Anyone been there?

LegacyUser

Hey guys I would really like some suggestions on what i should do before i drive myself mad!!

So I have met a guy, who i think could be the one. Hes a little older than me but totally not even relevant. He is everything I want in a guy and after a run of crap relationships he is a breathe of fresh air. He's gorgeous and clever and thoughful and a great listener and so many other things that if I keep writing i'll fill the page

There is one little downside... hes just split up with his ex. Im worried in case he doesnt really feel how he thinks he feels and that things might go belly up for us. I guess im worried im a rebound which at this stage is the last thing i need to happen. Ive been single for a couple of years, by choice, and then along he comes wrecking havoc in my head and heart! My heart is telling me to grab him with both hands and never let go but of course my head has to fight it, i guess its what ive programmed it to do over the years to protect my stupid heart

I dont know much about the relationship except that they were together for a few years and things turned sour in the end and they went their seperate ways. In a way i prefer not to know about it but I guess the not knowing is making me insecure about us and im genuinely not an insecure person and so i dont know how to handle this feeling. Im normally not one that needs to know his every move but over the last fortnight my head has been fried when I dont know where he is. Saying that I have been quite restrained and not asked as often as I wanted to. I dont want to feel like this, i actually hate what my brain is doing at the minute! I feel like I could start to wreck things if I cant settle my brain. It doesnt help that hes crap at using his phone, its like he was born in the wrong centuary and barly checks it for messages and the like, but ive always known that about him and have gotten used to waiting up to 10 or 12 hours for a reply to a text!!

Ive spoken to him about being a bit insecure and he always reassures me that he wants me in his life, thinks about me all the time and can see things being really good for us. He says he understands my insecurity and says hes slightly insecure too, i suppose considering hes not long out of a long relationship.

Im sure there are others who have been in a similar situation and id love to hear how it went in the end and if anyone has any ideas or tips on how i handle my insecurity?

Any titbits of help would be much appreciated

kjl

OMG, you actually sound exactly like this girl I'm seeing at the moment.

This is what I've said to her, stop worrying. He is obviously not out to hurt you. By being like this you are putting undue pressure on both yourself and the relationship.

I get that you have been single for a while, but don't try to force things. Relationships have to happen naturally. If you keep up this jealousy and paranoia, I 100% guarantee that it will be the cause of the break up.

Also about the phone thing, I am exactly the same, I do see the message but sometimes I'm not in the mood to write a message back, it's not a reflection on you, it's just the way I am.

The one thing that turns me off is insecurity, I like someone who is confident in who they are and not thinking that I am running off with my ex. There is a reason they broke up, and if he is happy to move on let him.

CaraMay

Most people feel even a little bit insecure at the start of a relationship so there is never really a need to tell the other person that you are insecure... Its a very offputting trait.

There seems to be nothing he can say to you to make you feel secure and thats about you and not him. Maybe time will heal this issue for you but you need to control your insecurity in the meantime..

What exactly is worrying you?

You are trying to control the whole rebound issue but you cant so stop trying and enjoy .... There are no guarantees any relationship will work out. People divorce after 40 years together so you just need to enjoy what you have when you have it...

beks101

I think you're just being over-cautious because you've been hurt before, and don't want to nose-dive into something that could be damaging for you after being single for so long.

I think that's totally understandable and probably smart; but don't do it to your own detriment. You don't want to miss out on something amazing.

What's your gut feeling about this guy and this relationship? I think everyone brings baggage to a relationship, but past experiences and insecurities aside, do you feel comfortable with him? Do you trust him at this early stage? Does he make you feel happy, safe, wanted?

I think we all get an instinct for these things quite early on and can tell whether the person is right for us or not, if we really dig deep and overlook the initial lust and butterflies.

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

What's your gut feeling about this guy and this relationship? I think everyone brings baggage to a relationship, but past experiences and insecurities aside, do you feel comfortable with him? Do you trust him at this early stage? Does he make you feel happy, safe, wanted?

I want it more than ive wanted anything in a long time! He makes me feel all those things and more and I could definately see him in my future.

I think it is myself im more insecure about than him. Im so used to being single that ive forgotten what its like to be in a relationship. I suppose I cant fully believe that he actually wants me as much as he says he does, just cant believe my luck. Ive known him a long while but not that well and ive always admired him from afar never really thinking anything would happen.

I guess everyone has an ex and his is just not as old an ex as I would like.

@kjl I get where your coming from on the confidence front and usually I am quite confident about myself but I guess I see more in this guy than I am willing to admit in case it doesnt go as Id like and I know how much I could lose by being like this but I think its the magnitude of my feelings for him so early on that has me like this, im scared of losing him even at this early stage.

I have no idea how i fell so hard and so fast for him and he has no idea how hard ive fallen :P

@CaraMay Your right I cant control the rebound thing, gotta let it go. what am i worried about?? well Im worried that he only thinks he likes me cos hes on the rebound, im worried ill fall for him totally and he'll leave. So technically nothing I guess since either thing could happen in any relationship. ah crap its seriously time to dust myself off and remember how this stuff works!!

I think this is going to take some getting used to. Its not often we get what our heart and minds really want and I definately do not want anything getting in the way of this. It could be great

Thanks for the replies you guys and for letting me rant a little, better than busting his lugs about it when as was rightly pointed out he doesnt need to know!

dannyc31

I suppose I cant fully believe that he actually wants me as much as he says he does, just cant believe my luck. Ive known him a long while but not that well and ive always admired him from afar never really thinking anything would happen.

hi OP. i have to caution this. i dont think its a healthy position to be in at the very start of a relationship. this is the katie holmes admiring Tom cruise from a far syndrome. it can be a receipe for disaster. i dont mean to be negative but in my experience the best relationships work when people are on the same level that is one person should not feel that they are lucky to have that person, punching above their weight cause he could have some many other beautiful women. you sound head over heals for him which is lovely but i just would be careful. the not texting back for 12hrs etc would be something to dig a little deeper also. as i have said here before even men who are crap with there phones normally, as soon as they meet a girl who blows them away, they cant get enough and cant stop themselves texting. on the other hand if he doesnt text for so long because he's always out doing things, playing sports, at the gym with friends etc then this is acceptable. but on the other hand if he is just sitting at home with his mobile in front of him and when you text him he looks at it and doesnt text back for 12hrs i'd have to wonder is he into you as much as you sound like you are into him.

anyway look its really nice how you are feeling so just go with it and see what happens just be a little careful and realistic also. we all want life to turn into a fairytale in the end but sometimes life just has a habit of not quite turning out as we plan it.

best of luck OP

dellas1979

I just think you are wayyyaaaayyaawayway over analysing and over thinking everything. And a little insecure on your part, and Im not really sure why (and no, your reaction/thoughts is not just about you getting "used" to a relationship). More info probably needed on that one.

What has being single, on your own, taught you? That you are fine on your own also.

Now, I mean that in the context of IF (big IF) something was to go wrong, you will survive. But you shouldnt be thinking so far into the future already. You need to think in the here and now. Ground yourself. This is what it is, now. Youll drive yourself mental overthinking it all and fast forwarding yourself to situations that havent even happened! You are going to stress yourself out and him too! Relax. And enjoy it for what it is, now.

Far too much pressure on the start of a relationship, over something neither of you can control (his recent break up). We have no control over the timing of falling for who we fall for, the timing, or what happens in the future.