really want to be friends with my ex

bobsnob

Okay lads, ill try keep it as brief as possible, basically we broke up 3 months ago. We broke up about 4 months 1st before that(i dumped her) but she took me back but we got into a fight and she said thats it.We were together 3 and a half years. For about 6 weeks afterwards we were still in contact, she told my mum she wanted to call down at xmas?

We ent eachother happy xmas and new yr messages? I was quite happy being friends but stupidly 1 night when i got loneley i asked for her back and pushed:mad: she then cut me off. I asked her would we cut contact for a month and then meet up for a catch up? she said ya but when i contacted her she hung up the phone. i sent her an email and she replied she doesnt want me to contact her anymore:mad:

I stupidly said are u sure, u sure u dont wanna meet up once and she said stop im sure, i said sorry now and thats that.

The only thing is though I really want this person to share some part of my life, she made me go back to college and im so close to my degree. I dont wanna be in a relationship for a long time. shes blocked all my family and me from facebook and everything. Would i be best off never contacting her again? Do ya think i will ever get this girl back as a friend? I really, really hope I do

Meauldsegosha

She has made her position perfectly clear, she doesn't want to stay in contact. You have to respect her wishes and let it go.

Stavro Mueller

What it looks like to me is that you've not gotten over her and you're only lying to yourself by saying you want her to be your friend. You're after something more and she's having none of it. So it's actually for your own good that she has cut contact. Otherwise you'll only be fooling yourself into thinking there's a glimmer of hope. So respect the girl's wishes and leave her alone. Maybe down the line when you're both over this, you might think differently and be friends. But certainly not any time soon.

Sephiroth_dude

bobsnob wrote: »

Okay lads, ill try keep it as brief as possible, basically we broke up 3 months ago. We broke up about 4 months 1st before that(i dumped her) but she took me back but we got into a fight and she said thats it.We were together 3 and a half years. For about 6 weeks afterwards we were still in contact, she told my mum she wanted to call down at xmas?

We ent eachother happy xmas and new yr messages? I was quite happy being friends but stupidly 1 night when i got loneley i asked for her back and pushed:mad: she then cut me off. I asked her would we cut contact for a month and then meet up for a catch up? she said ya but when i contacted her she hung up the phone. i sent her an email and she replied she doesnt want me to contact her anymore:mad:

I stupidly said are u sure, u sure u dont wanna meet up once and she said stop im sure, i said sorry now and thats that.

The only thing is though I really want this person to share some part of my life, she made me go back to college and im so close to my degree. I dont wanna be in a relationship for a long time. shes blocked all my family and me from facebook and everything. Would i be best off never contacting her again? Do ya think i will ever get this girl back as a friend? I really, really hope I do

You have to leave her go,if she doesn't want anything to do with you just let her go and move on,nothing you do will change her mind,keep pestering her and your just gonna push her away even more.

bobsnob

absoloutely devestated, how the hell do i get over this. how long will it take, i wanted her so badly in my life

Sephiroth_dude

bobsnob wrote: »

absoloutely devestated, how the hell do i get over this. how long will it take, i wanted her so badly in my life

I know how tough it is,I know it hurts when someone you really care about tells you they don't want you to be a part of there life anymore,keep yourself busy,go out with your friends,take up a new hobby,concentrate on your degree,it's not easy but you'll get there in the end,Its just takes time.

bobsnob

How long? Cant belive ill never see her again

Stavro Mueller

How long is a piece of string? Look, the sooner you accept that this is over the sooner you can start to heal. I can only go by what you wrote here but it looks like you were the architect of all this - for reasons best known to yourself you dumped her. This business of staying friends with an ex in the immediate aftermath of a break-up is hogwash in my book. It tends to end in tears and this is a classic example of it.

BraziliaNZ

bobsnob wrote: »

How long? Cant belive ill never see her again

Could be a year? 2 years? 6 months? But sounds like it's going to take you ages. Alas, all part of life mon ami, just get on with it. Salsa dancing seems to be the medicine everyone recommends here for just about every emotional ailment. But no seriously, just keep on living your life and sooner or later you'll realise none of all this drama matters anymore.

ShowMeTheCash

bobsnob wrote: »

How long? Cant belive ill never see her again

Here dude, chin up! Believe it or not you will find this easier as time goes on.....

