Not fair :( - Feel totally worthless

LegacyUser

Where to start, this could go on for pages and pages but I'll try my best to fit it into well co-ordinated paragraphs for you guys reading it

Well, I am a 21 year old male, soon to be 22, who has been dealt a terrible, terrible hand in life accompanied with lots of my own personal issues. I really need support but I don't know if there is any for me or who or where to go. Now don't get me wrong, this thread is not a "woe is me, give me sympathy to make me feel better" thread, this is a genuine cry for help and maybe to get a second opinion from people on my situation and what I could possibly do

Where to start, I'm unemployed. I've done my leaving cert in '09 and passed with results I'm happy with, I've just never done anything with them. TBH, I've not done anything since the LC. I contemplated going to college, but I didn't really feel I could. Which leads me to my second problem. My mother. My mother fell into a pit of alcohol addiction when I was 17 and doing my LC. She eventually lost her job, and became completely addicted to the bottle. She'd be drunk everyday, would stop doing what she usually did, i.e, pick up siblings from school, look after bills, cook, clean, etc, she became a slob and was rarely at home and completely became a different person. Me and my brother and younger sister took it upon ourselves to complete these tasks while still studying for our LCs. My older brother and sister moved out and got on with their lives, while at first I was angry and upset with them for leaving, as I got older I realized they only wanted to start their own lives.

So until this day, she is still that person. We're poor since she left her job. My father doesn't live with us. And believe me I've felt the pressure of all of this as I try my very best to find a job but I never hear word back from anyone. I live at home with my two younger siblings, 20, and 17, and I'm 21, and kinda sad to say we have to rely on an alcoholic woman. She gets social welfare and pays a few bits of bills, does a bit of shopping, then is gone god knows where for the next 6 days. She doesn't show or keep in contact. She's up to her eyes in debt and arrears and me and my brother pay bills, extra food etc every week, and rarely have two pennies to rub together between ourselves every week, it's such a hard struggle. She's been intervened on many occasions over the years, been to rehab, tried her best to reform herself over the last 3-4 years, but so much blood, sweat ad tears has been given to her (and tonnes of money), and she has resigned to being the person she is. Now a days, she shows no regret or any sign of guilt, when confronted about what she's doing, she will either laugh or play it off, or claim she doesn't care, she will outright say she drank any money we ask for her to account for, and will usually put us down in the process. I'm talking complete transformation of a person, she now knows what she is doing and does not want to change.

My younger brother goes to college, and I myself filled out a CAO application this year, in hopes of getting back to education to secure some sort of job or qualifications for myself for the future, my younger sister is doing her LC this year so please God come september there will be 3 full time students in the household. Thing is, can I go to college? I've been told by many people I have to keep looking for a job and if worst comes to worst, stay on the dole as long as I look for work, and use the money to keep the house afloat. Thing is, I don't want to do that anymore. People keep telling me I have to. It's like I have to put my life on hold for all of this, I'm soon 22 and too many years spent trying so hard for this woman and broken household, I never have money for myself at all, I have no social life. I constantly have to deal with phone calls from debt collectors, ESB, etc, looking for my mother and asking about money and deadlines, I've had to sell some of my possessions to keep a roof over our head (yes, an eviction notice was put on our door not too long ago, sorted now, but just an indication of how bad things really are).

There is no family support, her side of the family have resigned from the whole thing and never keep in contact, don't help and pretty much don't care, sadly it's just us fighting this and it's becoming too much for us to take. I sit awake at night and wonder why all this is happening, if it will ever end, where I see myself in years to come. I want to go to college but I don't know if financially it will work? My brother gets a grant I guess I could too? I just don't want the household to go to ruin, yet I still want to pursue my own goals, it's really unfair, she has a great time at our expense, she acts and looks like a different person, we've tried our best for her but year after year she threw it back in everyone's faces, I feel unloved and useless, I feel terrible and I want out of this rut. I am sick of worrying about bills, where our next meal is going to come from, money, etc, let alone my own problems (which are quite a lot), my head is just going to explode, every day is a constant downer and a worry. Many days we have no food as we have no money, many days we cant afford heating so we literally go cold and hungry. It's really sad, and I want to pursue my own goals yet still make sure everything at home is at least mantained

