just realised i dont love my wife anymore

LegacyUser

here it goes.
for years we've been married. we have two lovely children under two. but lately i've realised i dont love my wife anymore. we're struggling financially and her parents do help out but they see this as buying their way into controlling our lives. we spoke about our marriage and agreed to work on it but it's just not working. i've been putting on an act to keep her happy. shes begged me to stay saying how much she loves me etc. but i've lost total interest.
over the past while we've had child minders and looking at them has made me realise theres other women out there than just my wife.she has had a huge hold on me for years. shes the ones that wears the trousers so to speak. plus her family are telling her how to live her life. lets just say there was a big blow up recently when her mother let hersrlf into the house to meet the child minder. i nealy lost the plot when i found out. i told her mother a few truths and now shes saying she'll never come over here again. my wife doesn't care about her parents anymore, she just loves me and wants me never to leave her and the kids.
i've joined lets just say other sites and i was browsing when i came across someone who looks exactly like our child minder. i was absolutely shocked but i dont know in what way.whether it's because shes looking for other men or the fact shes just on one of these sites. as i said she looks like our minder but i'm not 100% certain.
my head is really messed up.maybe i'm coming down with depression.it looks that way. problem is i cant tell anyone in case my job finds out.
i honestly dont know what to do.

Lorna123

"Faraway hills are green" Make an effort to get your marriage sorted. You know what to do and what not to do and if you still feel the same in a year's time after you have tried, get back on here.

Mr Bump

OP, money issues always causes problems, also you are looking at child minders, these young ladies are approx 20yo, how old are you???, I think you are just in a crisis at the moment, I understand the family pushing there way in is an issue, and for me i would tell them also to stay out of everything, but come on, your wife and kids deserve more then that, give them a chance, in my view you need to get a grip and face your problems and deal with them for your wife and kids sack, grow a set of balls and do what every man should do which is put the wife and kids first, when you get back on your feet and money troubles is a thing of the past and you still cant find your love again for your wife well then look at where things are going, but not with the lust for a young child minder,

LegacyUser

i'm in my early 40's ,childminders in her 30's. things have been bad for a long time between myself and my wife. it's more complicated than it looks. i've just no interest in her anymore.
i dont know what else to do. i love the babies. she has her family all be it they're not perfect.
but i've no one, yesterday was supposed to be a good day instead i was missing my mom who's dead about six years.
i've really tried to work things with my wife or should i say shes tried but i think at think stage theres to much damage after being done between her family interfering and a few other things.

CaraMay

You sound like a petulant teenager. You chose to marry this woman and have two kids with her (very recently) but now you are a bit bored and not that enamored by domesticity. That's tough but deal with it. Get off those sites and ðirect that energy into your family. Time to grow up and deal with your choices.

Lorna123

There is no such thing as an easy ride in this life. Everything has to be worked at, job, relationships, marriage etc. You might think that if you met someone new all your troubles would be over, but they would not. You would still have to work at any new relationship. You might think that the easy option would be to find someone new but you are mistaken. Could you just go away for a week or two and sort out your mind. You might find that being alone is not that great and it might help you to appreciate what you have. Interfering in-laws are a pita but you can get that sorted easily enough. Everything is just getting on top of you at the moment and you think other women are more attractive than your wife, but that is just a novelty thought and not the real world. My advice to you would be to take a break away for a week or two and see how you feel when you come back. Best of Luck.

daisybelle2008

OP, get to your GP about the depression, get properly diagnosed and treated. You seem to be fantasising about this childminder, who i get the impression is married and have convinced yourself she is on dating sites with a picture up? that is unlikely. Dating sites etc. are not going to help your situation, and only make you feel more unhappy and trapped. You are over critical of your inlaws, not sure why you 'lost the plot' over the MIL letting herself into the house, sounds like you are over protective about the childminder because you fancy her. Your inlaws are getting the brunt lately because of how you feel about your wife. You are blaming them, but I think if you loved and respected your wife you would tolerate them and appreciate the financial and emotional support they give your family.

sligoface

confusedandreallydown wrote: »

here it goes.
for years we've been married. we have two lovely children under two. but lately i've realised i dont love my wife anymore. we're struggling financially and her parents do help out but they see this as buying their way into controlling our lives. we spoke about our marriage and agreed to work on it but it's just not working. i've been putting on an act to keep her happy. shes begged me to stay saying how much she loves me etc. but i've lost total interest.
over the past while we've had child minders and looking at them has made me realise theres other women out there than just my wife.she has had a huge hold on me for years. shes the ones that wears the trousers so to speak. plus her family are telling her how to live her life. lets just say there was a big blow up recently when her mother let hersrlf into the house to meet the child minder. i nealy lost the plot when i found out. i told her mother a few truths and now shes saying she'll never come over here again. my wife doesn't care about her parents anymore, she just loves me and wants me never to leave her and the kids.
i've joined lets just say other sites and i was browsing when i came across someone who looks exactly like our child minder. i was absolutely shocked but i dont know in what way.whether it's because shes looking for other men or the fact shes just on one of these sites. as i said she looks like our minder but i'm not 100% certain.
my head is really messed up.maybe i'm coming down with depression.it looks that way. problem is i cant tell anyone in case my job finds out.
i honestly dont know what to do.

