Mother driving me insane

LegacyUser

My mother was always an alcoholic. She only recently accepted she was and has been getting help for the past 2 months. She was always big on respecting your parents and all they do for you, i think this was because she was adopted. I always tried my best to do this to my best.

For the last few years i found myself losing respect for her, gradually. She was an alcoholic, a functioning one though. Since she was still able to function she never thought she was doing any wrong. She would always make fun of the local alcoholics, we used to own a family pub. She would always think less of the old people drinking at 11 in the day, or the woman drinking the pint of bitter, never understood why because she was doing the same herself only with the most expensive vodka the cheap stuff wasnt good enough for.

Im 18 by the way and still live full time at home doing a PLC course hoping to go to college next year.

Since she got help her moods have been way up and down, you never knew if it safe to ask her if she wanted coffee or to even enter a room she was in. Today, she blamed me for the bottom of the bag of bottles giving way and all the glass breaking on the ground. I shouted at her no it wasnt my fault, dont blame me for it when it is in no way my fault. I left the room as i didnt want the situation to get worse. After an hour i came back and said sorry. She said "im your mother dont you dare talk to me like that im the boss of this house i can leave you at the top of that lane".

The part of her being the boss annoyed me a lot, because iv been giving my parents a lot of money which i received after an accident as a child. The money is mine and iv always been told i can do what i want with it. I gave up the chance to go on a lads holiday both this year and last year so they could keep the house going, as my father is out of work now. They owe me nearly 15k at this moment, but i never hold it over them or even mention it.

Since my respect for her has been next to zero for a long time, and the threat of being thrown out even though iv kept the house going for nearly 9 months now, i dont know what to do next. Im afraid to say anything to her because i dont want to upset her and put back on the bottle, but should i really have to put up with this when she should be a little bit more grateful to me ?

Any advice, response or feedback is greatly appreciated and thanks for reading and helping

afterglow

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

My mother was always an alcoholic. She only recently accepted she was and has been getting help for the past 2 months. She was always big on respecting your parents and all they do for you, i think this was because she was adopted. I always tried my best to do this to my best.

For the last few years i found myself losing respect for her, gradually. She was an alcoholic, a functioning one though. Since she was still able to function she never thought she was doing any wrong. She would always make fun of the local alcoholics, we used to own a family pub. She would always think less of the old people drinking at 11 in the day, or the woman drinking the pint of bitter, never understood why because she was doing the same herself only with the most expensive vodka the cheap stuff wasnt good enough for.

Im 18 by the way and still live full time at home doing a PLC course hoping to go to college next year.

Since she got help her moods have been way up and down, you never knew if it safe to ask her if she wanted coffee or to even enter a room she was in. Today, she blamed me for the bottom of the bag of bottles giving way and all the glass breaking on the ground. I shouted at her no it wasnt my fault, dont blame me for it when it is in no way my fault. I left the room as i didnt want the situation to get worse. After an hour i came back and said sorry. She said "im your mother dont you dare talk to me like that im the boss of this house i can leave you at the top of that lane".

The part of her being the boss annoyed me a lot, because iv been giving my parents a lot of money which i received after an accident as a child. The money is mine and iv always been told i can do what i want with it. I gave up the chance to go on a lads holiday both this year and last year so they could keep the house going, as my father is out of work now. They owe me nearly 15k at this moment, but i never hold it over them or even mention it.

Since my respect for her has been next to zero for a long time, and the threat of being thrown out even though iv kept the house going for nearly 9 months now, i dont know what to do next. Im afraid to say anything to her because i dont want to upset her and put back on the bottle, but should i really have to put up with this when she should be a little bit more grateful to me ?

Any advice, response or feedback is greatly appreciated and thanks for reading and helping

Hi dontknowwhattodo
Firstly I am sorry this is happening to you, and at the hands of your own parents two, it is really awful, and you certainly deserve so much better than what you currently have

From the time I was 16 and started receiving disability allowance, my parents took half, and up to 2 years ago when I moved out that was still the way it was. I should add also that I paid this ridiculous ammount of money to them to share a very small room with another sibling of mine. I really do know what it's like to be taken advantage of.
I think you should definitely go to college next year if you can, and think its terrible what you are being put through by your mum. Just because she is/was a functioning alcoholic doesn't make her addiction any less real, but I am sure you know that. I grew up also in a home with a functioning alcoholic so know first hand the disfunction that brings to a childhood, so I really feel for you, and admire you for keeping going the way you are and doing what your doing.
The last thing that I want to say here is that even if you moved out, asked for the money or did anything else which you are perfectly entitled to do, it would not, and I mean would not, be your fault, ever, if your mum went back to drinking, so please stop thinking that it would be. This is not a constructive way for you to think at all, and could hold you back from doing things which you want to do in future. If you are finding this thought pattern difficult to let go of, then I would suggest talking to someone. I know you are still very young, and it is perhaps not something you would think of, but I attended a counsellor at your age and I can say without reservation that it was the best thing I ever did. It has created even to this day, so much more self awareness for me. I am sure it would do the same for you two.
I really wish you the best of luck, what you are going through currently is not easy at all, but do keep your chin up as you seem like a fantastic and bright young man, who has a great head on your shoulders in spite of everything you have and are going through. Remember that when days get tough and please know you won't always be in the disfunctional situation you find yourself in presently
Very best of luck to you

