I've been nothing but a fool

meadow22

hey guys, this is really long. But Id appreciate any advice at all

I feel embarassed writing this issue as I should have known better and am ashamed of myself. I wont go into great details, but basically I fell in love with a man and had been involved with him for a number of years, on and off. He treated me very badly. He would basically get with me, and then go cold on me until he wanted to see me again, he would emotionally use me as a crutch when he was not feeling great and when he wanted advice and stuff or was in the mood to chat, he would then make contact. He never wanted to be officially in a relationship with me, and was seeing other girls. But I seemed to be a person he could share similar interests in and personal stuff. I could have walked away, told him to never contact me. But I always fell back into the same pattern of saying that and then one of us would contact the other and the same process would start over and over again.

the whole thing was exhausting, I knew I was falling for him more and more, and he would constantly contact me, say things and then a few days later, go cold and make me look riddculous if I contacted him to see what the story was. time would pass and he would then appear months later or even weeks wanting to talk to me again and saying how much he missed me, only to do the same thing. I deleted every form of contact and he still got in touch or showed up. living in the same area doesnt help.

recently things escalated. he started a series of contacting me and professing his feelings for me that he had never had before. I was aware he was in a relationship at this stage and had not and would never contact him for that reason, but he had no problem contacting me and saying that I was the one and we would be together. of course a few days later he shot me down, saying it was stupid. Fair enough, I was hurt as I thought I was getting over it, but with him having a girlfriend now, I would never have acted on it anyway, but again a few days later same story, another call and he says the same thing. only to completely ignore me for the next few weeks. I was distraught by the end of it and really stressed. Its no secret that despite how he has treated me that I have fallen for him. and Im disgusted at myself for it.

I do respect myself but this has really knocked me back. Anyway fast forward and I acted really stupid recently, I was out one night and I contacted him and pulled him up on what he said, wanted to know the real truth and why he was acting this way. He basically said, there was some truth but I was acting stupid. I got extremely upset and was fed up of all this messing about. I said some very hurtful things, but I was so sick of being messed about. And he basically told me to get lost and shut up. next day along with a sore head, I contacted to apologise for the comments but stated how much this has built up and effected me. What I got back was. "ya, dont waste your worry on it. ya, didnt give it a second thought on what you said. dont care."

I just said ok fine and that was that.

Im so upset now and havent stopped crying all day. I wish I had walked away years ago and why did I have to be so stupid and contact him. I was just so hurt and wanted to know why. Now I look like the bad one and he's dismissed me like Im a nasty piece of work. I invested so much in this guy, talked to him, pepped him up, and had a laugh too. we have similar interests so it was fun. But the bad outweighs the good. I hate to admit it, but my feelings are so strong and now I feel worthless. humilated and worthless. I dont know how to get over this. Needless to say I've blocked every method of communication. But Im struggling. He has gotten the last word and Im just a silly little fool. Thanks for reading guys.

Tasden

He's the bad guy. You've had a good heart and gave him the benefit of the doubt many times because you're a genuine person who wanted to see the best in him. Eventually when he let you down one time too many you told the truth. Instead of being decent and apologise to you he waited for you to apologise (for what?!) like the coward he is. He knows you will always let him win.

This time take a step back, see that you're not a fool, you treated him with a kind and open heart and HE took advantage of that. So now YOU need to walk away. Its not him "having the last word" its you deciding you're better than that and ending this toxic relationship/friendship- it isn't even either of those- its him using your good heart when he needs it.

When he comes running again don't welcome him back. You're in control now so chin up and wash your hands of him and dont feel bad about it for one second.

meadow22

Tasden wrote: »

He's the bad guy. You've had a good heart and gave him the benefit of the doubt many times because you're a genuine person who wanted to see the best in him. Eventually when he let you down one time too many you told the truth. Instead of being decent and apologise to you he waited for you to apologise (for what?!) like the coward he is. He knows you will always let him win.

This time take a step back, see that you're not a fool, you treated him with a kind and open heart and HE took advantage of that. So now YOU need to walk away. Its not him "having the last word" its you deciding you're better than that and ending this toxic relationship/friendship- it isn't even either of those- its him using your good heart when he needs it.

