Is he just using me?

LegacyUser

Ok long story short, I was in a 10 year relationship until recently. Basically what happened was things just weren’t right in my relationship for awhile, we talked about it and even gave it another go, but eventually I decided to end the relationship.

Towards the end of my relationship however, I met another man and we got on incredibly well together (as friends). As it happened, our families already knew each other through mutual friends and he had met my family before I even met him.

I explained to him about my relationship and that I didn’t see a future in it anymore and that I was going to break up etc. He was so supportive as he had been through it before and helped me through it.

As time went on we grew close, we both realised we had feelings for each other and he completely blew me away and made me feel the happiest I’ve been in such a long time. He told me that we bumped into each other for a reason, that we were meant to be together , that he wishes he was going out with me and would love to be with me permanently and that he knew that I would be happiest with him.
He said that I could be ‘the one’ for him and that he couldn’t imagine being happy without me in his life and that he needed me in his life. Telling me that he was mad about me, his friends & family telling me that he was mad about me. He would send me silly joke messages, romantic messages and we would just talk for hours. We have the same birth sign, same age (mid 20’s) same interests and hobbies , same silly sense of humour and we never run out of conversation and always have the best of fun and I am a new person since meeting him.

I told him that I wasn’t planning on starting a relationship with anyone else straight away as I needed time to get over things and he said he respected that, as he didn’t want to be a replacement. He said that he wasn’t looking for a relationship straight away either and was happy with us texting and just meeting up whenever we could . We live in different counties, a considerable distance from each other and with my work schedule it is difficult for me to travel to meet him, so I never really know when I’ll see him next and he does not drive, so it’s hard not seeing each other more often.

I was recently invited to a member of his family’s birthday party. At the time, I told him that it didn’t suit me to go and he replied that he hoped I would go, that he wanted me to go because I was important to him and that he wouldn’t enjoy it if I wasn’t there and that he hoped that I wouldn’t let him down. I was nervous because it meant meeting his entire family for the first time. But I didn’t want to let him down and I was missing him loads aswell, so I made arrangements and attended. We had a great night and I got on well with everyone. Afterwards he told me that his family love me and are hoping that we will become an actual couple and they keep telling him to ‘look after her’ and that they have never seen him so happy with anyone before and that I was the best he has ever been with and that we looked like the couple every other couple tries to be..

The following week I invited him to visit me, rather than me always travelling to visit him. So after much chat back and forth about it, he eventually agreed and text ‘feckit, life’s too short, i’ll go down to you’ and we arranged transport for him to visit me. I didn’t think much of the message at the time, was just glad he was coming to see me.

Then on his way down to visit me, he text whilst he was on the train and said that he hoped I appreciated him visiting me because he had to make an effort.. but that I was worth it. I was kind of stunned by this message. All the times I went out of my way to see him and I’d never even think of saying something like that to him!!

Anyways, I did my best to make his visit as special as I could, getting in his favourite dessert and wine, drinks and treating him to dinner out and showed him the sights etc.. He hardly had to put his hand in his pocket for the whole weekend, I was just so excited and delighted to see him and have him in my house for the first time. We were having a good time but whilst we were on the way home from the local pub one night, we started talking and he basically said that I needed to get my act together and decide if I want him or not, because he doesn’t want to keep meeting me if it’s not going to go anywhere.

I was a bit shocked because I thought we were on the same page and we only talked about giving us a go, but taking baby steps as I was just out of a long term relationship and he said he didn’t want a relationship straight away either just less than 4 weeks before, so I just said that I know that it’s him I want but that I can’t just rush into another relationship, I need time. So we just left it and got on with things and enjoyed the rest of the weekend together.
That was 3 weeks ago and since then we have been chatting on the phone, email and text messages as normal, except, it now seems that the closer we are getting to each other, the more he has started to push me away...

In the beginning he said that we were meant to be, we bumped into each other for a reason and that I’d be happiest if I was with him and that we should be together – now that he has the chance to be with me, he’s changed, telling me he’ll be nothing like what I had in my last relationship, that he mightn’t be what I want, that I might never want him and that he’d be holding me back from my goals because I’m so educated and he left school early and he don’t have a job and hasn’t really got much, saying to me that he never thought that someone like him would ever meet someone like me. Almost as if I was out of his league.

