Pressure from parents

LegacyUser

Im not really sure if this is personal issue or relationship issue, perhaps a bit of both. Im just wondering if anyone else has been or is in a similar position and how they handle it.

I have always found myself going to extraordinary lengths to gain my parents approval, I'm not sure why.. maybe because nothing I have ever done has been good enough. My parents are quite traditional, and this has made things really hard for me over the last few years. I have been in a relationship for a very long time, and due to many factors it has not progressed to being engaged, I know it will get there eventually if we stay together. Things have been so difficult financially and it has caused huge problems with us, it has been a rocky relationship but we have always been best friends as well as being a couple.

But I find myself contemplating ending it just because my parents, particularly my mother, are not happy we are living together and not married. And I dont know when we will be in a position to move things along. I have found my mother has gotten cold with me and investing much more in my other (more successful) siblings, like she has come to see me as a failure and is disappointed. I try to not let this bother me but I cant help feeling horrible about it.
I work in an extremely difficult field but one which I have gained a lot of respect in and won awards etc, although that still hasnt improved my income much as yet. I try to concentrate on my career and bury myself in my work, but its like she couldnt care less she just thinks well your not even married, no house, no family so so what. I feel completely worthless. Nobody who knows me would guess I really feel anything like this. I feel anxious all the time. I know how hard things have been and Ive tried to explain it to her but I find myself just beginning to think like her and that yes I am a loser because Im not where I should be in my life.

Ive started to push my partner away, and have several times asked him to move home, but I cant seem to stick to the decision, because Im so confused as to whether its me who is making this happen or my parents. Is this mad that my parents still have this much of an effect on my life?

christinekiki

Who is in this relationship? Your mother should not be in the middle of a healthy adult relationship. She is allowed her opinion, but that is all it is. Her opinion.
There is no set way a relationship needs to go, you can have kids before you are married or even engaged and still live a happy normal life with your partner.
I understand that how your parents think can influence your decisions, but at the end of the day if you are happy so your parents should be too. To be in a relationship with someone you love and trust, that treats you well and with respect is a good place to be. if you are happy in your job this is also a great thing. You have a lot of positives in your life, i think you should concentrate on them and not worry about whether you have hit a milestone that your mother expects.
Don't rush into getting engaged or married, i bet your mother wouldn't be happy with a divorced child either. Or grand kids being brought up by a single parent house. She probably has very traditional values, these are not necessarily wrong but they do not need to be your values.
The big question is, take a step back, what do you want? Are you happy with the way things are, take financials out of it. If you are happy-then your mother and parents should be happy. If they are not it is a reflection on them and not on you.

LegacyUser

I would not end your relationship to suit your mother.
You are in a happy relationship with your partner and you have stayed together despite having financial problems and other issues. This shows you have a strong relationship.
You know that in time you will get engaged and married but you can't afford this at the moment. You are doing well in work and it you keep this up in time you should have more earnings.
Your mother sees you without a house, husband and children but but she needs to know that you have to live your own life and not the life she wants for you.
I would chat to your partner and tell him about your mother as he needs to know what she is like with you. It also gives you both a chance to show that you are strong couple.
If getting married and having a family is important to you I would decide how long you will stay with your partner if he is not moving your relationship on. I know couples who where together for years. The woman said when are we getting married only to hear I don't want to get married or have children. One woman I know stay with a man like this for years thinking he would change his mind. Today she is in her mid 40's without a partner or children.

LegacyUser

you have to ask yourself why their approval means so much to you. if it's always been this way, and nothing has ever been good enough for them, as you say - then what makes you think dumping your partner is going to be good enough for them??? this is the bit that makes no sense to me. put yourself in your partner's shoes, what you'd be saying to them is basically ''i want you to move out coz mammy doesn't like the fact we're not married and we don't own a house''. that doesn't sound rational.

be an adult. live your own life, not someone else's.

Lenmeister

Ya I agree you need to live for yourself and be happy. You're not here to look good in their eyes. Is the pressure from your parents causing most of the problems? Then you need to realise that you have your own life and what you really want matters, not what they want. You'll get married when you decide , not when they think you should. You're having a lot of money problems? It can cost a lot to get married so you have to be realistic in your approach. Are you ready for it? Do you have the money for it? If the relationship is strong and you want to stay together, don't end it because your mother doesn't like your circumstances, that's silly. Live your life, not hers. If she can't accept it, it's her problem not yours. I'm sure your other siblings don't see a problem right?

