He's still living the single life!

LegacyUser

Like the title says, my boyfriend of nine months is still living the single life. Not in a getting off with girls kind of way ( though he was never like that anyway), but he hasn't changed anything in his life to fit me in at all.

He is a very genuine, nice fella and I know he's mad about me but he doesn't prioritise me in the slightest. I don't think this is doing this deliberatly as he isn't the type to play games or just not to bother.

He is away in college all week, going out all the time drinking and generally living a studentslifestyle.

He is in quite a popular band and he spends every evening at the weekend travelling the country and playing in different venues. Weekend mornings he has band practise, teaches grinds and takes part in sport (often has trips away with his time in ANY spare time he has left).

It's gotten to the stage that our relationship is consistening of lunch/ coffee once a week or even every 2 weeks. He always has to rush off to his next activity every time we meet and it's not nice.

Sometimes he tells me he will have a free day that we can spend together, and I'll text or ring him that morning buit get no respone untill much later in the day. Usually he says he didn't check his phone or that he got caught up in doing something else. ( A favour for someone or something) At that stage I don't even want to bother seeing him. More than likely he will have to rush away to do something else after van hour anyway.

This is the feeling I'm getting a lot when he has 5 minutes to meet up now. I'm sick of having to jump and fit into his mad routine.


Anytime I've told him that I'm fed up with the situation he apoligises and promises things will change but they don't. He really doesn't understand why I'm getting mad. He doesn't look at things from my point of view at all. I really like him and I don't want to end things but I find myself being snappy with him when he texts or rings.

It doesn't look like he's going to change his lifestyle from when he was single at all.

We are both early 20's by the way and this is his first realationship. I can't help but feel he is a bit clueless about the whole relationship thing.


Should I shut up and put up or cut my losses and walk away?

P. Breathnach

Walk, but look back. If he is following you, consider giving him one last chance - but be very clear that is is a last chance.

Toast4532

Having been in a similar situation I told my boyfriend it was his last chance and he is making an effort to change.

I suggest you do the same with your boyfriend - tell him you want to meet up and talk. And if he asks why - tell him.

If he says he'll change etc, tell me that if he does it to you once more (cancel plans, doesn't make time for you) that your relationship is over.

LegacyUser

Thank you for replying! I'm afriad of giving an ultimatum because I think I would look like such a demanding princess, even though I'm quite the opposite. I suppose I would be justified in doing it all the same!

There's another thing that's bothering me that i should have included in my first post.
Obviously my boyfriend is good friends with his band mates, and he is very close to the only girl in the group. Although I know that nothing would ever happen between them, It upsets me that she is the one he is touring the country and having adventures with. She is the one who has loads in common with him. She is the one who has heaps of mutual friends with him.
I've met her and don't get me wrong, she is a lovely girl, but it upsets me that she is the one who has a special relationship with my boyfriend and not me. They have certainly bee through more together than my boyfriend and I. I don't think me and him have created and special memories or anything.

Toast4532

FrustratedCB wrote: »

Thank you for replying! I'm afriad of giving an ultimatum because I think I would look like such a demanding princess, even though I'm quite the opposite. I suppose I would be justified in doing it all the same!

There's another thing that's bothering me that i should have included in my first post.
Obviously my boyfriend is good friends with his band mates, and he is very close to the only girl in the group. Although I know that nothing would ever happen between them, It upsets me that she is the one he is touring the country and having adventures with. She is the one who has loads in common with him. She is the one who has heaps of mutual friends with him.
I've met her and don't get me wrong, she is a lovely girl, but it upsets me that she is the one who has a special relationship with my boyfriend and not me. They have certainly bee through more together than my boyfriend and I. I don't think me and him have created and special memories or anything.

You need to talk to him about this because if you don't it will fester and there will come a point where you just won't be able to keep it to yourself any longer and it will come out in the heat of the moment, so you are better off sitting down now and calmly talking about it.

It looks to me as though you are inc=secure because of the girl who tours with the band and the fact that you don't see him often. Does she see him more than he see's you?