I can understand falling out of love but bangin the babysitter is not the answer, sorry to be a bit crude but cop on, that has disaster written all over it and u could lose everything, the kids house, etc. I've seen men do things like this more than once and they never live happily ever after with the one they leave for,and then their kids hate them forever as well.how do u even know this minder would fall last at yr feet, more likely she'd be horrified at the prospect of destroying a marriage and the lives of children she has been caring for and bonded with. Reality check needed in a big way. Would u be happy to leave without this fantasy romance in the picture?

Three Seasons

CaraMay wrote: »

You sound like a petulant teenager. You chose to marry this woman and have two kids with her (very recently) but now you are a bit bored and not that enamored by domesticity. That's tough but deal with it. Get off those sites and ðirect that energy into your family. Time to grow up and deal with your choices.

So you are saying he should just stay with a woman he doesn't love, and even worse, let his wife be with a man who doesn't have any interest in her. Just do this until they die??

Three Seasons

Lorna123 wrote: »

There is no such thing as an easy ride in this life. Everything has to be worked at, job, relationships, marriage etc. You might think that if you met someone new all your troubles would be over, but they would not. You would still have to work at any new relationship. You might think that the easy option would be to find someone new but you are mistaken. Could you just go away for a week or two and sort out your mind. You might find that being alone is not that great and it might help you to appreciate what you have. Interfering in-laws are a pita but you can get that sorted easily enough. Everything is just getting on top of you at the moment and you think other women are more attractive than your wife, but that is just a novelty thought and not the real world. My advice to you would be to take a break away for a week or two and see how you feel when you come back. Best of Luck.

So he should stay with his wifebecause its better than being alone. Bit of a horrible thing to do. Maybe he should let her find a man who loves her and he should find a woman he loves. Why be with someone you have no interest in?

uck51js9zml2yt

OP made vows to his wife to love her even in the bad times. I'm not talking religion but of a promise made willingly to her.

Sometimes life gets tough but you chose to marry her and chose to have kids and now you just want to walk away from your responsibility.

You said you're wife is working at your marriage but admit you couldn't be bothered and yet you bemoan the state of your marriage. Its your own fault (sorry to be blunt).

Get to your GP and see if there's a medical reason for how you feel. you need to start working on your marriage. The alternative is to abandon the family you chose to have.

I'm married with a young child. I know how much work is involved.

Paddy Cow

confusedandreallydown wrote: »

here it goes.
for years we've been married. we have two lovely children under two. but lately i've realised i dont love my wife anymore. we're struggling financially and her parents do help out but they see this as buying their way into controlling our lives. we spoke about our marriage and agreed to work on it but it's just not working. i've been putting on an act to keep her happy. shes begged me to stay saying how much she loves me etc. but i've lost total interest.

If you don't love your wife, then you don't love her and nothing will change that. Putting on an act will only prolong the agony.

over the past while we've had child minders and looking at them has made me realise theres other women out there than just my wife.she has had a huge hold on me for years. shes the ones that wears the trousers so to speak. plus her family are telling her how to live her life. lets just say there was a big blow up recently when her mother let hersrlf into the house to meet the child minder. i nealy lost the plot when i found out. i told her mother a few truths and now shes saying she'll never come over here again. my wife doesn't care about her parents anymore, she just loves me and wants me never to leave her and the kids.

It comes across quite strongly in your post that you are resentful of your in laws over involvement in your life. I don't know what goes on in your life but it seems like you have fallen into a pattern where your wife gets her way (wearing the trousers so to speak) and you are willing to put up with that for the sake of a quite life but when your mother in law let herself in it was a step too far. While I can understand that, you losing the plot was only ever going to cause upset. While your MIL has no right to let herself into the house without prior consent (does she have a key because if she does she then she probably thought she was allowed and if she didn't, how did she get into the house?) you reacted badly by telling some "home truths", which she most likely saw as unprovoked nasty comments.

That you say that your wife doesn't care about her parents and only wants to keep you is very worrying. You seem like on the verge of leaving your wife, while her parents want to be part of her life. If you do leave your wife, then you should try and at least keep things amicable with the inlaws so that your wife has a support network when you leave.

i've joined lets just say other sites and i was browsing when i came across someone who looks exactly like our child minder. i was absolutely shocked but i dont know in what way.whether it's because shes looking for other men or the fact shes just on one of these sites. as i said she looks like our minder but i'm not 100% certain.

