Things getting worse every day

LegacyUser

Hi all.

I don't want to reveal too much about myself here as I know a lot of people who regularly use boards and I wouldn't want them knowing I'm posting this.

The last two years have been the worst of my life. My father was diagnosed with throat cancer, my mother was hospitalized for over a month with a still to be determined illness, my grandfather and 12 year old dog passed, my sister was diagnosed with epilepsy, my aunt had a heart attack and my uncle was diagnosed with COPD.

My mother is undoubtedly my favourite person and I've always been close to her with barely a cross word besides when I was 16 and started acting like an absolute arséhole and did a lot of stupid things until I turned 18, that's all in the past now though. I'm 20 now and seeing her dealing with all of these things and the toll they've taken on her has just amplified everything I was feeling.

On top of all this, I am in a college I hate, doing a course I hate. It's a two year follow on from a Fetac Level 5 I did after my Leaving Cert. It's over in May so I refuse to drop out. I went into the course expecting to love what was entailed in it and have discovered I really don't. I have a woeful leaving cert (215 points, failed Maths) so I don't have the option to just go and do something else in a University.

I guess the future is my biggest worry. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I cannot imagine being happy at any course or resulting job. I could continue on to a degree in what I'm doing now next year, but obviously I don't want to do that. I just feel like the biggest waste of space going. I have literally no skills, no talents. I was never into sports. I tried playing musical instruments for 12 years and couldn't do that. I can barely hold a screwdriver. I know I'm not stupid, I don't think I'm lazy. By right I should repeat my leaving cert but I think if I tried to do that next September I'd be in an even worse place because even though I know it's right, I wouldn't be able for the pressure again, as 2010 when I did my original LC was the worst academic experience of my life so far.

As I said, my LC was so terrible that even if I knew what I wanted to do I wouldn't be able to do it. I want to work so I can start paying my way in my family, I've applied for a few jobs but have got nothing yet, not even an interview, which of course I understand is a lot harder now than years ago but it's frustrating nonetheless. And if I got a job, I'd probably hate it too and end up just as miserable.

As it stands now, I presume I'll finish my course as best I can, go on to the dole afterwards as I've already spent three months looking unsuccessfully for a job but at least had my college grant, I wont do it with no income whatsoever. I don't know. I don't even know what type of response I want or expect from this post but it's the most I've talked about any of it in a year so maybe that in itself will be of some help. I'm sick of having so money, I'm sick of my parents struggling with having no money and all of these illnesses plaguing us. I dunno.

Thanks

pastorbarrett

There is the matter of considering just how you view your life circumstances as they stand right now, OP. Or rather, a way of choosing how you seek to engage with them, which is in essence, how you view your self right now.

Granted, you've had a tough time of late. Not to be crass, but life can be like that. And yet you've held it together thus far:

You've elected to finish your course- that shows resolve and determination. Sure, it's not ideal, but any qualification will stand to you in future, and you'd be surprised by the doors (potentially in totally unrelated fields) that piece of paper may open for you in years to come.

You mightn't realise it, but no doubt you're of valuable support to your family, particularly your Mum who you're close to. Do what you can to be there for her during this time. This doesn't mean any grand gestures; just being a quietly supportive presence is often enough. This is in itself is hugely giving and important- don't underestimate the value of your contribution here.

The future...who know's what's going to happen? It's so easy and tempting to catastrophize, particularly if things at present are rough. But it's important to focus your energies on what's happening now. I don't mean for you to entirely neglect your life post college etc-but approach it with a strategic plan. For example, I'll do up a decent CV/ resumé, I'll look at post grads in different fields, I'll talk to lecturer, career guidance counselors in college and so on.

For the moment, stay calm and plough on. You're doing more than ok. It might seem like it's getting worse instead of better, but have faith in yourself. Good luck

Dr Sunshine

OP, sorry to hear life is so difficult for you at the moment. You have a lot on your plate with both your parents being ill and the fact you don't like the course you are doing is not helping. I'm sure you have talents and experience you can bring to the workplace. My advice would be to stick with your course until May as you've come this far. Your local VEC should have an Adult Guidance counsellor. Make an appointment and they will help you to see what career path might suit you.

We can get bogged down in all the negativity around us. I know it's not easy but try to focus on any good things in your life. Talk to friends and family about your worries. Sharing problems can help put them in perspective. Take some time to go out or do activities that you enjoy to allow yourself to recharge.

I wish you all the best. Take care.

LegacyUser

I know how you feel at the moment as I had a few times in my life which were not easy.
When things get tough you can give up or you make the best of each day that comes.
At the moment you are going through a hard time and as a result you feel that things will never get better in college or after leaving college.
I would advise you to stick with college and get there advice in regards to what you can do next. It may be worth while staying in college to do your degree.
I know what it is like to be in college without much money but just say to yourself this hard work will be worth it.
I have friends who went though various bad times in the past but they all said I got though it, I learned things and it made me a better person.
Make sure you keep in contact with your friends. Let them know about what is happening in your life so they know why you may not be in good form or available to go out as much.
I know that things are tough at the moment but you need to keep in contact with people and plan things to do that you enjoy as they will help you relax. Make sure that you eat properly and take some muti vitimins also as this will help you feel better and stop you from getting run down or getting sick.
Good Luck and keep looking forward as better days and times will come for you.