Religious- A turn off!

LegacyUser

This post might sound a bit stupid but this is actually bothering me so here it goes....

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months and he's a lovely guy. The other day it came up in conversation that he is actually quite religious. He says he prays before bed every night and would go to mass every Sunday if it weren't for his working hours.

I am not religious at all, and I don't think I know anyone our age who is. We are both 22.

I know it sounds really stupid and shallow but this I found this info. a massive turn off for me. I'm not quite sure why it's bothering me so much, but it is.

Is it stupid of me to be thinking like this? Don't know how I should be feeling really!

Taltos

Folk, no debates here on validity of religion or not. Please keep all comments pertinent to the OP.

Cheers
Taltos

I suppose it's like any thing you fundamentally disagree on OP, you need to decide for yourself just how big an issue it is.
What if you are with him long term and if you want marriage and kids - and what if he expects a religious wedding/religion for the children?
It's not stupid, we all have things that are dealbreakers or otherwise for ourselves

username123

Yeah, couldn't do it myself, too fundamental a difference.

Although I actually disagree with religion. If I didn't feel strongly against it but just had no interest it'd be ok - like if the person was big into some sport I'd no interest in.

So it really depends on how you feel about religion OP. If you think it is a bad thing, then you probably have no future with this guy. If you think it's harmless then maybe you can just get used to it. But you should talk to him about it and about things like his thoughts on baptising children etc.

LegacyUser

Ya, it would worry me a bit if things were to get serious.
I already have a child and I decided against having her christened. I want her to choose for herself when shes old enough. Obviously I don't want her to be raised differently to any potential siblings!
I don't know how important raising children religiously would be to him.

Apart from anything that may or may not happen in the future, I just find the whole idea of him praying before bed so.... unsexy!
To me religion is something for old people and kids who don't know any better. ( Not saying this is right btw, it's just how it is in my head!)
I find the whole praying thing kind of childish, like it was something his mammy told him to do as a child and he never grew out of it.

This may not even make sense, just the whole idea of it is a turn off. I don't ewant this to get in the way because he is generally a great guy.

a posse ad esse

username123 wrote: »

Although I actually disagree with religion. If I didn't feel strongly against it but just had no interest it'd be ok - like if the person was big into some sport I'd no interest in.
.

You really cannot make an analogy between the two. A sport is a hobby whereas religion is a way of life.

I am religious and practising and there is nothing wrong that you do not approve or against it. The issue here is that you are both not compatible.

I have seen many break-ups and divorce regarding this issue. People who are not religious at all marrying someone who is. Then the children come along what happens? Or the opposite, a couple who marries that are not religious than one day the kids show up somehow the church starts to play a role in one of their lives, then what?

If it bothers you, than it is best to let it go. Do it now because the longer you wait the more difficult it becomes.

username123

a posse ad esse wrote: »

You really cannot make an analogy between the two. A sport is a hobby whereas religion is a way of life.

I wasn't trying to compare the ontology of both, simply to explain the difference between being actively against something and being disinterested without prejudice such as one may feel about sport.

OP, judging on what you have followed up with, I doubt you are suited to someone religious. It's too fundamental, a different worldview, a different value system. You actually look down on it, you have already lost respect for this guy, what's the point of being with someone you don't respect?

SillyOrSerious

SillyOrSerious wrote: »

To me religion is something for old people and kids who don't know any better. ( Not saying this is right btw, it's just how it is in my head!)
I find the whole praying thing kind of childish, like it was something his mammy told him to do as a child and he never grew out of it.

If this has turned you off him, it's turned you off him. Sometimes you make compromises in relationships. This doesn't seem like a compromise, this seems like you trying to convince yourself you still like him even though from what you've said in the quote above, you have a pretty low opinion of him now.

I've gotten over some pretty huge disagreements in relationships, but if I was the guy you're talking about, I'd want to know if you felt this way, because I wouldn't want to stick around with someone who thought my religious activities were childish. (I'm not saying you have to like the way he practices his religion, I just think it's unrealistic to stay with him when you think this way)

Benny_Cake

Honestly, I think you need to speak to him about this. Praying and so on is a deeply personal aspect of someone's life but the crunch would most likely come in relation to matters relating to marriage, and baptism and schooling of children. They are all probably a good distance in the future but you should talk about it now - if there are red lines on either side where compromise would be impossible then it would be best to know about them.