And believe it or not it is probably best for you both... I have seen people "try and be friends" after a break-up... It does not work!!!
It may work for a while but when you start seeing someone knew or when she starts seeing someone knew it becomes very complicated for a new relationship when the ex is till involved...

Deep breath, take as much as you can from your experience and try to look forward, go on a trip, spend 6 months in Thailand do something cool... After a while you will see it from a totally different perspective.

Best of Luck!

AnonoBoy

Sorry dude but that's life.

Most people find it very difficult to remain friends with someone they went out with especially when it's 'more than friends' with one of them. And let's face it you want more than friends.

Think about it rationally. If you were just friends with her you'd have no problem hanging out with her and a new boyfriend.

Could you do that? See her kissing another guy, holding hands, laughing with him - see them heading home at the end of the night together?

You'd be jealous.

So although it hurts now it's definitely for the best for this to be the way it is.

There are other girls. Brilliant girls. Filthy girls. Funny girls. Amazing girls. Fantastic girls who will want you.

Good luck.

bobsnob

1 final thing is we broke up in a fight, she wont see me to break up with me to my face. Whys she so afraid to see me????

What im gonna do which ive been told to do is write her a letter saying, good luck, thanks for everything and sorry for harrassing you, I promise i wont contact you again and let it go?

I was told thats the only way ill be able to let it go cause i never got to see her to her face??

Meauldsegosha

bobsnob wrote: »

1 final thing is we broke up in a fight, she wont see me to break up with me to my face. Whys she so afraid to see me????

What im gonna do which ive been told to do is write her a letter saying, good luck, thanks for everything and sorry for harrassing you, I promise i wont contact you again and let it go?

I was told thats the only way ill be able to let it go cause i never got to see her to her face??

In your opening post you said you sent her an email, said you were sorry and she asked you not to contact her again. So write the letter for your own sake but don't send it.

Stavro Mueller

Look, leave it be. I know you mean well but there comes a time when you need to throw out the shovel and stop digging the hole you're in.

From your ex's point of view, I can understand why she doesn't want to have anything more to do with you. Don't forget that you were the one who dumped her in the first instance. My guess is that this coloured everything that followed. Things probably were never quite right for her after you got back together and this may have continued on into your "friendship".

She might not want to see you because she's fed up of being messed about. Or because she doesn't think you can continue to be friends. Or because she reckons that staying in contact with you is going to stop her from moving on with her life. There could be other reasons of course.

They all boil down to the same thing though. She does not want anything at all to do with you. She has gone to the trouble of blocking you and your family from Facebook - don't be surprised if she takes steps to block your number from her phone as well if you continue to try and contact her. At this time, even sending her a letter could be like pouring petrol onto a fire. The best thing you can do is respect her wishes and leave the girl alone. Maybe some time in the future you might be able to be more civil about this. But for now it just sounds like harassment.

December2012

She's in pain. Respect her wishes and leave her alone so she can get over this.

CaraMay

bobsnob wrote: »

1 final thing is we broke up in a fight, she wont see me to break up with me to my face.

You have broken up so why do you need to see her for her to dump you again? Have some pride and leave her alone.

bobsnob

UPDATE: Right lads can someone advise me here. We cut all contact about 2 months ago and I just sent a brief apology email and told her best of luck.

Yesterday I got an email saying best of luck in my exams, all is forgiven, the past is the past, take care to which i just replied thanks a million and left it at that, thinking id never hear from her again.

Last night i went to the cinema with a friend, I noticed someone in the isle across from me and it was her "oh no" I thought and sat there anxiously hoping she wouldnt see me.

Next thing someone throws a piece of popcorn at my head and I look over and shes waving away at me?I wave back and wait anxiously for the film to end. The lights come on and I dunno what to do, shes with her sister. I just go up to say hows it going and she gives me this huge hug. We walk all the way back to the car park together talking about how we're doing etc, all positive, nothing from the past was brought up.

I get home telling myself do not text her even though I really wanted to, stupidly though I just sent a brief text and immediately regretted it, it wasnt a text to reply to just best of luck, good seeing you BUT within 10 minutes she texts back saying great to c u, lookin like yer doing very well, keep yer head down and get those exams.

Its about the 1st time in 4 months she text me, interestingly she told me last night shes still been keeping contact with my mother.

So, Im moving to america in six weeks for the summer. Id love to meet her for a coffee before I go. Should I just leave it or text her in a couple of weeks seeing does she wanna meet up?

