Nice guy finishing last again

Armaghmagic

Went on a date last night, was our 2nd date in fact.

All went on really well and even met her friends after the gig we were at and got on well with them. Was a gentleman the whole night and left her home after where we kissed before I hit the road.

I asked before I left if I would see her again and she said no because "I wear my heart on my sleeve and she doesnt want to hurt me" even though im the "nicest guy she ever met" and admitted she could easily "take things further" and be "head over heels" for me.

Do women not like nice men anymore? I think I have a lot to offer and ive been on a fair few dates so its getting me down how ive been single for the last 2 years!

AnonymousM83

Armaghmagic wrote: »

Went on a date last night, was our 2nd date in fact.

All went on really well and even met her friends after the gig we were at and got on well with them. Was a gentleman the whole night and left her home after where we kissed before I hit the road.

I asked before I left if I would see her again and she said no because "I wear my heart on my sleeve and she doesnt want to hurt me" even though im the "nicest guy she ever met" and admitted she could easily "take things further" and be "head over heels" for me.

Do women not like nice men anymore? I think I have a lot to offer and ive been on a fair few dates so its getting me down how ive been single for the last 2 years!

I am/was in the same boat as you myself. I recently met a really nice girl. We went on a few dates, kissed, she said she really liked spending time with me. Then she just went cold. She had told me about boyfriends she had in the past and they all seemed like jerks. I, a nice guy, then come along and she just decides to blow me off.

Like you, I too have been on a fair few dates and it too is getting me down. I just don't know if girls actually don't want nice guys or as I hope, we just are having poor luck meeting the right girls and it's just a matter of time until we do. A numbers game if you will :-)

Standman

She just wasn't that into you. It happens and is not necessarily a bad reflection on you. Sometimes someone you go out with is really nice but you just aren't attracted to them in that way. Keep the chin up and continue your search!

RubyRoss

It's not about 'nice guys finishing last' where ever that phrase came from. The chemistry just wasn't there for you too that's all.

Lots of women also feel that despite being perfectly nice they get sidelined by slightly bitchy women. It's just a perception though. We don't go out with people just because they are 'nice'; we go out with people we are drawn to - if they are nice it's a bonus.

December2012

Ah don't be too down.

There was just no spark, it's not the end of the world.

Esoteric_

Women DO like 'nice' guys. Let's face it, any woman with sense doesn't actually seek out a man who she thinks will treat her like dirt. :pac:

Just wasn't the right one for you.

Since she said you wear your heart on your sleeve, I'm going to assume you were fairly open about how you felt things were going, or something along those lines?

That, combined with asking her at the end of the second date if you'd see her again makes me think that maybe you might be coming on a little too strong?

We do like to know where we stand, but honestly, I'd find it very awkward if a guy asked me 'so, will I get to see you again?' before I'd even gotten in the door from the second date, and I'd generally be a 'heart on my sleeve' person too.

I could be completely wrong in my assumptions/opinions, but it sounds like maybe you're being just a little bit too open too soon.

judgefudge

OP, she sounds like a headwreck. I'm a girl and I'm dating a very nice guy.

I'd say the chemistry just wasn't there for her. It's got nothing to do with women not liking nice guys, you just weren't compatible.

Armaghmagic

Thanks for the comments, very helpful.

Esoteric is probably right, might have come on a little too strong but I guess it felt right at the time....

Anyway I will continue to believe what I always have, in that there must be someone better out there for me :-)

ted1

Nice guys can be fake especially those who think they are and go out of there way. Most girls prefer guys who grow a pair and act like themselfs rather than someone they think a girl wants them to be.

dixiefly

ted1 wrote: »

Nice guys can be fake especially those who think they are and go out of there way. Most girls prefer guys who grow a pair and act like themselfs rather than someone they think a girl wants them to be.

Don't assume that nice guys cannot stand up for themselves. Let me assure you that myself and some other friends that would have treated women properly in the past would not have been found wanting when the situation required it.


OP, I was also told in the past that I was "too nice". I thought to myself " what the f*ck !!" and moved on after she split with me. I think some women (and men) have different criteria at different stages of their lives. I am also certain that many of both sexes regret these choices years later.

This site and others are littered with posts from women that are treated badly by their men. Some think that they can change them but few do.

