Religious but made a terrible mistake

LegacyUser

I’m a 22 year old female college student and grew up in a family which would by Irish standards be considered particularly religious (non-Christian, but I don’t want to elaborate). I also strongly believe in my family’s faith and have tried my best to follow it

This year I’m finishing college and moving abroad to live with relatives in the country my parents are originally from. Recently I’ve been feeling rather despondent about the general direction my life is taking. I often feel quite isolated and never really had friends in college because most social activities have been centred around activities I don’t partake in.

I joined a society this year to try and meet new friends and a guy started talking to me. He was very confident and charismatic and I was surprised that he would talk to someone like me. It seemed he was showing up everywhere I was and I began to think about him all the time. Talking to him, he really took an interest in me in a way which seemed genuine and was very flattering. Despite my usual dress, I've had male attention before but usually I just ignore it and move on. However, something in me really wanted to believe that this guy was genuinely interested in me.

Then one night he offered me a lift home. I knew I shouldn’t, but I just wasn’t thinking straight. In the car he leant over and I allowed him to kiss me, and we ended up going back to his place. I didn’t tell him that I was a virgin and I think he just assumed that I had my period. Immediately afterwards I knew that I’d made a huge mistake and have felt absolutely sick to my stomach since. He didn’t contact me again, which was really heartbreaking for me and I stopped going out to any social events.

I feel so ashamed, I can’t believe that I would allow myself to be so weak and do that with someone. I keep thinking about how I will be leaving Ireland in May to live with relatives who are much more religious than my parents and I will be meeting potential partners with the assumption that I am still a virgin. Whenever I see pictures of my friends’ weddings, I burst into tears because I feel so ashamed that I have ruined myself for the sake of one night. Any dreams I had of having a special wedding night with someone and being pure for one person are gone. I have repented for what I have done, but I’m a nervous wreck for what lies ahead and can’t bear the thought of having someone know that I behaved like a slut back in Ireland and most likely shaming me to my relatives or worse, sending me back after the wedding. Whenever men even look at or talk to me now, even my lecturers in college, I feel disgusting. I have tried to dress more modestly than before in order to avoid further unwanted attention, but I just feel even more like a liar because I’m presenting myself as one thing but have behaved another way. Please help, what can I do? Can I ever forgive myself for what I did?

username123

My own take on it would be that we all make silly mistakes when we are young and we need to make mistakes to find our way in life sometimes.

The only person beating you up about this, is you.

Im not religious but I was quite appalled at myself for having sex with people in certain situations over the years. Sometimes we act in ways that we wouldnt act in if we could step back from the situation and think about it before acting.

At the end of the day you are only human, sex is a natural human activity, and we all have moments of weakness in life.

I hope you can forgive yourself. Compare what you have done with something really awful like murdering someone - you have not hurt anyone, you are not a bad person.

Im probably not best placed to advise you seeing as Im atheist, but I hope you feel better about things soon.

looksee

It is going to be difficult for a largely 'Christian atheist' audience to offer advice that will resonate with you. If we approach it from a believer's point of view (and I am no longer in that group) I suppose the question is, does your faith allow for your God to forgive you? Does your own outlook allow for you to forgive you?

If you can answer yes to either or both of these questions then accept that forgiveness, you have suffered enough remorse and may be in danger of becoming depressed about it. Once you have forgiven yourself, it does not matter what other people think - indeed there is no reason why they should think anything, you are the only person affected.

A woman living an active life will not necessarily bleed when first having intercourse, so there is no need for a partner to know whether you have had sex before, unless you feel you have to tell them. Can you be absolutely sure that any man you marry would be a virgin? Would a man in your faith feel destroyed if he had sex before marriage? I doubt it! The same can apply to you.

You can choose to be pragmatic: you made a mistake, you regret it, you will go to your husband with the sense that he is your first love, even if not your first experience of sex. Or you can live with guilt and forfeit everything to that guilt, becoming a victim to your conscience for the sake of a brief, human, regretted experience.

You have to make a choice, then get on with your life based on that choice.

I wish you well.

mathproblem

It's a little bit hard to comment because, to be honest i would have such a different belief system than the one you describe(or at least how it is interpreted) & I would tend to believe to my core that you did nothing wrong & to simply forgive yourself and let it go. But obviously for you that is not so easy.

