I should be over this

LegacyUser

Hey all

Well, I'm having an awful problem getting over an ex. We were together for almost four years, and I've never met somebody that I loved so much. I never really believed in love at first sight, but I remember leaving the bar I met him in on the first night and telling my friends "I think I'm in trouble here", because I fell for him so badly.

He ticked all the boxes, but we had one disagreement between the two of us (which I'm not going to go into), but which, ultimately, led to the end of the relationship. I'm the one who suggested a break because we were arguing a lot about this thing - but he told me that it was either staying together or breaking up. We broke up.

This was about eight months ago, and I've done the heartbreak and the single thing. I went through some amount of hurt, but then I started going out and meeting new people - which is great! I've met lots of guys, but none that I want to be in a relationship with - which is fine; I'm sure I'll meet the right one in time.

But, today, I was going out to a friend's new house and took the same bus that I use to take when I was going over to him. It brought back floods of memories and all I could think of is where I use to get off to meet him, how much I use to look forward to seeing him, how great it was when I got off the bus and we'd go straight into each others arms for a hug and a kiss. It really upset me.

I just can't believe I'm still not over this. I don't want to be that person who needs a new relationship to overcome the last one, but I'm still feeling such a void. Like I said, I do love being single and I'm having so much fun - but, fun isn't the same as cuddling somebody you love in the night and morning. And fun isn't knowing you have somebody that you can trust completely and talk to about anything. Fun isn't love.

I know that, if we were to get back together, the same issue would raise its head, and we probably wouldn't work.

I'm just wondering if it's normal to still be missing somebody so badly after such a long time.

fussyonion

There is no set time for someone to be "over" a relationship and despite people telling you "you'll be over it soon", there is no way of knowing when this time will be.

For some people, it could be a month, two months, a year, two years.
It all depends on you and how you felt about this person.
It's like when someone you love dies and you may react to it in different ways.

I know a woman who recently lost her husband and they'd been married 40 years.
Since he died, she's appeared to be upbeat and happy and getting on with day to day life, but I know deep down she is heartbroken.

Other people in her situation will probably be bawling their eyes out morning noon and night, but we're all different.

You're not wrong to still feel the way you do after four years.
You're grieving for the end of a relationship; you obviously loved this guy and he meant a lot to you.
Of course, driving by his house or hearing a song that reminds you of him is going to be poignant, but it IS true what people say..time really does make things better.

I guarantee in four years from now, you'll have a different outlook on life.
I'm not being a hypocrite by saying that...sure you may very well still have feelings for this guy in 4 years but your life will have changed and you'll have other things to focus on.
What I will say to you is, don't get fixated on your ex.

I know a girl who split up with a guy a year ago and they have a son together.
He is over her, but she can't let go and virtually stalks him on Facebook, turns up at his place of work, regularly calls her friends to cry about him, and although everyone feels for her, she borders on the stalker type.

Don't let your feelings for your ex overwhelm your life to the point where he's all you can think about.
Go out and meet new people, take up a hobby or just have a girly night in with friends, maybe once a week, and have FUN.

This guy obviously meant an awful lot to you, but fate dictated he wasn't meant for you.

Your Mr.Right is out there, you just gotta go find him.

All the best x

Ando's Saggy Bottom

8 months isn't that long OP. It sounds to me like you are actually doing well most of the time, getting out to meet people and even meeting guys. You also sound like you have a healthy and realistic attitude in general. There's nothing wrong with getting down when you hear or see a place that reminds you of him. Perfectly normal IMO. There would be something wrong ignore it didn't. Keep doing what you're doing and it will fade in time. Be good to yourself too.

Goldenlady

OP, you are completely normal, 8 months is such a short time and you will feel like you are doing so well and then something will bring the memories flooding back and you feel like you are back at square one again. BUT remember you are not, you have come so far and as a newly single (Well 5 months out of an 8 year relationship) just keep enjoying your time, and those memories wont hurt as much as the time goes on.I am exactly like you, and I am great for ages and something will bring me back, but I know too that it wont work. And when I read your post it could have been me writing it, when I met him I fell in love straight away (not my style at all!) and I remember saying to my friends 8 years ago that he will break my heart - I loved him too much!
Keep the chin up, and you are doing great and each time you have memories of the good times, just think about why it would never work out
Good luck
xx