should I tell my mum or not?

afterglow

Hi everyone
Hope this issue not two trivial to post here.

Bit of background first.

I'm totally blind, live with my wonderful partner of nearly 5 years for the last two now.
I am on waiting list for guide dog, had visit from them in january which went acceptionally well!!!!!!!
I have had 2 dogs in the past not work to full term, one because family were feeding it, other for reasons I won't go into here, but that particular gdog was withdrawn from service.
Now, with guide dogs full support, I went back on the waiting list in January, and assumed I would be waiting quite some time as they told me they were looking for a very specific type of dog for me etc.
I had no problem with this, as this is my last attempt, so was willing to wait as long as it took them to find the right dog to ensure that we would have the best possible chance of working well as a team(me and the dog that is)
Yesterday then, I get a call, telling me that there is a possibility of a match. I am going on Monday and am very excited, as it is the same person that did my assessment that thinks she may have a dog for me. She is amazing at what she does, and a dog from her would be fantastic for lots of reasons.
Sounds great, doesn't it....?
Well now the reason for this post.
A few weeks ago when I was going to get a medical form filled out which is part of the application process, my mum drove me and during the course of the drive to doctor's, proceeded to tell me that she thinks I am making a huge mistake in trying for a 3rd dog. I tried to explain to her that it is completely impossible for her to understand the freedom that a guide dog gives me, satisfaction that comes from working as part of a guide dog team etc. She said I WAS ONLY GETTING THE DOG FOR SOMETHING TO DO, WHICH IS COMPLETE AND UTTER NONSENSE!!!!!!!!!!
I am getting the dog for greater independence. I am okay using my white cane which I use to get about at the moment, but don't enjoy being out and about with it the same way I do with a dog. I cannot put into words here how free you feel when you are walking with a dog in harnus who is avoiding obsticles for you, and you are working well together as a team, there is just no other feeling like that. Add to this the bond/companionship that comes with the relationship and you have something very special, beautiful, and unique indeed.
I just cannot decide whether to tell my mum or not. Last time we talked about this it did not end well at all so really at a loss as to what to do now. should I just bite the bullet or wait till after match visit and see what happens? In our last argument about my choice to get another dog, she said that some of the reason why she was so upset was that I didn't tell her right from the beginning that I was applying. My feeling in my own head is that I am now 26 and living out of home, and I knew she would'nt approve so din't tell her, but I should'nt have to tell her everything I do at this stage should I, or am I wrong here?
I think some of the reason why my mum still expects to be told everything is because she was always so used to being involved in every little part of my life up to a few years ago, but now when it suits them they don't even help so I kind of feel justified in thinking how I do, but I am on here to get some advice, so all feedback/advice/opinions welcome

LegacyUser

I would not tell her after what she said to you - that you were only getting a dog for something to do.
I could understand she might not be happy if a big dog was moving into her home without you asking her if this was ok but the fact is that you are not living at home any longer.
At the moment you have yet to meet this dog and find out if this dog will work well for you.
You can tell her once you know you are getting this dog.
Also at 26 you want to have as much independence as possible and you mother might be finding this hard to deal with as she was very involved in your life up to recently.

December2012

Hello,

Let me start by saying I don't have any experience of blindness / sight loss so please forgive me if I say something medically wrong.

However I am a mother, to toddlers mind but the thing is that as old and grown up as they be I will always worry, I will always be concerned and they will always be my babies, even at 26!

Getting a guide dog seems to be a big part of your life so I can see why your mother would want to at least know. However you want one, she thinks its a bad idea so I can see why you don't want to tell her.

Go ahead with your guide dog decision anyway, you know your motive.

What are your mothers motives for her opinion?

Do you live with your mother?
Does she think the dog will be work for her?
Will the mistakes of the past be repeated and how did these mistakes affect you, her, and others?
Is she afraid of you having more independence - does she think her position in your life is under threat?

afterglow

December2012 wrote: »

Hello,

Let me start by saying I don't have any experience of blindness / sight loss so please forgive me if I say something medically wrong.

However I am a mother, to toddlers mind but the thing is that as old and grown up as they be I will always worry, I will always be concerned and they will always be my babies, even at 26!

