'The Ex'-Advice needed

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I'm looking for some advice..... to give a brief background i'm 25 with my fiance (28) 7 years. We have a son and i am expecting our 2nd child.
So here's the problem.... (It's gonna be a long one!)
Before we met he was living with his girlfriend in Limerick, they were together a few years but due to a family bereavement he moved home and they broke up. Early on in our relationship she contacted him and they were in touch via texts. I must admit i can be a very jealous person and was a little put out. I asked that he let me know if she contacts and not hide anything from me which he agreed.
About a year ago we were sitting on couch together and i picked up his phone and jokingly said something along the lines of 'so who you been texting lately' as i said it i opened his inbox to find msgs from his ex. I was completely shocked and i just put down the phone and left the room. My head was doing 90 thinking are they always texting? why didn't he tell me? what were they saying? etc etc. After a few mins i returned and asked what were the texts about & why he didn't tell me. He said they were about nothing.... I asked if i could see them to which he said he deleted them!!! That really made me angry, why delete them if they were innocent?? Needless to say we had a big argument... i admitted that i can be a jealous person and can get paranoid but all he had to do was tell me she text etc. I thought we had a very open relationship and i would tell him everything. He said he didn't tell me cuz he didn't want me to get thick and then we'd argue. I explained that in future i want to know everything, no secrets, and that if he couldn't tell me then i couldn't be with him. He promised he would!

So now i'm heavily pregnant with our second child, I'm in work & i log into his e-mail. I had booked an event using his e-mail and was checking for confirmation. When i logged into his e-mail i seen an un-opened msg from 'the ex'. My heart sank, and i didn't know what to do (I didn't read thee-mail).... I thought for ages and decided i'd test his honestly. I text him asking if i could log into his e-mail, he didn't text back for about 20 mins and then said 'yeah sure'. When i logged back in the e-mail is....deleted!
I exploded, ringing him telling him i had seen the e-mail and that i knew he deleted it. He denied it at first and then admitted. He got my text dropped everything at home, drove 15mins to his mam's house to log onto her pc (as we had no internet) delete the e-mail and then text me to say it was okay! Seemed like he went to an awful lot of effort for 'nothing'.
Another row broke out, he said nothing was going on.... he didn't want to start an argument by telling me, he was only being friendly etc.


I don't know what to do, my instinct is telling me to call it a day. I can't stand being lied to and he knows that. Either that or tell him to cut all contact with her, tell her he doesn't want to hear from her again???
Am i over reacting? Is the problem my insecurity?

blatantrereg

Don't go looking at people's inboxes. It's not funny. It's just intrusive, disrespectful and discomfiting.

Czarcasm

OP that situation sounds like a complete mess, for both of you.

You can't "force" openness and honesty in a relationship. You have to be able to trust the other person. Your boyfriend hasn't helped in this regard with his silly antics, and you haven't helped yourself with your "testing his honesty" (I'll be honest I'd a bit of a "WTF?" moment when I read that!).

I know you said ye have a second child on the way, but honestly, do you see any resolution to this issue when you're both acting like children yourselves?

It just sounds like neither of you is doing the other any favors in terms of enhancing each other's lives. He's distracting himself from the reality of the relationship by hanging off his ex, and you're sneaking around behind his back playing junior detective?

Both of you, with all due respect OP, seriously need to grow up a bit. I can't honestly see the situation improving which is why I suggested you separate, not just for your own sakes but for the sakes of your children involved, they shouldn't have to put up with both your nonsense for the next ten years before you finally make up your mind that yeah, this really isn't working, but by then you're both so miserable and drained that neither of you has the energy to do anything about it.

CarMe

Everyone would like to be cool, calm and secure in themselves but I can only speak for myself here OP, I'd have reacted the exact same as you and I'm sure I did, once or twice when I was pregnant.

The "It's wrong to read peoples messages" debate is for another thread, the way I see it is (a) he hasn't respected you enough to be honest with you about his contact with her (b) he should have kept his texts as proof they were innocent not immediately delete them! (c) going to all that effort to delete that e-mail is strange beyond belief!!

I don't really know what to advise you, you need to sit down and have an open honest discussion, now personally there's only a couple of things he could say that I'd be inclined to believe ie- emotional affair, telling her about his "problems" and possibly your relationship, reminiscing about their relationship etc- because I'm sorry but if they were talking about the weather and work then he'd have been only delighted for you to see that mail/messages.

