Ex and not able to let go

Willow30

Hi all,

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I'm struggling lately as i've been seeing my ex for a bit just casually, things have been great and i suggested that we start again, he replied saying that he has thought about it but can't go back there as it wouldn't work, claiming he cant let anyone in. He says he fancies me but that it cant work that his feelings arent there anymore. I got upset and said i wanted to try again and he wasn't having any of it.

I know all of you are going to say run and i'm foolish but i feel like i love this man again, he now thinks its best we don't see each other while we sort out our heads. I'm just finding it really hard to let go

Forever Hopeful

Willow30 wrote: »

Hi all,

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I'm struggling lately as i've been seeing my ex for a bit just casually, things have been great and i suggested that we start again, he replied saying that he has thought about it but can't go back there as it wouldn't work, claiming he cant let anyone in. He says he fancies me but that it cant work that his feelings arent there anymore. I got upset and said i wanted to try again and he wasn't having any of it.

I know all of you are going to say run and i'm foolish but i feel like i love this man again, he now thinks its best we don't see each other while we sort out our heads. I'm just finding it really hard to let go

OP, sorry you are going through this. It sucks, I know!
You don't really have a choice here except to take the control back over the situation and channel the energy into yourself.
Worst thing you can do now is to keep in touch with the hope that he'll change his mind. He won't.
Take the power back and look after yourself. I know this isn't what you want to hear but it's how life works. Good luck.

Willow30

I feel like i've been hurt over and over by this guy and its not all his own doing i keep ging back i'm just so sad that we can't be more. I know i have to move on i'll be stuck where i am forever otherwise but i can't bear the thought of neer seeig him again

Forever Hopeful

Willow30 wrote: »

I feel like i've been hurt over and over by this guy and its not all his own doing i keep ging back i'm just so sad that we can't be more. I know i have to move on i'll be stuck where i am forever otherwise but i can't bear the thought of neer seeig him again

Op, God I know the feeling. I really feel for you as it's just a really $hitty time for you. Layer in the highs and lows and its even worse. Been there.
It's like you keep putting your hand on a hot stove hoping it won't burn next time but it always does.
Op, you have to expect more for yourself and understand that the one for you won't hurt you.
This situation is not healthy for you as a person and you deserve to have someone who knows what they have when they have you.
He's not the only guy in the world so take him off that pedestal and put yourself up there instead.

Willow30

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Op, God I know the feeling. I really feel for you as it's just a really $hitty time for you. Layer in the highs and lows and its even worse. Been there.
It's like you keep putting your hand on a hot stove hoping it won't burn next time but it always does.
Op, you have to expect more for yourself and understand that the one for you won't hurt you.
This situation is not healthy for you as a person and you deserve to have someone who knows what they have when they have you.
He's not the only guy in the world so take him off that pedestal and put yourself up there instead.

Thanks so much i think i'm just really lonely and get comfort in being with him, each time i leave though i feel like crap and wonder when i'll see him next. It is so unhealthly i agree, i just feel that its better having him a little than not at all.

Forever Hopeful

Willow30 wrote: »

Thanks so much i think i'm just really lonely and get comfort in being with him, each time i leave though i feel like crap and wonder when i'll see him next. It is so unhealthly i agree, i just feel that its better having him a little than not at all.

It's good that you know it's not healthy but your phrase 'it's better having him a little than not at all' indicates to me that you have an unhealthy addiction to the guy.
It's ok to miss a partner when you are in a healthy relationship but its not as intense as you communicate and you know where you stand.
It will pass but you should never rely on someone else to make you happy. It's needy and people sense it. You are setting yourself up for a world of pain here if you continue to take scraps from him.
Stop now, otherwise you'll let better opportunities pass you by.