December2012

Hi,

I wonder why you've always felt this need to please, so much so that you're considering very big life choices based on mammy's happiness.

I think mammy's approval will never come.

It's possible that she's as judgy and as involved in your siblings life. It's a personality trait so it attaches to whatever she can.

Why has your own relationship been so difficult? They don't have to be you know. Are you staying in this to prove a point to her or yourself.

Talk to somebody who will help you validate your feelings and get your own thoughts straight.

ibarelycare

If you're considering ending your relationship just to please your mother, then is it possible that deep down you're not entirely happy in the relationship and you're just using your mother as an excuse? If you really were entirely happy and in love then there's no way you'd want to end your relationship for anyone.

Beruthiel

stressed123 wrote: »

But I find myself contemplating ending it just because my parents

Then expect to lead one very lonely life, because it sounds to me like your mother will never be happy, no matter who your partner is.

There is pressure from your parents because you are allowing it.
You are an adult. What you do with your life at this point is entirely up to you.
Taking that into consideration, why are you still allowing them to dictate how you should be running your life?

Cut the apron strings OP and stop entertaining your mothers opinions on your relationship.
Most importantly, were I your partner, I'd be pretty annoyed that the relationship I am in with you comes with the package of you and your mother.

strandroad

Your parents has no business dictating your timings and priorities. It's up to you two to work things out between you.

This being said, if your mother's resentments resonate with you so much, are you yourself worried about the lack of formal commitment? I understand that you're holding back due to financial constraints but is it something that bugs you, regardless of their input? Engangement costs nothing (or you can get a vintage ring if you do want a ring), to get married costs €150 for the licence I think. Everything else can wait until you can afford it.

I don't recommend getting engaged to shut your parents up at all. But it's worth examining if you have any unfulfilled expectations yourself so that your parents' remarks sting where it hurts.

ManOfMystery

stressed123 wrote: »

Is this mad that my parents still have this much of an effect on my life?

Yes, it is mad.

I've highlighted a key part of your post above for a reason: it's YOUR life. Not your mother's, and not your father's, and not anyone else's. You do what you want, and as long as it makes you happy and doesn't hurt others, that's your prerogative.

Some parents bring up their children in such a way that they almost have their lives planned out for them. They push them a certain way at school or college because they have a career in mind for them already (usually a Doctor, or an Accountant, or something equally 'respectable'), they then push them into getting married and settling down and having this perfect life which they have envisaged. And more often than not, these parents never think to ask their children what they actually want in life.

Why do they do it? Who knows. To me it's a characteristic of people who have a bit of a control freak nature, to the extent that they still want to control their children's lives long after they've gown and left home.

What they should really value above all is your happiness : as long as you're happy doing what you're doing, and being with whoever you're with, then nothing else matters.

Ultimately, it's up to you to change this situation. Stop focusing so much on pleasing them. What will it achieve? Will they suddenly start treating you better? That's not a solution - they shouldn't have been treating you any differently in the first place. In any event, even if you suddenly conformed to their notion of a perfect life, they would probably move their focus elsewhere - telling you how to raise your children for example.

You have to get a thicker skin and start ignoring whatever issues they seem to have. You're not a drug addict, a criminal, an alcoholic or a failure of any kind. You're living a perfectly good life and if it's not good enough for them, tough.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks so much for the replies. Reading back over my OP I can see it is quite confusing, and I think its because that that is what I'm feeling most the time. You are all right it is ridiculous I care what other people particularly my parents are feeling regarding my life. Its natural to a certain degree to want to seek their approval, but im letting it cloud what I really want out of life. But then another poster suggested am I being swayed too much by their views because in my heart I'm not very happy, and if I was sure about the choices I've made then nothing else would matter, and I think this may be true.
My parents aren't bad but I do wish it was my happiness that concerned them mostly. Maybe it is but they have a funny way of showing it. When I ended things with a previous boyfriend of 3 years, all I can remember them remarking was, 'well that was a waste of time'! I cannot imagine what their reaction would be if this one didn't work out! I know for too long I have been too much about pleasing others, my parents, my OH, my friends, and this is so ingrained in me at this stage I'm not sure what I really want. I think I am going to take a step back from the relationship, I need the space to really think. And not because of my parents, but because at this stage I need to know what I really want. The reality is Im not fussed about marriage, never have been, and if I were to go ahead now it would be more about pleasing family than me. I know my OH is committed to me 100% and wants to get married. But I know it would be a big mistake to get married until Im sure its what I really want. Thanks again for all the advice.