He started asking me why I like him, asking how he makes me feel then telling me that his family were asking if we are together now or what’s the story and he didn’t know what to say. I said to him that I thought he didn’t want a relationship yet and then he said he did, but said he didn’t to spare my feelings!? So i just said to him that if he wants to spare my feelings, to just tell me the truth.

Then last weekend, he called me late at night telling me he was after being in a fight (I told him before that I hated fighting and he said he wasn’t into it at all) so I talked with him for a while and the next morning he called me to talk about what happened. H e was so angry and not himself at all. I asked him if he wanted me to be with him, I could make arrangements and be there for him in a few hours. He just said, ‘do what you want. I don’t care if you do or not’. I was numbed by this and was so close to just telling him to forget us altogether.. but I knew in my heart that he didn’t mean it and I decided I was going to be there for him and anyways I was so worried about him that I had to get there and make sure he was ok.

So I gathered a few bits and drove all the way to be with him. It was a little awkward seeing him at first, as I was angry about him fighting over something so stupid and then hurt after what he said to me, but I ignored those feelings and just gave him a hug. I spent 2 days with him and then had to return home to work.
Before I left for home, we had a long chat....

He really opened up to me and said that right now he can see himself being single for the rest of his life and he thinks that maybe he’s not the relationship type as he likes to just be with different people. He had texted me before when I was attending a party, saying that if someone else caught my eye there, to feel free.. I told him there was no way I would do that! That I haven’t and wouldn’t look at anyone else, that it was him that I wanted and think about all the time, no one else. That I’ve no interest in being with anyone else.

His response was that when he’s with someone, he’s faithful. But as we are not officially a couple, he is technically single and that if a pretty girl caught his eye that would go over and chat to her and maybe get a kiss.. it was like a dagger into my heart when he said that to me. How can he be telling me he’s mad about me, wants to be with me, sending me sweet messages everyday and then say that!!!!

He is very popular with the ladies and this makes me feel insecure. Especially when he said that when he’s with me, that no one else crosses his mind, he don’t be looking at anyone else. He is hooked on me. But because we live so far away and we don’t see each other often, I can’t help thinking that means when I’m not there, he’s looking and kissing anyone he can get, and maybe that’s why his family keep telling him to hold onto me, because they know what he’s like..

He also said he don’t believe in ‘the one’, but he previously said that I’d be ‘the one’ for him & he couldn’t see himself happy without me..

He said I am everything he wants, but he’s not sure that it’s what he needs..

He said that if it didn’t work between us that he would be able to forget me after a day or two, that he could just push me to the back of his mind, because that’s how he has trained himself after he was hurt so badly before. He was in a long term relationship before and is a father, but the relationship ended badly and he was very hurt and is very much scarred by this relationship and finds it almost impossible to trust another woman or let someone ‘in’. He is scared he will get hurt again and even though he likes the thought of being in a relationship at some point down the road.

He has been in relationships since his break up, so why is he confused over what he wants with me?

He told me that I made him feel things that he never felt before or thought even existed and showed him that he can trust someone again and that I was special to him and that he had hit the jackpot when he met me.
But that he wasn’t going to let me into his heart fully just yet because he couldn’t handle being hurt again if it didn’t work.

He makes me feel so happy, excited and I am a new person since meeting him and I am so considerate of him because I think the absolute world of him, if I see something small that I know he would love, i’ll buy it for him and send it to him or i’ll get him his favourite wine or send him credit when he’s stuck and do lots of little favours for him and drive him anywhere he wants to go and never look for anything in return, i do it out of the kindness of my heart.. but he hardly ever offers to pay for drinks/food etc and has never got me anything.. at all. Maybe I am just too quick with my wallet and he did say to me the other night not to be too considerate because he can’t always afford to get me back..

We know each other about three months now and I am absolutely crazy about this guy and would do anything for him but I am not sure now what he wants or that he even knows himself. All I can think of is that it’s clear to me that I care so much more for him than he does for me. I can’t help but think that maybe he’s just taking advantage of me, maybe I make him look good in front of his friends because Im a good person and have a good job and both he and his family tell me I am stunning, or maybe he’s just gone off me or maybe I’m just company for him until he meets someone better...