When he comes running again don't welcome him back. You're in control now so chin up and wash your hands of him and dont feel bad about it for one second.

thank you, Im sick to my stomach. I shouldnt have contacted him when I was out. Recipe for disaster and to be fair I was very angry and said strong stuff. but its built up for years and in the last while, its become too much! I really need to get over this!! But I feel so sad right now!!

dellas1979

oh gosh pet-you didnt do anything wrong at all! You are not foolish at all. In matters of the heart, the heart will always fight the head (the reasonable part). Which is why we give so many people "chances" and hoping theyll change/see sense etc. And you have a good heart. But you gotta let the head take over now. He is was and never will be any good for you.

Him getting the last word? Oh no, thats not the case at all. You cant see it like that. He is making you feel bad for his actions, and he is succeding. I would feel sorry for him more than anything, that hell do that to another person. It is now your choice (remember the head part) how to deal with it.

Tasden

meadow22 wrote: »

thank you, Im sick to my stomach. I shouldnt have contacted him when I was out. Recipe for disaster and to be fair I was very angry and said strong stuff. but its built up for years and in the last while, its become too much! I really need to get over this!! But I feel so sad right now!!

Listen we've all been there, it happens. But the fact that he didn't think about how he drove you to that and how upset he has made you just shows he's not worth it. If someone-however drunk or hurtful- told you what you told him how would you feel? And what would you do to put it right? And would you then allow THEM to apologise?! You may have been harsh but you let it slide for years- he had to know it'd catch up on him eventually one way or another.
You got to say what you needed to say so now you can move on.

Stavro Mueller

meadow22 wrote: »

thank you, Im sick to my stomach. I shouldnt have contacted him when I was out. Recipe for disaster and to be fair I was very angry and said strong stuff. but its built up for years and in the last while, its become too much! I really need to get over this!! But I feel so sad right now!!

Hey, you're only human. It's not always easy to hold back when you're feeling hurt or stressed about something. All you did wrong was to fall for someone who wasn't worthy of your heart. In an idea world, he would be the one with all the apologies to make. You are the one who was being a good person through all of this - he used and abused that.

Sometimes it takes something unpleasant like this to jolt a person out of the unreality they've been floating along in. You loved this guy and it's understandable that you felt like crap because of his treatment of you. Please don't beat yourself up about this. What's done is done. You cannot undo the past but you can deal with what comes next.

I hope he has sense and doesn't contact you again. Once he's out of your life, you can start to move on with yours.

If he does make contact again, tell him to p!ss off and don't engage with him. Use the horrible feelings you're experiencing at the moment to stay strong should that happen.

thefeatheredcat

I don't think you should be hard on yourself at all.... and you had every right to be angry and call him up on his appalling behaviour.

I've given many people the benefit of the doubt, got walked all over and got angry, but with myself more so than anyone else. Blaming yourself and beating yourself up isn't going to change what has happened, or how you feel. It will just make you feel unhappy and make you feel worse over what happened than is necessary.

I actually wouldn't worry about you confronting him or saying nasty things or even apologising for it... not because he doesn't care (or rather says he doesn't care when most likely it probably has hit home and is just saying that he doesn't care to hurt you because he's a spineless coward and what he said is a defence mechanism) but because what is really important that you realised you were fed up and angry and unleashed it and secondly that you were brave and courteous and had more balls and goodness in you to apologise.

The below is always worth placing value on:

meadow22 wrote: »

he would emotionally use me as a crutch when he was not feeling great and when he wanted advice and stuff or was in the mood to chat, he would then make contact.

meadow22 wrote: »

But I seemed to be a person he could share similar interests in and personal stuff.

He has lost a really great kind friend and partner who has made time for him when in need. He has lost someone he could confide in and turn to and could engage on a level on mutual interests. He has lost all that. And for what?

Now whatever you do, don't worry a bit about him. If you find out he's in trouble or worry he has nobody to turn to with a problem, catch yourself and realise that's not your problem, he mistreated you and lost a great friend in you because of his behaviour, and that is not something you should ever worry about. He can't come to you about stuff and that is the great loss he has to bare, but the great triumph for you. You may not have got the last word, but he knows he can't come to you for anything and that you're not going to be a walkover if he needs something.