Willow30

How do i escape this feeling i do feeling addicted nearly i'm so sad about letting him go i'm clinging onto it knowing nothing will change. I think about him a lot and miss him when i'm not seeing him. Been for counselling it helps i know the only way is to move on but i'm struggling

Forever Hopeful

Willow30 wrote: »

How do i escape this feeling i do feeling addicted nearly i'm so sad about letting him go i'm clinging onto it knowing nothing will change. I think about him a lot and miss him when i'm not seeing him. Been for counselling it helps i know the only way is to move on but i'm struggling

Believe me if I could invent a pill for a broken heart I'd be the richest person on the planet.
The feelings are all consuming and you feel like crap but the overwhelming advice to the countless number of posters who are going through this is that the only cure is time.
The only person who can make this better is YOU!
You will get used to not seeing him over time but it won't get better unless you go cold turkey. Cut complete contact with him, phone/email/Facebook everything.
You won't believe me now but there will come a time where you will never look at him in that way again as all you'll remember is how he hurt you. I was there and by God when I see him, I am embarrassed at how little I thought of myself that I could put up with this ill treatment of me. If I only realised that then. He saw me as a puppy he could keep treating badly bc I would come running back like a complete idiot.
See him and the situation for what it is. Then make a decision to stop thinking about him.

fits

Take control and cut him off. It will be hard at first but you will feel much better after a while that you've taken back control. He has been straight with you, he doesn't want a relationship so you have to cut him off.

LegacyUser

OP, I was in your shoes a long time ago. She was the absolute love of my life. I had never felt for anyone the love I felt for her. Then one day after three and a half years she just came along and broke up with me.
Shortly after I met her again, having moved on, and all the feelings came back. The behaviour that followed (mine) was embarrassing. I did everything I could to win her back, but she just didn't want to. Unfortunately for me, she didn't just come straight out and say it. Had she just told me what your ex has said to you I might have been more accepting, but I kept getting mixed messages (at least that's how I saw it).
You need to take this and get rid of it. Burn the photos if you have to. Tear up the letters (maybe they're emails these days?). Make the break and have no regrets. Let your closest friends know what's happened. Ask for their support. Avoid everything that reminds you of him, and in those moments when you suddenly notice yourself thinking of him, immediately do something else. Try to talk to someone about anything. I found this to be best as you'll need to give them your attention.
This will get easier over time, until one day you'll realise that you haven't thought of him for months, then years. You'll get past this and some day look back on it with a laugh. Use whatever crutch you need (friends are best), and try not to find yourself alone with your thoughts.
Good luck.

Willow30

He has been honest with me i can't deny that but i feel he has led me on a bit i'm not blaming him for all this i'm a big girl could just say no. Hes said its better that we don't see each other while we get our heads straight and in fairness i guess hes right. I had a relationship with this man but it ended what i've had for almost the past year is all false happiness and me hoping we'll get back together. As forever hopeful said i think i have an unhealthy addiction to this guy. I love him though or maybe i'm in love with the idea of being with him i don't know. My heart aches with the thought of not seeing him. As hard as it is i'm going to walk away, i deserve more i just hope i will get it one day

Willow30

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my post and offer such good advice

misspumpqueen

I can't really say much more than what anyone else has said but you need to look after yourself. It took me a long time to realise that i'm more important than chasing after some guy who says he misses me, yet does eff all about it. i decided not too long ago, 7 months after him breaking up with me, that i needed to stop chasing him because i was wasting my time. it's very hard to stick to it sometimes, and i have broken the spell of no contact, but it's getting easier as every day goes by, and i just know that somewhere down the line i will be happier and i will find someone who doesn't treat me like crap. I do think you should cut all contact from him and if you feel you need to talk to him properly, wait until you're stronger. Be careful and don't forget you're the more important person here, so look after yourself

good luck xxx

Forever Hopeful

Op,
I really feel for you as I remember exactly how it felt. You feel lost and nothing anyone can say right now will help with that but remember no one has ever died from this. We all survive.
This time is the hardest and its only natural to go over every conversation etc but eventually it gets tiring.
Try and distract yourself as much as possible but whatever you do, do not get sucked back in. Keep strong. Believe me you don't want to wake up at nearly 40 realising you wasted so many years.
Take the benefit of hindsight and remember this too shall pass.

