Would you trust him?

Doode

My boyfriend of 7 months (both in our late 30’s) has recently told me that he has cheated on every girlfriend he has ever had (apart from one, his previous) since he started dating in his teens. A few months ago after a tiff and the reactionary “it’s over” statement, within hours he meets up with a girl that he knows casually from dating. A couple of drinks later in the pub and they end up kissing. I found this out a few weeks later when he admitted it to me only because I said in general conversation that kissing was cheating.

He said he has either slept or kissed other girls while in relationships. But he justified it by saying that he wasn’t in love with any of the girls in these relationships and that he doesn’t see this as being a problem. His last relationship was for 4 years and this ended over a year ago, and he swears he never cheated on her.

However, his argument is that he hasn’t cheated on me because I had insisted it was over and walked out of the conversation. But within hours he is hooking up with another girl that he has dated before and according to him they just kissed. She did put it to him that she wanted sex that night, but he said he didn’t go there because he was in love with me.

He has said that he would never cheat on me (he doesn’t think he did so far!) and that he is in love with me and would never give in to temptation because he has found a girl that he can see a future with and would do nothing untoward to jeopardise that. Am I insane and naive to believe him and more to the point if he has a record of cheating on almost every relationships he has had, surely that is form for him to continue to do so in the future? I thought we had a future together as it is something both of us would like to.

Finding all of this out has made me question whether I trust him anymore. I did because I never had any reason not to, but now I’m not so sure.

Any advice?

Ella

Late 30's? Really? This sounds like a teenage relationship. He has cheated on nearly every girl he has been with and kissed someone the night you broke up? I'd be long gone if i were in your shoes.

Forever Hopeful

Op,

Run for the hills. You guys have a tiff and within hours he's in a pub with another girl he dated casually. He kissed her but she wanted more but the fact that he's in love with you meant he wouldn't.

He's good.

If he was that in love with you he wouldn't have girls on speed dial or be kissing them 4 hours later.
Is this gonna happen every time you have a row? This guy is a player.

judgefudge

I was with someone like this. And guess what... He cheated on me! And why? Because we were having problems! Because that's a great excuse.

It doesn't sound like he accepts the fact that cheating was a ****ty thing to do, whether he loved the girls or not.

To be honest he sounds selfish and basically like he could be an ass. I went out with someone the exact same.

Could he have changed? Maybe... I don't know him. But just based off what you've said in your OP, no I wouldn't trust him at all.

Brego888

Would I trust him? In a word - no
Oh how kind he was for not sleeping with this girl a few hours after you broke up. He only kissed her and then turned her down. A real gentleman.
Cheating is always unacceptable but sometimes forgivable depending on the circumstances and relationship.
What you do here is up to you because of the grey area of if you were broken up or not. But he waited a whole few hours before moving on to someone he had clearly already lined up recently or been in touch with.
He has a long history of cheating.
He's telling you what he told every other girl he's been with.
Is he trustworthy? Absolutely not.

Doode

Op here. Thank you for the replies. The thing is, up until the point of knowing all of this I would never have suspected anything. On all other levels he is a decent person who seems genuinely into this relationship and where he would like it to go. And I really say with all sincerity that we get on really well together and have developed what I had thought a good relationship (as much as one can after 7 months!)

I do take the point though that if he has cheated once, what’s to say he wouldn’t do it again and again if things got so bad. But can someone change? He has told me time and again that he regretted what he had done in his past, even though he justifies it, and that he deeply regrets having kissed another girl within hours of us “breaking up”. But he was upset and angry.

It does all sound very juvenile and immature, but I assure you that he is very mature when it comes to day to day happenings, but if he can fall by the way side so easily before, there is a doubt in my mind that he will do it again. I’m just not sure if I should give him the benefit and move on in my head or end it and be done with the doubt…

Brego888

It's easier for us to be objective from the outside. Obviously your thoughts are complicated by your feelings for him.
You could still be happy with him for a long time but I think it's almost inevitable what he'll do.
He's says he didn't cheat on his last girlfriend. That exactly what I would say to my girlfriend if she was questioning my trustworthiness over my relationship history.
If a friend came to you with this problem what would you say?

judgefudge

It sounds like you don't want to see him for what he is. And I can totally understand that I've been there. It may take getting hurt for you to get out of this relationship. Try and step back and see this objectively. Have you spoken to friends about it?