You poor thing I really hope you can work it out.

blatantrereg

Your problem isn't insecurity exactly. It's that you're very controlling and think it's grand to flip out at your bf for no reason.

That really made me angry, why delete them if they were innocent??

Because he knew you'd get very angry, even if they were.

Big Bag of Chips

Admitting you're jealous doesn't mean that he is at fault.. it just means you're jealous.

Very often people will take the path of least resistance. It's easier in his mind to hide things from you, rather than tell you and still probably end up in a row over it. By not telling you, there's a chance you won't find out, and it won't end in a row. By telling you, there is s chance of a row.

If you are jealous, you will still be jealous that he is in contact with her even if he tells you everything.

Do you doubt that he loves you?

7 years is a long time together. Which means it's a long time since they were together. You should be feeling secure and reassured by now. It is possible that there is still a fondness between the two of them. I have an ex that I have happy memories with.. but I love my husband.

They broke up for a reason, if they wanted to stay together they would have made it work. You seem to think because of the circumstances in which they broke up that it wasn't what either of them wanted...? Is that true?

Your jealousy and fighting with him, testing him and checking up in him isn't going to make either of you happy.

You need to sort it out between you, with no arguing & shouting!

Mr Bump

OP, in my view, there can be no solid reason to keep in contact with his ex, you found the texts and he deleted them, something wrong there, you looked at his mail and then he deleted it, sorry but something is going on, what i have no idea, but it is not right,

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Mr Bump wrote: »

OP, in my view, there can be no solid reason to keep in contact with his ex, you found the texts and he deleted them, something wrong there, you looked at his mail and then he deleted it, sorry but something is going on, what i have no idea, but it is not right,

Totally agree with this. Even if there is nothing 'relationshippy' going on with the ex, what he is doing is disrespectful to you. He knows how you feel about the ex & contact with her. Yet he chooses to disregard your feelings on the matter. He is having secret contact with her behind your back...whether it's about the weather or about something more sordid, it's still a secret contact, it's underhand, disrespectful, sneaky, uncaring.

You have an unborn baby to think of. You must try to not stress (easier said than done). Your boyfriend sounds horrible to be doing this to you. It's the sneakiness of it all.

There is something going on...whether it is platonic or not is another thing and to be honest, it wouldn't matter to me. What he is doing is wrong.

We can all argue about not invading people's text messages and inboxes but I think that's just a secondary issue to a main problem.

The problem is TRUST or lack of it. You have asked him repeatedly to tell you of contact. He has ignored you. You have told him you are paranoid/don't like contact with the ex. He has ignored this. He does not respect your thoughts, feelings and opinions. He sounds awful. Sorry, not what you want to hear but I couldn't put up with my hubby if he behaved so disrespectfully to me.

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks for all your replies!
Big Bag of Chips that was exactly his argument "By not telling me, there's a chance i wouldn't find out, and it wouldn't end in a row. By telling me, there's chance of a row & he didn't want that"

We're together a long time and he's a fantastic boyfriend & father. We've rarely argued in our time together but when we do it's always over her. It's the secrecy and the lies i can't handle.
Galwaygirlee as you said "There is something going on...whether it is platonic or not is another thing and to be honest, it wouldn't matter to me. What he is doing is wrong"...That's my point but he doesn't seem to get it! He say's there's nothing going on-physically i believe him cuz they live opposite ends of country and he's always at home but emotionally i don't know.
I've asked him if he wants to be friends with her or keep in contact that's fine. I've admitted i'd find it very hard but something i could possibly work on if he was honest with me about their conversations etc. He said he doesn't want any contact with her if it's gonna upset me and drive a wedge between us.

The latest thing now is 2 of her sisters have added him as a friend on facebook (which he told me about and declined). She is now friends with his 2 sisters on facebook now aswell. When i asked him if she would even know them that well he said no!
It feels like i can't get away from her!

After over 7 years why is she making all this contact????????

CaraMay

Op you are in a difficult spot here. Obviously she is contacting him cos he is replying. It sounds very suss with the various sisters involved.

I suspect he is getting an ego boost from her which is entirely unfair on you. You need to go for counseling with him before you consider walking up the aisle.