I'm a Christian and my girlfriend is agnostic/indifferent. We've been together for years and are engaged and I haven't found religious differences have had a negative effect on our relationship. That said, I'm a pretty liberal kind of guy and it's a very personal matter for me, I don't believe in shoving my beliefs down someone else's throat or that I'm completely right and everyone else is wrong. If someone was more conservative then it would be difficult though.

Speak to him about it and see how he feels.

Chronic Button

Talk to him. Be respectful of his right to his beliefs.

Successful couples usually share similar values.

Stavro Mueller

From the manner in which you're describing this, I think this could well be a dealbreaker. I'm a lapsed catholic but have friends who still go to mass. It doesn't bother me one bit what they do because as far as I'm concerned, religion is a personal thing. It'd be different if someone was trying to shove their religious beliefs down my neck but that has never happened.

What's coming across here is a lack of respect for your boyfriend's beliefs. You're entitled to think what you think but so does he. This paragraph is strong stuff IMHO

I just find the whole idea of him praying before bed so.... unsexy!
To me religion is something for old people and kids who don't know any better. ( Not saying this is right btw, it's just how it is in my head!) I find the whole praying thing kind of childish, like it was something his mammy told him to do as a child and he never grew out of it

If it is bothering you as much as it is, then I think this relationship is doomed no matter what anyone says. It is bothering you and you're coming out with this very strong reaction to his personal beliefs. I know couples where one partner is more religious than the other and it doesn't appear to have been a problem. The secret is in accepting the other person's belief (or lack of) and letting them get on with it. I'm not hearing that in what you're writing. You think that because you and your peers aren't religious at all, that there's something wrong with your boyfriend for having the beliefs he has.

afterglow

SillyOrSerious wrote: »

This post might sound a bit stupid but this is actually bothering me so here it goes....

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months and he's a lovely guy. The other day it came up in conversation that he is actually quite religious. He says he prays before bed every night and would go to mass every Sunday if it weren't for his working hours.

I am not religious at all, and I don't think I know anyone our age who is. We are both 22.

I know it sounds really stupid and shallow but this I found this info. a massive turn off for me. I'm not quite sure why it's bothering me so much, but it is.

Is it stupid of me to be thinking like this? Don't know how I should be feeling really!

Hi there OP

So, I will tell you of my own personal situation, it is not in relation to religion, but about something that is as important to me as religion is to your bf, hopefully this will help you, and then I have a question for you.

So, my story first. I am living with my boyfriend of nearly 5 years for the past 2 now. We get on great and he is very accepting and tollerant of everything I want to do/try this is lots of new things frequently, most of which he would have no interest in, but he never critisises which is fantastic, but now to get to the point that is relivant to your situation...
Last year I decided to go vegetarian. This lead me to have an encounter with a religious sect that I wish it hadn't, and though I know I am going on a bit of a tangent here pleass bear with me. My bf supported me through my crazy encounter with that group, and he is a meet eater and thinks I am mad to be vegetarian. When I finally came to my senses and got away from aforementioned group, I went a bit mad and stopped being vegetarian for a while, but now have definitely decided that it is a lifestyle choice that I want to make for myself. (like your bf's religious beliefs)
Through everything, my bf has been nothing but supportive, and though he doesn't subscribe to a vegetarian lifestyle himself, he would never make fun of my choices, in the same way I do not, and would never, critisize him for eating meet. Obviously I wish he wouldn't do it but I don't want trouble between us in what is an excellent relationship so we agree to disagree and this works great for us. You ask what should you be thinking, I would not even dream of commenting on this, but I told you the vegetarian story to show that what me and my partner do is compromise. I know if we ever have children there will be discussions/debates about whether we raise them vegetarian or not, but I will cross that bridge when and if, we come to it. What I am trying to say is that if you want to, you can absolutely do as we do, and just agree to disagree. Your bf is religious, you're not. I'm vegetarian, my bf is not. As I said before I don't go around always telling him he shouldn't eat meet, he doesn't constantly tell me I am mad to only eat vegetables!!! Though I'm sure he thinks it sometimes
I think that if you want to, you could do something similar with your bf. Maybe sit down if you want to at some stage, and just explain that his lifestyle choices re religion are not for you, and that you would maybe rather he practiced somewhere that is his own special spiritual place. That way, he still gets to practice and have his spiritual path/life, but you both can still coexist/maybe live at some point, harmoniously with no arguments.
Hope what I have said has been of some help/made sense.
The very best of luck to you OP
PS:
Forgot my question almost.
Something for you to think about is, do you only think that what he is practicing and believes in is childish because it is catholicism he is practicing, or is it religion in general that you don't agree with? Not something for you to respond to here, just something you might think about in your own time/could help you perhaps reach a conclusion for yourself as well as other things I've suggested.