But I would say two things. Firstly especially since you are going back to the home country, which I think we can infer here is more conservative about these things, that you should bear in mind the practicalities of these things. Girls have been killed in some countries for less & for the ultra orthodox leanings of their male family members on the issue. So although I don't think you should feel ashamed in any way for what has happened, I do think (& i'm sure you will anyway) that you should be ultra careful about who you tell & consider whether that country is really the kind of place you want to be. Just a practical consideration.

And with that in mind, are there any womens groups which approach your culture from a liberal slant with whom you might be able to talk things over?? People who might understand more where you are coming from than us, that will share your faith but also some of the practical issues women in your faith can face. I know I have heard such people speaking on Dil Wickremasinghe's radio show on Newstalk from time to time, usually they tend to help some women escape from particularly abusive situations with their menfolk but I'm sure any of them would be happy to chat this all through with you to make you simply feel at ease about it all, give you a chance to see it all in perspective rather than carrying it all alone.

On top of that I would also say that although I'm sure there are many men from your culture for whom you have broken a particular taboo & would probably overreact... there are also I'm sure plenty of other nice men who will look way beyond something like this when they fall in love with you, they will see it as trivial & simply love you for the beauty you are & for your personality & see all this something trivial. There is no need to assume that all your future hopes & dreams are doomed because of one little mistake, I'm sure it will all work out if you hang in there & seek out good people in your life.

Degringola

OP, if you are worried that there may be serious repercussions about this, there is a surgical procedure girls in your predicament can undergo to restore things back to what they once were. That may be worth investigating if you see no other way out.

LegacyUser

Many thanks to everyone for all the helpful responses- I really appreciate it.

I guess that while part of my worries stems from a fear of being 'caught', a greater part of me is really disturbed by the knowledge of the punishment that is yet to come, which will always be at the back of my mind no matter how understanding a future partner may be or whether I manage to cover up the whole incident. I've been seriously considering restoration, if not for my sake then to save my future husband's pride. I've decided not to tell anyone for obvious reasons, but it really helps even just to type it here.

What happened was really out of character for me... I think it was the build up of feelings of hopelessness and bouts of depression at the thought of; "is this it? is this all there is to life?" I've been on holidays to the 'home' country (difficult to imagine it since I was born in Ireland) and it's somewhat familiar but all the same there is a much greater need for me to be careful of what I do because people judge others more harshly there. At the same time, I know it's better for me and maybe it's Ireland which has been the 'wrong' way of life and not there. It's difficult to get an accurate perspective on the situation when I've become normalised to the lifestyle here.

Unfortunately there is no such women's group in Ireland. There are more 'liberal' streams, but I wouldn't have anything to do with them and just associating with those kinds of people can be bad for one's reputation.

Many thanks once again.

Musefan

Hey,

Can I just say how brave you are to have posted your story on this forum. That must have taken a lot for you to write. Well done.

What I would say initially, is that you may need to talk to someone. I would recommend a non-judgmental help-line, of which there are a few. Secondly, as you are in college, there may be a counselling service which you can avail of. The worst thing you could do in this situation, is to keep this upset to yourself. Find someone you can trust, and talk to them in confidentiality.

This must be really hard for you. How are you looking after yourself? You mentioned that you have tried to dress more modestly to avoid attention, so that sounds like you have been thinking about what is good for you at the minute. Do you have any books that you like to read? Any hobbies you enjoy? I would think that activities like this might be important for you, even if you don't feel motivated to do them, as with the stress of your current situation on top of your studies, you will need time to unwind. Do what makes you feel good.

We are of very similar ages. I have a similar belief to yourself around marriage and sexuality, although I am not from a religious background. Could you re-evaluate what purity means to you? Is it simply a mechanical thing, whereby if you engage in sex before marriage, then you are not pure? Are there other ways to be pure? It sounds like this concept is important to you, but there is often more than one way to think about things.

