Is it time to end it?

LegacyUser

So I have been married for 7 years and been with my wife for over 10 years. We have 2 kids. A 5 and 3 year old.

Sex has been a constant problem since we got married. Our sex life has never been what you would consider wild and exciting actually very boring in the sense she does not like giving or receiving oral sex or doggy style etc etc. This i can handle.

However the irregularity of our sex life has come to a head (not a pun). 2 years ago I had it out with her regarding the level of infrequency, like once a month stuff, she promised she would work on it and things would change i told her if it did not i was gone. There had always been other arguments but not as big as that.

This did not happen. Then in august just gone same argument again. She asked what i expected from her I said sex at least 3 times a month (not in a demanding type way but that is what i would expect to be "normal")

She agreed to this as well as getting a hormone level test done in the docs (her idea) and going to counselling. I gave a time frame of Jan.

Needless to say sex did not improve dramatically, test came back fine and she only started to attend counselling in Feb.

going on 3 weeks ago after dropping hints all week about sex and nothing happening we finally got it on after a night out. However after she came she fell asleep.

This was like the straw that broke the camels back. All the other times I got angry as well and arguments were always heated. ( never physical in any way shape or form).

Anyhow i moved into the spare bedroom that night and have not gone back.

I just really don't know what to do next. I just don't think I have the fight in me to go done the road of trying one more time. On the other hand I love my children so much and thoughts of being separated is horrific. Plus I am the one who will have to move out, doubt any and don't know how i could afford a second place as well as supporting them (even though she earns more then me.)

Please help with some advice as head is just melted at this stage.

username123

Hiya,
First of all I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time in your marriage.

What was your sex life like before you married/had children and what is the reason that your wife gives you for turning down sex? Is it that she is tired, not in the mood etc?

Next question, is she on hormonal contraception or any other medication that could affect her libido?

Does she masturbate when youre not around?

Outside of sex, how is your relationship, do you go places together, have shared fun experiences etc? Sex is a vitally important part of a relationship but its not the be all and end all. But its important to find out the real reason she isnt interested.

This bit below really stood out for me:

Sadandannoyed wrote: »

going on 3 weeks ago after dropping hints all week about sex and nothing happening we finally got it on after a night out. However after she came she fell asleep.

Personally I wouldnt like it if my husband was "dropping hints" about sex all week. Id feel under pressure. Surely it should be a more spontaneous or at least agreed upon process than this (when I say agreed upon - a suggestion of "this weekend"? type of thing, just once, not going on about it).

As for her coming then falling asleep, well its clear that her heart wasnt in it - but why not? Thats the key.

About the giving/receiving oral sex or doggy style - what does she like (Im not asking you to give a list here), and what about letting her take control and have the type of sex she wants to have? Or is she not into that?

A marriage needs sex, otherwise its just a friendship! Sex is what sets your relationship apart from just being friends.

What about couples counselling - surely that would make more sense than one person having counselling alone?

Just as an aside, its not healthy communication to threaten someone that you will be gone if they dont change, but then they dont change and you stay. You undermine your entire argument by doing that. Your wife thinks you are just letting off hot air and that you wont really go because more than once now - you havent gone. You lessen how serious it really is by doing that.

LegacyUser

Sex life was good when we started out. We did all the things we dont now like oral sex etc I can pinpoint the time things started to go bad and that was before we got married i moved to her parents home cause we were building a house and i got a job there.

In relation to what she likes is me on top or her on top. That's it.

In relation to her going to counselling alone it is due to a different reason that is not marriage related. So is also not on any form of contraception we use condoms. The reason behind this is that she felt that contraception made her very emotional.

Sex after kids: Well on the first one it was near 9 months but again that was not a huge issue for me as it was a pretty bad birth and did not want to rush it on the second it was 3 months but birth was a walk in the park (i know it never really is) compared to first.

I know when she wants to make an effort we can do it every night and i am not just talking about the first blossoms of romance but when we were trying for child number when she was not preg after the first month she went for near every night. Part of me feels if you can make an effort to have a child surly tou can do it for our marriage

username123

So what reason does she give for her lack of interest?

