Coping with Loss

Motley Crue

Ten years ago I met a girl and fell in love. As time went on we grew closer and closer, going through the usual steps, before we found ourselves living together and moving around together from place to place. In Sep 2011 we got engaged and, frankly, everything seemed perfect.

But life wasn't always as rosy as I'd taught it was (maybe it was my fault for never asking or her fault for never complaining or both our faults for never telling the other) and a rather simple argument led to a spiral of events that, within 2 weeks, saw the relationship end very badly. Our last move had been in line with her job (I'd left mine at the time in support of the move) and since the rent was in her name I was forcibly evicted - from my own home - by the Police one night. We split on the Saturday and she threw me out on the Tuesday, assuring me that whatever happened, there would be enough time for me to find a new flat and leave with my dignity.

I should also mention we were living in the UK, removed from friends and family and not in the position of simply "sleeping on someone's couch" or going home to my parent's for a few weeks.

Through the support of my job, my parents and strangers I found the opportunity to return to the UK within a fortnight and resume work with a new address/residence/independence. It was so difficult to sort out paperwork at first and a lot of my stuff had been disposed of in the interim, this was all dealt with through the relevant authorities of course, but it didn't take away the initial shock and loss. For the first time in my life, shamefully, I had to do things on my own and for myself....

That was about six months ago. Since then I've been living month to month and attempting to rebuild my life. It's been small steps and there's been a lot of work done in trying to be a better person for myself and live on my terms and think singularly as opposed to a couple. Money is always tight and I don't always have room for the luxuries but some months are better than others and I also try and get home and see my parents when I can - for moral support.

The reason I'm writing here is because I'm having real trouble coping with the basic human loss of my ex - and not because I realize that her actions were horrible and undignified, but because I now feel left alone. In the immediate aftermath of what happened I made a choice to stay in the country and continue my job, if for nothing else to retain some of my life, not to feel as if the last several years had been for nothing. I don't regret that choice but I do feel like part of me is gone. I experience loneliness and while I do my best to socialize, limited financial means hinder this. I look for other work of course.

You see, when we lived together, we traveled everywhere and did everything together. I think back to anything I've done over the last 10 years and it's been with her. My life has been so embedded with one person that for it to end has been an incredible shock to my system. Even six months later and I'm not sure I'm coping.

My emotions are up and down, sometimes I feel suicidal and other times I just feel deflated - on other days I feel like nothing matters except moving forward and those days seem to be getting more frequent, but I'm almost afraid to let the idea of my past life go, I'm almost afraid if I forget about it and ignore it then it didn't happen, yet I don't want to remember her in everything I did, even if I don't believe the person who threw me onto the street is the same person I fell in love with and asked to marry.

I'm finding it hard to cope with loss and if anyone here has a similar story or can share some words for me, or just tell me I'm an idiot (maybe) then I'd be happy to hear it. Thanks.

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Hi Motley Crue,
I can identify with how you're feeling. I was in a long term relationship from my teens and found myself mid-twenties and completely lost on my own. It was really tough for a year or so but gradually I got my life back. My motto at the time was "one foot in front of the other." Sometimes that's all you can do and hold on to the knowledge that it really does get better (cliche I know but true). Don't be too hard on yourself. I look back now glad that the relationship ended due to all the experiences I've had since. I was too dependent on my partner and the skills I've learned since I wouldn't change for the world.
Best of luck!

Challo

I'm really sorry to hear your story.

Don't be too hard on yourself; you were together ten years and only broke up six months ago. And it sounds like a massive shock, completely out of the blue. So it's gonna take a while to get back to having your own identity again. Be good to yourself, take it slow and make little but steady plans for things to look forward to, new things to try.

A break up like that is the same as someone dying. You need time to grieve and move on. And that grief will go through stages like a death. Psycho-babble maybe, but it's true. All the plans you both had, all that you thought would happen over the next years has been wrecked.

Fair play for choosing to stay on in the UK, you're right; you had your life built up there and while it's not with your ex anymore, it still is your life.

Also, it's probably hard at the moment but I don't think it's about erasing memories of your ex. You'll hopefully get to that point in the future that you can think of good times you had together and leave it at that. While no-where near as crappy as your experience, an ex of mine behaved so terribly when we ended, I couldn't believe he was the same person I'd been in a relationship with and questioned everything we had. But two years later for me, I can think about the highs, remember them for what they were but have also happily moved on.

LegacyUser

I am sorry to hear about what happened to you. You have shown that you still have some get up and go after this. Rather that coming back to Ireland and the dole you sorted things out so you could stay in the Uk. It has not been easy but you need to keep looking forward.

One of my friends was engaged to a man and a few weeks before the wedding he called the whole thing off.
He left her to tell her parents on her own. She was very upset at the time and went back out with him shortly after the time they were to get married. After a while she realsed that things were never going to work out with him. Within a few years she found out what a lucky escape she had in not marrying him.
My friend went on to meet a nice man and is now married with a family.
I am telling you her story to show you that if you keep moving on that things can and do get better and easier with time.

One of my friends always says what goes around come around. She is not wishing bad luck on anyone saying this but eventually some thing happens to people who use other people or treat people badly.
I would keep doing what you are doing. See what groups or organisations you can get involved in your local area in the Uk. Start to plan what you want to do next and keep looking forward.