Getting over past money issues - how?

LegacyUser

Myself & my partner moved in together at a time when I earned a lot more money than they did. I was by no means well off but because of the nature of their job they were on a little under a grand a month. For the first 2.5 years we lived together I paid for all of our major expenses, including rent. The last year was quite bad as we had moved to somewhere new which was a lot more expensive than our old home & my partner broke an agreement to pay a (very small) contribution to our rent which would have made the difference between my just about being able to afford to cover my share and being in a really bad place financially. They also mainly stopped contributing towards/remembering bills that year. No matter how many times I asked, and on one memorable occasion had a bit of a breakdown over the whole thing, things did not get better until late last year when they entered more regular employment. All should be good now except for 2 things,

I find myself very, very angry that they put me in the position that they did (even though I didn't have the spine to say it to them properly when it was happening because I was afraid of hurting them & they really were on a restricted income) & I can't say it to them now. It's too late and it's too petty. I just want to get over it but can't seem to.

Secondly I am hugely tense about money if there's even the slighted suspicion that they aren't going to pay their 'share' of things. I think they are too used to me being the person who pays because they tend to do things like forget that I've paid for 2 very expensive taxis in a row or that they borrowed 50 quid from me because they forgot to go to the ATM etc. I'd like to think that at some stage we'll get to the point that I won't care who pays for what but I don't think we can until we've had a year or two where we contribute equally. Not down to silly things like splitting dinner 50/50 etc. but just things like my partner remembering to have their share of a bill when bills are due and not relying on me to cover it and be paid back. I'm just 'delicate' about money stuff at the moment & I don't want to be but I guess I need to see for myself that my partner can & will pay their own way. It might be different if I was loaded but I'm just about getting by at the moment and when they leave me to pay for things so often it can mess up my budget for the month.

So 2 questions - how do I (and I can be kind of obsessive about past slights) draw a line under the 50% deserved, 50% I should have just said something at the time feelings of anger about the past and move on? My partner is a seriously good sort & I love them. They aren't out to get me or take advantage of me. They may not have acted as they should have previously & are generally a bit poor with money but it didn't work out badly in the end & I need to move on from feeling so hurt and so ragey over the whole thing.

and 2, how do I make sure we pay for stuff as evenly between us as possible and say it to my partner without coming across like a miser?

Neyite

Maybe start with the household expenditure and take it from there?

Just suggest that now that you are both earning you should get your bills in order - tot up what is needed for all the bills and rent, then agree each to transfer half of that plus a little extra for unexpected household purchases into a joint account. You can even add holiday savings, or car expenses if you share one to it.

Once that is ticking along nicely, you may find that your frustration towards the previous situation might lessen, but if not, you need to speak up in an assertive way - "can you get this taxi, as I got the last one?" "do you happen to have that €50 I lent you, because I'm a bit stuck for it this week" etc. But saying nothing is the worst thing you can do.