approached the situation in the best way but that you just felt him downloading porn where your daughter could find it was very inappropriate, but obviously we all view porn from time to time and he has nothing to be embarrased about.

I''m sure it won't be a popular perspective but just my 2 cents!

Boombastic

While I agree your brother is acting childish over this issue, your 7 year old should not be using the computer unsupervised. Aside from that, you should have a conversation with him about his attitude. It's your home and you should not have to live under stressful circumstances. Now that he is earning, I would say it's time he started looking for his own place.

blatantrereg

I think it sounds like embarrassment too tbh. Try to coax him out gently maybe.
I would probably ask him to help me out in a couple of ways. Find tasks that would be helpful to you. Show appreciation if he carries them out. It might make him feel empowered in a positive way - accepted and useful etc - might override embarrassment.

ekpiribok

Thanks judgeFudge for your insight. In fact he was quiet throughout my discussion with him. I think he took the "fifth."

ekpiribok

Thank you moderator Neyite for your input. I wish to also appreciate blatantrereg, 2Mad2BeMad, Bombastic, and ithinkyourealittlewrong for all your different perspectives. Now I have different angles from which to proceed.