Just Existing

LegacyUser

Hi,

There seems to be a large number of posters on here with the same issue as myself - although unfortunately most of them are a lot younger than myself.

I have tried to sort this out myself with self diagnosis on the 'net and trying to find a solution.

I hope this does not come across as shallow, but it might anyhow.

I am in my 30's and have never had a relationship with a memeber of the opposite sex. I am still a virgin and it is starting my make me very anxious. Most of the time I am in good spirits and interact well with people.

However, on the down side, if I see a sex scene on the telly, hear people talking about it on the radio, see an article in magazine or hear a risque song; it makes me fell totally worthless and depressed.

I can honestly say I do not see myself ever having sex as I'm in such a bad place in my life. I have never been a popular person - not unpopular, but usually tagged along to groups when growing up. I am not sure if people know about my predicament. Certainly whilst younger everyone would probably have known as we all socialised together and it would have been obvious that I was never getting a girl. Now, we have all drifted apart and they probably do not know what has happened in the intervening time - which was depression, isolation and tears interleaved with with times where I picked myself up for periods of time.

I do not have any friends so I don't have a social life. I don't have a social life as I have no friends. This is one issue.

The lack of ever having sex or any type of physical relationship is another issue which is causing me probably more anxiety.

It tears me up that I have missed all the formative years of experimenting, enjoying relationships without any expections - basically sex just for the act of sex. I know as I type this, people will be repsonding with statements like 'it is very shallow', a 'caring relationship is better' etc. And that is fine and I am in no position to argue.

However, I want to learn for myself. I want to spread my wild oats. I don't see anything wrong with this desire. Some people might have issues with it, but as long as everyone is consenting and take the necessary precautions then there is no harm.

I don't want to be old and look back on my life an have any regrets. In my ea early thirties I already have more than enough regrets. I know that if I resolve my friends problem things might improve, but it didn't happen in my previous social life, so why would it change now?

I just feel that I need to do something about this issue - if not for my sanity then for the sake of my eyesight! I am tackling the depression through my doctor, but the sex side of things has not improved. I feel that at my age I have missed the fun loving carefree years of late teens and early to mid twenties.

If you do not understand why I want this, then fair enough. In a sense it is about quantity. I want to be like the kid in a sweet shop - trying a bit of everything, seeing what I like, don't like. This is in terms of sex and also in people.

The problem is that I can't see my relationship issues being resolved any time soon. I don't want to keep my virginity any longer. It is not something cherished to give to someone I care about - it is a burden, a cross to bear. I want rid of it and soon. I want to start enjoying life. When I've finished sowing my oats then maybe think about relationships.

You can tut, and I know this post may get a hostile response as most posters in this forum are female and will see me as a chancer. However, most people here have had the fun of their early years to experiment, I want the same.

Maybe, I'll enjoy it. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll find out very quickly that I prefer a relationship. However, what I want is the opportunity to find out what makes me tick.

I just feel that I have missed out on so much in my life laready and I'm trying to cram as much into a short period of time as possible. Unfortunately don't see myself etting married and havign kids, but can't have everything.

Yes, I am aslo expecting posts to state that looking for sex - women will detect this and it will affect my chances of a meaningfull relationship. I know this, but I've not been anywhere near a relationship in my life - even when I was not this desperate!

I am in a confused place at the minute and I don't know what to do. All I do know is that the prime years of my lfe and now almost past. I'll soon be middle aged, bald and with no friends. Not a good place to be.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm fed up with people suggesting I go to a fekking nightclass to meet friends. I've been there many times and it does not work.

Just a bit fed-up with my existance.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I won't hijack your thread with my own tale of woe, but suffice it to say that I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's awful. And sometimes it feels like no mattter what you do, nothing changes. Why can some people meet partners at the drop of a fecking hat and others struggle to meet anyone at all to take an interest in them.

