Need help trying to change friend groups

Excedion

Well I guess I'll start with some backgrounds, I'm a first year in college, and im living with the same group of friends I had during LC. At the start of the year everything was great, we all went to college together and I even met people from the extended group who were in my class.

Now however my friends have fallen into a rut, with a lot of drugs and nonsense. The drugs were always there but in small amounts, now its taken over and its not going to change in the near future. I'm the only one who goes to class anymore, the rest just sleep all day and stay up all night doing drugs.

My problem is I don't want to do drugs and sit around all day, I want to do something with my life, but I think I've cornered myself by being too secure by the few friends I had at the start of the year and not branching out at the beginning. I've tried making new friends, joining clubs, and going out to places I like, but the clubs that I like never got off the ground, and the people at shows and such always have other people with them and its harder to spark up a conversation.

To make things harder the only friends I have that do anything other than get ****faced live far away, including my girlfriend. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment, I know I want more friends who want something more from life but I really don't know what to do. Before, there was always friends of friends I could meet, but theyre all in the same rut or arent people id get along with.

Lenmeister

Well I can kind of relate in some ways to your post in terms of changing. Imo, first thing to do is keep away from the drugs. I've cut out people from my life immediatly when they got too into drugs and didn't look back. I'm very glad I did. Don't let the same thing happen to you. You don't need drugs and tons of drink to enjoy yourself. You don't have to do the same as me, but if they go down the wrong path then you'll eventually have to make that choice. Sounds harsh but for me it was reality unfortunatly.

Make new friends as soon as possible. You mentioned the clubs you joined not getting off the ground, did you join too many? A lot of the time it's better to join 2 or 3 clubs max and get really into them, try to become a real part of that club, it makes it far easier to become known to others and before you've even met people, people will know of you, making coversation far easier. If you have even 1 good friend that you can rely on, get that person to accompany you on club nights out so things won't be as awkward if you're by yourself. And don't forget there are clubs outside of college too - football, hockey(great social aspect), automobile, whatever you're into etc.

There's 1000s of students in college. You must have tons of people in your class. Try to figure out who the messers are and who the good natured and fun people are. The only way to do that is to get to know them over time. It's hard to make new friends, but you will. Do you have a job? Can you hang around with them? Maybe brother or sister? Just try to think of all the different channels you have open and exploit them as best you can - in a good way. Hope this helps.

Roisy7

All I can say is hang tight OP. This is a period of transition and is bound to be a little strange and uncertain. Just keep persevering with what you're doing, you WILL make friends.

I second what Lenmeister said, maybe pick one or two clubs you're really keen on and get really stuck in and involved. Are you interested in media- most colleges have a newspaper or radio station. I suppose I'm biased but I always find writers very easy to talk to :P

Sports are another get way to make friends and get involved.

I also want to say fair play to you for getting away from that scene, it's a very difficult thing to do, and you deserve a lot of credit for it.

AnonoBoy

Move out if an opportunity arrives.

Use any old excuse, you need to be closer to college, your girlfriend, work, whatever.

You can still hang out with your mates when you fancy a piss-up but will have the space to knuckle down to work when it suits you.

Excedion

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Move out if an opportunity arrives.

You can still hang out with your mates when you fancy a piss-up but will have the space to knuckle down to work when it suits you.

Yeah, there's not long left in the year so its a bit pointless moving out now but I'm definitely moving in somewhere with strangers next year.

To the others, my main problem with clubs wasnt that I stopped going, it was that after I signed up I never recieved emails or updates on club meetings so I dont think they ever got off the ground. I guess I will just try and keep doing what I'm doing as well as look for a job. Thanks for the advice

neemish

Excedion wrote: »

Yeah, there's not long left in the year so its a bit pointless moving out now but I'm definitely moving in somewhere with strangers next year.

To the others, my main problem with clubs wasnt that I stopped going, it was that after I signed up I never recieved emails or updates on club meetings so I dont think they ever got off the ground. I guess I will just try and keep doing what I'm doing as well as look for a job. Thanks for the advice

Definitely not pointless moving out at this stage...i did it myself and know a few people who moved on campus for tge end of year exams. I dont know where you are studying but there's always moving happening at college.

Campus accomm alwaya has spaces at this time of year. Maybe check it out.