You should be a lot less hard on yourself....you sound like a really great person, who is open to being there for people you care about, that is someone I value and believe to be worthwhile knowing.

Don't feel foolish.... it happens to everyone at one stage or other in life, in friendships and relationships but it's not worth knocking yourself down over. Realise yourself to be a good person who gave a lot to someone and see the good in yourself. If they didn't appreciate that, then they are the bigger fool.

washiskin

We've all had one of these in our lives at some stage and the good news is we all come out the other side wiser, stronger and the better for it.
I know it doesn't seem like that at the moment but trust me. in a while (and it might even be years) you'll be able to look back and see that not only did you do the right thing but you finally had the fortitude to stop being an emotional and ego boosting convenience for this man. You might even realise what a lucky escape you've had.

As the feathered cat has said, he's the one losing out here, not you. You seem like a kind, decent and loyal friend and that's something to be proud of and not something to be wasted on a selfish, manipulating fool.

Right now he thinks he has you dangling and has his usual place to fall - prove him wrong and give yourself the well-deserved little pat on the back when he realises he'll never have that place again.

meadow22

thanks guys. I've a lot of work to do on getting myself back to a good place. Its taken so much out of me and I feel so down about it.

Pee Bee

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Feel proud of yourself for putting a stop to his behaviour. Also feel positive that this isn't the end it is the beginning of you being a stronger person and now that you are available you may be surprised that others may come out of the woodwork that may have feelings for you but because of him may have shied away.
Finally, after being through a situation similar to yours recently, I can't recommend counselling enough. I wouldn't have thought I needed it but the strength of character I found after just talking about it was what I needed.

Be proud of yourself for ending this.you deserve much better.
Look after yourself.

meadow22

thanks! I am glad I said what I said, I guess the hard part is that Ive said all this before and somehow he always manages I guess because I am hurt and angry at the time, he always manages to make me look like the crazy one, going off on one. I just dont know how to deal with this. I'm a normal person, had a good life, college, working, friends and so on. Im only in my mid twenties and on the outset I am functioning fine, nothing is suffering or anything. But its like a dull ache that comes back again and again, my life seems to be going grand and he'd swoop in to mess it up. Right now, I feel so low and hurt. Not in the sense that Im not functioning, I am. But its there. This pain from this issue has been constant for years now. Im scared I'll never get over it. Its been so long. The worst part being I wish he'd contact me and I hate myself for it, because deep down I know he doesnt deserve me.
if it were a friend, I would telling them to run for the hills. Its been years of verbal abuse, lies, using me, then going cold and I just want to go back to that part of my life and erase it, so it never happened.

beks101

meadow22 wrote: »

my life seems to be going grand and he'd swoop in to mess it up.

Why are you giving him the power to do this?

Someone close to you dying; that's your life being messed up in a way that's out of your control.

A head-wrecking guy with whom you have an emotionally destructive relationship "swooping" in after weeks or months; that's something you can control. You control the swooping.You're opening the door to him each time; sub-consciously you're waiting, anticipating it, maybe secretly wanting it to happen, for whatever deep-seated reason.

Your sense of worth and self-esteem can't be very high for you to be at this guy's mercy in such a way, for so long. I can completely empathize, as many people reading this can - matters of the heart are rarely easy and can make all sorts of perfectly rational people act in the craziest ways. You're not alone. This is a universal thing.

But it's gone beyond a silly mistake you made with a guy who was all wrong for you; it's become a crutch for you as much as it has for him, it's a part of your life you're not prepared to walk away from completely because in some way, it's working for you. Maybe it's confirming all those things you secretly believe about yourself - that you're not worth the commitment, that he's the best you can do, that you're not good at relationships? Maybe you're addicted to the drama that he brings as much you are the lust that you feel for him and it's become such a staple in your life that you're afraid of walking away and having "nothing"?

I think you really need to do some soul searching here. Some people come into our lives to teach us a lesson about ourselves, and this clown has stuck around for so long that it seems like you're just resisting a very important lesson about yourself.

I'd consider a bit of counselling to get your head straight on this if you can. Once you understand yourself and your own motives a bit better, all the formulaic break-up stuff of deleting him out of your life, no contact, friends, new hobbies, self-care and love etc...will come a lot easier.