Picking Up Guys in "Regular" Places?

eaglach

I've been wondering, have many of you here found dates/partners outside of the usual "gay" hangouts? By that I mean not on gay websites, on the gay scene or through gay themed clubs/societies.

The reason I ask is because I don't have much interest in any of these and was wondering if I have much of a chance meeting a guy outside of these places!

Is it possible to meet a guy, for example, in a pub or even a gym? Would you approach someone that caught your eye and chat them up? If so, have you had any success? I find it difficult to see how it can be done without explicitly saying you're gay to the person and hope that they are too. Quite a long shot!

I'd like to hear any of your stories/advice. Thanks.

jaffacakesyum

Not a gay male so I wouldn't know, but just wondering what type of men you are typicall attracted to? Because surely you've been in social settings outside the scene, clubs/societies, where you've seen/met men who are obviously gay (well, not obviously, but the chances are they are gay!)? Get chatting to them, approach them, ask for their number That's if you're attracted to that type.

eaglach

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

Not a gay male so I wouldn't know, but just wondering what type of men you are typicall attracted to? Because surely you've been in social settings outside the scene, clubs/societies, where you've seen/met men who are obviously gay (well, not obviously, but the chances are they are gay!)? Get chatting to them, approach them, ask for their number That's if you're attracted to that type.

Well that's the problem! I'm attracted to the non-stereotype guys. "Straight-acting" and all that, so hard to pick them out of a crowd unfortunately.

jaffacakesyum

eaglach wrote: »

Well that's the problem! I'm attracted to the non-stereotype guys. "Straight-acting" and all that, so hard to pick them out of a crowd unfortunately.

Yeah I get ya. In my previous post I didn't even necessarily mean the super-camp OTT guys by the way but you know the way you can pick out a gay lad from the crowd sometimes even if they're not overly stereotypical. But if you're only into the completely straight-acting lads then it's going to be harder.

I know it's tough if you don't like the scene or the specific LGBT clubs but unfortunately it's a given that if the incidence of homosexuality is much lower than heterosexuality, than you're not going to come into contact with gay guys as much, in normal settings. That's not to say you won't meet a fella through every day situations, you might well do. But if you want to increase your chances you gotta get out there!

Personally, I would prefer not to be involved in specific clubs/societies that are just for gay women; I found it kind of embarassing. But I did it anyway, because I knew day to day I was unlikely to meet a gay woman. Similarly in the beginning, I hated gay clubs. Full of sterotypical gay men and women that I felt alienated from, cheesy crap music blaring, drag shows etc. it just wasn't me. But when I relaxed a little, I actually got to enjoy going out, meeting new people, having the odd one night stand, sometimes meeting no one and just going out to have fun. Give it another shot, ya may warm to it

chargerman

OP if you find a way I'd be delighted to hear it. I too am sick of the online stuff and wouldnt go out on the scene. Its so hard to find someone.

1ZRed

I don't go to gay places and I've pulled a decent amount of lads in regular places. It's not that difficult. You see a lad you like, get talking, take it easy going and very mate-ish (subtlety is key I find) and get a feel for where things might be headed.

If he doesn't seem to be interested then he's none the wiser as you've just been having a chat.

But if you do try to push things that angle and he's not interested then what harm? You should hardly be afraid of chatting up a straight guy, it happens sometimes.
When it happened to me and he was straight we just had a laugh and carried on. No big deal and you have to try.

I met the guy I'm with now in a regular bar so it can be done. You just have to put in the effort of finding them.

That means chatting up some straight lads every now and again but that shouldn't put you off.

Edit: To answer your question I hadn't had to tell them I was gay, it was implied when they took interest back or if they said what they were and then I told him what I was.

baby and crumble

Again, not a guy but I met my gf of 9 years doing charity work in college. So of course you can meet other gay people in non gay environments, it's just hard to know for sure. Problem is if you are constantly trying to find a guy or pick people up you get that slightly desperate look, which won't help you out. Why not just join some activities that you like, regardless of the people in them? Even if they are gay groups running them?

eaglach

1ZRed wrote: »

I don't go to gay places and I've pulled a decent amount of lads in regular places. It's not that difficult. You see a lad you like, get talking, take it easy going and very mate-ish (subtlety is key I find) and get a feel for where things might be headed.