Reading this, I think it's up to you to decide- walk or not?

Getting him to stop religion is not an option. At all. Just like getting him to take up one if you were religious would be completely taboo. We all make that decision, the most personal one that we make in life, the one we have a right to determine for ourselves, and no one has a right to change that or belittle us for our choice to do it or not do it.

Now the onus is on you.

Is his praying a problem?

If it's not, shrug your shoulders and put up with it.

If it is, *Walk*. Go. Leave. To stay would be stringing him on, and you'll be wasting his & your time. Better make the cut now, than later on when it'll be 100x harder.

dixiefly

You do need to speak to him and make him clear about your lack of religious belief and that you would be actively against getting any offspring baptised etc, that you would not want a church marriage.

You may find that this would also be a deal breaker to him.

You don't even need to to go as far as saying that his praying is unsexy but your post does ooze a level of distaste to this and other aspects of his religious beliefs. I would have thought that your relationship would have to be VERY strong in other ways to get over this and to have a long term future.

Talk it through with him sooner rather than later.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies.

When I say that it's childish, I think it's because I'm not sure how big into it he really is. He had a very sheltered childhood and teenage life and is from a very quiet rural area where the done thing is for everyone in the family to go to mass on a Sunday.

I don't think he has ever questioned this and I get the feeling that he is carrying on because it was what he was told to do as a child.

I think this is what is bothering me more than the religion itself.

Of course I know he is perfectly entitled to practise any religion he likes as long as he is not interfering with anyone else. I would never try to to get him to stop or upset him in anyway about it. As I said, he is perfect in every other way and I didn't mean to sound so harsh about him!

CaraMay

You are assuming he is being a sheep when in reality he may have thought about it, decided he does believe and does want to be a practising catholic.

Just because he prays doesn't mean he kneels beside his bed and does it. Maybe his prayers consist of hoping all his family and friends will be safe and have a happy life and not a decade of the rosary. I have no religious belief but don't feel I have the right to judge someone who does. There is nothing childish about him praying though.

The practical aspects could be discussed in case you had kids and as others said you may not be compatible because of your views but then again if you are so staunch in your anti religion views, maybe there is no common ground.

Roisy7

OP, I'd be the exact same as yourself. I know it's an issue of tolerance, and yes, I know I don't want my boyfriend to agree with me on every single thing (cos how boring would that be?!) but religion is a deal-breaker for me.

Look, ok he has your beliefs. You have yours. You need to be sure if his unquestioning is as unquestioning as you think. For me, I'd find unquestioning Catholicism a major issue to compromise over.

If you get married, will it have to be in a church? That would be a major dealbreaker for me, because I am adamant that I am not getting married in a church. I have a friend who is raised a Protestant, and that is an issue between her and her boyfriend already, because his mother wants him to get married in a Catholic church, but if she did that she would have to sign an agreement to pledge to raise their children Catholic. You also have to attend a pre-marriage course and all that stuff, I'm not sure where you stand on that.