To the Op, dust yourself down, move on and be happy that you are not going to invest more time and effort into someone that doesn't appreciate you. That's her choice of course but at least you know where ou stand.

LegacyUser

yeah mate woman always cry about not meeting good blokes but when one comes along they are never into them. I grew up in an abusive house were I witnessed my dad beat my mother every weekend. It took her 18 years of abuse before she left him. The only good thing to come out of it was I grew a big respect for women and the BS they have to go through and what did I get out of it. A life of being single and a life cursed to always fall for woman who would rather go out with the player who cheats and treats them like crap. I think its time we stop being the nice guys and show women that its very easy to be the jerk they all seem to love. Don't take it personally mate, its her loss not yours.

Armaghmagic

Think you hit the nail on the head there Dixie.

I sort of wanted to say to her that she may regret it but I would be sounding big headed and also she wouldnt pay any attention to it anyway.

I would have been just speaking from experience, I was with a girl who was so so nice and I left her as I thought I could do better and keep regretting losing the best thing that ever happened to me.

A lot to be said for someone likes some comfort rathar than excitment the odd time.....I learned that the hard way

Big Bag of Chips

People use all sorts of lines and reasons when letting someone else down. All just a different variation of "it's not you, it's me". Because most people want to do it gently and cause no offense.

But the underlying reason is always the same.. she just didn't click with you. Not her fault, not your fault.. it just wasn't there this time.

2rkehij30qtza5

Standman wrote: »

She just wasn't that into you. It happens and is not necessarily a bad reflection on you. Sometimes someone you go out with is really nice but you just aren't attracted to them in that way. Keep the chin up and continue your search!

This is true. Unfortunately just a case of 'not that into you'.

PingO_O

Shaun Deep Schoolmaster wrote: »

This is true. Unfortunately just a case of 'not that into you'.

Have to agree but don't let it get you down op this happens to almost everyone at some stage.Try to get out of this nice guy finishing last frame of mind because its not true and you'll start to get bitter.

She was honest and it doesn't look like she planned on stringing you along so don't hang around for her, on to the next one.

Katgurl

I'm actually really annoyed by this thread. She wasn't feeling it with you for whatever reason but when she told you she didn't want to see you again she complimented something about you.

Then her selection process is under criticism?

There could be any number of reasons she doesn't want to be with you. And possibly because she thinks you're a nice bloke and clearly into her she doesn't want to string you along unintentionally hurting you while seeing can she make it work.

Most girls do like nice blokes. But the niceness needs to come hand in hand with a connection, attraction, happiness, fun, laughter etc

And I wouldn't be categorising guys into nice and not nice so easily either.

I ended things with a friend I'd begun seeing end of last year. I told him straight I wasn't feeling it, didn't want to string him along and was not over my ex. A few weeks later he erupted when he saw me talking briefly to said ex and told me he didn't like the ex or me talking to him.

The truth was there was a litany of reasons I ended things; lack of chemistry, feeling of being suffocated, concern about him being possessive, pressure. And as for the ex, he'd never spoken to him and knew nothing about the circumstances of breakup.

But yet, like you, jumping to conclusions and also patronised me implying I couldn't make decisions for myself. I'm glad you didn't tell her she would regret it, I don't know how how feel qualified to make that judgement. We all have to put ourselves out there and suffer disappointments when the person we like doesn't feel the same - its not as simple as "ive decided I'm right for her and she's too shortsighted to see it".

LegacyUser

It's nothing to do with being nice, the girl just wasn't that into you. None of my mates where ever a$$hole's to their girlfriens/wives and they're still together, in fact the only one who was is single now.

My current girlfriend of 2 years thinks I'm the nicest bloke in the world and I could only ever treat her with the utmost respect, god help anyone who would ever disrespect her.

December2012

^^^* this!

Armaghmagic

She did say that she had just moved to Dublin for a job and wanted to focus on her career and doesnt want anything to get in the way.

If that is so why did she join an online dating site and why do I still see her online since the other night?

Heading out tonight with the lads so who knows what that could throw up :-P

Katgurl

Armaghmagic wrote: »

She did say that she had just moved to Dublin for a job and wanted to focus on her career and doesnt want anything to get in the way.

If that is so why did she join an online dating site and why do I still see her online since the other night?