LegacyUser

Hey meant saying thanks for your opening line of the last post. I appreciate that.


She does not really give a specific reason. Will always say something like i know things must improve etc etc but never something like your sh1te in bed or cause sex is brutal.....i could handle that cause i could work on it.

Only twice in recent years she has ever let herself go and the sex was amazing but closed up completely the next day and did not want to talk about it. both times she had been drinking.

Says things like i know this is my fault and the guilt she has etc.


On threatening to leave and not doing it as i said if no kids i would be gone. However I do love her dearly and yeah we do stuff like walks and movie nights and going out for dinner etc.

LegacyUser

Yes you need to identify the reasons she is avoiding it. Ask her what kind of relationship she wants with you, would she be ok with a sexless relationship? If so then she needs to know that's not a marraige and you will want to leave.

If she does want a sexlife, then ask what you need to do to get her in the mood. Ask her what exactly she would like you to do whether its cooking her a meal, say every friday or one night of the week, no pressure from you, that's such a turn off. Dont make it about sex. She's a busy mother, sex is not a priority for her, so you both need to set aside time for her to relax. And again dont put pressure, if you do it regularly enough(a date night or night in after kids are in bed, or organise a babysitter),the dynamic will change and she wont feel pressure.

You mention she is in counselling for a separate issue. Well she is not happy over something and being generally unhappy will affect her sex drive. Emotions are very much tied up with a woman's libido. So maybe she needs time to deal with this. Whatever it is you need to find out the reasons, and then deal with them.

LegacyUser

Maybe she's just tired, full stop? Not with you or the relationship, just generally?
If she fell asleep straight after your last time, is in a well paid (& prob equally high pressure) job, has 2 kids under the age of 5, maybe she's just exhausted.
Any chance giving her a break for a week or two might recharge the batteries? Talking on her own or with her mum/sister -so no bedroom pressure, a total and complete time out.
Might clear her head

ruboo

Does she just have a low libido? Is she depressed or lacking confidence? I would be a bit concerned with her and her emotional state. If you can rule that out, you may be able to move forward in some way.
Personally, when I put on weight, or feel pretty I do not want sex, and I want it even less if the man is annoying me about it. Again, personally, sex with my partner should be (not all the time of course), romantic and sensual and spontaneous. I don't want a 'window' or a 'quickie'.

Anyway, all I am saying is maybe she is feeling something you are not aware of. I wish you the best.

LegacyUser

In relation to what she says it is always the same. She will try harder make more of an effort etc we both agree that we do not have the same sex drive but we are worlds apart as we currently stand.

I could handle "your crap in the sack" at least then it is something i am doing wrong that can be worked upon. However she always says that when we do make love she really enjoys it.
In relation to body changes neither of us are the same as when we first met. extra pounds gained on each side. But i constantly reassure her as to how sexy i think she is and how well she looks.

If truth be told i think she would be perfectly happy to never have sex again. But she could not live without hugs cuddles and being loved.

afterglow

Sadandannoyed wrote: »

In relation to what she says it is always the same. She will try harder make more of an effort etc we both agree that we do not have the same sex drive but we are worlds apart as we currently stand.

I could handle "your crap in the sack" at least then it is something i am doing wrong that can be worked upon. However she always says that when we do make love she really enjoys it.
In relation to body changes neither of us are the same as when we first met. extra pounds gained on each side. But i constantly reassure her as to how sexy i think she is and how well she looks.

If truth be told i think she would be perfectly happy to never have sex again. But she could not live without hugs cuddles and being loved.

Hi OP
First of all, it is awful you are experiencing issues in your relationship as regards sex, it can't be easy for you....
You say you think she would be happy to never have sex again in your opinion, but couldn't live without hugs/cuddles/being loved. To me, at least, sometimes, these 2 things are interlinked. Hugs/cuddles will sometimes lead to the other if you know what I mean.
What about a night where there is no pressure for intercourse, just like, a cuddle night of sorts if you will? Perhaps if you did this and your wife knew there was no pressure at all to be sexual if she didn't want, it could help improve things?
It could just be something that is worth a try.
Wishing you all the best

m'lady

Hi OP,

Felt very sad reading your story and felt I had to post a reply, although there is not much advice I can offer.