Without knowing what these "other sites" are, then we are in no position to judge. If they are just normal dating sites where your childminder is looking to meet someone, then it is absolutely none of your business. I have to ask, it you find it so appalling that this woman was on the site, then what were looking at if for? She is apparently a single, responsibility free (apart from her responsibilities as a nanny) woman but you are a married father.

my head is really messed up.maybe i'm coming down with depression.it looks that way. problem is i cant tell anyone in case my job finds out.
i honestly dont know what to do.

You do sound incredibly conused and you really need to sort your head out before you make decisions that don't just affect your life. At the beginning of your post you seemed to see the childminder as a reminder of other women, probably because you saw her in her "job" role, where she has to come across in a certain way. By the end of your post you were disappointed to find out that she was a member of sites that seem to deem "undesirable".

OP no woman is perfect. We all come with baggage. The wonderful childminder is just as flawed as your wife. You just don't know her well enough yet to see it. You don't even know if it was her on that dating site.

Ultimately none of us here can tell you how to live your life but I can tell you this, if you really don't love your wife, then you will be doing both yourselves a favour by breaking up. If it's a case that you are feeling suffocated by your inlaws, that can be resolved.

It sounds like a complicated and messy situation and I hope you can find the inner strength to resolve it. If you are struggling with depression, then go to your GP. There is no shame in talking about your feelings or taking a course of anti-depressents. Even a course of counseling can have a profound effect on your quality of life. Your GP won't judge and when/if you go to a counselor you will be able to discuss your situation fully in an environment where you can be totally honest and get an objective perspective on things.

LegacyUser

This is what you have told us in your post - your married to woman who wares the trousers in your relationship, you have two babies, you have financial troubles and you parents in law are helping you out money wise.
You have decided I don't like my life so I am going to look for another woman. You think your childminder is single. Even if she is single she will not get involved with you so don't make a fool of yourself.
At the moment you need to man up and realise that you have to move on with life and this includes your wife and children.
I would tell her that you are thankful that her parents are helping you out at the moment but you don't want you MIL in your house when neither of you are there.
I would ask your wife to go to marriage counselling with you as you both need help with with making your marriage work.
I would go to your doctors and see if you need anti depression tablets also.
Your are now in your early 40's so you must realise that it is time for you to grow up and work on improving the life you have rather than running away from the things you find tough.

December2012

Before you decide to end the family, both of you go for marriage counselling together and both of you be honest and open.

Both of you need to pull together and change.

Emme

It sounds like the OP is having a mid-life crisis.

It would be different if you didn't have children, but you are being irresponsible and childish. Your wife is suffering just as much as you are. I hope you can work your way though this tough patch in your marriage and make it stronger.

Do you both work? Perhaps you should take a look at your finances and see if you would be worse off if one of you didn't work. If not then maybe one of you should care for the children and then there wouldn't be any need for a childminder for you to drool over.

Your mother-in-law might not be very nice, but she probably isn't a fool. That's why she wanted to see the childminder.

LegacyUser

Three Seasons wrote: »

So you are saying he should just stay with a woman he doesn't love, and even worse, let his wife be with a man who doesn't have any interest in her. Just do this until they die??

No one should stay in a marriage if they are unhappy but the OP owes it to himself, his wife and his children to make a genuine 100% effort to fix their relationship before giving up on it. From his post he claims they agreed to work on their relationship but then admits he is just putting on an act. He claims his wifes family are pushing their way into their lives but then claims his wife stated she would choose him over her family. It sounds like the OP has got himself in a rut, money worries and having two kids under two are causing stress and rather then make the effort to deal with things he is opted to put the blame for everything on his wife and has built up this fantasy around the childminder.

OP grow up, your a husband and a father no one tricked or badgered you into these roles. Make a genuine commitment to work on your marriage and if you still want to end the relationship after that then do so but do so as an adult not a sulking child. Don't think you can leave you wife and kids to try and live out this fantasy you have with the child minder and think you can just walk back into your marriage when you find reality not matching your fantasy.

Merkin

You sound like you've lost a grip on reality from your post. You also list a whole host of issues and seem to be all over the place.

Above all else I think you should get yourself to a GP as a matter or urgency and discuss your symptoms/thought processes. There is help out there.

MeadowLane

What ever you do, don't email the childminder look a like, just in case it is her. If you feel the need to get laid just pick someone else from the site. Seriously don't mix real life with just for fun sex life. You are asking for trouble, just think how it could all turn around and bite you on the ass, you don't want that kind of stuff aired out in Family Court, should it come to that.