Im delighted were on civil terms again and that im now emotionally stable enough to see her without breaking down, any advice is appreciated

irishgirl19

i would.id put it like 'oh do ya wanna have a final catch up to say goodbye before I go. you have to do what makes you happy. but you may get feelings coming back and that could make it hard moving away.
i think if she keeps in contact with your Mam then you mustnt be all that bad. because i wouldn't stay in touch with my exs Mam if my ex was a pyscho even if i was very fond of her.
good luck and keep us posted

bobsnob

Its strange because a couple of months ago it seemed like she wanted nothing to do with me. Ya she knows my mental health issues and knows Im not a bad person( well I hope anyway). Her sister was really friendly to me last night too which was good to see.

I cant believe how stable i am, if this was even a month ago I wouldnt be able to hold back my emotions.

Think I will text her now with no expectations in a few weeks, be great to say goodbye

irishgirl19

yeah I know what ya mean.I would be the same as you I would like to say goodbye. If you leave it for a while to ask well then she won't think your coming on too strong after seeing her or anything. its probably best not to invest too much either now that you are moving.also it could be a good thing for your friendship she might find it easier to talk to you through viber and Whats app and that,because she won't have the worry of you wanting to get back with her cuz your away

Stavro Mueller

You should tread cautiously here. It's nice that your ex isn't harbouring ill feelings towards you any more but don't get ahead of yourself here. From your point of view, you need to be very honest with yourself. Is it genuinely only ordinary platonic friendship you seek now or is there a part of you that wants to get back with her? Let's say she told you today that she had met a new man and she really really liked him, how would you feel? If there's even a sliver of jealousy, don't go there.

bobsnob

She hasn't;)

and anyway im moving away so tbh if she did/does in the future it doesn't bother me in the slightest, i enjoy talking to her.

WHEN she gets a new man out of respect for her and her new bf I would of course cut communication unless she was comfortable with it

irishgirl19

bobsnob wrote: »

She hasn't;)

and anyway im moving away so tbh if she did/does in the future it doesn't bother me in the slightest, i enjoy talking to her.

WHEN she gets a new man out of respect for her and her new bf I would of course cut communication unless she was comfortable with it

Then you've nothing to lose

bobsnob

thanks guys

bobsnob

Further Update: We've text a small bit recently, she text me to say good luck in my exams and she told me shed got a promotion in work. I just said **** it and asked her did she wanna meet for a coffee before I go and she said that sounded "lovely" and tell my family she was asking.

Meeting her now next week, haven't spoke now in 3 days and Id like to wait now till next week before speaking again one on one.

Any advice for when I meet her?

msg11

bobsnob wrote: »

Further Update: We've text a small bit recently, she text me to say good luck in my exams and she told me shed got a promotion in work. I just said **** it and asked her did she wanna meet for a coffee before I go and she said that sounded "lovely" and tell my family she was asking.

Meeting her now next week, haven't spoke now in 3 days and Id like to wait now till next week before speaking again one on one.

Any advice for when I meet her?

Don't look to much into it and don't go to full on when you meet her. Are you sure you really want to bring all these memories back from the past? Been friends with your ex is extremely hard..

bobsnob

Well im moving to America the day after I meet her. I never said goodbye to her and I would like to catch up. I already met her and didn't get overflown with emotion. quite looking forward to the meeting actually

msg11

bobsnob wrote: »

Well im moving to America the day after I meet her. I never said goodbye to her and I would like to catch up. I already met her and didn't get overflown with emotion. quite looking forward to the meeting actually

Well then you should be fine. Just have a catch up with her and wish her well a few goodbyes etc..

bobsnob

Cheers

irishgirl19

Do you think the feelings would come back?
Then your head might be wrecked going to the states

bobsnob

no, I know were not getting back together

irishgirl19

bobsnob wrote: »

no, I know were not getting back together

well if your headstrong it should be grand.you'll probably enjoy yourself. I know if it was me I might find it a bit hard if I had feelings for the peson that's what I meant by my previous post

bobsnob

thanks, ill update this post after our meeting

irishgirl19

Yeah do I hope it goes well, good luck :-)

bobsnob

hey guys, been a whil since I posted here. Basically she tried to reschedule the meeting before I left so I said don't worry about it and just forgot about her. Anyway we were emailing now and then when I was away which eventually moved to a phone call. She called up to my house to catch up Saturday night, I was home Friday and we went for a drink with a few of my family. I kept it as casual as possible. When she was leaving I did feel like I was saying goodbye but she then said just before I left "get a new phone so we can talk eh". I just said ya I I will and asked does she wanna go for a drink before a gig in a few weeks to which she said yes. Its her birthday today, should I message her or just leave things as they are?

