Am I Being Unreasonable/Selfish?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Seen this website when looking for somewhere for advice. Hopefully you can help.

Some background first, I've been going out with my gf for 5 years now, we split for a brief period 3 years ago but sorted things out and moved on with our life together, we're both 22. Both still in University.

Last summer, we went interrailing for a month around Europe during August. Had a great time and saw so much. At the time of suggesting it, she seemed really for it, albeit a little nervous, but she gets like that about new things, and she did have a blast.

Fast forward to this summer, and during November/December we were talking about what to do next summer, and a dream of mine has always been to live in America, and we decided that we would go from the start of June until the middle of September, to New York.

She has always been a bit nervous about this, but again I thought it was her just being nervous as she would. However, a week ago, she hit me with saying how she really doesn't want to go, that she doesn't want to try get work in America and is afraid she wouldn't get work, and also that she would rather stay in Ireland and work here and then go on a holiday to the States instead.

I do see where she is coming from as one of her best friends is home from travelling around Asia in June and she wouldn't get to see much of her and I accept that. I said that if she didn't want to go, I still did and because everything is paid for, we could change her flights, and she could even come out twice over the summer for 2 weeks at a time. This did not go down well at all, and she said we should be compromising over things and that I was being selfish and only thinking of myself.

Is this true? Am I being selfish? I love her a hell of a lot, but I do worry if I wasn't to go I would end up resenting her for it later on in life. Is 3/4 months really a long time in the long run?

Feels good to even get this off my chest.

Thanks.

Neyite

You are not being unreasonable. Just because she does not want to go does not mean she gets to tell you to miss out on your dream. Is that going to be the standard for life then? If she does not like it, you also miss out. You are not joined at the hip.

Go. 3-4 months is nothing. If its a strong relationship it will survive a small timeframe like that, if its not, well, it would end anyway.

MissFlitworth

Unreasonable is cancelling already paid for plans and expecting someone else to cancel too because you've changed your mind. Definitely still go

Boombastic

Definitely go OP! Flights and all are paid for. It's your dream. You'll regret it if you don't. A couple of months is nothing in the grand scheme of things and you'll only resent her for stopping you if you don't.

Paddy Cow

If you don't go you will end up resenting her. One day you will have a mortgage, kids etc and you'll regret not taking all the opportunities you had. Everything is arranged and to be honest, she's the one being selfish here. If she doesn't want to go, fair enough but she can't expect you to cancel your plans.

Chucky the tree

It seems her idea of comprise is basically just doing what she wants no matter what.

CaraMay

Definitely go... Take this trip and enjoy. She is the one letting you down.

Big Bag of Chips

I think she doesn't understand the meaning of 'compromise'.

To compromise means to meet in the middle. You want to go, she doesn't and would just like to go for a holiday. Flights are already paid for...

The compromise here is that you go, and she visits for a holiday.

So no, you are not being unreasonable. It sounds like she's a bit of a home bird and isn't too fond of travelling. That's fine. It's not for everyone. But she shouldn't stop you doing what you want. It's only a few weeks, in reality.

You are both very young, and in a very longterm relationship.. but as another poster pointed out, you are not joined at the hip.

Good luck!

LittleBook

needhelpwithsitu wrote: »

one of her best friends is home from travelling around Asia in June and she wouldn't get to see much of her and I accept that. I said that if she didn't want to go, I still did and because everything is paid for, we could change her flights, and she could even come out twice over the summer for 2 weeks at a time. This did not go down well at all, and she said we should be compromising over things and that I was being selfish and only thinking of myself.

SHE'S backing out of an already paid for arrangement (a dream come true for you) because it suits her to stay home and hang out with her friend ... and YOU'RE the one who's only thinking of themselves?!

Your girlfriend needs to grow up and practice what she preaches.

Dark Phoenix

It was booked and paid for because the two of you agreed to go. her changing her mind without warning and expecting you to do what she wants and lose the money spent is selfish not compromise.