Heading out tonight with the lads so who knows what that could throw up :-P

did you read any of the replies? She is clearly not into you, gave you a load of compliments and excuses to spare your feelings. You've only been on two dates, which YOU decided went well, you don't know how she felt but despite this, she doesn't owe you anything.

She is not obligated to date you because you would like her to or think she should.

Btw, you are the one who declared yourself a nice guy, at this stage you are becoming across bitter and self-entitled.

Meller

ted1 wrote: »

Nice guys can be fake especially those who think they are and go out of there way. Most girls prefer guys who grow a pair and act like themselfs rather than someone they think a girl wants them to be.

I agree. Often those who fit this 'nice guy' stereotype (or nice girl, even) lack a lot of appealing characteristics that people ignore. It's not all about being 'nice' - there's also things like being honest, brave, mature, loyal, interesting, confident, funny, ambitious etc.

Remember that it's very easy to appear nice at first. It's not something I look for in a person - be it a friend or romantic interest.

Personally, I've often found that many so-called 'nice' people are those people-pleasers that avoid confrontation at all costs, don't get involved in anything that's inconvenient for them and are actually bad, disloyal friends who can't be relied on and would never stand up for you. They're too busy sitting on the fence, desperately trying not to offend anyone and live up to their 'nice' image, rather than being themselves. I find this really unattractive!

Three Seasons

Armaghmagic wrote: »

She did say that she had just moved to Dublin for a job and wanted to focus on her career and doesnt want anything to get in the way.

If that is so why did she join an online dating site and why do I still see her online since the other night?

Heading out tonight with the lads so who knows what that could throw up :-P

She doesn't like you, she does not fancy you, she is not attracted to you. If she were these excuses wouldn't matter.

Three Seasons

Katgurl wrote: »

did you read any of the replies? She is clearly not into you, gave you a load of compliments and excuses to spare your feelings. You've only been on two dates, which YOU decided went well, you don't know how she felt but despite this, she doesn't owe you anything.

She is not obligated to date you because you would like her to or think she should.

Btw, you are the one who declared yourself a nice guy, at this stage you are becoming across bitter and self-entitled.

I have to agree with this OP, I get the vibe that you are nice out of a need to be liked by other people.

Just be yourself OP.

beano345

Meller wrote: »

I agree. Often those who fit this 'nice guy' stereotype (or nice girl, even) lack a lot of appealing characteristics that people ignore. It's not all about being 'nice' - there's also things like being honest, brave, mature, loyal, interesting, confident, funny, ambitious etc.

Remember that it's very easy to appear nice at first. It's not something I look for in a person - be it a friend or romantic interest.

Personally, I've often found that many so-called 'nice' people are those people-pleasers that avoid confrontation at all costs, don't get involved in anything that's inconvenient for them and are actually bad, disloyal friends who can't be relied on and would never stand up for you. They're too busy sitting on the fence, desperately trying not to offend anyone and live up to their 'nice' image, rather than being themselves. I find this really unattractive!

everyone puts on a face or there best foot forward when they meet someone! whats the alternative show them your worst! op jog on man let her find her mark in life! my only advice would probably be dont play your cards so soon in future its no challenge!

WittyKitty1

I love nice guys! They're the best:)

I wouldn't take what she said to heart. There was probably just no 'spark' as other people have said.

wearing your heart on your sleeve might not be right for her, but another girl might love that about you, if in fact that is what you did.

I wouldn't worry too much. Just take it in your stride and move on.

Faith

Katgurl wrote: »

I'm actually really annoyed by this thread. She wasn't feeling it with you for whatever reason but when she told you she didn't want to see you again she complimented something about you.

Then her selection process is under criticism?

There could be any number of reasons she doesn't want to be with you. And possibly because she thinks you're a nice bloke and clearly into her she doesn't want to string you along unintentionally hurting you while seeing can she make it work.

Most girls do like nice blokes. But the niceness needs to come hand in hand with a connection, attraction, happiness, fun, laughter etc

And I wouldn't be categorising guys into nice and not nice so easily either.

I ended things with a friend I'd begun seeing end of last year. I told him straight I wasn't feeling it, didn't want to string him along and was not over my ex. A few weeks later he erupted when he saw me talking briefly to said ex and told me he didn't like the ex or me talking to him.