We are still texting and flirting with each other as normal, but now I am so confused and don’t know if I should just forget him altogether?? How can I start a relationship with him now when I feel like he will always be looking over my shoulder for something better to come along... Im feeling so low. I thought I hit the jackpot with him. Is he just playing me?

LegacyUser

id drop him like a hot potatoe hes a mind f*ck

newuser30

'he can see himself being single for the rest of his life and he thinks that maybe he’s not the relationship type as he likes to just be with different people.'

'if a pretty girl caught his eye that would go over and chat to her and maybe get a kiss'

'He said that if it didn’t work between us that he would be able to forget me after a day or two'

And there's more examples but eh..how many other ways can he tell you he doesn't want a relationship with you?

He's just playing with you because it's pretty obvious to him and to anyone reading this you will do whatever he wants. He won't commit to a relationship, but may want some kind of no strings friends with benefit situation if you allow it. Time to move on.

stargazer 68

newuser30 wrote: »

He's just playing with you because it's pretty obvious to him and to anyone reading this you will do whatever he wants. He won't commit to a relationship, but may want some kind of no strings friends with benefit situation if you allow it. Time to move on.

This!! Yes he is using you OP and you are letting him! Sorry but its time to move on - it will be difficult but this situation is not going to get any better.

wurzlitzer

Sorry OP sounds like I could have been me that had written huge chunks of that post.

He likes companionship, but does not want a relationship.
How come he has no money, is he on the dole? Not that it matters, you just mention that you seem to buy everything
If you live apart in different counties, where are you driving him too? Does he have kids too?

Sorry if I am asking too many questions, but something does not add up. He seems like he is confused. He going to wreck your head.

Does he make you feel good about yourself, or does he make you feel insecure? that is the real question you have to ask yourself

Lorna123

I got the impression from reading this that you were both just "friends" and hadn't committed to a relationship yet as you said you were still getting over your ex. So is this new man still waiting for you to commit or what ? I got the impression that he might be just threatening you with eying others as he is still single, because you still had not committed to him and if this is the case then why haven't you committed? Now if you have told him that want a committed relationship and he is now backing off then it is probably time for you to let him go.

PlainP

Lorna123 wrote: »

I got the impression from reading this that you were both just "friends" and hadn't committed to a relationship yet as you said you were still getting over your ex. So is this new man still waiting for you to commit or what ? I got the impression that he might be just threatening you with eying others as he is still single, because you still had not committed to him and if this is the case then why haven't you committed? Now if you have told him that want a committed relationship and he is now backing off then it is probably time for you to let him go.

This is exactly what I thought as well. You told him from the start that you wanted to take things slowly.
He could be game playing to try and find out where you stand with the relationship as you hadn't really given him a concrete yes to exclusivity.

daisybelle2008

God OP, I really cannot see the appeal. He is jobless, left school early, fights in the street, doesn't drive, lies to 'spare your feelings', is incredibly immature and tight andears to have little emotional development, but I suppose he is young.
Run for the hills, he is not capable of the kind of relationship you are trying to steer him into.
I don't think he is using you, he is a man/child who seems to not know his arse from his elbow. He rushed head first with you, and seems to be influenced in a very childlike way with comments from friends and family. He did probably feel that way, but now reality has hit and he is not on your level of maturity and responsibility and he probably feels completely out of his depth and a bit trapped especially by all the over the top stuff at the beginning.
Reality is ye didn't really know each other, now the cold light of day is dawning and he can see how incompatible you are. It is funny that you don't see that, but you do seem very needy and may be rebounding from your last relationship and want a soft landing into this one, despite what you say.
And please stop saying you will do anything for him, seriously this is not worth it. Your dignity will go down the toilet pretty fast with that attitude. The more needy and subservient you are the worse he will treat you.
Try to pull back, this is not what you have convinced yourself it is. He is realising that. Both of ye jumped the gun with the declarations and promises (him making them, you believing them) but it is easy get carried away with emotion in the early days.
Don't settle for this, it is going to get worse as long as you cling on.

Lorna123

AmIjustasillyfool wrote: »

Ok long story short, I was in a 10 year relationship until recently. Basically what happened was things just weren’t right in my relationship for awhile, we talked about it and even gave it another go, but eventually I decided to end the relationship.

Towards the end of my relationship however, I met another man and we got on incredibly well together (as friends). As it happened, our families already knew each other through mutual friends and he had met my family before I even met him.