You mention that you will be introduced to certain suitors. What would be important to you in a partner? Would acceptance be important to you? Perhaps, down the line, you will meet someone who will be able to accept you for who you are. Sometimes, you know a relationship really works well when you can talk freely with your partner. In my mind, love is about accepting another's journey, whatever route they may have taken. It seems to me, impossible, that you will not meet one man who will not understand you, understand your experiences and how the affected you. I feel that you will find someone who you are comfortable enough to be honest with. Others may disagree, and say that a partner would have no real right to know about your sexual experiences, but I think if it is going to feel like a burden to you to keep it secret, then you should find someone who you is happy to share your thoughts and worries, whatever they may be.

There is no great person, who has not suffered. I think you sound like someone who in time, will grow from this experience. I can understand, that when faith and shared beliefs become involved, it can often mean that our actions have wider consequences, because we have shared standards, not individual standards. I hope you find the strength within yourself to forgive what you feel you have done in error. See it as an experience to learn about yourself, your strengths, your relationships, what is important to you, and what you want for the future. I myself, don't feel you have done anything wrong, but that is not really important as that is my belief and not yours. You are 22. When you think about it, you have such a long life ahead of you. You won't feel this way forever. You will find someone who understands you. Most of us at 22, don't understand ourselves even! You have time to heal and time to think about what you want to do, and you have the power in this moment, to decide what is best for you. As I said in the beginning, this must be hard for you. But it won't be hard forever.

Take care of yourself.

Beruthiel

Ashamed123 wrote: »

I guess that while part of my worries stems from a fear of being 'caught'

You won't ever be caught if you keep it to yourself.
I am an atheist, feel free to take my opinions with a pinch of salt.
My opinion is you did absolutely nothing wrong.
You are a human being and by no means perfect. All of us make what we consider mistakes.

If you do not make the odd mistake how are you ever to learn from them?
Living life, making mistakes, picking yourself up and moving forward is what we do.

Don't all religions preach forgiveness if you repent?
If you believe your god to be one of forgiveness then he has forgiven you, no?

Finally, this is now in the past.
Beating yourself up about it is pointless and futile.
As for any future husband, what you did before you met him is none of his business.
He won't be perfect either you know.
He will also come with flaws and a past, some of which he won't tell you.

Become the person you want to be and have him accept you as you are.
Most of all, forgive yourself for being slightly less than perfect.

username123

You wont be caught. Not all women bleed their first time, most womens hymens are broken through exercise or use of tampons or medical examinations before they ever have sex, if you act like a virgin no one is going to know any different. Dont forget that whoever you have sex with next is probably going to be a virgin themselves (this is an assumption, if the women are not allowed to have sex then who would the men be having sex with? I could be wrong). You could go and discuss these worries with a GP in Ireland without judgement who would put your mind at ease regarding mens ability to detect virginity.

Is it the right thing for you to do to go to a country that is so concerned with a womans perceived purity and live a life worrying about the harsh judgement of others? I ask because it seems you are an intelligent person who has seen another culture (Irish) and you only get one shot at life, so why waste it in a place where its a life lived in fear of judgement?

Merkin

Beruthiel wrote: »

You won't ever be caught if you keep it to yourself.

Agreed. You don't have to "come clean" about this to anyone, and especially not to a future husband. As someone pointed out, the hymen can be broken through exercise or any other number of factors. You could go for a smear and say that's what caused it to break.

Did you take precautions at the time?

I also think you have to forgive yourself. Any loving God will forgive your (perceived) sins and you have to forgive yourself in order to move on from this. You're young, you were attracted to a man and you followed your instincts. You didn't take someones life. You are not a bad person. Please give yourself a break and accept what's done is done.

Standman

Hymens can break from physical activity over the years. Also some women have hymens that never break so to speak as they can stretch. In short having a broken/no hymen is not conclusive proof that you are not a virgin.

Also maybe reconsider referring to yourself as a 'slut'. You got caught up in the moment and did something that you now regret, a very human experience that countless other people of all faiths have done since the beginning of time. Take it as a learning experience and try not to judge yourself too harshly. Think about if one of your friends came to you and told you about an identical incident, would you call them a slut or would you show them compassion and understanding that I'm sure a nice person such as yourself would do?

Good luck with everything!

Merkin

Merkin wrote: »

Agreed. You don't have to "come clean" about this to anyone, and especially not to a future husband. As someone pointed out, the hymen can be broken through exercise or any other number of factors. You could go for a smear and say that's what caused it to break.

Did you take precautions at the time?