If he doesn't seem to be interested then he's none the wiser as you've just been having a chat.

But if you do try to push things that angle and he's not interested then what harm? You should hardly be afraid of chatting up a straight guy, it happens sometimes.

I don't think I've ever approached a guy in a bar before. If it happened to me I'd definitely find it unusual! They'd know straight away you were gay.

You might say "so what's wrong with that", well I'd be just worried that some night I'd pick the wrong person and it just ends badly. Some people would be less than comfortable with a gay guy hitting on them.

Even if I did get chatting to some guy for a while and he seems friendly, what if he's just that - a friendly guy? Wouldn't it be very easy to end up chatting to nothing but straight guys? If only gaydar actually existed, things would be much easier!

1ZRed

eaglach wrote: »

I don't think I've ever approached a guy in a bar before. If it happened to me I'd definitely find it unusual! They'd know straight away you were gay.

They wouldn't know I was gay straight away. I don't look gay and I don't sound gay. I don't outwardly come on to people in an obvious way. If you saw a guy at the bar you could go up and get a drink, while you're waiting you could get talking to him. That's an example of doing it subtly.

You might say "so what's wrong with that", well I'd be just worried that some night I'd pick the wrong person and it just ends badly. Some people would be less than comfortable with a gay guy hitting on them.

Some people might be but what guy in this day and age would resort to beating the absolute shite out of a guy in a bar or nightclub, baring in mind that would all end up very badly for him in the end.

Tbh, for me I'm not fearful of that. I'm a big enough guy that you'd think twice about starting on me. Guys get hit on, they may feel uncomfortable if they're insecure about it, but that happens and I couldn't care less if they felt uncomfortable. It's their problem and you just carry on. I've usually just had a laugh with them after a "sorry man, I don't swing that way", and it was grand, no harm done.

You're kind of thinking the worst of it because you're afraid of pissing some lad off, when rarely would things end up that badly in reality. Thinking that negatively wouldn't get you any results.

Even if I did get chatting to some guy for a while and he seems friendly, what if he's just that - a friendly guy? Wouldn't it be very easy to end up chatting to nothing but straight guys? If only gaydar actually existed, things would be much easier!

Yeah and so what? Sure isn't a friendly guy better than an angry homophobic guy?

If you want to find guys in normal places that's what you have to be prepared to encounter -straight lads.
I don't really know what you want tbh. You asked how to meet guys in regular places and I told you, you have to go up and make an effort. It's really that simple, it's just trial and error.
Many of them aren't going to come onto you for the same reason that they might think you're straight yourself.

Gaydar would be the handiest thing ever but it doesn't exist, so you have to get on with things instead of wasting time wishing for something that'll never exist.

After a while you'll learn to see a tell in some people and it'll get easier but you need to get talking to them and scope them out to make that call accurately.

ongarboy

Hi OP, I thought your name (the gaeilge for fear) and dilemma sounded familiar and checked your post history to see you opened a "No guys out there for me" thread a while back. A wealth of helpful advice was given on that thread on how to maximise your opportunities for finding straight acting gay guys, many of which involved recommending you change your outlook and preconceived notions. Perhaps you should re-read some of it.

1ZRed offered some great advice on this thread now pertaining to finding straight acting gay guys in regular places but I think his advice would also involve you having to change your outlook and preconceived notions. Otherwise you may face similar unsatisfactory results in just about any setting (gay or straight).

floggg

OP, unfortunately you have to accept that for so long as you're dating or looking to meet somebody you're going to risk embarrassment, rejection or even just ending up in the dreaded friend zone. It's an inherent risk of the dating game.

That applies whether you are in "straight bars" or gay bars, male or female, straight, gay or bisexual.

If you want to meet people, you have to take a chance and put yourself out there. Nothing much will happen unless you do.

You're focusing on the potential downside and are using that as a reason not to take a chance. But why not look at it the other way around - isn't the chance to potentially meet the love if your life worth the risk of being rejected by somebody or wasting a night chatting up the wrong guy?