I explained to him about my relationship and that I didn’t see a future in it anymore and that I was going to break up etc. He was so supportive as he had been through it before and helped me through it.

As time went on we grew close, we both realised we had feelings for each other and he completely blew me away and made me feel the happiest I’ve been in such a long time. He told me that we bumped into each other for a reason, that we were meant to be together , that he wishes he was going out with me and would love to be with me permanently and that he knew that I would be happiest with him.
He said that I could be ‘the one’ for him and that he couldn’t imagine being happy without me in his life and that he needed me in his life. Telling me that he was mad about me, his friends & family telling me that he was mad about me. He would send me silly joke messages, romantic messages and we would just talk for hours. We have the same birth sign, same age (mid 20’s) same interests and hobbies , same silly sense of humour and we never run out of conversation and always have the best of fun and I am a new person since meeting him.

I told him that I wasn’t planning on starting a relationship with anyone else straight away as I needed time to get over things and he said he respected that, as he didn’t want to be a replacement. He said that he wasn’t looking for a relationship straight away either and was happy with us texting and just meeting up whenever we could . We live in different counties, a considerable distance from each other and with my work schedule it is difficult for me to travel to meet him, so I never really know when I’ll see him next and he does not drive, so it’s hard not seeing each other more often.

I was recently invited to a member of his family’s birthday party. At the time, I told him that it didn’t suit me to go and he replied that he hoped I would go, that he wanted me to go because I was important to him and that he wouldn’t enjoy it if I wasn’t there and that he hoped that I wouldn’t let him down. I was nervous because it meant meeting his entire family for the first time. But I didn’t want to let him down and I was missing him loads aswell, so I made arrangements and attended. We had a great night and I got on well with everyone. Afterwards he told me that his family love me and are hoping that we will become an actual couple and they keep telling him to ‘look after her’ and that they have never seen him so happy with anyone before and that I was the best he has ever been with and that we looked like the couple every other couple tries to be..

The following week I invited him to visit me, rather than me always travelling to visit him. So after much chat back and forth about it, he eventually agreed and text ‘feckit, life’s too short, i’ll go down to you’ and we arranged transport for him to visit me. I didn’t think much of the message at the time, was just glad he was coming to see me.

Then on his way down to visit me, he text whilst he was on the train and said that he hoped I appreciated him visiting me because he had to make an effort.. but that I was worth it. I was kind of stunned by this message. All the times I went out of my way to see him and I’d never even think of saying something like that to him!!

Anyways, I did my best to make his visit as special as I could, getting in his favourite dessert and wine, drinks and treating him to dinner out and showed him the sights etc.. He hardly had to put his hand in his pocket for the whole weekend, I was just so excited and delighted to see him and have him in my house for the first time. We were having a good time but whilst we were on the way home from the local pub one night, we started talking and he basically said that I needed to get my act together and decide if I want him or not, because he doesn’t want to keep meeting me if it’s not going to go anywhere.

I was a bit shocked because I thought we were on the same page and we only talked about giving us a go, but taking baby steps as I was just out of a long term relationship and he said he didn’t want a relationship straight away either just less than 4 weeks before, so I just said that I know that it’s him I want but that I can’t just rush into another relationship, I need time. So we just left it and got on with things and enjoyed the rest of the weekend together.
That was 3 weeks ago and since then we have been chatting on the phone, email and text messages as normal, except, it now seems that the closer we are getting to each other, the more he has started to push me away...

In the beginning he said that we were meant to be, we bumped into each other for a reason and that I’d be happiest if I was with him and that we should be together – now that he has the chance to be with me, he’s changed, telling me he’ll be nothing like what I had in my last relationship, that he mightn’t be what I want, that I might never want him and that he’d be holding me back from my goals because I’m so educated and he left school early and he don’t have a job and hasn’t really got much, saying to me that he never thought that someone like him would ever meet someone like me. Almost as if I was out of his league.

He started asking me why I like him, asking how he makes me feel then telling me that his family were asking if we are together now or what’s the story and he didn’t know what to say. I said to him that I thought he didn’t want a relationship yet and then he said he did, but said he didn’t to spare my feelings!? So i just said to him that if he wants to spare my feelings, to just tell me the truth.