Personally, I feel useless. I mean, most people my age talk about, prospects, relationships, nights out, sex, this and that, that's pretty much their worries, my worries and problems are so much more than that, I don't feel attractive, at age 21 I've never had a relationship, my self esteem is just crap, I feel ugly I always wonder why I'm different, if I'll ever fall in love, if I ever be happy, will my family problems always hold me back? I want to lose weight but it's so tough cause I never have money left over to join gym or buy health food etc? I just feel like I have so many problems and feel worthless, like no one likes me or I don't feel important

Boombastic

Worthless_guy wrote: »

..................................
................ I've been told by many people I have to keep looking for a job and if worst comes to worst, stay on the dole as long as I look for work, and use the money to keep the house afloat. Thing is, I don't want to do that anymore. People keep telling me I have to.

Don't listen to those people OP. You want to go to college, go. It can be your escape to this situation and a chance for you to make your own life and fulfill your own dreams. Apply for the grant etc and get things in order for you. In the mean time, there are groups out there for family members of Alcoholics. Contact them and get support from them.


You will find love at some stage in the future but do not dwell on this. If your weight is making you unhappy, start jogging..costs nothing and can release frustration. You are not worthless, you are young and have managed to complete exams and hold a household together, many people older that you can not achieve that.

Best of luck

Worthless_guy

There's no point in just keeping looking for a job. The longer the gap in your CV is the less chance you have of finding something. I know it sounds easier than it is, but you have to be pro-active. Do a FÁS course, do unpaid work, do anything to fill in your CV and give yourself a fresh start on the job hunt.

If your brother gets a grant, you probably can too.

Worthless_guy wrote: »

I mean, most people my age talk about, prospects, relationships, nights out, sex, this and that, that's pretty much their worries, my worries and problems are so much more than that, I don't feel attractive, at age 21 I've never had a relationship, my self esteem is just crap, I feel ugly

It's really not like that for most people. Everyone has problems. There are plenty of people, even extremely attractive people, who have not had a relationship by 21. Of those who do have relationships at 21, most of those did not happen because of mad nights out. If you feel you're missing out on a social life, it's not because of a lack of money.

I want to lose weight but it's so tough cause I never have money left over to join gym or buy health food etc?

You don't need money to lose weight. There's a difference between buying health food and buying healthy food. You don't have to do anything fancy, just cut the junk, cut the portions of stodgy/fatty stuff and increase your fruit and veg intake. That will more than start you off on the right path. You can easily exercise at home or on a local green/park if you have one, or take to the streets and start running.

On the whole, OP, your worry at the moment is money. Everything else is a self-confidence problem. Look into FÁS, look into a grant, look into family-of-alcoholics support. Stop worrying about what other people have, and just concentrate on getting yourself into a better mindset.

TheBellJar

OP, you CAN go to college.

Apply for a grant and look for a course in a city with more job ops...then get the hell out of that house. I understand you need to watch out for your siblings but they're adults now and they seem to be doing okay so it's time to look after YOU for a change! You're 21, you don't need to be living at home.

You absolutely can do this, I grew up with sh1t parents too and supported myself from my early teens- so trust me, it's do-able!

smash

Worthless_guy wrote: »

Personally, I feel useless.

It's understandable why you might feel like this. But if you look at your struggle and how you've managed to hold it together you'll see that you are in fact the opposite!

Babooshka

Worthless_guy wrote: »

I've been told by many people I have to keep looking for a job and if worst comes to worst, stay on the dole as long as I look for work, and use the money to keep the house afloat. Thing is, I don't want to do that anymore. People keep telling me I have to. It's like I have to put my life on hold for all of this, I'm soon 22 and too many years spent trying so hard for this woman and broken household, I never have money for myself at all, I have no social life. I constantly have to deal with phone calls from debt collectors, ESB, etc, looking for my mother and asking about money and deadlines, I've had to sell some of my possessions to keep a roof over our head (yes, an eviction notice was put on our door not too long ago, sorted now, but just an indication of how bad things really are).

