Unintentionally distant

letssee7

I've been going out with a 22 year old girl for the past 6 weeks. I am 24 and have overcome anxiety and depression, but am still shy with girls.

We get on fantastically, but I can't bring myself even to hug or hold hands with this girl. There is an attraction there on both sides but she also seems a bit shy about this

I came from one of those familys where you just weren't hugged or shown affection which explains why I find it so difficult,. I like this girl and feel she deserves some affection, though I sense she also fears so is scared of opening up.

Now I need to take steps quick before this peters out. I could call her about this, but is that too much so early on?

Brego888

That fact that you haven't even touched her after 6 weeks speaks volumes really.
You need to try and be really honest with her on your anxiety and inexperience regarding physical/intimate contact.
She'll definitely know that something is not right so if you want this relationship to continue you'll need to explain yourself and hopefully she understands

letssee7

Brego888 wrote: »

That fact that you haven't even touched her after 6 weeks speaks volumes really.
You need to try and be really honest with her on your anxiety and inexperience regarding physical/intimate contact.
She'll definitely know that something is not right so if you want this relationship to continue you'll need to explain yourself and hopefully she understands

It is really making me feel pathetic. It's my only issue, but it's really huge I guess.

Maybe this is better to talk about in person? I just feel that I may come across as a complete freak and put her in an uncomfortable position by calling

Merkin

I think this is a case of less talk and more action being required here. Talking about your lack of tactility is not really going to change things and it's a very heavy conversation to have if you already suffer with anxiety issues.

I think it's a case of just getting on with it. I'm not suggesting your pole vault yourself on to her in an unprecedented show of fumbling hands and slobbery kisses but next time you are due to meet up, text her beforehand and say "can't wait to give you a big hug when I see you" and then when you see her give her a big hug. Hold her hand as you walk down the street. Touch her arm when you're out for dinner or put your arm around her when at the cinema. If you're not naturally tactile you'll have to put some work into it and practice makes perfect....:)

letssee7

Merkin wrote: »

I think this is a case of less talk and more action being required here. Talking about your lack of tactility is not really going to change things and it's a very heavy conversation to have if you already suffer with anxiety issues.

I think it's a case of just getting on with it. I'm not suggesting your pole vault yourself on to her in an unprecedented show of fumbling hands and slobbery kisses but next time you are due to meet up, text her beforehand and say "can't wait to give you a big hug when I see you" and then when you see her give her a big hug. Hold her hand as you walk down the street. Touch her arm when you're out for dinner or put your arm around her when at the cinema. If you're not naturally tactile you'll have to put some work into it and practice makes perfect....:)

I will do it the next time. I suppose it's better if this fails because I was inexperienced physically rather than that I wouldn't do anything physically

The issue is that it makes me feel so vulnerable to being rejected, for example not once have I initiated a hug my life and it's as if I don't know how.

Merkin

She wouldn't be dating you if she didn't like you so it won't fail hon. It will only fail if you continue on with no affection and physical contact. Just instigate it next time and you'll both be delighted.

letssee7

Merkin wrote: »

She wouldn't be dating you if she didn't like you so it won't fail hon. It will only fail if you continue on with no affection and physical contact. Just instigate it next time and you'll both be delighted.

I suppose you are right, she is a little shy as well so her body language has been a bit closed and there has been no right time. I just have to create the right

Let's hope I can get this next date to overcome this barrier

letssee7

Just a more general question, is a romantic relationship possible after this?

Her texts to me are not quite so colourful atm, maybe her interest is dying.

I do realise that it might be shocking fr a 24 year old man to be asking these types of questions, but my upbringing was unnecessarily brutal and cold, I just submitted and let everything run by as a child can't cope with what was being done.

Merkin

If there is mutual attraction then of course a romantic relationship is possible. You simply have to take that leap from platonic to something more though and it's important you do it soon.

blatantrereg

Action and talk is good.

Tell her you like her a lot and want to open up to her but you find it hard. Be honest but don't go into any more detail than is really necessary.

Do that after at least holding hands with her. That puts it in the context of affirmation, rather than an excuse. Take it slow. Don't force yourself to open up more than you're ok with. Don't exaggerate things.

Pay attention to her; put the focus on her. Don't feel you have to allow her to reciprocate if you're not comfortable with it. Most women respond well to such an approach, and you might find you yourself are a lot more comfortable doing things that way too.

You might have noticed that some socially shy people handle it pretty well by putting the focus on other people they talk to - moving attention away from themselves in a way that allows them to converse well... It's just the same principle here really.

letssee7

Not sure if I've missed the boat. Had one of our bi-weekly conversations yesterday, she's busy partying for all of the long weekend, not the best sign that she doesn't have a few hours somewhere to meet up though she's still more than happy to text so I guess she mightn't have completely given up on me?

I would really like another chance regardless of where this goes I think it's important for my life and development.