Can't handle changes in my life

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. Was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to handle the current situation I'm in.

2011 and 2012 were probably two of the best years of my life. I had a handy part-time job in Dublin while juggling a really enjoyable college life with lots of friends, and I had a girlfriend I thought the world of. There was genuinely nothing in my life I was unhappy with.

After college I started the full-time job search, but the type of job I'm qualified for is very specialised, with only a number of them scattered around the country. Low and behold in the last week of December I nabbed myself one of those jobs in Mayo where I grew up.

Even though I should have been ecstatic, I'd be lying if I said moving away from Dublin didn't kill me. Me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up (she wasn't eager for a long-distance relationship, even though I was open to it) and I said goodbye to all the great friends I made. The job requires working very unorthodox hours, so I knew I wouldn't be seeing them soon. I haven't seen any of them since.

I'm now living back at home with my parents while working in a job that I have come to absolutely hate. Long hours, poor pay, long commute, and *extremely* stressful. I have a number of friends here, but again my social life is completely non-existant. My weight and general well-being has also suffered, and any free time I do get I spend sitting around and missing my ex-gf and general life I had in Dublin.

This has been my life for 2/3 months now. After the first few weeks I thought things would pick up, but it hasn't, and I'm now fearful that I have a genuine mental health/depression problem. I am simply never happy anymore.

I've talked to a few people who know my job is tough, but I don't think anyone knows it's affected me this much. The only person I would feel 100% comfortable talking to is my ex-gf, but she prefers if we keep our distance. I'm also afraid I'd start begging to see her or even get back together.

So basically I'm at a crossroads of how to handle this. I could talk to a councillor, even if that seems very drastic. I could pack in the job and go back to Dublin. Or maybe I just need somebody to give me a slap and tell me I've no reason to be upset.

fits

By unorthodox hours what do you mean?

Are you putting an effort into making a life in Mayo? Or just fed up? Its understandable to be fed up but you have to invest in your life in Mayo or its pointless. Are you genuinely trying to make a go of it?

I made a similar move in 2008, also after a break up and it took time. It took a year before I really had friends at home again, and I got back into my old hobby. It was great in the end. Everyone is different though.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

thefeatheredcat

OP you've had a massive change in your life and that is not easy at all to deal with.

It sounds like you're missing what you had, the friends and social life plus the girlfriend and maybe a bit of the grass is greener back in Dublin with all of them?

If you are getting depressed, or just generally quite down and not handling this transition well, do speak to your GP and get yourself the help you need. Talk to someone. Nobody would expect you to just adapt at a click of a finger and just walk from one aspect of life right in one place and pick up where you left off right from there in another.

While what you had sounds quite idealistic, the reality is that someone is going to have to move away and do something else; and that person isn't always you, you could easily be the one still back in Dublin carrying on with yes the realisation a great friend has left, left an ex behind and started a new life in a specialised field and feeling that bit abandoned or just carrying on with their lives. Or you yourself could have stayed behind and sacrificed a job opportunity that you might not have come around again and have found that maybe your friends weren't so great or that your ex broke up with you to move on herself, or that everything was great for a long while and then one day it all just wasn't.

What does worry me is that you haven't seen your friends since.... but has there been contact or any arrangements made to meet up? And by contact I mean beyond texting / facebook, have any of your friends given you a call even, see how you're getting on, or have you called to suggest meeting up ?

I'd like to say make the most of what you have as that is what you will benefit.... but actually I think you need to realise that this is a huge adjustment, you're still adapting and it is defeatist to indulge in missing your life in Dublin in the free time you have as this will pull you down and demotivate you and make you unhappy. Acknowledge that you do miss them, and consider doing something about it like make some arrangement to meet up, even if that means taking holidays.

I would say tackle how you feel about yourself and getting putting your well-being in general and weight as a priority to do something about - this will help you engage more with others and get involved and meet new people.

As for your job - you say it is a specialist area - you've studied for it yet you hate it. Do you actually hate your job, or is it the circumstances you are struggling with that are making you resent and hate your job because you miss your life in Dublin?

