should i leave

LegacyUser

ill keep this short and sweet

been with girlfriend now for 4 years
have known her all my life
live together over a year and had a baby 6 months ago,

there doesnt seem to be any love between us anymore,
weve had sex once in 4 months and before preganancy maybe once a month at most.
we are civil towards each other.

we rarely go out with each other,
where just two different people.



weve talked about it loads of times but always falls back to the same rythm again.

if it wasnt for the baby i wouldnt be with her,
and the feeling must be mutual.

do i stay in this for babys sake and be miserable my whole life or leave now.
iv been struggling with this for a while.

i have cheated with an ex of mine on a drunken mistake not so long ago.

im thinking subconciously i meant to do it.

after i did that i made a real effort to fix things in our relationship again but now i just feel the same again.

trapped,bored in a loveless relationship.

any advice ?
thanks

Swampy

Hit the road. Sounds like you have nothing left to give your wife.

Edit: I don't mean that in a mean way but if it's over it's over.

MissFlitworth

I always thought the first year of a baby's life was a sure fire tough patch for most couples, there's an awful lot to get used to and a lot of change. You mention only having sex once in the last 4 months, fairly standard post giving birth I think?

When you have a kid with someone you kinda make a commitment to try make a serious go of it with them as a family, not to leave when the kid is 6 months old. Relationships end & if yours is over it's over but to me it seems like you both have a responsibility to try and make it work so that one of you doesn't end up a single parent if there's a way around that. You say you have spoken about the issues in your relationship, have you tried counselling or mediation to thrash out the issues between you? I wouldn't personally do what you're thinking of doing without giving fixing the relationship a serious shot (and not a half hearted pretend shot so that you can feel better about leaving)

Nymeria

To be fair she has only given birth a few months ago, she is probably exhausted, trying to adjust to life with a young baby and looking for support. Are you helping out with the baby? doing night feeds? giving her time to rest etc?

If not then her resentment towards you could be the reason things aren't the same. A young baby needs so much care and attention, you can't expect things to just go back to the way they were in such a short time.

It sounds like things have been bad for a while, but cheating on her is not the answer. If you don't feel the relationship is going anywhere then leave her to find someone else. She deserves better than to be someone's safety net.

CaraMay

You have cheated on your partner and mother of your newborn? I would leave if I were you as that's about as low as you can get.

There are plenty of guys who would be willing and happy to step in to your shoes so I think you should set her free to meet someone who will love and respect her.

Zirconia

Listen OP, it's a disaster for both of you. Don't go down the road of "staying together for the sake of the child", a failed relationship where both parents are miserable but "making a go of it anyway" is bad for everyone including the child.

Make a clean break of it but make sure you look after your child and make sure you are part of their life, but apart from that you and your partner should get on with leading separate lives. With a little luck you'll both be happier for it and your child will reap the benefits too.

December2012

Your first thought should not be to leave, it should be to make an appointment with a relationship counsellor.

Whether or not your relationship survives, and it still could, you will be part of each others lives forever.

You owe it to her and your child to work properly at the relationship, and to see it for what it is.

The first few months of parenthood are so tough on a relationship.

Get yourself checked for stds as well after cheating.

I don't think it was good of you to do that.

ahnow

Op, time for a wake-up call. Your other half has just had a baby. You rarely go out together? You have a six month old, who is a full time job, she's probably exhausted. Youre rarely having sex? Cop on, new born baby.
Did you think having a baby was going to be easy? She needs your support and patience now, her hormones are probably all over the place, you both need to take time to adjust to this, and support each other.
I honesty have to say thinking of leaving the mother of your child after only six months of having the baby? And having cheated on her on top of that? You need a serious wake up call. Do you want to lumber her with the baby while you go and live the single life? Support her, do the right thing, work on it together, and if its not right in a couple of years, after you've really given it a shot then go from there. Because thinking of leaving her now is the easy and cowards way out. Really bad business op. Another idea is maybe dont cheat on her.

Chara1001

I'm going to echo what a lot of other posters have said.

Op, you need to be sure- really really sure.
Having sex once in four months post birth isn't all that odd to me, however, your post isn't really about that.
You say that there doesn't seem to be any love between you anymore, when did you start to notice this? I ask because pregnancy and post birth feelings are very turbulent, if everything was ok before she got pregnant, this could be temporary. You both also need to try counselling if you haven't already because if you split, you should split properly but stay amicable, not have an on/ off unstable relationship during the baby's formative years.