Forever Hopeful

Op,
I was in kinda the same boat a few years ago except I knew the guy cheated on his LT girlfriend.
They split and he came after me. I had my eyes wide open and heart protected. He was mature, intelligent and perfectly lovely. He charmed the pants off me and my head barely fit through the door. For a short while I thought maybe but in the end he did it to me. I was upset but not devastated because I knew the chance was there. It was a bit of fun for a while.
I've seen the girl he cheated on his gfriend with be completely devastated by him. What should she expect.
Walk away.

IQDENIED

Get out quick while you can, sorry to say but it's how I feel a life of misery not worth it.. plenty of nice people out there or so I'm told.. (str8M)

blatantrereg

If you say your relationship's over you can't object to him taking your word for it. Don't be too upset if he holds you to that next time either. In my experience it's the same people who say that without meaning it who won't p!ss off when you are supposed to be rid of them.
I'd see his faithfulness with his previous partner for four years as more significant than admitted cheating over five years ago. He appears to be honest with you.
Your relationship sounds kinda **** though anyway. You might want to end it just because it's a crappy relationship, rather than because you can't trust your partner.

CaraMay

I agree with the above poster - it sounds like a bad relationship for people in their late 30's. how do you get to the point you are dumping your partner like that. He was single, licking his wounds and was feeling sorry for himself. He did nothing wrong technically. He sounds like he is being honest with you. How did ye end up getting back together.

Merkin

He told you he cheats on everyone to pre-warn you and to give himself a pathetic getout clause when he cheats on you as well. You'll have another row, he'll get the legover with some unsuspecting floozy and then come back to you with the refrain, "but I told you I always cheat". He's told you this information to prepare you for the inevitable. The writing is on the wall with this one, not just because he can't keep his knob in his trousers but also because he sounds like he has the emotional intelligence of a not-very-bright adolescent. I'm actually stunned that you say he's in his late 30s. Late teens maybe but..... Get shot of him.

Beruthiel

Doode wrote: »

The thing is, up until the point of knowing all of this I would never have suspected anything. On all other levels he is a decent person who seems genuinely into this relationship and where he would like it to go. And I really say with all sincerity that we get on really well together and have developed what I had thought a good relationship

You can be a really nice person and still be a serial cheat. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

Now, you know he has cheated on ever single past relationship.
Do you think that you are so special that he won't do the same to you?
In fact, hasn't he already?

You don't need to come on here asking us to justify his behaviour. We won't.
And, I believe deep down, you already know the answer to your question, you are just finding it difficult to face.
Sorry Doode. Don't waste anymore time on him.

Doode

OP Here



Blatantrereg & CaraMay – I think it is unfair of you to say that my relationship is a crappy one, it’s not. We had a row one day and in the heat of the moment I called time on it. Technically he may have been single from that point but to hook up with another girl within hours seems really crappy to me. BTW, the next day we were back on track to being boyfriend and girlfriend and I was none the wiser! It took him a couple of months to admit he kissed another girl and then only in the past couple of weeks did he tell me about continuous cheating on previous girlfriends. Also I can only take his word that he didn’t cheat on the girl he was with for 4 years, but from all accounts that wasn’t a good relationship, hence why it ended.

If he has never disclosed his indiscretions from his past I probably wouldn’t be asking for advice on trust. I would have chalked it down to him venting and being angry on that one occasion. But the fact that he has told me in the last couple of weeks about never being faithful to any girl has really thrown me.

He cheated on other girlfriends and openly admitted that like it was some kind of achievement on one hand but said he regretted his behaviour on the other. Also I don’t know the circumstances on which he cheated before but I am assuming because it was on offer and he didn’t care.

His full disclosure is honesty but cheating on girlfriends is not being honest with himself. Perhaps technically he didn’t cheat on me,but he certainly had no problem in lining up another girl within hours of us “breakingup”. Can someone be that vulnerable and weak that when the **** hits the fan they go looking for comfort elsewhere or if an offer is put up to them, they will take it in the hope they never get caught out? That’s my issue – can you trust someone that says they have learned from their mistakes or once a cheater, always a cheater…?

Beruthiel

If he had cheated once, there might have been hope.
He cheated on ALL of his past relationships.

So, in his case, once a cheater, always a cheater.

PlainP

The fact he has been honest with you about his past to me speaks volumes. He could have said nothing to you about any of it yet he did so IMO I feel he's turning a corner in relation to his behaviour.

Saying all that personally I don't think I could stay with him as it would always nag me about his past behaviour but that's just the type of person I am.

Its a tough one op, are you the type of person to not let this nagging doubt creep into your mind or will it tear you up always thinking well he's done it before?

blatantrereg

Beruthiel wrote: »

If he had cheated once, there might have been hope.
He cheated on ALL of his past relationships.