I do think you are being a bit unrealistic - wanting to meet guys in "straight" places and yet not being willing to be a bit forward about. Something will have to give unfortunately.

Even in a gay bar, you're unlikely to attract the right kind of guy by just sitting quietly in a corner.

floggg

eaglach wrote: »

Well that's the problem! I'm attracted to the non-stereotype guys. "Straight-acting" and all that, so hard to pick them out of a crowd unfortunately.

As one of those so called "straight acting" gays, I can tell you as well that you'll find a lot of us in gays bars or on the gay sports teams. In fact joining up with the soccer or rugby teams would be a very good start!

Also can I ask why you aren't interested in the scene or gay clubs/societies? How much experience of them do you have?

eaglach

ongarboy wrote: »

Hi OP, I thought your name (the gaeilge for fear) and dilemma sounded familiar and checked your post history to see you opened a "No guys out there for me" thread a while back. A wealth of helpful advice was given on that thread on how to maximise your opportunities for finding straight acting gay guys, many of which involved recommending you change your outlook and preconceived notions. Perhaps you should re-read some of it.

1ZRed offered some great advice on this thread now pertaining to finding straight acting gay guys in regular places but I think his advice would also involve you having to change your outlook and preconceived notions. Otherwise you may face similar unsatisfactory results in just about any setting (gay or straight).

Ha, I do tend to forget that there's a record of what I've said before on this website!

Well I guess my best chance for meeting straight acting guys is in regular pubs. I think the problem is less because I'm gay but more because I get anxious about these kind of things.

floggg wrote: »

As one of those so called "straight acting" gays, I can tell you as well that you'll find a lot of us in gays bars or on the gay sports teams. In fact joining up with the soccer or rugby teams would be a very good start!

Also can I ask why you aren't interested in the scene or gay clubs/societies? How much experience of them do you have?

The reason I don't like the scene is because of the camp nature of it to be honest. I know you're going to say "oh you haven't been there, it's not like that", but I know many people who have been there, I've seen photos, I've seen videos and it would most certainly be somewhere I'd hate to go!

And for the clubs and societies - well no particular reason really. I'm not a big club/society person (don't think I've ever been a member of either actually!). And to join a group based on a loose connection like sexuality is a bit odd. You may as well join a group with no connection at all! Just my two cents

Annasopra

eaglach wrote: »

Ha, I do tend to forget that there's a record of what I've said before on this website!

Well I guess my best chance for meeting straight acting guys is in regular pubs. I think the problem is less because I'm gay but more because I get anxious about these kind of things.

The reason I don't like the scene is because of the camp nature of it to be honest. I know you're going to say "oh you haven't been there, it's not like that", but I know many people who have been there, I've seen photos, I've seen videos and it would most certainly be somewhere I'd hate to go!

And for the clubs and societies - well no particular reason really. I'm not a big club/society person (don't think I've ever been a member of either actually!). And to join a group based on a loose connection like sexuality is a bit odd. You may as well join a group with no connection at all! Just my two cents

If you want to meet someone you have to go outside of your comfort zone. It seems to me that for various reasons that is just something you can't or won't do.

azezil

eaglach wrote: »

The reason I don't like the scene is because of the camp nature of it to be honest. I know you're going to say "oh you haven't been there, it's not like that", but I know many people who have been there, I've seen photos, I've seen videos and it would most certainly be somewhere I'd hate to go!

That's a very poor way to gauge what the scene is like, because the people who take those photos / make those videos home in on the loudest minority in the place. I've seen pictures from nights I've been too and wondered where all of this was happening as I saw none of it. My experience has been that most of the people there are just like regular people who happen to be gay.

floggg

eaglach wrote: »

Ha, I do tend to forget that there's a record of what I've said before on this website!

Well I guess my best chance for meeting straight acting guys is in regular pubs. I think the problem is less because I'm gay but more because I get anxious about these kind of things.



The reason I don't like the scene is because of the camp nature of it to be honest. I know you're going to say "oh you haven't been there, it's not like that", but I know many people who have been there, I've seen photos, I've seen videos and it would most certainly be somewhere I'd hate to go!