As for not going out together?? that has no bearing on anything- with a 6 month old child you can't go out... complaining about that is nonsense.

Take your minor complaints about sex, going out, two different people... etc etc out of it, they're just silly excuses for some serious bad behavior and approach this differently. Look at yourself and YOUR role in all this- don't just fall into bed with your exes because you suspect you secretly want to be found out.

I also believe that staying together for the sake of the baby is not a good idea and doesn't make for a happy household. I became a single mother when my baby was 6 weeks old, and it was heartbreaking but now i can see it was the right thing in MY case. But you need to find out for yourself.

DeltaWhite

The only people that can help you in this situation is yourself and your OH. I have to say I feel so sorry for your OH. A new baby, shes probably exhausted and still adjusting to becoming a mother and maybe doesn't feel as attractive as she was pre birth. That doesn't mean you go running when things get tough. You can't run away from problems as they have this funny way of getting progressively worse when you ignore them.

You say you've spoken about the problems before, what exactly did you talk about?

In response to your question: should I leave?
My opinion would be no, work on things, don't just up and leave when things look rough. Challenge yourself to fix this and maintain the relationship you have.

Other opinion is, if you have pretty much given up then don't waste anymore of your OH's time, especially when you casually cheated on her. Have to say I have zero respect for men or women who do that but that's not the issue here!

ABajaninCork

Sounds to me as though his mind's already made up. All the OP's doing is looking for validation...

I don't think he's going to give counselling a serious shot. If he was, he wouldn't have posted. I'm happy to be proved wrong though.

OP - I think you're better off going. You've behaved in an insensitive, selfish and immature way. Nowhere in your OP do you mention trying to understand and help your partner. The baby's only mentioned in passing. TBH, I don't think you were ready for parenthood. No matter - the baby's here now. You have to man up and deal with the case.

Fix up, look sharp. Make suitable arrangements for access, and pay maintenance for the baby. The child's YOUR bag until s/he turns 18.

I'd let the poor cow go. She deserves MUCH better. So does your child.

BraziliaNZ

Why is everyone giving him stick? He's not happy at all with her. Yes there's a new baby, but he can still manage to support that without being with the girl.
OP if you really think there's no hope for you two, yes, you should leave, you wouldn't have cheated and you wouldn't be thinking these things if there was any hope, in my opinion. Not a nice situation to be in for either of you, but do what you have to do and it can work out ok in the end.

DeltaWhite

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Why is everyone giving him stick? He's not happy at all with her. Yes there's a new baby, but he can still manage to support that without being with the girl.
OP if you really think there's no hope for you two, yes, you should leave, you wouldn't have cheated and you wouldn't be thinking these things if there was any hope, in my opinion. Not a nice situation to be in for either of you, but do what you have to do and it can work out ok in the end.

Yeah he may not be happy with her but that doesn't justify cheating on her, if you're not happy with someone have a set of b@lls and tell them, it's as simple as that.

BraziliaNZ

DeltaWhite wrote: »

Yeah he may not be happy with her but that doesn't justify cheating on her, if you're not happy with someone have a set of b@lls and tell them, it's as simple as that.

Well he did and now he has to move on, no point dwelling on that is there?

maria34

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Why is everyone giving him stick? He's not happy at all with her. Yes there's a new baby, but he can still manage to support that without being with the girl.
OP if you really think there's no hope for you two, yes, you should leave, you wouldn't have cheated and you wouldn't be thinking these things if there was any hope, in my opinion. Not a nice situation to be in for either of you, but do what you have to do and it can work out ok in the end.

how the OP can manage support his babys mum without being with her? he has not done it while being with her so how that will change now guys?

he just left her at home with the baby (couldnt get any sex seriously how old is he?) and went to cheat. if there was a problem (sex, no love) he should talk with her! maybe they could change something together?

for me it looks like OP wants out and blames everything on his partner. she doesnt do this and that ...

grow a pair and deal with it like a man, not like a boy. talk with her. get help. u own it to your child.

daisybelle2008

Have people missed the bit where he said he has made a real effort and that he feels she is as unhappy and miserable as him?
OP I have been in a relationship where the love had died and it took a while to build up the courage to leave but it was the right decision, no amount of counseling was going to get that back. Thankfully there were no children involved, but to be honest that might have dragged a miserable scenario on longer than was good for anyone. This 'for the sake' of the child is a bit of a curve ball. I mean two happy separated but supportive and involved parents are better than two miserable individuals staying together for the sake of the child.