There is no family support, her side of the family have resigned from the whole thing and never keep in contact, don't help and pretty much don't care, sadly it's just us fighting this and it's becoming too much for us to take. I sit awake at night and wonder why all this is happening, if it will ever end, where I see myself in years to come. I want to go to college but I don't know if financially it will work? My brother gets a grant I guess I could too? I just don't want the household to go to ruin, yet I still want to pursue my own goals, it's really unfair, she has a great time at our expense, she acts and looks like a different person, we've tried our best for her but year after year she threw it back in everyone's faces, I feel unloved and useless, I feel terrible and I want out of this rut. I am sick of worrying about bills, where our next meal is going to come from, money, etc, let alone my own problems (which are quite a lot), my head is just going to explode, every day is a constant downer and a worry. Many days we have no food as we have no money, many days we cant afford heating so we literally go cold and hungry. It's really sad, and I want to pursue my own goals yet still make sure everything at home is at least mantained

Hi...sounds like you have become the "adult" in this situation and you're now "parenting" your parent. I would really look for some support, via AA meetings, for yourself OP before you even consider college. There are AA meetups countrywide and they provide free support meetings for relatives of alcoholics, these meetings are not for your mother, they're just for support for you and you alone. You're a very strong, kind person by the sounds of it, as you don't want to just run and turn your back on the rest of your family, which is more than I feel your mother deserves at present. She has done that though, shunned her responsibilities to her children and left you to fend for yourselves before her youngest became fully independent, and it sounds like you feel over responsible for her actions. You're not, you'd be well within your rights to run off yourself if you wanted to and it gets too hard for you to do so.

Anyway, I could be off the mark and maybe you don't feel you need extra support, but you sound awfully alone, and just talking in a group or listening to other people's stories may help you and give you the strength to make a decision as to what your next move could be so far as college etc. goes. Sometimes people just need to be heard, it's amazing the strength it could give you, so if I was you, I'd google AA support meetings in your area. I wish you strength and keep your faith that your future will be a happier one than at present, I am sure it's very hard for you. You will take what you're going through now and use the hardship to build a happier adulthood for yourself, I am sure of that.

Although you said you don't want sympathy, my heart does go out to you, you are not useless so please stop thinking these things. Just because your mother has no respect for herself and has hateful feelings towards herself (she wouldn't be addicted to alcohol if she didn't) does not mean that you have to go down the same road, try to create some space for yourself at least once a week where you feel safe, able to express your feelings, and you can be you without all of the issues in your home currently. I wish you the very best of luck. B

username123

Worthless_guy wrote: »

Thing is, can I go to college? I've been told by many people I have to keep looking for a job and if worst comes to worst, stay on the dole as long as I look for work, and use the money to keep the house afloat. Thing is, I don't want to do that anymore. People keep telling me I have to.

You can do whatever you want. These people who tell you you have to pull together and be responsible - theyre telling you that because you are the soft touch who holds it all together and they dont want the status quo to change because then THEY might have to do something or pull their weight.

Listen - my father was a horrible destructive alcoholic bully whose aggressive behaviour caused my mother to be on valium (for her nerves dont you know) since her 40s. She had a massive stroke in her early 50s from stress and he descended into a pit of utter depravity with regards to the alcohol and guess what - I was the one deemed to be the responsible person to take care of it all. My brother was long gone (and I dont blame him I only wish I had thought of it first). So I tried, and I suffered, and I witnessed things that still cause me to wake up screaming almost 20 years later. And after a few years of trying to hold it all together for a brain damaged women in a wheelchair and a raving aggressive alcoholic I went to Alanon because my own health (both mental and physical) was destroyed. I was really at the end of my rope and the only answer I could see was suicide or kill the alcoholic. Thats where I was - and I had all these cnuts telling me I had to hold it together and that my mother depended on me etc....

Well balls to that. I walked away. I had to or else someone would have died. And you know what? The alcoholic kept drinking, my mother kept making excuses for him - and life continued like I had never even been there. They didnt give a flying fcuk about me, only about drink.

I should have walked away years before.

In short - get to Alanon. Move out if you possibly can (speak to citizens advice or social welfare regarding being assessed as an adult on your own living out of the family home). Live your own life. Let the alcoholic ruin themselves, but dont let them drag you down too.