So, in his case, once a cheater, always a cheater.

OP wrote:

Also I can only take his word that he didn’t cheat on the girl he was with for 4 years, but from all accounts that wasn’t a good relationship, hence why it ended.

But the fact that he has told me in the last couple of weeks about never being faithful to any girl has really thrown me.

He probably didn't cheat on his last ex though. I don't see why he'd tell you about ones ages ago if he was concealing something more recent. A more recent indiscretion would be more likely to be revealed - unless it was common knowledge that he cheated on the others or something. But again he chose to tell you that he kissed someone else. Some responders have put that down to mindgames, but I see no reason to assume that's the case really.

I was pretty blunt about my assessment of your relationship, so sorry for that. However the fact things escalated so much from a tiff is a really bad sign. The fact you're asking here about whether you can trust him is also a really bad sign.

Doode

Op here

Sometimes I do think that he is emotionally juvenile and he has said that he did cheat before because he was immature in that way. And because he was never in love with any of these girls over the years he wasn’t hurting anyone. But the fact that he would disrespect someone in that way, irrelevant of feelings, is not a very nice trait

He said he loved the girl he was with for 4 years and he loves me, hence why he would never do anything to jeopardise that. But it seemed to come all to easily to him before. Maybe he is turning a corner and realising the error of his ways. But pairing his previous behaviour with the incident while we are together, it’s just screaming out doubt in my mind.

For me the problem is I don’t know if I can deal with him being so honest about his infidelities with other girls. It’s all well and good being upfront but it does plant doubt about trust and would I always wonder what he was up to. Maybe he has or is trying to change but I think there is an emotional weakness there that he could justify cheating as him dealing with a situation.

username123

Doode wrote: »

For me the problem is I don’t know if I can deal with him being so honest about his infidelities with other girls. It’s all well and good being upfront but it does plant doubt about trust and would I always wonder what he was up to. Maybe he has or is trying to change but I think there is an emotional weakness there that he could justify cheating as him dealing with a situation.

Wow, this guy is a fantastic manipulator!! He has you right where he wants you.

On the one hand, he has now managed to get you to accept him kissing someone else within a few hours of "Its over" (presumably shouted in a heated moment - entirely silly and immature way to handle conflict resolution in a relationship btw but anyhoo....), on the basis that he was SOO emotionally disturbed that he needed comfort - but but, guess what - he didnt sleep with her (yeah right), so isnt he the hero???

Then, having gotten you to accept that, he discloses, well, actually, Ive always been a cheater - except with the last one. Thats a very important distinction because he wants you to understand his weaknesses, but be sure to know that if he REALLY LOVES the girl - he doesnt do it (more BS). So now he has a double get out clause - well I was really upset, OR, I wouldnt have done it if I really loved you - which leads to a nice easy way to turn it back onto you for not making him love you enough.

Anyway, given the above, and given that you guys are not 16/17/18 years of age - which is about what I would expect from the story in question - yes, you have met a player, no, he is not going to change. He loves HIM. Surely thats obvious to you. If he was truly in love with you, wouldnt he be at home licking his wounds or talking it out with a friend if you dumped him? Not out kissing old flames.

I think your eyes are wide open but you just dont want to accept the truth, this guy has manipulated you into a situation where you dont know what to be thinking, he has somehow made his cheating seem like something you should feel sorry for him for.

P. Breathnach

So until he was in his thirties he had never been faithful to any partner, and thought it was okay because he wasn't in love with them. Why was he in a relationship with any of them? That's not the way normal relationships work. While I don't want to believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater", somebody who has a record of cheating with such little compunction would worry me.

You and he seem to have had a blazing row in which you said words to the effect of "that's it; we're finished.". Did you really believe that you were finished, or was it words said in the heat of the moment? My guess is that, as you were back together the very next day, neither of you truly believed that you were finished.

So what explains his behaviour? If he loved you and thought he had lost you, seeking solace in the arms of another woman on the day he lost you looks unlikely: most people would have a period of licking their wounds before going out looking for action. It looks more likely to me that it was a way of striking back at you, even though he didn't tell you at the time - a sort of internal "that'll teach her". If that's a fair reading, you can't trust him.

Doode

Op here..
That is what worries me, the record of cheating. I agree with P. Breathnach when you suggest that he was trying to get back at me, but it was hurtful to run to another woman within hours. I was very upset when he told me but I tried to put it out of mind and move on because there was so much going for us as a couple that one silly indiscretion shouldn’t ruin everything. But now that I am factoring in his record of cheating, that is something different and I have to question him as a person.

