Worried about my sister

LegacyUser

Going anon for this because I know too many people on here.

Basically, my sister is 25, and has been living with this lad (24) for the past year. They've had their issues - he wasn't helping out, she was nagging, etc - both of them have their moments. She gave up a course because he got a job in a far away town and needed the car. She seems to be sitting in crying 99% of the time and I can't watch her do it anymore.

His parents live nearby and they are very intimidating towards her, calling her names and telling her she's stupid for applying for a particular job. The mother laughs at her and calls her an idiot, the father intimidates her and shouts in her face.

Her boyfriend doesn't stand up for her in front of them, he will ring them when they've gone and tell them off. He also runs to them every time he has a row with my sister. She has told him a million times to stand up for her and he'll agree, it'll be all lovey-dovey for a week and that's it.

This used to be a confident, clothes-mad young girl with a good social life and friends and a course in social care. Now she's a girl who is 3-4 stone heavier, miserable, depressed, doesn't go out, and sits in a bedroom all day watching DVDs or crying on the phone to me or mum. She has told me they don't sleep in the same room anymore but she loves him and does not want to leave him.

What the hell do you do in this situation?!

Big Bag of Chips

Tell her to stand up for herself. She's an adult. She doesn't need him to mind her. If they disrespect her, in her house, she tells them to leave.

He has his own relationship with his parents, which because of history might make it difficult for him to stand up to them.

She doesn't have any such history.

If she wants to stay in the relationship then she has to demand their respect...

And he needs to stop running to them everytime there's a row in his relationship. If they are only hearing the bad side to your sister, they are obviously going to have a bad opinion of her and feel she is not good enough for their son.

Edit: Although the same could be said for her. She needs to stop crying to you and your mother on the phone about him. They both sound quite immature to be honest and maybe not ready for the commitment of living together in an adult relationship.

username123

You are enabling it by listening to her crying on the phone. So is your mum. Next time, when the crying starts, cut across and tell her what youve just posed above and then tell her to stand up for herself and start living her life in a more positive way. But that you wont listen to the same crying rubbish on the phone again.

You cant control another person, you can tell her whats what and then leave her at it.

irishgirl19

she will only leave him in her own time,and for herself, not for anyone else. the best thing you can do is support her and encourage her,eventually when she builds her confidence back up she will take a stand.

Ms. Pingui

username123 wrote: »

You are enabling it by listening to her crying on the phone. So is your mum. Next time, when the crying starts, cut across and tell her what youve just posed above and then tell her to stand up for herself and start living her life in a more positive way. But that you wont listen to the same crying rubbish on the phone again.

You cant control another person, you can tell her whats what and then leave her at it.

I wouldn't tell her to stop calling and crying. It might mean she stops confiding in you both and make her feel she has nobody to talk to about the issues she has. She's obviously going through a rough time, don't make her feel isolated.

PlainP

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

I wouldn't tell her to stop calling and crying. It might mean she stops confiding in you both and make her feel she has nobody to talk to about the issues she has. She's obviously going through a rough time, don't make her feel isolated.

I agree with this. Your sister needs you and her family there for support. If she feels she can't talk to you she will get worse. You need to gently tell her that you think the relationship she is in (in your opinion) is not good for her.
Tell her your worried for her and want to help her in any way you can. If she stays with her boyfriend all you can do is just be there for her because the relationship won't last and she will need you more than ever when the house of cards eventually falls down.

username123

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

I wouldn't tell her to stop calling and crying. It might mean she stops confiding in you both and make her feel she has nobody to talk to about the issues she has. She's obviously going through a rough time, don't make her feel isolated.

I wont enable behaviour that I do not agree with. If the OPs sister actually realised that her behaviour was causing the OP such a level of upset that the OP was prepared to not take the calls anymore then she might realise how serious this issue actually is and the effects that her behaviour is having on her family.

The OP has specifically stated that she cant watch her sister do this anymore. It is a heartbreaking truth of life that sometimes someone chooses to do the worst thing they can do to themselves and the people they love are left to stand by watching. It is not helpful to enable such a thing - IMO. If you disagree with something that someone is doing to the point that it is causing you upset you should reflect this by giving a consequence to the persons behaviour.

Being in "bad" love is not really all that different to any other addiction. And similarly, in the OPs shoes, I would refuse to be involved while the relationship continues but would offer support if the sister walked away.

I might add that I grew up in a dysfunctional family where there was addiction so I tend to take a hard line on these things or any other issues where family are causing negative emotions.

Oryx

Sounds like her self esteem is in her boots, and this may be part of the reason she cant leave him. It may feel like he is all she has, bad and all as he is. Until she feels strong within herself, she wont be able to come out from under his shadow, and I do think you can help with that. Encourage positive steps, say things that boost her confidence. I know she has to do it herself, but help her see that there is a way out of this rut, by talking, listening, giving constructive advice on her life (not negative things about him).

This may sound daft, but needing her to help something in your family could be a lever to get her out and doing things, and get her around people who can give her a different perspective.

miamee

OP I can only assume that since you are at the end of your tether with this situation that you have already tried the listening ear, gentle coaxing, shoulder to cry on approach and absolutely nothing has changed.

As others have suggested it might be time to tell her that you will be there for her no matter what but you are not going to waste your time listening to her crying repeatedly about something that she is not willing to change. She can talk about anything else in the world to you, just not that until she has decided to change something.

You know your sister well enough to know how she will take this or if it might be too hard on her. In my family we are very blunt about things though thankfully, none of my sisters have been in this type of situation so I'm really not sure how I would handle it in reality. Best of luck OP, I hope she listens to sense soon