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I'm all in my head

LegacyUser · 2013-03-11 17:39:30

I could probably fill about 4 different threads with the stuff that goes on with my life, but seeing all of what I say below relevant to me but not to each other I may as well put it all here. It may sound a bit whiney or self-involved but I need to put this out somewhere, so apologies in advance. I'm in my early twenties,…

11-03-2013 5:39pm

#1

LegacyUser

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I could probably fill about 4 different threads with the stuff that goes on with my life, but seeing all of what I say below relevant to me but not to each other I may as well put it all here. It may sound a bit whiney or self-involved but I need to put this out somewhere, so apologies in advance.

I'm in my early twenties, living at home in the west of Ireland. I'm an only child & I'm a self employed freelancer. I have had a physical disability since birth (it involves a limp), that theoretically is mild, but due to the fact that I'm also incredibly short & a bit pudgy, I have self-confidence issues, which leads to me freezing in public situations. I look about 16, this is not an exaggeration. My height combined with my baby face & my barely broken voice is quite embarrasing.

It's a bit of a vicious cycle. I'm treated like a child due to my appearance, but then due to that sometimes I dont feel like an adult. I want more responsibility, but it feels insurmountable due to whats holding me back.

I recently graduated from a college with a Level 8 degree, which gave a bit of a lift to my CV & to the work that I do.

About 18 months ago I was told by my single mother (dont know my dad by the way), that I have a brother who was put up for adoption. He was 18 at the time and requested to the HSE if he could meet my mother. She told me, but as I was in the middle of my final year, I decided not to ask any questions about him, and we havent talked about this further. Its probably not healthy, but I guess I'm ashamed of who I am, or at least my disability. He's probably much taller than me, we may come from the same person but he might be a more successful version of me and that scares the **** out of me.

Most of the people I knew from secondary school / college etc... I dont talk to / ignore them. It may be a bit infantile, but its the way I've learned to cope. I find it hard to smile or be cordial to anyone these days, in an attempt to appear stronger. Not sure if that makes sense.

My second issue is a bit more of a normal problem. I've been offered a job in Dublin which really meets my criteria of a perfect job at this stage of my life. Not sure what the salary is but I dont expect it to be poor. I do have people problems as I said before.

I also had an interview in Dublin about 8 months ago, which could have went better, so I was rejected (after 3 weeks of waiting). It really was a kicker due to the fact that it was a job that was directed at me (i had worked with these people before), so once I actually met them in person and they didn't see me as a suitable person for the job, it was a real kick.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have a hard time accepting myself. I know a few things though.

- I tend to overanalyse situations to the point where it becomes too much.
- I shy away from things I really want, when they become too real.
- I need to start being more friendly to people in general.

I have more to say, about personal rejection, but I'm trying to get past that. Its a while thing and honestly I think I'm getting better at coping with that. To be honest, while I havent done a lot of things well, I'm kind of shocked that I'm not even more f**ked up. Anything negative you have to say please share it, I need the hard truth coming from someone else.

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