Willow30

Its comforting to know other people have done the same and been through the same as what i'm going through. Feel so foolish maybe if i just let go all those months ago i wouldnt be still hung up on this man. Easier said than done and i'm terrified of meeting someone else if i do. I've been here before i know i probably will and look back and laugh just feels horible right now and the fact i've been going around in circles for a year almost makes me think what have i done!!

misspumpqueen

Willow30 wrote: »

Its comforting to know other people have done the same and been through the same as what i'm going through. Feel so foolish maybe if i just let go all those months ago i wouldnt be still hung up on this man. Easier said than done and i'm terrified of meeting someone else if i do. I've been here before i know i probably will and look back and laugh just feels horible right now and the fact i've been going around in circles for a year almost makes me think what have i done!!

It happens, and it's life. Everyone has to go through this at some stage, and we all spend time, possibly too much time, over thinking everything. I was scared too to think of being with someone else, to think of never talking to him again, but after I sent him a very personal text, telling him how i was feeling, and he didn't reply, i knew it was time to stop. He told me he missed me, that he thought we'd work out again, that he wanted to be friends, yet he made NO effort whatsoever, and i just got sick of it. I'm not wasting any more time on someone who isn't bothered to treat me right and you should be the same. Don't worry about what's happened in the past because what's done is done and nothing can change it. All you can do now is look forward to the future knowing you're in control of your own happiness.

Willow30

misspumpqueen wrote: »

It happens, and it's life. Everyone has to go through this at some stage, and we all spend time, possibly too much time, over thinking everything. I was scared too to think of being with someone else, to think of never talking to him again, but after I sent him a very personal text, telling him how i was feeling, and he didn't reply, i knew it was time to stop. He told me he missed me, that he thought we'd work out again, that he wanted to be friends, yet he made NO effort whatsoever, and i just got sick of it. I'm not wasting any more time on someone who isn't bothered to treat me right and you should be the same. Don't worry about what's happened in the past because what's done is done and nothing can change it. All you can do now is look forward to the future knowing you're in control of your own happiness.

Sounds like you've been in my shoes even down to texting and no receiving a reply. Thanks for sharing I hope i can do it like you have

Merkin

Excellent advice from ForeverHopeful and everyone else. It's such a painful place to be and my heart goes out to you.

Willow30 wrote: »

How do i escape this feeling i do feeling addicted nearly i'm so sad about letting him go i'm clinging onto it knowing nothing will change. I think about him a lot and miss him when i'm not seeing him. Been for counselling it helps i know the only way is to move on but i'm struggling

You escape the feelings of addiction by removing the source of the addiction. I'm not suggesting you hire a hitman or anything, you simply have to remove him from your life so you delete his number, defriend him, cut all contact and remove all traces of him. It's like being hooked on cigarettes and dumping your fags and ashtrays and lighters. This man is currently a source of toxicity for you. You see him, you get a temporary hit but ultimately end up feeling like rubbish and damaging your self-esteem.

It's up to you to end this cycle and he has to be complicit as well. He has suggested you cut ties so I'd tell him you agree and to leave you alone once and for all. I know the thought of that must seem so brutal but this has dragged on for long enough and is ultimately causing you immense damage. The moment you genuinely cut contact and no longer allow him to be part of your life is the moment you begin the healing process. And as cliched as it may, time IS a great healer. Like I say, you can only begin that process when you decide enough if enough.

Willow30

Merkin wrote: »

Excellent advice from ForeverHopeful and everyone else. It's such a painful place to be and my heart goes out to you.



You escape the feelings of addiction by removing the source of the addiction. I'm not suggesting you hire a hitman or anything, you simply have to remove him from your life so you delete his number, defriend him, cut all contact and remove all traces of him. It's like being hooked on cigarettes and dumping your fags and ashtrays and lighters. This man is currently a source of toxicity for you. You see him, you get a temporary hit but ultimately end up feeling like rubbish and damaging your self-esteem.

It's up to you to end this cycle and he has to be complicit as well. He has suggested you cut ties so I'd tell him you agree and to leave you alone once and for all. I know the thought of that must seem so brutal but this has dragged on for long enough and is ultimately causing you immense damage. The moment you genuinely cut contact and no longer allow him to be part of your life is the moment you begin the healing process. And as cliched as it may, time IS a great healer. Like I say, you can only begin that process when you decide enough if enough.

Thank you i totally agree, i'm going to do my best to cut him out of my life for good, always was in the back of my head that we could make it work until the weekend. I'm hurting like hell and can only hope the pain will get easier and i can move on and be happy.