CdeC

hey,
I would never suggest cutting off friends, you never know what the future might bring.
Not long to go now until end of term so I would.

• Keep studying, going to college and do have some fun but you don't have to do all the drugs your friends are.
• Go on a J1 during the summer (great fun and meet new people)
• Next year move in somewhere else....take a chance.

You'll still haev your old mates there for the odd session but you wont be surrounded by their constant partying and you'll meet new housemates and people through them.

Best of Luck.

Roisy7

CdeC wrote: »

hey,
I would never suggest cutting off friends, you never know what the future might bring.
Not long to go now until end of term so I would.

• Keep studying, going to college and do have some fun but you don't have to do all the drugs your friends are.
• Go on a J1 during the summer (great fun and meet new people)
• Next year move in somewhere else....take a chance.

You'll still haev your old mates there for the odd session but you wont be surrounded by their constant partying and you'll meet new housemates and people through them.

Best of Luck.

Generally I would agree with you about not cutting out people you have known for a long time, but in this case I think it's vital for the OP's sanity to get away from them.

It's not like they smoke a bit of weed at weekends, they seem to have lost all interest in doing anything apart from drugs. And it's really really boring and uncomfortable to be around people who are that out of their heads all the time when you don't feel right about it. I can imagine the state their house is in, just at the most basic example.

He doesn't have to fall out with them or be nasty, but I think he's wise to distance himself from them. Perhaps they may grow out of this and they can become close again in the future, perhaps not.

OP, is the J1 a runner money-wise? If so, go for it!

Excedion

Roisy7 wrote: »

Generally I would agree with you about not cutting out people you have known for a long time, but in this case I think it's vital for the OP's sanity to get away from them.

It's not like they smoke a bit of weed at weekends, they seem to have lost all interest in doing anything apart from drugs. And it's really really boring and uncomfortable to be around people who are that out of their heads all the time when you don't feel right about it. I can imagine the state their house is in, just at the most basic example.

He doesn't have to fall out with them or be nasty, but I think he's wise to distance himself from them. Perhaps they may grow out of this and they can become close again in the future, perhaps not.

OP, is the J1 a runner money-wise? If so, go for it!

Hi just want to say thanks to the other posters for you help i would love to take a j1 work visa but i dont think id be able to secure a job and wouldnt have the money to get a guaranteed job trip.

Roisy you really hit the nail on the head though, im really bored and uncomfortable even though im living with people i consider to be friends also despite the fact they spent all day in the house they wouldnt even clean a dish. I've cleaned the entire house several times more for my own health than anything else but it just gets trashed about 3 days later. its gotten to the point where i keep a set of cutlery and dishes in my own room and just wash them and put them back in my room when im done.

i dont want to cut them out completely, as you say because theyre still my friends, even if i dont have anything in common with them anymore, that may change.

I think the worst thing about falling out of touch with them is literally the lack of conversation, I only have a proper conversation every few weeks once i go home or see my girlfriend. Jeepers i start to feel like im in a b-movie version of castaway sometimes.

Roisy7

Excedion wrote: »

Hi just want to say thanks to the other posters for you help i would love to take a j1 work visa but i dont think id be able to secure a job and wouldnt have the money to get a guaranteed job trip.

Roisy you really hit the nail on the head though, im really bored and uncomfortable even though im living with people i consider to be friends also despite the fact they spent all day in the house they wouldnt even clean a dish. I've cleaned the entire house several times more for my own health than anything else but it just gets trashed about 3 days later. its gotten to the point where i keep a set of cutlery and dishes in my own room and just wash them and put them back in my room when im done.

i dont want to cut them out completely, as you say because theyre still my friends, even if i dont have anything in common with them anymore, that may change.

I think the worst thing about falling out of touch with them is literally the lack of conversation, I only have a proper conversation every few weeks once i go home or see my girlfriend. Jeepers i start to feel like im in a b-movie version of castaway sometimes.

Thanks Excedion, glad it helped! I have been in similar situations, I remember keeping a dish and spoon (they're multifunctional lol) clean and living off microwaved lasagne for a month... Rag week was in march and the bin bags were left in the sitting room until the end of April!! Just thinking of that house makes me sick...