I know it should be clear cut and if I have doubts I should end it, but my achilles heel is that I love him and thought we had a future together. He is a good, decent, kind person who is good to me in so many ways and if his indiscretions are put down to him being emotionally immature in the past, perhaps a person can change if they find they are with the right person and would do everything in their power to not destroy that relationship. I am not trying to justify his behaviour and personally I abhor cheating on all levels,but if someone has realised the error of their ways, maybe there is hope and I should give him the benefit.

Hmmm...I think I am confusing myself here!!
There is one thing that also questions in my mind – the girl he was with for 4 years – he said he never cheated on her, but from what the has told me about that relationship, they had huge bust ups. So why was he faithful to her and not seek solace of other women when things got rough...

username123

Theres none so blind as those who cannot see.

Im not really sure why you are posting OP, you have already made up your mind and are just looking for justification that he will change, which you are not getting because for most people looking at it objectively, he wont.

LegacyUser

Op, can I tell you a story? This is my experience. I was in a relationship for six years with someone similar to what you describe. He cheated on me in the first year when we were apart for a few months. He admitted it the very first time that we saw each other when he got back. Every excuse in the book was used.
Up to that point I had never loved anyone as much or as deeply as I loved him.I also had saw what cheating does in relationships through friends. I always said I would not ever forgive a cheat, emotional cheating, a kiss or indeed sex no matter what the circumstances. As far as Im concerned fidelity is one of the fundamental of a relationship, that and love and care and respect in no particular order. If you dont have those things, its not a relationship. Its a delusion of grandiose proportions.
I was really dubious about forgiving him or indeed carrying on with it. In the end after alot of soul searching and a long conversation with a family member who Im really close to, they said "i have never heard you talk about anyone the way you do about him, if you let him go, you will never know etc. Maybe it was one mistake "etc.
So I decided to take it slow and forgive him, despite my concerns. After that the truth came out somewhat slowly, he had cheated not once, not twice but three times etc and with other girlfriends as well. I even found an email where he had wrote a message to a girl he had cheated on me with, thanking her for the great sex and saying that he had made up with me since. We were not having any problems at that stage when the mail was sent that i was aware of.
He manipulated me beyond belief and I didnt even see it, turned it all back on me over the years, instead of making it up to me, I made it up to him. He wore me down and my self esteem and confidence to boot.
We eventually broke up after six years, at this point he still wanted to control the situation, still wanted me to go on living there despite the break up. When I was wasnt up for this, he said he was unsure. He locked the door of the apartment and gave me the worst tirade of verbal abuse I have ever heard from another human being. He made me question everything from my looks, my personality, my family, friends, everything.
All from the man who I forgave for it all, never threw it in his face in all the years, he dealt with it, with all the grace and compassion of a sewer rat. I would have been okay as Im incredibly strong as a person but he did that. That broke my heart and that I thought I would never get over.
The very reason he did that is that he had met someone else in the last six months of the relationship who he had started sleeping with, he was unsure of this girl and wanted me for a better word F****d for a while, so he could pursue this other girl and have me waiting in the wings if all didnt work out.
These types of people will manipulate beyond belief and do it with their eyes wide open too. They make out like they didnt know what they were doing but they do. They are abundantly selfish. I should mention also that the family member I mentioned had cancer at the time when he was cheating with this girl.
My post may not make sense as I have cut the story short and didnt want to go into indepth detail but someone needs to shake you by the metaphorical shoulders here. You are setting yourself up for years of heartache and torture. I still bear the scars from this and havent had a really proper loving relationship since. He has since married the girl he cheated with and I dont wish to know or indeed want to know if he is cheating on her. A leopard does not change his spots though in my opinion.
You are in your late thirties now and your time is precious. You live in hope that you will be special enough for him to change for you but he wont. Im sorry but I feel for you, you will be back on here again in a few months/years trying to make sense of what he has done, no doubt.
Save yourself from heartache here, I beg you. For me, its like watching someone in a car thats heading for a brick wall. Please this guy is not worth it. You will let attractive years slip by and look back and realise the only thing you learned was not to be a doormat and that you have an incredible road of working on yourself ahead of you. We accept the love that we think we deserve and do you honestly think this man is what you deserve if you do think again.
Also you need to step away from this situation and from your'e post, read it again like you were a stranger to all of this, like you are not involved then tell me what you see.
This guy is a manipulator, a movie of the weak and a t-shirt at best. You have already started defending him in posts. He is doing his job well enough already.
Sorry if this is not what you want to hear but sometimes if you want someone to listen you cannot just tap someone on the shoulder, you have to hit them with a sledgehammer. Thats what I have tried to do above by passing on the voice of experience.
Mods feel free to snip if any of this is inappropriate!
Best of luck Op.

shalalala

OP. He cheated on you and used a technicality to get out of it? And he has cheated in every other relationship he has been in? I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Sorry.