Ando's Saggy Bottom

You should consider Al Anon OP. They can help the people like you close to alcoholics deal with bring caught in the crossfire.

miamee

OP sorry to read all that. Your mother's alcoholism is not your fault and if she ever goes back to drinking, the responsibility and choice to do that would be hers alone regardless of any circumstances surrounding it.

About the money situation, it sounds like you have a regular income from this. Please start looking after yourself financially and start saving some of this money for college and possibly to move out when you can. You can still help out your parents with money, maybe just not as much. You are too young to be subsidising a struggling business, it is up to your parents to keep it going while you focus on your education and future.

Best of luck OP

Neyite

Am I right in thinking that you were able to access your compensation since you turned 18? and in less than a year, you have handed over €15k?

Do you have existing disability or mobility issues arising from the accident you suffered as a child that prevent you from moving out to a flat/house share with people around your own age?

If your answers are "yes" and "no" to both of those, I would suggest to you to firstly go to Al Anon to educate yourself about alcoholism. Its your mothers responsibility, not yours. Your actions will not drive her back to drink, but she may manipulate you by engineering fights that "allow" her to storm off and have a drink for the stress of it. Fact is, if your mother wasnt guzzling expensive vodka all the time, the family finances would be in much better shape.

Secondly, I'd suggest that you move out to a house share and start enjoying your life a little. You can always cite that its easier to commute to your course and visit home often, but you wont be subject to verbal abuse and threats to leave you homeless -if it kicks off, you can leave and go to your own space.

You are 18. An adult, and I suspect due to your mothers alcoholism, have had to be mature beyond your years for some time now, so would be well able to leave home. Dont feel obliged to stay. Like I said, you can visit often, and help out with household tasks when you do, but I suspect that if you stay, your compensation money will have melted away before your 21st birthday if not before.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Am I right in thinking that you were able to access your compensation since you turned 18? and in less than a year, you have handed over €15k?

Do you have existing disability or mobility issues arising from the accident you suffered as a child that prevent you from moving out to a flat/house share with people around your own age?

If your answers are "yes" and "no" to both of those, I would suggest to you to firstly go to Al Anon to educate yourself about alcoholism. Its your mothers responsibility, not yours. Your actions will not drive her back to drink, but she may manipulate you by engineering fights that "allow" her to storm off and have a drink for the stress of it. Fact is, if your mother wasnt guzzling expensive vodka all the time, the family finances would be in much better shape.

Secondly, I'd suggest that you move out to a house share and start enjoying your life a little. You can always cite that its easier to commute to your course and visit home often, but you wont be subject to verbal abuse and threats to leave you homeless -if it kicks off, you can leave and go to your own space.

You are 18. An adult, and I suspect due to your mothers alcoholism, have had to be mature beyond your years for some time now, so would be well able to leave home. Dont feel obliged to stay. Like I said, you can visit often, and help out with household tasks when you do, but I suspect that if you stay, your compensation money will have melted away before your 21st birthday if not before.

The money was awarded after an accident when i was 8, with no lasting disability. Didn't cause any financial hardship at the time, all costs were recovered from other side so it's not like I owe them anything because of that.

Im will be going to Dublin next year. Mother wonders why i said im not going to come home every weekend like all the other people.

Iv thought about leaving home, but i live in a rural county, since i havent had access to any of my money i havent been able to get a full license and am stuck.

Thanks to everyone who replied

OP, I have edited out your current location - along with the nature of your accident, as it may make you identifiable.

Kosseegan

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

The money was awarded after an accident when i was 8, with no lasting disability. Didn't cause any financial hardship at the time, all costs were recovered from other side so it's not like I owe them anything because of that.

Im will be going to Dublin next year. Mother wonders why i said im not going to come home every weekend like all the other people.

Iv thought about leaving home, but i live in a rural county, since i havent had access to any of my money i havent been able to get a full license and am stuck.

Thanks to everyone who replied

OP, I have edited out your current location - along with the nature of your accident, as it may make you identifiable.

IF you haven't been able to access your own money, how did you hand over 15K?

Alcoholics are very manipulative so your mother may have been giving you guilt trips.