I have been where you are and it was the most soul destroying time of my life, where I felt so rejected for nearly 3 years.
It got to the point where I stopped 'begging' for intimacy or affection and actually got embarrassed when a sex scene came on TV in front of the man I loved and genuinely thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him.. Regardless of how I tried to get our sex life back to what we had I got nothing from him, resulting in me being a frustrated, sad and resentful partner. The excuses he gave were that he couldn't sleep with me when we were arguing so much- he didn't get that the reason we were arguing was largely to do with the lack of intimacy in the first place!! He even went so far to say that he wouldn't blame me if I slept with someone else, which I never did. That relationship has since ended and I'm now in a better place (relationship wise, confidence in myself and sexually).

The only advice I can really offer and it's already been mentioned is that you both try couples counselling, where she might get a better understanding as to how you are feeling? I don't believe anyone should stay in a relationship where the other person is not prepared to work at this, as someone else said a marriage without sex is a friendship.

Good luck OP, I sincerely hope this works out for you.

LegacyUser

At this stage I would ask her to go to her doctor and get the full range of blood tests done. These can check out her thyroid function, that she is not anemic or lacking in B12. If there is a problem in these areas it can effect your mood or you can lack get up and go.
You have told us she does not like the pill but there are many different types of pill and other methods you could use instead of condoms. Perhaps she is worried about getting pregnant again and if she is keeping you away this won't happen.

I would ask the grandparents/friends could you have the children next Saturday night as we would like to go out. I would tell your wife that you have arranged this as you both need to have time without the children to chat.
I would say to her you know I am very unhappy at the moment and I am sleeping in the spare room. I want our marriage to work but I don't know what you want as you tell me I want to have sex with you and this hardly ever happens. I would ask her is she willing to go to marriage counselling as you are willing to do this.
What could I do to make things better between us and please be honest with me?
She may tell you a few things that will be hard to hear but at this stage you both need to be honest with each other.
Ask her does she want a few hours to herself on a Saturday when you mind the children?
Does she want to go out one night a week to something she would enjoy when you mind the children or does she want you to do more of the shopping/washing/cleaning ect?

At the moment she could be tired due to been run down. She may feel that she is just there to work to pay the bills, does all the house work and spends all her free time with small children and other woman who only talk about children and then you are asking her for sex. Rather that telling you she wants help with x,y.z or wants to make changes she is using sex as something she can control. Could it be like if your a good boy you can have sex like what she says to the children if you eat your dinner you will get a treat.
I would also tell her that you are no longer staying in the spare room as you want your marriage to work and that a sex life is part of a marriage.

username123

You know, my heart really goes out to you OP, you actually sound really sad in your posts and these bits say a lot:

Sadandannoyed wrote: »

but never something like your sh1te in bed or cause sex is brutal.....i could handle that cause i could work on it.

Sadandannoyed wrote: »

I could handle "your crap in the sack" at least then it is something i am doing wrong that can be worked upon.

^^ You actually want it to be your fault so that you can do something to fix it!

Ok, lets get practical. Other people have given good advice here. Lets try and get it in some kind of coherent order for you.

1. Go out without the kids so that you can have a serious talk about this. I would advise going somewhere that does not include alcohol.

2. Explain your feelings to you wife without any kind of anger, just tell her how this is affecting you. Dont threaten her with ending the marriage, but explain that you cannot see the point of a marriage if there is no sex. Ask her how it is affecting her. If the subject is too hard to talk about without getting upset or emotional, write down what you want to say in a letter and give it to her to read. All the responses here have given good advice on the kinds of stuff you need to cover.

3. Ask her for a honest answer as to why she is not interested in sex. Be prepared for an answer that hurts your feelings. Above all, do not get angry at whatever the answer is.

4. If there is an answer, then you need to find a way to resolve things one way or the other, couples counselling, changes in how bedroom activities are approached, more touching and massage rather than sex, different contraception, or maybe, end of marriage - depends on the answer to 3 above.

5. If there was no real answer to 3 above, ask her to speak to her GP about this and for her to take a range of tests to figure out whats wrong with her libido. If she is not willing to follow through on this then you may be back to 3 to find out why.