The truth was there was a litany of reasons I ended things; lack of chemistry, feeling of being suffocated, concern about him being possessive, pressure. And as for the ex, he'd never spoken to him and knew nothing about the circumstances of breakup.

But yet, like you, jumping to conclusions and also patronised me implying I couldn't make decisions for myself. I'm glad you didn't tell her she would regret it, I don't know how how feel qualified to make that judgement. We all have to put ourselves out there and suffer disappointments when the person we like doesn't feel the same - its not as simple as "ive decided I'm right for her and she's too shortsighted to see it".

Thank god you posted this. I was pretty flabbergasted reading the thread until your post, especially the post claiming the girl "sounds like a headwreck"!

Claiming she'll regret finishing with you does not make you a nice guy, btw.

beano345

Faith wrote: »

Thank god you posted this. I was pretty flabbergasted reading the thread until your post, especially the post claiming the girl "sounds like a headwreck"!

Claiming she'll regret finishing with you does not make you a nice guy, btw.

that depends, sometimes the penny drops!

RubyRoss

ted1 wrote: »

Nice guys can be fake especially those who think they are and go out of there way.

Thankfully, most people are nice. But then there are people who go out of their way to be considered 'nice guys' or 'nice girls'. Many of these people are over compensating for something else.

I went out a stereotypical 'nice guy' who was extremely insecure and defensive. This led him to be very demanding and in truth, he wasn't all that nice. Yet, he still feels sorry for himself as a 'nice guy' cruelly jilted by a mean girl.

beano345

RubyRoss wrote: »

Thankfully, most people are nice. But then there are people who go out of their way to be considered 'nice guys' or 'nice girls'. Many of these people are over compensating for something else.

I went out a stereotypical 'nice guy' who was extremely insecure and defensive. This led him to be very demanding and in truth, he wasn't all that nice. Yet, he still feels sorry for himself as a 'nice guy' cruelly jilted by a mean girl.

what exactly do you want?at least some people make the effort, do you want to be whinging and ghouling down the phone to one of your friends about how "head wrecking" your boyfriend is?or on boards,is it a balance? ill treat you good today s**t tommorow? sorry for for going off topic here but i think this is the crux of the matter

blatantrereg

She ditched you because you were coming on too strong. It's very off-putting when someone comes on too strong right away. She was straightforward about it. I'm sure she does like nice guys, and she never suggested she didn't.

People who wear their hearts on their sleeves tend to govern their emotions poorly. The result is that even if they might be the nicest people you can meet while they're feeling well-disposed towards you, they also often behave terribly if things don't go their way. The whole "nice guys finish last" thing bugs the crap out of me because it's utter bollocks, most often touted by cowards and tantrum throwers.

On that note, it's as cowardly to lose your temper as it is to retreat. Courage is self-control.

Stavro Mueller

Armaghmagic wrote: »

She did say that she had just moved to Dublin for a job and wanted to focus on her career and doesnt want anything to get in the way.

If that is so why did she join an online dating site and why do I still see her online since the other night?

Heading out tonight with the lads so who knows what that could throw up :-P

Your mistake is that you're taking what she said at face value. People tell all sorts of (white) lies at times like these. To be fair, I think she went a bit overboard by saying she could easily take things further and fall head over heels with you.

Armaghmagic

Thanks for all the feedback.....in fairness no she never said she isnt into nice guys and im not saying I dont have my bad parts either.

Of course I wouldnt say she will regret it as I doubt she will, I just wasnt for her.

I appreciate that what she was saying was all bull to save face and spare my feelings.

I guess she was probably right about wearing mu heart on my sleeve but about me coming on too strong, it was her who brought me to meet her work friends after our date.

Anyway back on the shelf for the time being, whats for me wont pass me by I guess :-)

RossFixxxed

Any time I see someone saying they are a 'nice guy' or women don't like 'nice guys' I can be sure that is followed by bitterness and entitlement. It's crazy at this point. Women like different things, and being decent and sound is often a good quality.

There's being a nice guy
And then there's http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Nice_guy_syndrome being a 'nice guy'.

You are slipping into the latter.

