co-parenting with an alcoholic

allie_upe

Do I have the right to feel hopeless? This is my life. I am a 28 year old mother of a less than 2 year old, I work full time from 5am until 2, and don't arrive home until after 3.. I do laundry, dishes, play with my son, cook dinner (not every night )..and wait until my fiancé (of 5 years) to come home from work around 6:30.. He comes home, plays on his iphone, yells at our son for babbling, then cracks open a beer...then another and another and another. He drinks at least 4 tall cans a night almost every weeknight. And when the weekend comes, he will spend maybe a total of 4 hours with our son and I. He goes out every weekend and comes home obliterated at 3am most every time. I worry that this cycle, which I thought would end, won't. And,i don't want our son to grow up around this behavior. Our relationship is lacking in all aspects..sexually, emotionally and mentally. I never get time of my own, if I want to go out I have to literally plan it at least a week in advance as if he's a babysitter..half the time i'm the one who puts him to Sleep before I even leave, so he doesn't even have to do anything. His friends always come before anyone else.. And my needs are never met. He doesn't even try to enjoy anything unless it is something he wants...i don't know what to do or how to start. When our relationship started, it was amazing, and I never loved like that before... But now I have become empty from being alone for sooo long, we never do anything together anymore...help!

realgirl

I'd say you'll get loads of posts telling you to leave this guy, something I think you should consider very carefully. Your child's health, happiness and well-being is being jeopardised here, as is yours. If you're going to continue in this relationship there are a few things I think you can do.

1. Don't buy any booze to have in the house, if your partner wants beers in the fridge, let him put them there
2. Talk to your partner about how you feel, if you're not sure what to say you could show him your post on here. Try not to give out to him, be respectful and explain how you feel, why you find it so difficult, and ask for his help on the things you would like to change.
3. If your partner does nothing to help around the house, stop doing his laundry, making his dinner and buying his personal items when you go shopping (beer, shaving foam, razors etc). You are presumably not there to be his personal housekeeper so don't act like one. Remember that if he lived alone he would have to do these things for himself, so why are you doing them if he isn't pulling his weight.
4. Consider going to counselling. I think it could really help you out of this situation, whether that means improving the relationship or ending it.

All the best with it all, its a tough situation to be in, hope you find a happier path for yourself and your child.

Sittingpretty

Excellent and very tolerant advice from Realgirl.

Was there something to cause this change in behaviour? Have you addressed it with him before? Is he unwilling to change?

Honestly, if it were me, I'd leave.

LegacyUser

OP, I did a double take when I read your post..you described me 20years ago!
I rarely post on here but I had to reply..

I was in your shoes years ago , same age baby boy etc. Please take my advice and go to Al-Anon.
The lonely life you are describing is heartbreaking. I cannot tell you to leave but I can say that you have to step back and let go of this man. You have to look after your own needs and that of the baby's first. I left my ex and foolishly I went back, but it just got worse. Years later he did sober up but the damage was done. We plodded along but he left me as his own needs, friends etc came first even after sobriety. He was a selfish damaged man.Years down the line I am so annoyed that I tried so hard to give my son a two parent home..I wasted years and my son as a young adult has no real relationship with his father and he cannot understand why I let his father stay in the house for so long, his memories of his dad are of him lying on the sofa drinking can after can of beer.
I felt trapped and looking back I just needed someone to tell me it was ok to leave. Children grow up fast and move on with their lives..what about YOUR life? I was afraid to be a single parent but the reality is I already was one! At least when we split up he had to pay maintenance, take his child at weekends and face his demons. Also my in laws had to stop denying their son's problems. My heart goes out to you. Please go to a counsellor for yourself and your child. I wish you well x

username123

Go to Alanon and learn how to cope with this. You will get the correct support and advice there.

I want you to think about your child. I am the child of an alcoholic. I have long term problems that come from being raised in that environment, I have to constantly work on myself because if I let my guard down i slip back into bad habits I was raised with. I was afraid of my father from a very early age. I associated the smell of booze with being scared. I knew that there was something wrong from a VERY early age. I know we moved house when I was 5, and I was aware of the alcoholism at that age but I didnt understand thats what it was.

Children of alcoholics are a well documented phenomena, they display certain behaviours, develop certain issues, are more likely to abuse alcohol or get into abusive relationships themselves etc....

Now, I want you to think about you. Youre 28 years of age. Do you want the rest of your life to be this? Do you want no emotional support, no sex, a life of worry, a life with someone who has a progessive addiction to get worse? Do you want to watch your child suffer through this? My mother had a stroke at 53 years of age from the stress of living with alcoholism. The stroke was severe and it left her brain damaged and in a wheelchair. My father had alcohol induced brain damage by the time he died. He was in his 50s and looked like he was in his 70s, his personality was wiped. He regularly p1ssed and sh1t the bed and vomited around the place, the floor, wherever and lay in it drunk.

I was the laugh of the local area growing up, everyone knew I was the daughter of the local drunken fool.

Hope some of my story helps you to think about what the future can hold with alcoholism. Please go to Alanon.