I know how you feel but it's not that long til the end if semester now, so maybe try and make sure you're out of the house a good bit? My college had great sports facilities and although the evenings the gym was very busy there were running tracks etc around, you could go for a run with headphones or whatever... Maybe get Agee box sets, chill out...

Final piece of advice... Make sure things are ok with your landlord! I basically lived at home for the last month of college and unreal damage was done to the house. Landlord refused to believe I hadn't been there and refused to give back my deposit!

LegacyUser

From what you have told us you don't want to lose your friends but if they are turning into a crowd of dope heads your better off staying away from them.
If this is all they are doing every day they won't be back in college next year.
I would tell them that they you all need to keep the house clean and to remove the rubbish as often as possible. Tell them if the landlord calls around you want the house to be clean and you all want to get your deposit back at the end of the college year.

It is good that you have the cop on to start to move away from these people. In college you want to enjoy yourself but you want to get your exams and graduate at the same time.
I would look for another place to live in the next college year as this will broaden your circle of friends.

Lenmeister

Well look if you have to keep your own cutlery and dishes in your own room the place must be a joke. I'd never be able to walk into a place like that. Can't believe Roisy had bin bags there for well over a month that would really annoy me. Look talking to them isn't really going to do anything and it's pretty pointless to expect them to do anything if all they ever do is sit around taking drugs. You need to change your social circle fast and get into a new place. Don't wait to do it, the sooner the better. I found that doing that can get 1 or 2 of the others to do the same - some people are like sheep but if one changes then they will too. Either way I'd suggest getting a new place, you can make new friends after that.

Roisy7

Lenmeister wrote: »

Well look if you have to keep your own cutlery and dishes in your own room the place must be a joke. I'd never be able to walk into a place like that. Can't believe Roisy had bin bags there for well over a month that would really annoy me. Look talking to them isn't really going to do anything and it's pretty pointless to expect them to do anything if all they ever do is sit around taking drugs. You need to change your social circle fast and get into a new place. Don't wait to do it, the sooner the better. I found that doing that can get 1 or 2 of the others to do the same - some people are like sheep but if one changes then they will too. Either way I'd suggest getting a new place, you can make new friends after that.

Just to explain a little more of my own experience. I was never really friends with the people I lived with, I knew the two girls from a class we were in, my closest friends at the time lived at home so had no-one to move in with. I was lucky in that I lived far enough away to commute and basically towards the end I would come up on the Tuesday and go home on the Thursday; also I injured myself in an accident so that was another excuse to stay home. I basically moved home in March, remember coming back for the last of my stuff in April and being appalled at the bin bags still being there.

Looking back I was very naive and wrong how I handled it, I should have complained to the landlord, called them out on it, but as you probably know Excedion that's easier said than done. I remember having an exam at 9am and they started drinking the night before- one of the girls promised they would go to another house after the club, do you think they did? 6am I got to sleep that night.

It is hard when you don't want to seem like a loser for not partying, but at the end of the day most of them scraped out with bad degrees, and like you, I didn't want that. I was very lucky to get into college in the first place, it's a chance my father and none of his siblings got, it's a chance most people in the world don't get, and I wanted to make the most of it and get a good degree.

There's so little time left now (I presume you're on Easter hols this week or next week) you could presumably stick it out? But like I said, do make sure everything is square with the landlord, I know it might feel like ratting them out but better that than losing your deposit. Unless he's a complete idiot it won't get back to them anyway.

I know you don't have the luxury of commuting like I did, so maybe you could move out? Unfortunately (I don't know where in the country you are) it could be hard to find somewhere that will take a student for such short length of time and you might find yourself caught in a lease, especially if you want to go home for the summer.

I didn't fall out necessarily with the people I lived with either, still drank with them a few times after, but I would never have lived with them again.

The Pheasant

This may be a long shot but, have you tried confronting them and telling them how you feel? Don't do it in a nasty or angry way, just explain that you feel isolated from them etc - I've had the same group of friends my entire life and I feel like I could say anything to them if it got this bad...you may be afraid they'll "disown" you as a friend but if you've known them for that long they may be receptive to change...even if they don't take it well, you were still gonna move out anyway so that wouldn't be all that bad anyway. Best of luck whatever you choose to do OP