Desperately lonely and can't take it!!

Leinster_Girl

Hi,

I don't know if I'm looking for advice, or just wanting to get this all out. I'm 35 and have been seperated for just over 2 years. I don't have children and the marriage just broke down because of financial issues and basically falling out of love. We fell into the roles of me looking after him, and doing everything. For the first year I was very up and down. Enjoying my independence and being single again. But also feeling very lonely.

About a year ago I started Internet dating because I felt I was ready to move on and I wanted to share my life with someone again. A year on, endless first dates, many heartbreaks... And I am still single. I just feel like I can't cope with it at all. I have good friends and family, but all I want is a partner to go through life with and who will love me. Most people won't understand me feeling this way, but it is the way I feel, and counselling and anti-depressants have not changed this.

I have just been dumped again this week, totally out of the blue, after seeing a guy for just over a month. And I just feel like I'm never going to meet anyone. Most of the time when the guys don't want another date with me, they say we just didn't click, or there was no chemistry. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm being selective about who I accept dates with, but not too fussy. We go out, I have a great time and then they lose interest. And I'm not sleeping with them on the first or second dates.

I don't know where to meet someone. The online thing is not working for me at all. I don't have money to join clubs or go out all the time. I feel just so incredibly lonely now. I just want to make someone happy. I think I have a lot to offer. But guys my age are just driving me nuts (or maybe it's just the guys on the dating sites). They don't seem to know what they want, they're not ready for relationships etc. I know exactly what I want... But just can't seem to find it. I know people say that I'll find it if I stop looking. But how do you stop looking for something you so desperately want ???

Sometimes I feel like a sad pathetic woman, and I should be happy with myself first. But that's the thing... I don't want to be happy by myself, I just want to share my life with someone. When I am with someone who truly loves me, everything else falls in to place, and I have the strength to sort out the rest of m life. But when I am alone, I can't seem to get anything together.

ash23

Leinster_Girl wrote: »

Sometimes I feel like a sad pathetic woman, and I should be happy with myself first. But that's the thing... I don't want to be happy by myself, I just want to share my life with someone. When I am with someone who truly loves me, everything else falls in to place, and I have the strength to sort out the rest of m life. But when I am alone, I can't seem to get anything together.

I don't think you're sad or pathetic. But I do think you have your priorities skewed. You say that when someone loves you, the rest of your life will be better. I'm not sure why you think that someone worth having wants to be with someone who has a lot to sort out?

For example, I'm a fairly "together" kind of person. Recently single again but coping fine. I have a job, a nice place to live, car, good social life....I'm a pretty happy and content person. I eventually want to meet someone I can settle down with but I'm ok being on my own.

Now, if I met a guy who hadn't got his life "together" I would have no interest in him at all. I don't need or want a project and I don't want the responsibility of being the fix for someones problems. It's too much, too early.

You need to have a life that will make someone want to be part of it as opposed to sending them running in the opposite direction. You need to have stuff to talk about, interesting stuff. You need for the other person to think "wow, she's really interesting. I want to get to know everything about her".


You might eventually meet someone who is the same, who thinks that meeting someone will cure everything. But odds are, you won't be attracted to them.

I just think that it's fine to wait and hope for the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. But you can't waste your life waiting for them either.

Sort out whatever it is you feel needs sorting, get happy and live your single life and you'll find that people are more open to relationships with you.

Forever Hopeful

Op, you are your own victim.
Saying that you don't want to be happy on your own and your general attitude is creating a stress and pressure that becomes a self defeating prophesy.
If you can't be happy in your own company, how can you expect anyone else to be?
People can sense desperation a mile away and it's off putting.
I'm nearly 40, single and live alone and happy. Yes I would love to meet someone and share my life but its not my focus. You know what, I meet guys. I've walked away from guys I wouldn't have when I was in my late 20s 30s. Why? Because I won't settle for less than what I deserve.
I would rather be on my own than in a cr*ppy relationship. If that happens in my 40s, 50s etc I don't care as I would rather spend my time with the right person than waste energy/ tears on the wrong person.
Change your outlook. You are making yourself miserable over something you have no control over. It's ok, you are not alone. Work on your attitude and perspective and things will change.