It sounds like she has issues about going abroad and with uncertainty which is odd when you went away together last year and when she is not going alone but they are her own issues to work out - she cannot impose them on you

dannyc31

yes there is no compromise coming from her here. her issues about travelling are not your issues. you actually kinda have to be a little selfish in things like this i.e. if you have a dream to do something, then you go for that dream and let nothing stop you.

its not a good foot to continue a relationship in any case, as others have said if her idea of compromise is you doing everything that she is 100% happy and your feelings matter feck all, then where does it end? do you want to be a door mat boyfriend giving in to her every need. fair enough if you do but if i were you i'd put the foot down tell her you understand her change of heart in travelling but that this means the world to you and its something you've got to do. work out the compromise properly as in, as someone else said, she tries to get over to you as much as possible and for as long as possible.

if she still plays hard ball then you might have to go nuclear so to speak and tell her that maybe we take a break while you are travelling and stay in contact while away as friends, she might come around then if she shes this senario possibly playing out.

LittleBook

needhelpwithsitu wrote: »

a dream of mine has always been to live in America

Thinking about it, I wonder if this is the issue. Maybe she's worried that you'll want to stay on or that you're opening the gate to eventually living there and she doesn't want to.

I still think she's being unreasonable, but this is something you might like to investigate.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies, they have really helped.

LittleBook wrote: »

Thinking about it, I wonder if this is the issue. Maybe she's worried that you'll want to stay on or that you're opening the gate to eventually living there and she doesn't want to.

I still think she's being unreasonable, but this is something you might like to investigate.

The more I think about it the more I think this may be the crux of it and it's as much about me as it is with her.

She definitely is a homebird. She finishes college when she is 24 and basically after that all she wants is to move to a specific area of Dublin which she has always loved and be married and have a family. And I have no qualms about that, if that what she wants then fair enough.

I finish my course next year and have a 3 year contract already her so I will be here until 25. But I would like to see different places, I don't really know if I would like to live away and work but that is a possibility but it really depends how I feel being away in America too.

So we do kind of have different outlooks of the future but is that enough of a reason to break up now? Or should we just take things as it goes, and then later on make decisions based on opportunities available to me/her/us.

Tbh, that's the reason we broke up a few years ago, different outlooks on where life is bringing us. But we both missed each other so much and eventually got back together a few months later. She would be an unbelievable wife and mother and I feel like I could regret it forever if I was to break up and then not get the opportunities to go abroad and see things or just not want to when I'm finished work here.

But at 22 should I even be thinking ahead about whether my gf now will be a good wife in the future or should I just be living life? Tbh, as I said to her when we got back together, if we were to break up, I probably wouldn't be getting into another relationship, I would be happy to go with the flow as I finish my work/contract and possibly go abroad afterwards.

Head is seriously muddled over the whole thing now and we're having a joint party soon so don't want to really say anything until after that.

Toast4532

OP I am 22 and to be honest, a family/mortgages/settling down/marriage etc isn't on my mind and it certainly shouldn't be on yours.

You are 22 years old, you are still so young, you should NOT cancel/change plans to suit your girlfriend, she is being incredibly selfish by telling you at the last minute that she doesn't want to go and refuses to compromise, because that's what she's doing, she's refusing to compromise and she is accusing you of being selfish and only thinking of yourself, yet, she is only thinking of herself and what wants and what will make her happy - she is not listening to you, what you want and will only be happy when she gets her own way.

If you give into her now, every a big decision like this comes up (and even small decisions) she will behave like this as she knows you will give in.

Stand your ground, and if she still won't compromise, maybe you have to rethink your relationship, she should control what you do, where you go, how long you go for etc.

sherbett32

I married at 20, was married for 10 years. Now divorced. I don't regret having been married so young, it's part of my life story.

I DO regret stuff I didn't do because I was trying to keep my husband happy (I've made up for it since).

You're only young OP, you must do your stuff, don't be held back. If this relationship is really for you you'll both be able to get to do what makes you happy.