Then last weekend, he called me late at night telling me he was after being in a fight (I told him before that I hated fighting and he said he wasn’t into it at all) so I talked with him for a while and the next morning he called me to talk about what happened. H e was so angry and not himself at all. I asked him if he wanted me to be with him, I could make arrangements and be there for him in a few hours. He just said, ‘do what you want. I don’t care if you do or not’. I was numbed by this and was so close to just telling him to forget us altogether.. but I knew in my heart that he didn’t mean it and I decided I was going to be there for him and anyways I was so worried about him that I had to get there and make sure he was ok.

So I gathered a few bits and drove all the way to be with him. It was a little awkward seeing him at first, as I was angry about him fighting over something so stupid and then hurt after what he said to me, but I ignored those feelings and just gave him a hug. I spent 2 days with him and then had to return home to work.
Before I left for home, we had a long chat....

He really opened up to me and said that right now he can see himself being single for the rest of his life and he thinks that maybe he’s not the relationship type as he likes to just be with different people. He had texted me before when I was attending a party, saying that if someone else caught my eye there, to feel free.. I told him there was no way I would do that! That I haven’t and wouldn’t look at anyone else, that it was him that I wanted and think about all the time, no one else. That I’ve no interest in being with anyone else.

His response was that when he’s with someone, he’s faithful. But as we are not officially a couple, he is technically single and that if a pretty girl caught his eye that would go over and chat to her and maybe get a kiss.. it was like a dagger into my heart when he said that to me. How can he be telling me he’s mad about me, wants to be with me, sending me sweet messages everyday and then say that!!!!

He is very popular with the ladies and this makes me feel insecure. Especially when he said that when he’s with me, that no one else crosses his mind, he don’t be looking at anyone else. He is hooked on me. But because we live so far away and we don’t see each other often, I can’t help thinking that means when I’m not there, he’s looking and kissing anyone he can get, and maybe that’s why his family keep telling him to hold onto me, because they know what he’s like..

He also said he don’t believe in ‘the one’, but he previously said that I’d be ‘the one’ for him & he couldn’t see himself happy without me..

He said I am everything he wants, but he’s not sure that it’s what he needs..

He said that if it didn’t work between us that he would be able to forget me after a day or two, that he could just push me to the back of his mind, because that’s how he has trained himself after he was hurt so badly before. He was in a long term relationship before and is a father, but the relationship ended badly and he was very hurt and is very much scarred by this relationship and finds it almost impossible to trust another woman or let someone ‘in’. He is scared he will get hurt again and even though he likes the thought of being in a relationship at some point down the road.

He has been in relationships since his break up, so why is he confused over what he wants with me?

He told me that I made him feel things that he never felt before or thought even existed and showed him that he can trust someone again and that I was special to him and that he had hit the jackpot when he met me.
But that he wasn’t going to let me into his heart fully just yet because he couldn’t handle being hurt again if it didn’t work.

He makes me feel so happy, excited and I am a new person since meeting him and I am so considerate of him because I think the absolute world of him, if I see something small that I know he would love, i’ll buy it for him and send it to him or i’ll get him his favourite wine or send him credit when he’s stuck and do lots of little favours for him and drive him anywhere he wants to go and never look for anything in return, i do it out of the kindness of my heart.. but he hardly ever offers to pay for drinks/food etc and has never got me anything.. at all. Maybe I am just too quick with my wallet and he did say to me the other night not to be too considerate because he can’t always afford to get me back..

We know each other about three months now and I am absolutely crazy about this guy and would do anything for him but I am not sure now what he wants or that he even knows himself. All I can think of is that it’s clear to me that I care so much more for him than he does for me. I can’t help but think that maybe he’s just taking advantage of me, maybe I make him look good in front of his friends because Im a good person and have a good job and both he and his family tell me I am stunning, or maybe he’s just gone off me or maybe I’m just company for him until he meets someone better...

We are still texting and flirting with each other as normal, but now I am so confused and don’t know if I should just forget him altogether?? How can I start a relationship with him now when I feel like he will always be looking over my shoulder for something better to come along... Im feeling so low. I thought I hit the jackpot with him. Is he just playing me?

Read all of this again, and I still feel that if you have not committed to him that this is why he is saying stuff like this to you.

When he invited you to his family party you told him that it didn't suit you to go but in the end you went and then you were surprised that when you invited him to your house that he said more or less the same thing to you, i.e. that he had to make an effort to go but did so because you were worth it.