maguic24

bobsnob wrote: »

hey guys, been a whil since I posted here. Basically she tried to reschedule the meeting before I left so I said don't worry about it and just forgot about her. Anyway we were emailing now and then when I was away which eventually moved to a phone call. She called up to my house to catch up Saturday night, I was home Friday and we went for a drink with a few of my family. I kept it as casual as possible. When she was leaving I did feel like I was saying goodbye but she then said just before I left "get a new phone so we can talk eh". I just said ya I I will and asked does she wanna go for a drink before a gig in a few weeks to which she said yes. Its her birthday today, should I message her or just leave things as they are?

In my honest opinion, I think ye are holding each other back from meeting new people. It is obvious from your posts you still care about this girl and would jump at the opportunity to get back together. My advice would be to cool it a little bit.

I've been there and I know how hard it is, but you have to move on, they're your ex for a reason. Good luck with whatever decision you make!!

bobsnob

I have moved on!!!

maguic24

bobsnob wrote: »

I have moved on!!!

How would you feel if you never talked to this girl again?

bobsnob

maguic24 wrote: »

How would you feel if you never talked to this girl again?

I'd get over it. Simple as do people think I should meet her for a drink or not, that's all I'm asking

maguic24

bobsnob wrote: »

I'd get over it. Simple as do people think I should meet her for a drink or not, that's all I'm asking

No, OP, I don't think you should. For your own sake and for hers, I think you should distance yourself. That's my own personal opinion.

I went out with this guy for a good while, but we ended up breaking up because it wasn't working. He wanted to still be friends, so we kept in contact for a while but it got ridiculous. He asked me to get back with him a couple of times and would get really jealous. In the end I had to cut contact because it was killing him.

If you are posting on boards about what you should do and talking about looking forward to meeting her, then you are not truly over her and you're only kidding yourself. If you cut contact for 6 months/a year straight and then got back into contact, maybe you could be friends but not after 2 months...

bobsnob

cheers guys

Catari Jaguar

Listen to yourself. "Should I text? Should I go out? What will I say/do? Am I casual enough?" etc. Friendship is not something that is forced so don’t turn the two of you being friends into amateur dramatics. If it feels like it’s too much effort, it’s because it is too much effort!

If you are going to be friends with your ex, you need to proceed with caution and ask yourself what your reasons are for staying friends. If you are harbouring feelings towards her with the hope of getting back together one day, your agenda isn’t friendship and you have bigger problems on your hands.

bobsnob

UPDATE AGAIN:

Weve been getting on really well last few weeks, shes initiating contact and everything. Met up Friday evening for a drink, had a great laugh and let each other go.

Then stupidity: Met her out that night, I was hammered drunk, we had a laugh dancing and the whole lot, a lot of stupid **** was said on both parts, she telling me we were going out a long time, she obviously cares about me, that she wanted to text me a few more times but didn't, she told me she hadn't been dating anyone or seeing anyone. I stupidly told her I did see people:eek:..wot was I thinking, and told her id such a great time when we were together etc etc. Anyway ended up going back to her place, chatting, having a great time, stayed with her and thankfully no sex.

Woke up still drunk the next morning and told her I hated the 1 she lived with...eeek but said sorry was just a bit angry. She gave me a lift home anyway and I was still drunk in the car ffs. WE talked and I stupidly said to her that last night was silly we shouldn't meet up anymore and I don't ever wanna see, hear or whatever from u again and she agreed.

Anyway Text her the next day saying I was drunk in the morning, sorry for what I said. Told her if her lifes better without me in it than I accept it now and will let you go for good but by god iv really enjoyed the last few weeks and would love my friend back.

To which she replied "Of course we can be friends, better leave the drink off though".

Were meeting again in a couple of weeks to just have some fun and a chat and were talking away grand again now...

What im worried about is that im going to get feelings for this girl again..when I was with her in bed Friday I knew I could have sex but thankfully let it go and some feelings started to come back when she was cuddling into me...

