Can't converse without alcohol

LegacyUser

I'm 23 years old and absolutely terrible at talking unless I have alcohol on me and it's really getting me down. Hopeless at small talk, even at home with the family I rarely say much. It's led me to not really make many friends in college. Now that college is over, I find myself with only 3 mates who I went to school with, all due to my inability to hold conversations when sober. As soon as I have a few drinks I tend to become the complete opposite to the usual me. I could talk for hours on end, and in general come across as an interesting and funny person. I don't understand it because it's not as if I've no personality at all - it's just that it tends to only make an appearance when i'm drinking. When in a group I'd tend to be the one just sitting there saying nothing and laughing when people say funny things, I contribute nothing to a group environment. But get me a few drinks and I turn into the one who makes people laugh. The way I'd describe the contrast is that when drunk, talking comes naturally to me but when sober, conversing with others feels like it's a major struggle. I'm not sure how I can fix this? Is it too late for me in life to change my personality? I've already gone through college so pretty much missed the chance to have the time of my life there and make loads of friends. Talking sober just feels so awkward and unenjoyable when I'm so conscious of the fact that I'll run out of things to say. If anyone has suggestions on how to express my personality more when sober I'd love to hear them. Thanks

BrianG23

Ok man....i'm guessing you feel anxious, shy or anything of the like?(you say worry about running out of things to say)

I've always been anxious and i've been mildly(maybe mild not sure) depressed for a while. Regular conversations are just difficult. I like you, talk alot when drunk too. I have absolutely no idea why drink does the trick to get me back to how I was when I was younger. But it does. There is a difference(at least for me) between anxiety induced lack of speech and depression induce lack of speech. It's the difference between worrying(anxiety) and not giving a ****(depression) or seemingly not having the capability to carry a conversation.

Anyway, you say you worry about it right? The trick unfortunately is not to worry about it. Worrying about conversations kills the conversation before it starts. Stop thinking and start speaking. Alot harder than it sounds I know. The best thing to do for anxiety(imo) is practice. As in...talk to strangers(yes it has to be while sober). You could try cognitive behavioral therapy for this too, I myself haven't even gotten around to that. I'm sure you feel that your problem is so stupid and insignificant to go a see a profession for...but CBT will likely get rid of this. It's basically just...readjusting your thought process when conversing with someone. You should not be worrying, conversation should come out naturally and CBT will help this happen.

Here I am preaching when I haven't even dealt with the problem myself....I know the solution(I think)...but it is hard to get up and do the things about it because..well, yeah anxiety. My advice is, seek CBT. There is no reason at all to have to go through this is there? It's just punishing, annoying and gets you down. You are 23, obviously getting away from it a soon as possible is the best thing right?

Damn I gotta take my own advice.

Oh also, your interests...do you think you have common interests/hobbies etc? One thing I can talk about is my hobby's...but I don't have common hobby's (Anime/manga, gaming(proper)...movies and Tv(properly), science/physics/space/electronics ) so I can't really speak about it them to people who don't have a clue or think they are weird. More advice on this is...well...get into general hobby's. Music, celebrities(sorry but..yeah), cars, Tv shows that everyone watches, sports too of course, football and rugby. Basically anything you hear coming up in general conversations. Popular topics are easy to talk about right? Again I should take my own advice...

a posse ad esse

You are using alcohol as a social lubricant. I suggest what the previous poster did. Go speak with a counsellor and get involved in activities you enjoy where you have loads of knowledge and you are able to comfortably speak with others about. These hobbies can make it easier for you to come out of your shell. You are probably suffering from social anxiety. This has nothing to do with your personality or character flaw many people are anxious. You need to learn healthier techniques to overcome them. One more thing, not many people are into large groups. I am very chatty with a small group of friends but in a larger gathering I am shyer. Find out what you are comfortable with and make sure this anxiety does not take control of your life.

herisson

Hey OP,

I have the same problem. Im 21 and im finished college too. Tbh i didnt know what shyness was up until a few years ago when i just developed this social anxiety. I stopped talking altogether and took the role of the listener. I could barely have one to one conversations with others, without freezing up and letting people talk over me, that is with friends and family. Then i got drunk and couldnt shut up. It was one extreme to the other with me. I have gone to boards beers before but the only reason i could talk was because i was drunk.

At the start of this year, i started counselling for social anxiety and other things. I couldnt recommend it more. It has done me so good. I found that i have been able to actually talk now and jump into conversations aswell. Im still really shy when it comes to new people but i do my best and im talking more than i used to, its not loads but a bit.

I'd highly recommend counselling, it would be worth it to look into. It has helped me out so much. Just take it step by step. I took a lot on at the start and i ended up stepping back. But im taking it one day at a time and it really is helping me out, to the point where my counsellor has switched me to every 2/3 weeks.

Hope this helps OP