LegacyUser

Leinster_Girl wrote: »

Hi,

But that's the thing... I don't want to be happy by myself

This really stood out for me.
I have quite recent separated from my wife, and one of the main reasons for it was because she had resigned herself to never be happy.
She told me years ago that she could never be happy, not with me in particular, just in general; and I thought I could change that.
It's something that cannot be changed by anyone else though.
A relationship should be an additive onto your own life, not the focus of it.
So I think that you and any prospective partner have to be happy with yourself and your own life before you expect to be happy as part of a relationship.

You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and any future partner, which quite frankly, is not necessary.
I think you should continue with any counseling/doctors but you really do need to focus on yourself.
I'm not saying you need to throw away the idea of finding a partner, but you need to be happy with yourself and make yourself happy before you can expect anyone else to do so.
After all, if you can't make you happy; how are they meant to be able to do it?

I think it's great that you are getting out there and you are going for what you want but you really do need to take a step back and focus on yourself above anyone or anything else.
If you can do this, I think you'll find in no time that a relationship will develop more easily and naturally.
If not, then at least you'll be content with yourself and you wont feel the same disappointment and anguish that you are going through now.

Daisy78

It seems strange to me that you have had so many dates but there has been no interest from any of the men that you met. Obviously they must have found you attractive to ask you on a date in the first place (I presume it was they who did the asking). I'm wondering maybe if you might be mis representing yourself somewhat on your profile, are you portraying yourself in a way that's different from reality? How well do you interact with these men on the date, do you ask about their lives, interests, etc or is the conversation wholly focused on you. Are you coming across a bit needy or intense, which would be very offputting. Do you mention your ex a lot? You might not be be doing any of these things but I'm playing devils advocate here. Maybe you need to join a different site. Maybe these guys are looking for a quick hookup and when they don't get it straight away its goodbye and good luck. I know it can be a bit demoralising but maybe have a think about your whole approach to this and think of things which you could do differently that might yield better results. Good luck op.

JillyQ

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Op, you are your own victim.
Saying that you don't want to be happy on your own and your general attitude is creating a stress and pressure that becomes a self defeating prophesy.
If you can't be happy in your own company, how can you expect anyone else to be?
People can sense desperation a mile away and it's off putting.
I'm nearly 40, single and live alone and happy. Yes I would love to meet someone and share my life but its not my focus. You know what, I meet guys. I've walked away from guys I wouldn't have when I was in my late 20s 30s. Why? Because I won't settle for less than what I deserve.
I would rather be on my own than in a cr*ppy relationship. If that happens in my 40s, 50s etc I don't care as I would rather spend my time with the right person than waste energy/ tears on the wrong person.
Change your outlook. You are making yourself miserable over something you have no control over. It's ok, you are not alone. Work on your attitude and perspective and things will change.

I could have written the above post myself, single in my forties, own house good job and would love some to come along and join me. But if it dosen't happen I have good friends a reletatively active social life and a hobby that I really enjoy. I think the OP has the attitude that she cant be happy without having someone in her life. I have known people like that, and mostly they have gone from on disaster to another. You have to be comfortable in your own skin. Forever hopeful you are spot on when you say the OP has to change her attitude.

Daveysil15

Leinster_Girl wrote: »

About a year ago I started Internet dating because I felt I was ready to move on and I wanted to share my life with someone again. A year on, endless first dates, many heartbreaks... And I am still single.

Well if you're having endless first dates then you're obviously meeting plenty of people. As a guy who has tried online dating, I can tell you Its very difficult to get dates. I've had one date in the space of two years.

It sounds to me like you need to become happy with yourself first. You may be giving off a negative vibe. You shouldn't need to rely on someone else to be happy.