He comes across to me like he is trying to save face because he thinks you don't want a relationship with him.

If you have told him that now you do want a relationship with him and I have missed that well then I am a bit confused as to why he is taking back things he said initially.

He is acting like he is fed up waiting for the commitment and is saying things to try and save face in case you don't feel the same as he does.

Have you actually told him that you are now ready for a relationship with him?

wurzlitzer

I don't think he is trying to save face, from his actions I think he is one of those guys that get a girl whisked off her feet. Then once the girl is hooked, freaks out then wants out of the relationship or becomes confused as what he really wants. Or he realises that now once the girl is hooked, he starts to feel guilty that his feelings are not the same and starts the usual, I don't know if I can do relationships, think I am meant to be single, or I am too selfish ( as I have been hurt before etc I protect myself) bla bla I don't think that I can commit.

He has wooed her, then she falls for him now he feels overwhelmed by this.

This guy may be a player too, good with the ladies. Not sure but sounds he loves thrill of chase stuff.
When he said he would be over her in a jiffy if she broke it off in the morning, sounds like he is always looking out for number one.
He's the type that always has one eye looking at the menu.

Guys who profess that you are one, its fate we were meant to be etc then bail when things start to turn into less of a romantic scenario & more grown up are what you call future fakers It is very unfair to do this, he knew she was in a ten year relationship, he pushed her to fall for him, what for to prove that he could do it. Yes they get on great in the first spring of love, but now he has planted seeds of doubt they both are now questioning the relationship.

The OP sounds like she was being cautious, but she has demonstrated to him that she really likes him he realises the chase is over, that she maybe too good for him is having a crisis of confidence & wants out coz he is incapable of committing.

His had one bad experience in a previous relationship, has had relationships since, bet you he ended them all, said he was not in love with them

Why coz he was not feeling it, & compared them all to the bad relationship, and any behaviours displayed by subsequent girlfriends like love, make him run for the hills as it may mean that he needs to put an effort in, which reminds him of the failed relationship where the effort it put in did not bear fruit, he may be a lazy lover.

Not sure OP what you should do maybe have an open chat with about where he sees the relationship really going.

It should be a little bit of fun the first three months.

something similar happened me but it was after a year he started to freak, but for seven months it was great crack. He kept telling me we were so alike (all the time) etc that the day he found me was a fateful day ( after 2 weeks) that I had his heart( after 4 months). But once I fell for him, he could not commit bottom line.

OP does he make you feel good about yourself, coz if he does n't he makes you feel insecure then I would if I were you ask him what's going on. It should not be hard at the beginning

DaisyD2

OP in addition to a couple of very good posts above I'll add one thing....

Sometimes, regardless even of the strongest attractions & best will in the world, relationships simply don't happen because you are not IN the same place AT the same time in your lives.

By that I don't just mean actually in same spot, you say you're in different counties so there is a physical difference to negotiate but bigger than this imo is where you are both AT in your lives.

You sound like you are living away from family so I presume you rent/mortgage your home. The reality of you being far advanced in terms of practicalities - job, bills, car, etc - looking to others like you're "sorted " especially as you in your mid 20s could be a huge wake up call to a guy in mid 20s out of work (is he actively looking? Reskilling to get available jobs or using the leaving school early/theres nothing out there excuses?), does he live at home? If he does (live home) is he contributing towards household? Monetarily or in any other way? No answers to any of these would be huge red flags to me.

I disagree with another poster who said you saying it didn't suit to go to a party of his (again, you work, had to travel to it, the expense etc) does not compare to his "feck it, ok, I'll get train to you but I hope you know how much its putting me out of my busy schedule of doing nothing today" comment.

He may have been swept up in romance of initial contact. You were both just out of LTRs & needed space but distance is your biggest foe here. Yes, long distance can work but it requires two mature adults who don't play mind games like "well I'll snog & fight who I like cos your not here", to make it work.

You're still young, you're still healing from a 10yr break up & rightly wanted to take it slow but think on what You Want. He maybe helped coat over the pain of that breakup but making comments that make you feel insecure in yourself is not a healthy relationship to invest in especially after such a short period of time.

Good luck

Da Shins Kelly

I think he's confused about where he stands with you and is trying to force your hand.