Ultimately, the answer to 3 is going to lead you where you go next but if she is willing to work on this then I think you should give one last chance but it HAS to be the last chance, you need to draw a line in the sand here. You need to be clear that this is the end of the line for you. I would not say "If we dont get this sorted its over" as thats a high pressure threat. I would say "we need to work on this and review where we are in a couple of months" and follow through on that. And continue to follow through on that as the previous pattern has been to slightly improve then back to same.

Outside of the practical steps above, I would say to you to give yourself a loose time frame here. For example, if you dont get this issue sorted or on the road to resolution within 6 months (or whatever is appropriate for you) then you need to think about moving on. You can only work so hard to try and resolve something then you are flogging a dead horse. There is no point in finding yourself in the same position in 2 years time with little changed in between - you know? Maybe make 2013 the year that this is tackled once and for all - whether or not the outcome is as you want.

And I think you should also speak to a solicitor. Find out where you stand legally if you wish to separate. Just see this as an information gathering exercise, it is to demystify for you the notion of ending the marriage. It is easy to think "oh I cant end it because where will I live, when will I see my kids etc.." - just go and find out all of that so that you are mentally prepared no matter what steps you find yourself taking. Keep it private, its not a stick to beat your wife with, its just an info gathering exercise for you.

Above all, best of luck, you come across as a lovely guy who really wants to save his marriage. Remember that no matter how this turns out, you are entitled to a good life and to be happy and you dont have to accept less than that. These kinds of stress over a prolonged stretch of time is not good for you at all, so better to get moving on getting it resolved, and movement in any direction is better than stagnation.

carlows

Hi OP,

My heart goes out to you and the situation you are in. It seems like you are a really genuine nice guy who wants the best from your marriage. Some men would have left long ago.

As a married woman myself, a mam of 2 young children who works a fulltime job and occasional late evenings I can understand how your wife can be tired, stressed and sex may be the last thing on her mind.

I can only speak for myself and my own experiences, there was times i was soooo tired and i too didn't want sex with my husband. After a busy day all i would want to do was go to bed and sleep and i was constantly turning my husband down everytime he suggested anymore. I found that it started to become normal not having sex and i always had an excuse.

Like you my husband, started to get frustrated and we had a long talk about it one night. He was tired of my excuses, constantly being tired etc. I was fed up of him always instigating sex and sometimes possibly like your wife, i would fall asleep after it, relieved it was over and the pressure would be off me for another while.

Following our talk, we agreed to make more time for ourselves. Although, not always easy during the week but we make a conscious effort at weekends. Cuddling on the couch, kissing, reminiscing on old times, talking about what we loved about each other. It usually ended in love making.
We're both so much happier and would have sex at least twice a week now. I feel happier cuz it's not just 'sex' anymore it's love making. I feel he loves me, is attracted to me and that it's okay with my husband if we just kiss and cuddle and it doesn't lead to anymore.

I suppose the advice i'm trying to give you, which is similar to what others have said, is organise a nice evening (kids free) with your wife, talk openly and honestly about how you feel and see what her feelings are. Try and spend more time together, switching off from everything else but yourselves. Move out of the spare room back into your own room. Sex is really important in a relationship, It is easy to let it slide and get in a routine without it. Get the 'spark' back in your relationship.

If there is no change in your wife OP, I'm afraid i would leave. You'll never be able to say you didn't try but you do deserve happiness and if not with your wife, maybe with someone else
Best of luck

Corkgirl210

Ders a sex therapist thing on tv every week.. sex inspectors.. which gives complete insight into everything you have explained.. and it goes through different ways to over come it... usually it can be fixed.. both of you watch it?

They basically introduced things like.. removing baby from bedroom.. kids in bed early, couple time..has to kiss for more than 1 minute.. both get aroused.. u both say what you want.. have a sex board with ideas.. try different things.. kama sutra cards with different positions etc.. both have to be willing to try.. thats the ONLY problem!

dellas1979

Well, hang on there a second now, OP you said in your post that she is currently in councelling for something.

Are you 100% sure that is isnt connected? I dont see how it couldnt.