I guess I am still struggling with my own feelings around my situation, but no matter how depressed I feel I always know in the back of my mind that the solution lies with me. Prince Charming isn't going to come galloping up to my door and sweep me away on his white stallion. And while it seems that he isn't anywhere else that I happen to be either, I have to (HAVE to) keep hoping that someday I will meet him. I'm female and pushing 40, so children may not be in my future but hopefully a loving partner will be.

What can we do? Well while appearances aren't everything, I guess we (male and female) should try and present ourselves to the world in the best light - clean, somewhat groomed and look like we didn't get dressed in the dark I'm not saying you should dress like a male model and cover yourself in fake tan, but a decent haircut, nice jeans, clean shoes and nice jacket shows you've made an effort without looking like you've made an effort

Evening classes - while these are great if you're trying to actually learn something, if you want to get to know people in more of a social setting, what about an activity-based hobby, such as the old reliable 'team sports' option. Can you sing/act? Your local drama society/'modern' music choir will proably be crying out for men to join up (they usually are!). Canoeing? Join the Order of Malta/St John's ambulance? Spend some time volunteering locally perhaps.

Not only does this give you something to do during the week, but it also gives you something to TALK about when you are making conversation with people. It shows you have interests in your life apart from work, you are motivated enough to get out and partake in something that requires some effort and commitment on your part, and could also provide you with some funny anecdotes for chats. Not to mention (hopefully) a bit of a social life if there are beers involved after whatever activity you pursue.

You could consider online dating, but I would be VERY careful about this if you are very inexperienced with the opposite sex (or in fact even if you were the opposite, it can still be a minefield, haha!) It is one option, but perhaps you could consider an 'introduction' - type agency where you physically meet a representative from the agency, talk to them and explain your situation - who knows, they may be able to match you up with someone similar. It might be a safer option for you than signing up to an online dating site, I think...

Also please know that you are not alone There are others of us out there who have never been loved and who crave to feel desired and cared for. It just never happened for us. It does sap your self-confidence, but please remember, like I mentioned above, the solution lies with you. Stand back, take a breather, regroup and decide on your plan of action. Look, even if you don't meet a lady, perhaps you'll make a few new mates and get out a couple of evenings a week doing something you enjoy!

Best of luck:)

LegacyUser

Now, we have all drifted apart and they probably do not know what has happened in the intervening time - which was depression, isolation and tears interleaved with with times where I picked myself up for periods of time.

I do not have any friends so I don't have a social life. I don't have a social life as I have no friends. This is one issue.

You stated you might have depression - have you looked into this medically? If not maybe you should as there might have been some undiagnosed condition there. You may also want to seek the services of a therapist it might be worth investing in.

As regards friends hard to make them in your thirties but can be done. Any possibility at work? Join clubs and meet people of mutual interest - hard work but it has to be done I am in the same position 36 and never had a GF. Hang around with guys in pretty much the same position we are all useless with women rest assured you are not alone out there.

I too feel the same when I see kids younger than me in the area I grew up in now as teens/college with their gf's where did I go wrong? I will tell you where and I see it now and still suffer from it I was/am still too shy akward but I am struggling on with it on my own but I am winning and changing myself. Basically I am challenging myself to be more forward in situations I am not socially comfortable in.

You are on your own in a way so am I. My friends dont want to change but I do so I am joining clubs on my own to meet new people, I am going travelling this Summer on my own as they cant be bothered. You have to put yorself out there.

As regards the sex thing I lost my virginity to a prostitute (abroad legally). I had to do it like you it was a weight around my neck. Was it a fulfilling experience it certainly was not. Am I proud of it no I would rather have lost it to a gf I cared about but that wasnt for me. I did it because I felt I had to but not a great experience. You can make your own moral /legal judgements about the pros and cons of this.

Rest assured you are not unique out there by any means but change must come from within and those changes may begin with a docs appointment just to rule things out or a session with a therapist.

Best of luck