Overcoming fear problems

LegacyUser

Hi,
Just wondering has anyone any experience in overcoming this issue. If so , what did you do, was a self help book enough, or did you go to a therapist.

I have some very odd fear problems, they manifest themselves in strange ways. I get the impression that this can be very confusing for people because for the most part I am so social, self confident and really love life.

Ill make a list of situations that ignite fear...

- was working with a girl for months, we got on really really well, we eventually hooked up and both declared to each other how we hadn't liked someone else this much in ages. Roll on a few weeks and things get cold, not sure why, I start showing signs of fear and not being myself. Then the first time we met after finishing I was visibly shaking, this spurred on avoidance and more fear, it took 6 months before I was finally able to be myself around her again. I was really hurt, but tbh, the fear was bothering me more.

- I fear sex, I can spend the night with a women and have all the types of fun 2 people can have, but once things really heaten up and it looks like we may have sex, I feel panic setting in. This makes me avoid sex.

- Me and my boss got on really well since I started my job, I could tell he liked my confidence and enthusiasm. At times I even had the nerve to suggest better ways of doing things even though I was there just a few months. Roll on a few months and he asked me to read something out for him (he was on the phone) after he gave out to me about something small. I practically had a panic attack, I could barely get the words out, Im not sure did he notice, he must have, this only happened recently, and a few days ago he walked into me just to ask me about something work wise, and again, I could barely get a word out (only because of the last incident). Im hoping this doesnt develop into something huge, I purposely try and communicate with him since to expose myself to the fear. But even before this started, Ive always had problems with small things and bosses, I find it difficult to ask for a day off, or anything not to do with work that seems more confrontationy.

- public speaking is not just "being nervous" for me, its a full blown panic attack.

- telling a story and I realize everyone's suddenly paying attention me, I panic and can barely finish the story.

- If Im demonstrating something for work and attention is on my hands, panic sets in they get so shaky I can barely complete the job, sometimes even if im writing something with a pen it can happen.

- confronting a good friend about something small can often induce panic.

- interviews, I dont know if I could do an interview the way I am at the moment. I honestly think I would have to walk out 2 or 3 minutes into it.


The weird part is none of the above is consistent, if Im incredibly relaxed this stuff can be a non issue, completely. Im also very very sociable and can ironically be very very confident at times. The reason I attracted that girl in work in the first place is because she saw that confidence so much.

All those issues seem to be performanced based, and they all have a level of genuine panic involved, as in, I can barely talk and even my vision gets blurry.

If anyone can recommend a good book, or even whether you went to a therapist or not, and how it worked out for you, that would be great. (I know you cant recommend therapists).

I really want this issue in my life to end for good. Its debilitating me in ways I couldn't have imagined. I avoid very simple and very enjoyable things in life because of this. The tinyest of things seem huge to me.

Roisy7

OP it sounds like you have some severe anxiety issues. I can't pretend to know why or how, but I think you should go to your GP or a counsellor/therapist to deal with it. I suffer from anxiety myself and found counselling good, but my anxiety is a lot milder than yours.

The best of luck OP, you don't have to live like this

LegacyUser

Counselling, self help, meditation, yoga, excercise and facing your fears all help. Some people just try to deal with public speaking by joining the likes of toastmasters, but these issues tend to be deeprooted.

There is an underlying reason as to why you are anxious (generally this comes from a problem during your upbringing), counselling is the best idea. You need to figure out what this is (you probably already know) and address it suitably.

I can totally relate to your anxiety problems. I am almost certain your problem with speaking under pressure is simply due to how you breath when you panic. You are probably breathing shallowly into your chest. I suffered this terribly and spent years wondering why I couldn't get the words out or even get air into my lungs properly in these situations. You can slowly train yourself to be more calm and breath more deeply into your abdomen (note this is also what good singers do ).

Dedicate at least 1-2 hours everyday to improving yourself in the ways listed above.

I am like a different person 6 months into my own self development project, I intend on continuing this effort for at least 6 months and will take meaningful time out to just look after myself for the rest of my life. I was a complete wreck, people thought I was just socially awkward (though academically excellent, which is another symptom of anxiety), there is no need to go into my personal details but I cut the bad stuff out and now I'm a much more relaxed person, still a bit shy but capable of addressing this properly and a hundred times braver than before, much happier and have even found my first proper girlfriend. (note I'm 23- you dont need to be a kid to turn these things around )

The process is slow but it works if you really are honest to yourself and try your best.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies folks, I really appreciate it, Ive booked a day off next week, Im going to visit a doctor and see who they can recommend from there.
I do alot of mindfulness and meditation and as a result I enjoy and savior so much of my life, thats why this is so tough to take, it feels like a complete knock in everything Ive done when it happens. Its so contrasting to the usual chilled out guy I am.

That said , ive never actually done proper breathing excercises, (especially around the 'panicy' moments). I really want to get on top of this once and for all.

Roisy, your post was like a smack in the face, I seriously underestimated this issue until I read the words "severe anxiety issues". Its like I was trying too hard to ignore whats staring me in the face. You're right , it is severe, but Im very positive about how my plans to overcome this.

One big issue I have when Im trying to improve a problem of mine is that when I start to see slight improvement my motivation drops off thats why I need someone to make sure im getting this resolved correctly and once and for all.

jihuih, great honest post, thats given me alot of hope, I definitely need outside assistance.
I really dont know what the cause of it, I was never abused, or seriously mistreated as a child, however I have memories of being unhappy quite alot , even when I was very young, not sure why. Thankfully that part of me is gone, but the after effects are obviously still lingering.

Roisy7

Hey OP I'm glad you're getting help... I didn't mean to be harsh but as someone who gets anxious I've never had such intense episodes as you have had.

Mindfulness and breathing exercises are brilliant, keep it up.

I expect you've already gone to the doc at this stage, I hope it went well and best wishes for the future