Getting a guide dog seems to be a big part of your life so I can see why your mother would want to at least know. However you want one, she thinks its a bad idea so I can see why you don't want to tell her.

Go ahead with your guide dog decision anyway, you know your motive.

What are your mothers motives for her opinion?

Do you live with your mother?
Does she think the dog will be work for her?
Will the mistakes of the past be repeated and how did these mistakes affect you, her, and others?
Is she afraid of you having more independence - does she think her position in your life is under threat?

Hi December2012 Thanks for replying, and I will do the best I can to answer your questions as fullly as I can.
I am not sure what her motives are tbh.
I know she thinks I am making a mistake, and yes, first dog, I was supported by her as my dad really didn't want it so she did help that one to happen but then it didn't work out and same for second, but I was not living with her at this point, and don't now.
With last dog, she would have brought me to the vet with him ocasionally, also brought me to the park with him so he can have a run around. As with most things it was always made out to be a chore so yes, in this way maybe she thinks this dog will be work for her, but I mean really, is it two much to expect that tiny bit of help? She has never had to help with grooming, cleaning up after poop etc have done, and will do again, that by myself.
If I thought the mistakes of the past would be repeated I would not be trying again. with the last dog the reason for what happened, without going into detail, were traits in his personality that could not be managed. When I knew I wasn't getting him back, I was very upset, and sometimes when he would be having a bad day etc I would get stressed, but I mean that is not her decision to make whether I should take something on or not.
AS for her thinking her position in my life is under threat, I honestly cannot answer that one.

Neyite

A guide dog is a big commitment, but you know that already. The fact is, that you are an adult, and can make your own decisions, and do not need her permission. So, if you feel that you can offer the dog the quality of life (with care, exercise and correct diet) it deserves during its working career for you, in exchange for the dog giving you such freedom and companionship then go for it.

Mammies can be protective, mine is and I'm the far side of 35 with a family of my own, but she fusses as if I were a teen. I imagine yours is doubly protective because she is factoring in your disability as well as the mammyness.

I'd say that because of 2 previous dogs not working out for you, that the Guide Dog people are fully aware of why, and if they are still prepared to give you another dog, and work hard to ensure one that is a better match for you, then they and you are the best judge of the situation.

Thank her for her input, tell her you will think about it, and make your own mind up - and dont confirm to her you are getting the dog until its a done deal.

I wish you the best of luck, and wish you many years of independence with your new companion. I have been close to someone who had a Guide Dog and see how life-changing they are.

afterglow

Neyite wrote: »

A guide dog is a big commitment, but you know that already. The fact is, that you are an adult, and can make your own decisions, and do not need her permission. So, if you feel that you can offer the dog the quality of life (with care, exercise and correct diet) it deserves during its working career for you, in exchange for the dog giving you such freedom and companionship then go for it.

Mammies can be protective, mine is and I'm the far side of 35 with a family of my own, but she fusses as if I were a teen. I imagine yours is doubly protective because she is factoring in your disability as well as the mammyness.

I'd say that because of 2 previous dogs not working out for you, that the Guide Dog people are fully aware of why, and if they are still prepared to give you another dog, and work hard to ensure one that is a better match for you, then they and you are the best judge of the situation.

Thank her for her input, tell her you will think about it, and make your own mind up - and dont confirm to her you are getting the dog until its a done deal.

I wish you the best of luck, and wish you many years of independence with your new companion. I have been close to someone who had a Guide Dog and see how life-changing they are.

Hi Neyite
Thanks for your reply, you are right about the mammyness as you put it
I am certain I can give the dog the quality of life, and care it deserves. Before the last dog went, we had nearly 6 months of good mobility and working relationship together. We also had a very good bond. As you know if you have been around someone with a Guide dog, we are taught the approapriat way to care for them, feed them, play etc. I have always stuck to the rules and have given them no reason to think that I should not have one, so hopefully this will be the one that works full term, and many more after it
Thanks again for your reply

Big Bag of Chips

Don't tell her until it's done! She may be worried about you and protective of you. She may offer advice and opinion. But at the end of the day it is your decision.

If she is not going to be responsible for the day to day care of the dog, then really she has no right to make that decision for you.