P. Breathnach

FrustratedCB wrote: »

... I'm afriad of giving an ultimatum because I think I would look like such a demanding princess, even though I'm quite the opposite....

Even though my suggestion was brief, it was not unconsidered. I did not mean to suggest an ultimatum. My idea was for you to tell him that it's over because he does not fit you into his life (or fit his life around you).

If, and only if, he makes a real effort to win you back you tell him what has been wrong and let him know that sort of relationship you consider acceptable.

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Even though my suggestion was brief, it was not unconsidered. I did not mean to suggest an ultimatum. My idea was for you to tell him that it's over because he does not fit you into his life (or fit his life around you).

If, and only if, he makes a real effort to win you back you tell him what has been wrong and let him know that sort of relationship you consider acceptable.

I get what you mean, I think he might see it as an unreasonable ultimatum though. As in it's over because you didn't do it my way. I would hate to be seen as a little princess.

Yes, he sees her more than me. The whole band would spend a good chunk of the weekend together, including regular over night stays.

The whole thing is just getting to me so much that I really find it difficult to be in good humor with him when I do see him, and then he's confused as to why I'm moody.

I really wish it could be fixed over ending it. He is just so used to doing his own thing that he can't see why he can't continue doing so while in a relationship.

daisybelle2008

FrustratedCB wrote: »

I get what you mean, I think he might see it as an unreasonable ultimatum though. As in it's over because you didn't do it my way. I would hate to be seen as a little princess.

Yes, he sees her more than me. The whole band would spend a good chunk of the weekend together, including regular over night stays.

The whole thing is just getting to me so much that I really find it difficult to be in good humor with him when I do see him, and then he's confused as to why I'm moody.

I really wish it could be fixed over ending it. He is just so used to doing his own thing that he can't see why he can't continue doing so while in a relationship.

OP not sure why you keep insisting about not looking like a princess. Expressing your needs and wants is reasonable adult behaviour. Suppressing them and pretending you are feeling something different for appearances sake is not.
If you are not having the kind of relationship you want with this person, I would advise finding someone you are more compatible with.
You are basically asking how to change this guy into something he maybe isn't capable of and hasn't demonstrated.
If you are more afraid of scaring him off than being yourself and are not in the kind of relationship you seem to want, then move on.
I would say do some assertiveness classes if you can find them in any event.
This guy has other priorities and seems well contained and balanced, and to be honest his priorities seem fine to me for his age. You should maybe take a leave out of his book and not put men and relationships above your self esteem and assertiveness.

MissFlitworth

When you look at what your boyfriend does what bits of it do you think he can (or will) change to fit stuff in so that you can see him more? If he's away at college Monday - Friday that can't be changed, the band practice/travelling probably can't be changed either, so that only leaves dropping sport or teaching grinds (does he need the money?) Reading through his list of activities it doesn't sound like something an ultimatum can fix unless there's something you want him to quit or there's some way he can start involving you in one of his activities?

It's not princess-y at all to want to be able to spend time with your partner but it can be really sucky to really want to spend time with someone who just can't fit you in and are so heavily involved in their own things that they they're just sort of pulling you along with them & throwing you the occasional crumb. I'd be wary of throwing away a lot of your early 20s on someone who will probably continue on as they are when you could potentially meet someone you could be having a ball with & instead of seeing someone you vaguely want to kill with pure frustration for a coffee every couple of weeks

strandroad

Just to chime in that what you're asking for is not princessy at all. He gives you less time he would to a pen pal.

If he can't find time for a girlfriend at this stage of his life perhaps he shouldn't have one. He doesn't treat you well at all.

CommanderC

If you are only seeing your boyfriend once a week/fortnight then something is very wrong. That is not a relationship.

He may be a nice guy but I honestly believe that if he wanted to spend more time with you, he would.

I think you should tell him that you want to end it because seeing him once a week/fortnight is not enough for you (if you did break up you wouldn't be in a much different position than you are now).

If he doesn't want to lose you, he will change. Otherwise....it's best you get out now and move on to meet someone who does want to spend time with you.