Now I've talked to my friends and parents about this and this girl has helped me through a lot...All I simply want is what is best for her. With or without me. Am I holding her back by meeting up with her and stuff.

I love hanging aound with her and having fun and stuff but I don't want to stop her living her life and at this moment though it is not the descision I would prefer..i would be able to let her go...

Any advice on this situation people???

WhatNowForUs?

bobsnob wrote: »

UPDATE AGAIN:

Weve been getting on really well last few weeks, shes initiating contact and everything. Met up Friday evening for a drink, had a great laugh and let each other go.

Then stupidity: Met her out that night, I was hammered drunk, we had a laugh dancing and the whole lot, a lot of stupid **** was said on both parts, she telling me we were going out a long time, she obviously cares about me, that she wanted to text me a few more times but didn't, she told me she hadn't been dating anyone or seeing anyone. I stupidly told her I did see people:eek:..wot was I thinking, and told her id such a great time when we were together etc etc. Anyway ended up going back to her place, chatting, having a great time, stayed with her and thankfully no sex.

Woke up still drunk the next morning and told her I hated the 1 she lived with...eeek but said sorry was just a bit angry. She gave me a lift home anyway and I was still drunk in the car ffs. WE talked and I stupidly said to her that last night was silly we shouldn't meet up anymore and I don't ever wanna see, hear or whatever from u again and she agreed.

Anyway Text her the next day saying I was drunk in the morning, sorry for what I said. Told her if her lifes better without me in it than I accept it now and will let you go for good but by god iv really enjoyed the last few weeks and would love my friend back.

To which she replied "Of course we can be friends, better leave the drink off though".

Were meeting again in a couple of weeks to just have some fun and a chat and were talking away grand again now...

What im worried about is that im going to get feelings for this girl again..when I was with her in bed Friday I knew I could have sex but thankfully let it go and some feelings started to come back when she was cuddling into me...

Now I've talked to my friends and parents about this and this girl has helped me through a lot...All I simply want is what is best for her. With or without me. Am I holding her back by meeting up with her and stuff.

I love hanging aound with her and having fun and stuff but I don't want to stop her living her life and at this moment though it is not the descision I would prefer..i would be able to let her go...

Any advice on this situation people???

Read back over the posts presented to you. The answers are in there.

bobsnob

CUT ALL CONTACT?? Should I even tell her???

no offence here with what im about to say..... but,
you are a headwreck OP.

ye broke up last march, is that right?

just get on with your own lives. leave each other alone.
you dont know what you want at all, thats clear, so leave her alone.

do you really want to keep doing this for years?
tell her, dont tell her, its up to you but neither of ye are getting anywhere like this.

move on, for both your sakes.

bobsnob

bubblypop wrote: »

no offence here with what im about to say..... but,
you are a headwreck OP.

ye broke up last march, is that right?

just get on with your own lives. leave each other alone.
you dont know what you want at all, thats clear, so leave her alone.

do you really want to keep doing this for years?
tell her, dont tell her, its up to you but neither of ye are getting anywhere like this.

move on, for both your sakes.

Youre right buddy. Thanks. that's it. end of

ShowMeTheCash

bobsnob wrote: »

Youre right buddy. Thanks. that's it. end of

LOL - We all know you are going to do what you want! I think you are just looking for people to agree that what you are doing is the correct thing to do..

Here's what it looks like...

She does not want you!
That's it, if she really wanted you I would go as far to say she could probably get you back and by the sounds of it she knows it...

But just because she does not want you does not mean she has moved on! By the sounds of it she has not.... But don't worry, she will eventually!

You are the comfortable friend the guy she knows....

Looking back through the thread it seems you have allowed yourself to be this guy....

Reading your posts you keep saying things like "I stupidly said this and I stupidly said that......" I think the whole relationship seems stupid, what are you doing with her???

You say you have moved on, it does not appear that way, no guy that has moved on needs to be out with his ex who is only c##k blocking him from finding someone else!

Put it to bed before you are back on here telling us how you met her out drunk and made a scene infront of her new fella and now the garda have been round telling you to leave her alone! But you still think you can be freinds!

Ickle Magoo

bobsnob wrote: »

Youre right buddy. Thanks. that's it. end of

I'm going to lock the thread now OP because I think you've had all the advice PI can offer you.

All the very best.