Your child is very young so this may be a good time to make a break, if both of you can make it work and separate amicably.
OP you know in your heart when it is over and there is no going back, be honest when and if you are at that point. In other words you know in your heart if it is over and if there is no saving, if you are at that point I would not stay in a loveless relationship because there is a child as I don't believe you can be a good parent and set a good example living a lie and pretending daddy loves mummy and vice versa. That's a sham and no child or parent deserves that. I have seen plenty of parents make separations work and end up in happier relationships and the kids have richer happier lives as well.

ElleEm

I think people are being overly harsh on the OP.

In his post, he said that they had sex about once a month BEFORE the baby was born too, so it doesn't seem like it was all rosey pre- baby.

OP, you have stated that you are in a loveless relationship, and that you are your girlfriend are "civil" to each other. Do you think that this is a good example of "romantic love" to set your baby? You need to sit down, and have a very long and HONEST conversation with your girlfriend. Chances are she feels the same and wants something to change too, whether that is going to counselling or splitting up.

Having a baby is very stressful for both parents, and can put a strain on the strongest of relationships. This does NOT give you the right to cheat on your girlfriend. It is a dispicable thing to have done.

If you haven't already, you should seek gaurdianship of your child while things are still "civil" between you and your girlfriend. She could make it tough for you to get basic rights to your child. Nothing should come between the relationship between you and your child. If you intend on splitting up, then you need to put a plan in place so that your little one is not affected.

fungun

i never understand why people in difficult relationships decide to have a baby. Its difficult enough in a good relationship.

This decision would have been a lot more straightforward before the baby. However having gone this far, my opinion would be to stick in there for a bit longer until some semblance of reality returns (note - not the same normality you had before!) and then see if you can deal with your relationship issues. If at that point it doesnt work, at least you have given it your best shot and you can move on knowing you did give it your best shot

F

sReq | uTeK

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Why is everyone giving him stick? He's not happy at all with her. Yes there's a new baby, but he can still manage to support that without being with the girl.
OP if you really think there's no hope for you two, yes, you should leave, you wouldn't have cheated and you wouldn't be thinking these things if there was any hope, in my opinion. Not a nice situation to be in for either of you, but do what you have to do and it can work out ok in the end.

Ridiculous, without passing the burden onto someone else, he won't be able.

I have a 4 month old, who is the best in the world, RARELY cries, sleeps 12 hours with 1 night feed and believe me, I don't know how my missus does the 9-5, it's EXHAUSTING.

I do every night feed, and the feed before bed, my missus is shattered, baby, house work, etc etc. Her mum chips in and we're still tired,

Leaving this girl now with a 6 month old child because he's not happy ? GROW A PAIR, you're the father of this child, you were happy enough to leave your micky in when it suited you, deal with the responsibilities for a while longer.

No one is saying you have to stay around forever, but your partner has just had a child, give her some time, 6 months is not enough to get over the birth and stress of a new born, I would wait 6 months and see what happens, by that time baby and mum should be accustomed to this new life and you may reap the rewards.

GIVE IT A BIT MORE TIME, but in that time make an effort, 6 months more is not going to kill you.

LegacyUser

op here

thanks for all different opinions.

couple of points

have suggested counselling but the idea was laughed off.

girlfriend will never admit she is wrong and has never in all my years of knowing her.

should not have cheated i know and not proud but it happened.

for the person who thinks we had the baby to fix a relationship?
it was unplanned and a surprise to us both.

some are accusing me of being a bad father when not even having information to hand about what i do around house.

as i said in first post i dont want to go into too much detail i was just looking for some diffferent opinions which i have received.

thanks to the supportive ones

some opinions were harsh enough but ill take it all on board

thanks

--LOS--

everyones telling him to stay with her? really? The relationship sounds over to me, they both seem to think so too, so now there's a baby involved so they have to stay together, who is that helping, he has cheated on his gf already, she doesn't deserve that, he is clearly not commited to the relationship anymore so that is only going to bring more problems. Just leave OP for everyones sake, you can still support the child.

Sarz91

I have had a few friends in the same situation. Some stayed with their partner for the kids sake some didn't. From what I've seen the kids whose parents are no longer together seem much happier and it makes sense that they would be. Ok, ye you won't live together but, at least if it's mutual, you'll both be happier. Raising a kid in an unhappy environment isn't good thing. At least when you spend time with the child you'll both be happy.

I'm not saying don't support your childs mother but don't stay if neither of you are happy.