And for the clubs and societies - well no particular reason really. I'm not a big club/society person (don't think I've ever been a member of either actually!). And to join a group based on a loose connection like sexuality is a bit odd. You may as well join a group with no connection at all! Just my two cents

OP, to be honest with you, with that attitude its going to be very difficult to find anybody.

It seems from this and your previous threads that while you do want to meet somebody, you're only interested as long as everything is on your terms - you're not willing to put much leg work in, you're not willing to explore locations out of your comfort zone, you're not willing to make the first move. They must do all the running, they must conform fully to your perceptions and ideals, to have all of the same interests as you.

If you want to rely on anecdotal stories or photos online to form all your opinions, so be it. I gather you have formed fixed opinions on this and you aren't too likely to change.

I'm not saying this goes for you, as I don't know you, but in my experience, a lot of the time when gay men (especially the closeted or newly out ones) say they don't like camp or that they have zero interest in being anywhere camp or stereotypically gay, its got as much if not more to do with their own self-perception and perhaps insecurity than it does with anything else.

I know it certainly was the case for me.

They try and distance themselves from anything "gay" or "camp" and prove they are just "one of the guys", not the effeminate stereotype people like to laugh at or pick on in school.

Thing is, once you get over it, you realise that its not all half as camp as you think. There's loads of variety.

And even if there is some camp, who really cares. There will always be a mix of people there, and if you genuinely don't get along with camp guys, then just talk to somebody else.

To me, its far better to have to listen to some Kylie, then to never be able to meet somebody.

Rick_

For someone who used to think the same as you, I can only mirror what others have said, put yourself out there or be prepared to be alone. Honestly.

I hated the very idea of the scene because of my own preconceptions. I imagined it was full of skinny camp 18 year olds with loads of make-up on and them prancing about the place and I'd end up punching one of them for annoying me with their mere presence! Or it was full of old lecherous men who would see you as fresh meat as soon as you walked through the door and try to cop off with you constantly and grab you and stuff. I also wasn't into the sort of camp/'girly' music that would be played.

Finally biting the bullet and going opened my eyes and I realised it's nothing like that, it's just like any other bar, only there's no fear of showing interest in someone of the same sex and it's not even all 'campy' music. Yes there are some camp younger ones, and some older guys, but they don't act the way I'd thought they were and most are just there to have a drink with friends, have a dance and enjoy themselves. The same thing you should be doing!

In fact, the only complaint I'd have about gay venues is that the music is far too loud so you can't hear people when talking to them and your ears are ringing when you leave and even the next day. It's even hell trying to order at the bar when you have to shout your order 3 times to be heard! But this is the same with all nightclub type venues so I just have to get used to the fact that at 28 I already feel too old for places like that!

floggg

Paddy C wrote: »

For someone who used to think the same as you, I can only mirror what others have said, put yourself out there or be prepared to be alone. Honestly.

I hated the very idea of the scene because of my own preconceptions. I imagined it was full of skinny camp 18 year olds with loads of make-up on and them prancing about the place and I'd end up punching one of them for annoying me with their mere presence! Or it was full of old lecherous men who would see you as fresh meat as soon as you walked through the door and try to cop off with you constantly and grab you and stuff. I also wasn't into the sort of camp/'girly' music that would be played.

Finally biting the bullet and going opened my eyes and I realised it's nothing like that, it's just like any other bar, only there's no fear of showing interest in someone of the same sex and it's not even all 'campy' music. Yes there are some camp younger ones, and some older guys, but they don't act the way I'd thought they were and most are just there to have a drink with friends, have a dance and enjoy themselves. The same thing you should be doing!

In fact, the only complaint I'd have about gay venues is that the music is far too loud so you can't hear people when talking to them and your ears are ringing when you leave and even the next day. It's even hell trying to order at the bar when you have to shout your order 3 times to be heard! But this is the same with all nightclub type venues so I just have to get used to the fact that at 28 I already feel too old for places like that!

As a 28 year old, I can assure you that we aren't too old for places like that!

Either that, or I must now be one of the sad lecherous types!