I don't think talking to a counsellor is drastic.... but I gather from your post that you do need to talk through your situation to find an answer for yourself and learn about how you feel. You might identify a few things for yourself that way and find a way to cope/deal with them.

Give yourself a chance and cut yourself some slack in adapting to your new job and life. Make the best of it - but if you figure out it's not what you want, then do something about it. I would say on the jobs side, if the job was always going to be something you had to move away from Dublin and your life for, perhaps you were unprepared about facing that aspect? As for your friends and the life you had.... there's always the chance that someone would move away or that you'd drift apart, unless there was always something to hold you together beyond a social life / drinking / college friends where the relationship between ye was more solid that you're close friends involved more deeply and personally in eachother's lives than a few drinks, nights out and mutual friends and general hanging out.

You could move back to Dublin, but what would you be moving back for? Would you be moving back for a better more fulfilling job in line with what you want for yourself, be displaying your ambition in an industry you want to work in, or for people who you miss? You can always miss people but I wouldn't necessarily move back for the sake of missing them unless there was something worth going back to - and if you were thinking you could just move back and everything would go back to the way it was before you left, don't be so sure about that, because while it's nice to think you could pick up where you left off, there's no guarantee that that could happen. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But in the end, you have to do what is right for you and I think really organising time to meet up with your friends might be more beneficial and might give you perspective, as you'll be seeing things from a different point of view that gains insight and help you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone.

My hours are early afternoons to late at night Wednesday-Sunday, while being on call Mondays/Tuesdays if needs be. There's the best part of an hour commute either side of a shift as well. I'd like to think I'm doing my best to settle in, because up until January I was never the type of guy to sit around feeling sorry for myself...that's what's worrying me. And I'd rather not go through a whole year felling how I am right now.

Regarding my ex, she definitely doesn't miss me as much unfortunately. I could spend ages explaining why, but you'll have to take my word on it. If I moved back to Dublin I'd have to talk to her obviously, but I wouldn't be holding my breath.

I take the points about life not being exactly the same if I moved back to Dublin - I'd prepare myself for that if that was the case. There has been a bit of contact with my old friends through FB, and we have tried to meet up on two occasions since moving to Mayo, but we haven't been able to agree on a suitable time since they have their own jobs in the capital.

As for the job, I'll admit that if it was located in Dublin I'd probably be finding it easier than I am at the moment. It is still very difficult and stressful though, and I know for certain there are other jobs in my industry that aren't as strenuous. My part-time job in Dublin was in the same field and I really enjoyed it.

LegacyUser

You have had a lot of changes in your life in the past few months. I know it is hard to move to a new area, a new job and to find a new group of friends and social life.
I don't think you are happy in the job at all as it seems to be a lot of hard work with no reward except that you have a job.
Your working in the evenings and at weekend when other people are off so how are you going to build up a new circle of friends or a social life.
I would look on this job as experience that will help you get another job.

Would your part time job be looking for someone full time at the moment? Maybe your ex boss might know some one who could give you a job?
I would start to look on all the websites, companies in your work area and I would also contact your college as they may have a careers service. I would also put up you details on likedin. I would look for a job with more normal hours also as you need to build up a new social life even if you were to get a job in Dublin.

As one of mine said to me a few years ago - Work is part of life but not all off life.
I am sure there are people in there 50 and 60 who look back and say I am so glad I worked 50 hours a week and missed out on so much.

Mighty_Mouse

Depends on where you are in terms of your life's ambitions right now?

Maybe, you just wanted to spend a few more years hanging out in Dublin, with little money, partying and having stress free fun? Maybe it feels like you have settled down to early?

"Work" is not the only deciding factor in terms of the life you want to live.

Finally, IMO life changes radically and quickly in my experience.
Everything tends to change at once.
That special "time and place" disintegrates before you know it.

Social groups break-up, relationships break-down, people leave for whatever reason. It's all about constantly re-building IMO.
Maybe you do want to move back to dublin. But there's every chance you would have to re-build regardless.

Joe Hart

I would do one of three things

1. Start looking abroad for a similar job
2. Go back to Dublin and try a different career.
3. Move into the nearest biggest town to your job and reduce your commute and build a bit of town life for yourself.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.