I also think you have to forgive yourself. Any loving God will forgive your (perceived) sins and you have to forgive yourself in order to move on from this. You're young, you were attracted to a man and you followed your instincts. You didn't take someones life. You are not a bad person. Please give yourself a break and accept what's done is done.

Be careful with that one - most women don't have smears until they're sexually active!

OP, I'd keep it to myself and if you're questioned about not bleeding on your wedding night, bring up something about doing gymnastics or horseriding and leave it at that.

looksee

OP, just on the subject of your culture and your sense of 'home'. It is inevitable that you will feel torn between the two cultures and the two countries. This is your actual home, the other is your cultural home. You have been reared within your culture, so of course the other country is going to seem 'comfortable' and 'right'.

At the same time you have grown up with the culture in Ireland. Both are a lot 'right' and a lot 'wrong'. You have been exposed to the reality here of (mostly) equality of rights for women, at the same time you see women behaving in a manner that goes against your own culture. To be honest it goes against a lot of Irish culture too!

You are a product of two cultures; maybe you should consider the possibilities of accepting some of the Irish culture without losing all of your own culture. After all, you were reared to certain standards and in your 'home' culture those standards would have been enforced to the extent that (I assume) you would never have been alone in a car with a man anyway. But you were expected to cope both situations, yes you had a choice, but it was not an informed choice nor one you were prepared for.

You are also a product of your upbringing. Is it absolutely fair to bring up a child in a country that is not of the home culture and expect that child/person to cope with walking in and out of cultures depending on which side of the door they are?

Give yourself a bit of space, don't judge yourself so harshly, you have coped very well with a difficult situation all your life, you cannot consider yourself completely failed over one mistake.

username123

Garrett Most Bassoon wrote: »

Be careful with that one - most women don't have smears until they're sexually active!

There are plenty of innocent female complaints that can result in an internal examination in order to rule things out. Family history, bad period pain, unusual periods, etc... lots of reasons.

The OP would do well to discuss with a nice GP - get a good solid undisputable medical reason for such a thing.

mathproblem

Ashamed123 wrote: »

Unfortunately there is no such women's group in Ireland. There are more 'liberal' streams, but I wouldn't have anything to do with them and just associating with those kinds of people can be bad for one's reputation.

I disagree with the "if you keep it hidden no one has to know" line a lot of people have taken. You have already begun to change your behavior & your dress & go into yourself. I think if you don't release the pressure cooker the changes in you may set off alarm bells with your parents/family for example & lead to more issues and or questioning.

You have already said posting here has relieved you quite a bit. I would strongly suggest you find someone to talk to but I really don't envy your position because practicalities dictate that you must keep it hidden from alot of people.

I understand your reluctance to be seen talking to "liberal types" that may be frowned upon within your faith. What a shame that you have to be pulled between two cultures like this to the extent that even talking to the wrong person could sully your name.

Why don't you try to contact Dil Wickremasinghe herself and ask her to suggest someone in Ireland or the UK that you might engage in an e.mail correspondence with or an online chat just to hash things out in your mind. You could even create a secondary e.mail address with yahoomail or gmail to carry out the conversation, you don't even need to use your real name or give any details.

Anyway best of luck with it all, hopefully at least you have begun to see that it is not the irreparable mistake that you feared. You will go all the rest of your life being a girl raised within one culture but in the land of another. That puts a different burden on you but it also makes you unique, a kind of a trailblazer - how you will be able to traverse your life with this background behind you & path ahead of you will be up to you. You will be able to make some choices that will affect the generations ahead of you & yet at the same time you must remain safe in doing it... best of luck with it all.

mathproblem

mathproblem wrote: »

Why don't you try to contact Dil Wickremasinghe herself and ask her to suggest someone in Ireland or the UK that you might engage in an e.mail correspondence

globalvillage@newstalk.ie

in fact what you could do is send in an anonymous e.mail to the show explaining the issue you face & the feelings it has aroused in you(shame, fear, apprehension?) & the difficulty in facing them. Ask her to raise the issue on her show, perhaps have some guest speakers on.

Then you might listen in to the show when they discuss it & that might be helpful for you.

EDIT: Forgive me I keep mentioning the wrong name after all the recent media coverage.. i meant Dil Wickremasinghe.. from Newstalk's Global village