Rejections sucks, but she doesn't owe you a thing, she's just not interested. Onwards and upwards to the next one!

wandatowell

I dont buy into this nice guy/bad guy talk myself.

You're not a nice guy, you are just a normal guy.


She on the other hand is an idiot who I think doesnt know what she wants.


You are better off without her pal

Mighty_Mouse

IMO....
It's not the niceness, it's the attitude that comes with it.
Some guys meet a girl and treat her like she is some alien pet monkey which depends on kindness for survival.

So you put a smile on your face, tip your hat, open doors, overdo the compliments, pay for everything,fly flowers in from timbukto, ..........whatever.....

How can you get to know someone if all you do is "perform"?

Put getting to know her as central, and all the other "niceness" just compliments the process.

BraziliaNZ

She just doesn't want to bang you man. Simples. Move on.

Glad that others have mentioned 'Nice Guy Syndrome'. It's funny, any guy I've ever met who described himself as a nice guy has been anything but. It's a weird self-obsessed, entitled attitude whereby the man thinks that the woman owes him something for being 'nice'. You go on a date with a woman and because you bring flowers and pay the bill and compliment her, that makes you a 'nice guy' and she should want to date you and if she doesn't she's an idiot. Life doesn't work like that. If she's not attracted to you, she's not attracted to you. It doesn't make her a headwreck, it doesn't mean she's into jerks and it most definitely doesn't mean she somehow owes you something.

I'm a woman and if I went out on date with a guy and he told me I was a nice person but he didn't want a relationship, I'd just accept that we hadn't clicked. I wouldn't think, 'well that's what I get for being too nice, I should be more of a b*tch because men always like b*tches! He'll regret it in future!'

'Nice guys finish last' is a line which is almost always used by men with a martyr complex who are angry and bitter about being rejected. It's almost always followed up with a generalisation about how women like tossers, as if all women on earth are the same. It's incredibly offensive and misogynistic and if I hear a man utter those words, all respect for him goes out of the window. A tip for the future, OP, try to get out of this mindset. It's incredibly unattractive and far more obvious than you think.

Brego888

As a man, when I hear other mean trot out this nice guys finish last crap it really makes me cringe. It's absolute nonsense!
When a male or female break up with someone to cushion the blow they generally slip in "look you're a really nice guy/girl but....."
But this doesn't mean you are too nice it just means they don't see a future with you.

To blame women for this nice guy problem is bull. To be clichéd it's loser talk. Grow a pair of balls, dust yourself off and get back out there.

Giblet

Bending over backwards to be nice probably gets in the way of a personality. Being nice isn't enough, and can't be used as blackmail. "But I'm nice" and being bitter that she must like pricks instead of you is actually not nice at all. I tend to find guys who rely on the nice guy routine, can be quite vindictive if things don't go their way. It's subtle manipulation in some cases. She didn't like you being nice, because you felt the need to highlight that that's what you were doing either directly or indirectly (posting here saying you were a nice guy proves that), rather than it being a symptom of your personality.

cantdecide

@OP: You shouldn't crawl on broken glass for people you've just met and you shouldn't let them believe you would. IME, demonstrating an over willingness to please is a big turn off and will be viewed with cynicism. You don't have to treat someone badly in order to demonstrate that you're independent and you reserve some of yourself just for people that have earned your trust and esteem.

In future just remember to be a little Fonzie. Cool your jets. Be a little mysterious. Let her discover who you are for herself rather than broadcasting what you believe she should value.

Legs.Eleven

wandatowell wrote: »

I dont buy into this nice guy/bad guy talk myself.

You're not a nice guy, you are just a normal guy.


She on the other hand is an idiot who I think doesnt know what she wants

Sounds like she knows exactly what she wants. I think she was trying to be nice by telling a bit of white lie to spare your feelings but was up front telling you she didn't want to meet again. I respect her for that. Plenty of people faff about and lead the other person on. She didn't do that.


Everything Joanna Calm Testosterone said is 100% correct. Not every guy I've liked has been interested in me but I'd never put it down to the fact that I'm too nice, I'd put it down to the fact that they simply don't see me that way.

Take it with a bit of dignity OP instead of putting the blame on her. She did nothing wrong.

trishamcm

Why wud she all those things? Head wreck, your well rid. If she doesnt like ya for who you are then she isnt worth it.