P. Breathnach

Doode wrote: »

...
I know it should be clear cut and if I have doubts I should end it, but my achilles heel is that I love him and thought we had a future together.

What sort of future? Rows are pretty well inevitable in relationships, and any time you have a row you will be worrying that he will be off with another woman - and the worry might be justified.

He is a good, decent, kind person who is good to me in so many ways and if his indiscretions are put down to him being emotionally immature in the past, perhaps a person can change if they find they are with the right person and would do everything in their power to not destroy that relationship.

How long ago is it since he cheated? A few weeks, isn't it? Look, in the past it seems that he was a serial cheat, and saw nothing wrong in that. Are we to suppose that the various women on whom he cheated and the others with whom he cheated were all unaffected by his behaviour? It seems not to have been a problem for him, and I get the impression that he simply doesn't care if it was a problem for them.

He takes the position that kissing is not cheating; he suggests that you had made him a free agent by your angry words; does he expect you to thank him for not having sex with her?

I am not trying to justify his behaviour and personally I abhor cheating on all levels,but if someone has realised the error of their ways, maybe there is hope and I should give him the benefit.

It doesn't look to me as if he has learned the error of his ways.

...There is one thing that also questions in my mind – the girl he was with for 4 years – he said he never cheated on her, but from what the has told me about that relationship, they had huge bust ups. So why was he faithful to her and not seek solace of other women when things got rough...

Perhaps any time they had a bust up he saw himself as released from any commitment to her, and whatever happened at such times did not count as cheating.

You have described somebody who has written his own rulebook to suit himself, and who has very little concern for the women he uses.

LegacyUser

My hats off to you P Breatnach, be you man or woman. I couldnt have put it better myself. I have read your posts on different subjects in the past and I hold you, whoever you may be in high regard!!

Op, again save yourself from events of cataclismic proportions here and end it. The fact that you have to ask if you can trust him, should raise red flags. That coupled with some of the character traits and past events that you have described about this man should be setting off alarm bells at their highest volume and intensity in your head.

The writing is truly on the wall with this. Run for the hills.

DeltaWhite

guest999999 wrote: »

My hats off to you P Breatnach, be you man or woman. I couldnt have put it better myself. I have read your posts on different subjects in the past and I hold you, whoever you may be in high regard!!

Op, again save yourself from events of cataclismic proportions here and end it. The fact that you have to ask if you can trust him, should raise red flags. That coupled with some of the character traits and past events that you have described about this man should be setting off alarm bells at their highest volume and intensity in your head.

The writing is truly on the wall with this. Run for the hills.

Agree 100% P Breatnach is always spot on IMO!

OP I can only echo what everyone else is saying! The one question to think about is: Can you live this way for much longer? Always worrying? Always wondering? It's no way to be and loving relationships shouldn't be this hard!

Tasden

OP the fact you have to ask about trust shows there is none. And for good reason. You know deep down that you deserve better.
Having said that sometimes we need to experience the hurt/find out for ourselves in order to accept it or for closure/whatever you want to call it.
Also, I know what its like to believe all the lies/justify the behaviour because you want to believe he's good and he's telling you what you want to hear but be honest with yourself and what you'd be prepared to accept from a guy- not this guy because you love him- any guy: if you wouldnt lower your standards like that for anyone else then why do it for someone you want a future with?
All the best. Hopefully you do take all the advice on board though.

CaraMay

I think the biggest issue here is that he hooked up within hours of you two 'breaking up'... I cheated before and would never ever do it again so cheats can change. That's not the main issue. I think it's worse that he has a backup in speed dial for when ye have trouble.

dellas1979

I think you are right to be very wary....but if you are having doubts about him, trust yourself.

Is this how he will deal with things everytime you have an argument? Will it be in the back of your mind everytime? Will it put you off bringing up issues for fear it will drive him to another? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, then really I would be getting the heck out of dodge.

king_of_inismac

If he loves you as much as he says, he wouldn't be with another girl within hours of having a fight with you.

It's both juvenile and very disrespectful. You sound like a good person and in my opinion someone who deserves better.

LegacyUser

This guy wants it all but by your late 30's you should be old enough and mature enough to realise that you can't have it all.
This guy is a player and you deserve better than this.
Tell him to get lost.