1ZRed

eaglach wrote: »

Ha, I do tend to forget that there's a record of what I've said before on this website!

Well I guess my best chance for meeting straight acting guys is in regular pubs. I think the problem is less because I'm gay but more because I get anxious about these kind of things.



The reason I don't like the scene is because of the camp nature of it to be honest. I know you're going to say "oh you haven't been there, it's not like that", but I know many people who have been there, I've seen photos, I've seen videos and it would most certainly be somewhere I'd hate to go!

I've never been to full-on gay bars or anything like that either and I don't think that way anymore because it was all just a stupid notion I had at the beginning of tackling my sexuality and coming to terms with "gay life".

They were all so gay, that place was all full of camp guys that I didn't want to be associated with. Thing is, it's full of diverse guys and I don't even have to go to know there's more masculine guys there. 80% of the guys I've met are normal and more masculine than the camp stereotype so it's safe to assume it translates into those clubs.

As some of the lads here who have more experience with that side of things have said, it seems to stand up well, too.

And for the clubs and societies - well no particular reason really. I'm not a big club/society person (don't think I've ever been a member of either actually!). And to join a group based on a loose connection like sexuality is a bit odd. You may as well join a group with no connection at all! Just my two cents

It's not odd. If you want to meet gay/bi lads wouldn't it make more sense to join a club that would give you more chance of meeting those guys and weeding out the straight lads as you say?
Seems reasonable and understandable enough to be tbh, and those guys are joining for the same exact reason you'd be.

I used to think the same and would be really put off any of that, but I care less and less about them.
I understand what things are really like outside of what you read on the internet and I know I'm a very masculine guy that won't become or seen as more 'gay' for joining them if I choose to do so.
I'm comfortable in myself and passed all the initial bs notions when you first come out as gay not to give three fucks if I went out for pints with the straight team I train with or a gay orientated one, and if I struggled to meet like-minded masc guys like myself, I wouldn't think too much about joining in.

What harm? You're only going to benefit from it in the end.


It's very easy to sit around and wish and want for things without putting yourself out there. Do you think any of us found it easy? It was very difficult, but it payed off and continues to do so.

If you want your life to change for the better and meet some guys then tough shit, you're going to have to take the reigns yourself and do it. Nobody else will do it for you, so you're left with two options -do nothing, don't put yourself out there and end up with nobody, or get yourself outside of your comfort zone and meet new people and develop along the way and hopefully find someone to settle happily with.

The latter seems more difficult, but long term, I think it's obvious which one is most difficult and that'd be choosing to do nothing and watching yourself miss out on all those milestones because of a few misplaced notions that don't stand up in reality.

1ZRed

floggg wrote: »

As a 28 year old, I can assure you that we aren't too old for places like that!

Either that, or I must now be one of the sad lecherous types!

I'd doubt it a lot, I've seen people in their late 30's in nightclubs trying on the young ones so I'd recon guys in their late to mid 30’s (or more) aren't doing anything wrong either.

Edit, reread that and it came across wrong. I meant 'doubt it' in the sense you'd be too old for the place

ongarboy

1ZRed wrote: »

I'd doubt it a lot, I've seen people in their late 30's in nightclubs trying on the young ones so I'd recon guys in their late to mid 30’s (or more) aren't doing anything wrong either.

Edit, reread that and it came across wrong. I meant 'doubt it' in the sense you'd be too old for the place

Plenty of young guys try it on with older guys too!!;)

OP - I hope you can take some of the info above away with you and open yourself to to new ideas and situations that allow existing notions to be challenged for your benefit. Many or most of us here had to jump outside our comfort zone and yes, it was a little scary at first but I think we're all a lot happier for doing it. I'd be quite a lonely and resentful person right now if I didn't take those important baby steps back then. I met a very straight acting, masculine, gorgeous guy in the George on a night out by myself 8 years ago and am so proud that he is still my partner and soulmate today. Just as importantly, I had many fun nights out prior to that making new friends also without it exclusively being about finding a man

Challenge that anecdotal evidence from friends/pics/videos and try a gay bar or club just once in 2013 and form your own first hand opinion...but do it with an open mind! You might just be surprised with what you see. Good luck!