I promise you, you will feel guilty - but guilt is NOTHING compared to the sense of relief at not being the responsible adult anymore. The truth is - you cannot control the situation, its someone elses drinking that is the problem and you cannot ever control that. So save yourself my friend and get some support from Alanon - they will give you the strength to do what you have to do.

Best wishes, it does get better, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

thefeatheredcat

Worthless_guy wrote: »

I've been told by many people I have to keep looking for a job and if worst comes to worst, stay on the dole as long as I look for work, and use the money to keep the house afloat

Who is advising this? Friends, family, people you know, your other siblings or SW / citizen's advice?

Your priority here is you and it should be. My actual feeling is that you and your younger siblings would be better off all leaving that house with your belongings and starting new lives. I get the impression that perhaps you don't want to leave / go to college dumping your younger siblings with the crap of little money, having to deal with your mother, the debt collectors and all that...?

I think you have to look at where you are right now and what do you see if you stay on the dole and don't try for college? What I see is that whatever money you have will be lost into a blackhole where it doesn't benefit because whatever benefit is cancelled out by your mother's actions. You and you brother are barely scrimping by supporting your sister and yourselves, at some point it is likely that the minimal responsibility your mother does undertake will get worse over time, that she won't get the bare minimum of groceries or pay off a bill or two, but leave that all to you to deal with. What then?

You shouldn't have to be dealing with phone calls from debt collectors, esb and all of that, not you and not either one of your siblings, younger and older. How much longer can you stave off being homeless? How much more can you give when you have virtually nothing yourself or how much more leeway is going to be given to you to keep a roof over your heads?

Worthless_guy wrote: »

sadly it's just us fighting this and it's becoming too much for us to take. I sit awake at night and wonder why all this is happening, if it will ever end, where I see myself in years to come.

How much more are you all willing to take, alone? Do your older siblings help out, do you have contact with them? If ye stay as you are, fending off the hounding re bills and debts, there's only so much of that you can do until you can't cope, not just financially but mentally and emotionally. Eventually you all have to be upfront and honest with yourselves about the situation. You can't live like this indefinitely as it is costing you so much, draining on you and your resources.

Your mother has had opportunities to sort herself out, but clearly she has made her choice. But her choice shouldn't prevent you from making choices and progress in your life (and this goes for all of your siblings) and stop you from getting somewhere. Staying the situation you are in from my point of view means that you're just enabling the situation to continue where you are forced to take responsibility of the parent out of no choice but to do so to fend for yourselves and will mean you could get trapped in that for how many more years. And I don't think either you or your siblings deserves to spend the next week, months, 2 years or 10 years stuck in that situation and putting your lives on hold or not leading a normal life because of the situation.

I think you should be really proud of yourself for managing all this alone, without any real support. You've tried and fought hard to keep a horrific nightmare situation in control caused by someone else and I feel you should be really proud of everything you have done.

Your family problems will only hold you back if you let them. You at least have your younger siblings but you have more than that - support in the form of AA and Alanon and what they offer, as already advised.

You are an incredible human, incredibly strong and so worth something, you have been through so much that most people would never have to deal with and that will stand to you in life. You really shouldn't be so hard on yourself or hate yourself for the situation.

Put yourself first, get your support and ask for the support and advise, find out what options are there for you and what grants you should be entitled to. Better your life, better yourself, don't settle for staying forever in the situation you are in and just barely get by while it drains your energy and life from you leaving you wasting away your life like your mother is with hers. That's her choice, that doesn't mean it's yours too.

okiss

I would agree with the above posts that you need to start putting yourself first.
I would go to the citizen information office and see what your are entitled to if you leave home.
I would then look into a plc course as you could still apply for them at this stage to start in Sep/Oct of this year. In some of the plc course if you do well you can use them to get into a diploma or degree course in college.
I would contact your father and your mother family to let them know what is happening with her as you need there help. Your mother is unwilling to help herself so why should you continue to put your life on hold for her.

I would start to get advice on your options and get ready to move out of this house to live your own life. Staying at home is not going to improve the situation as in time thing will get worse for you.
Good Luck and let us know via boards what happens.