Although it IS difficult, as a mammy, to stepback! Especially when you think you know best

afterglow

Hi all
Quick update for anyone who is semi interested

I went to cork on monday, did a match walk on tuesday morning and happy to be able to say that i have been matched with a gorgeous black lab/retriever cross. He has a lovely temprament, and is very responsive so all early signs are good
Thanks so much for all your advice. Family are not happy but sure what can they do
Thanks again

Yitzhak Rabin

Congrats OP. Hope you and your new dog have a great relationship!


Op, this is just a question out of curiosity. .. but how do you read and reply to posts if you are blind?

afterglow

Hi Yitzhak Rabin
Thanks for asking, and no, I don't mind at all, I did always wonder when someone's curiosity would get the better of them
I use the touch version of the site with my iphone and a bluetooth keyboard, apple's wireless keyboard to be exact. the iphone comes with a built in screen reader called voice over, same on macs, and this is how I read the site, and when I decide I want to reply to something, I get the trusty bluetooth keyboard out then lol
Hope that's answered your question
Thanks for your congratulations

CdeC

Hey afterglow,
Real pleasure talking with you on here. Guide dogs have always fascinated me, I think it is amazing that a dog can do such a specialised task as be someones eyes and I hope that you get your dog and you guys make a great team.

About your mum, I know I don't know her but I find that parents always go through a difficult time when their children gain or want independence. They've invested so much time looking after them and providing that when the time comes some find it difficult to let go. I know my own mother cried when I wanted to move out in college and I ultimately decided not to. Maybe she is being a little overprotectiove and she is worried that her role in your life will lose importance.

My advice is just go ahead and do what you need to do to get your dog. Once your Mum sees how happy you are and the level of independence it gives you she will be happy for you.

Best of luck and could I ask a question as well if you dont mind.

What is the etticate with guide dogs, if someone is out and about is it rude to pet the dog and say hello or is that an ok thing to do???

Diziet

Congratulations to the OP. I have done some fundraising for Irish Guide Dogs and the organisation does a wonderful job.

As for ettiquete, you are not supposed to distract the dog in any way when it is working.

Dark Phoenix

I am delighted you have your dog OP. Being blind cannot be easy and I have to be honest I cannot fathom why your mum would object to a dog who would firstly make your life easier, secondly allow you greater independance and thirdly be a great companion for you. Parents can be odd like that who knows what is going through her head maybe she is worried that if it does not work out you will be upset.

Either way this is your life and your decisions. The great thing is that as you are not living at home and have a partner you are not reliant on your mums permission or approval to do this. We get to an age where we should not need our parents approval to do things.

Best of luck with your new companion I hope it goes well

tinkerbell

OP, best of luck with your beautiful new companion. Guide dogs are so amazing and provide such great independence to their owners. I am so glad you were able to get one and I hope it works out this time.

I'm not sure what's up with your mother - how can she have any idea what it's like for a blind person, when she's not blind herself? She has no clue of what it is like for you. A guide dog can provide you with so much support. I don't actually know anything much about guide dogs but it is pretty much the only charity I support because I respect and admire their work so much. I love it when I see the guide dogs around - there are a few people who I see in my local supermarket regularly training the puppy guide dogs

So be happy with your new friend and enjoy it. Don't worry about your mother - she will just have to get over herself.

Neyite

CdeC wrote: »

What is the etticate with guide dogs, if someone is out and about is it rude to pet the dog and say hello or is that an ok thing to do???

When the dog has the harness on, its "on duty" so you do not distract it, or pet it, but if in doubt, or if you have a child that wants to pet the doggy, then ask the owner first always. Most owners are proud of their companions and usually happy to talk about the dog, and children are happy to learn about why its important not to distract a guide dog.

And the dog's diet is strictly controlled, so never feed them tid-bits, or dog biscuits etc. they are actually trained not to expect scraps/food from tables so to offer them any undo all the hard work that the trainers and owners put in. Food is an important part of their reward structure for obedience so should only be given to the dog by its owner.

Any unusual or unexpected obstacles like cars parked on pavements blocking them or parked on pedestrian crossings can be tricky for blind and their dogs, so its never any harm to just explain to them what is in their way and ask if they need assistance in going around the obstacle.

If your own dog is distracting the guide dog, rein him in right away.