Marriage is a long way off if ever, but the problem is arising now. You find his devotion a turn-off, for whatever reason. You need to talk to him about this asap.

_Whimsical_

SillyOrSerious wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies.

When I say that it's childish, I think it's because I'm not sure how big into it he really is. He had a very sheltered childhood and teenage life and is from a very quiet rural area where the done thing is for everyone in the family to go to mass on a Sunday.

I don't think he has ever questioned this and I get the feeling that he is carrying on because it was what he was told to do as a child.

I think this is what is bothering me more than the religion itself.

Of course I know he is perfectly entitled to practice any religion he likes as long as he is not interfering with anyone else. I would never try to to get him to stop or upset him in anyway about it. As I said, he is perfect in every other way and I didn't mean to sound so harsh about him!

Strangely I can't help reading about him and taking the exact opposite read from the situation than you OP. You say he probably unquestioningly goes to mass because he's childish/weak, yet he lives in a society where church bashing is as common as talking about the weather. He surely knows it's pretty "uncool" to be young and religious yet he's standing against the tide and goes to mass and admits he prays before bed. Maybe he's actually a strong character who is staying true to himself in a world where it's much easier go with the flow of the general consensus. Maybe there is something to be respected there. The fact that he would go to mass and does pray while away from the pressures of his family would indicate to me that it's something very personal to him rather than a parental behaviour he's just mimicing for no reason.

It doesn't seem like you've sat down and had any meaningful conversation on the subject with him. You might have tried and not got anywhere but then he might not feel comfortable to go into great detail with you about his faith.I'm sure he has sensed your opinion on the matter and could feel there's no point trying to share that intimate part of his life with you. You'd probably want to be a bit more open minded if you expected him to confide.

As someone mentioned earlier religion doesn't sound to be the problem here at all. It sounds more like you have a fundamental disrespect for the guy or a niggling sense that he is not sophisticated enough for you. You might not be able to put your finger on why that is,I doubt it's regarding his religion alone. It might be time to have a serious think about the relationship. You sound like you want something different than what you have and he sounds like he deserve more in terms of respect from a partner.

Lux23

If you have been dating him for eight months, and the subject of his faith has only been raised now I can't imagine that he is that religious. Or that he is the type of person to ram his beliefs down your throat. It could cause issues in years to come, but maybe give the relationship more time to develop before you end it. It might not actually matter to him that much.

Beruthiel

SillyOrSerious wrote: »

I know it sounds really stupid and shallow

I don't consider it either stupid or shallow.
I am an atheist and have very strong opinions on religious beliefs, I don't respect them.
I respect your right to have them, but I don't respect them and I will judge you on them.
I will judge you for what I see to be nothing more than fairy tales and how an otherwise intelligent adult can hold such beliefs is beyond me.

Therefore, it would be inconceivable for me to have a partner who was in any way religious.
It would be a deal breaker for me.

So OP, only you can decide on whither this is a deal breaker for you or not.

_Whimsical_

Beruthiel wrote: »

I don't consider it either stupid or shallow.

I think if you read the posts by the OP you'll see she doesn't have a problem with him being religious as such,more a problem that she seems to find it an uncool "unsexy" behaviour she thinks he does as an unquestioning mimicking of his parents.

Taltos

Can I remind folk to try to stay away from discussing if religion is valid or not. While some context setting maybe required lets be sensitive here.

Thanks
Taltos

P. Breathnach

The relationship has been going for eight months, and it is only recently that his attitude to religion came to OP's attention. This hardly suggests that he is some type of Holy Joe. I infer that there is not a significant mismatch between the social values of OP and her boyfriend, even if her values are rooted in a non-religious view of life and his are mediated by his religious beliefs. So it might be that in this case religion does not have to be a deal-breaker.

Yes, a discussion is needed, but it does not have to be along the lines of "change your position or we are finished".

tbh

it's not different to if you were a Liverpool fan and he was a Man. Utd fan.

In an of itself its not problem.

If you don't have a problem with him supporting Man Utd, and he doesn't mind you supporting Liverpool, then you're grand.

If one of you is forcing the other to compromise, then you're not.