Extremely Worried about Past and Future.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, apologies for the length of the following post, I just need a little advice and would appreciate any given.

I started college in September 2012, straightaway after doing my Leaving Cert, however I ended up dropping out at the end of November. To be honest I hated my course. It just wasn’t right for me and I realised this pretty much at the start of it but I agreed to stick it out for as long as I could for the sake of my mother.

Obviously, the fact that the course didn’t suit me was the main reason that I dropped out but there were other factors that contributed as well.

I didn’t make many friends and I found that the “friends” I made weren’t real friends at all. I didn’t really gel with anybody in my course bar two or three people who I’d talk to the odd time. Even in the campus accommodation I was staying in I felt ostracised and lonely – apart from guys who I thought were my friends but just spent most of their time trying to chance their arm with me. I had one good friend there but that’s it really. I know that many people reading this will probably put that down to the fact I was only there for under three months, but by the start of October nearly everyone was pally with one another. By the end of October I dreaded group presentations and projects because I realised I had no one to go into a group with.

The fact is I’ve always found it easy enough to make friends. Disliking college was a shock to me because I always liked school and had a nice bunch of sound friends. It’s not that I didn’t put myself out there, I did. I joined societies and I always made the effort to converse with people from my course/ accommodation. I became quite depressed and withdrawn, and even though I’ve been gone over three months I still think about the place, the people and the bad experience I had there. ( can I just add in there, that I loved the college itself, the accommodation I was staying in was lovely and the town was grand too – I wasn’t homesick one bit)

I can’t get it out of my mind, even silly things I did, say on Fresher’s week. I can’t stop checking these people’s twitter accounts, seeing how the course is going, how they’re getting on etc. It’s really pathetic. The funny thing is I only talk to one person from the college I was in and even at that, I don’t think that person likes me that much. To add to that all my old friends from school seem to be having a good time in college and have made good friends (I know that their lives aren’t perfect but they seem to be getting on a lot better than I did). And I am admittedly, slightly jealous but happy for them all the same.

It probably doesn’t help that I’ve been at home for the past three months literally doing nothing. I’ve put CVs out everywhere but I’ve heard nothing back and I feel like I’m thinking about that experience all the time because I have so much time on my hands. I try and fill my time with productive activities but it gets monotonous after awhile, coupled with the fact that my real friends are away at college during the week and some weekends also, so I really only have my parents to talk to. That gets me down and I actually feel quite depressed.

What worries me most is the thought of going back to college in September. I realise I’m extremely lucky to have the chance at another strike at college (mostly due to my parents hard work, I am so grateful for them) but on the other had I am literally ****ting myself. I’ve chosen a course that’s quite different to the previous one I chose and it’s something I’m really interested in but I’m worried that I’m not going to make friends again. That bothers me because I need friends to function, I realise that now. I’m anxious that I’ll hate the college, hate the accommodation and nobody will like me in my course. But I just want to be positive, there’s just this niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I’m going to drop out again.

I don’t know what to do, I’m at a loose end. The closer it gets to September, the more I worry. I’ve become a shadow of my former self and I really dunno what to do. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading.

looksee

Many people say they hated school, they were bullied, they were lonely, but when they went to college they got on great, made friends and enjoyed it.

You have the opposite problem. Could it be that you are a person that found the structure of school supportive, you made friends when you were younger and less self-conscious and kind of took it for granted that you would have friends? You are now finding that it takes patience and awareness and effort to make new friends, and at the same time you need to be relaxed about it.

You appear to have dropped out because of lack of social life, rather than because you did not like the course. While a social life is important at college, you are there to do a course and that should be your main concern. Concentrate on that and let other things fall into place naturally.

You say the people you got to know were not 'real' friends. Well, no, you had only known them for a couple of months, you had known your school friends for years. Be happy with a group that you can be sociable with, real friendships will come eventually, you can't force it.

I know you say you are a person who needs friends, so are a lot of people, and that's fine, you are sociable and enjoy people. But you also have to be self-reliant. Everyone has their own life to lead and so have you. You have to learn to balance enjoying a social life and relying on friends with living your own life and doing what you have to do.

When you go back to college concentrate on the course, you owe it to your parents to do that. They are giving you a second chance, that is a chance at an education rather than a social life. I don't mean that unkindly, college can be a shock after school, there is a lot of learning to do, and not all of it is from books. You can do it. Good luck.

username123

LostGirl. wrote: »

I’ve chosen a course that’s quite different to the previous one I chose and it’s something I’m really interested in but I’m worried that I’m not going to make friends again. That bothers me because I need friends to function, I realise that now.

Im going to be blunt because you are starting out in life and are likely to go through new places like college, jobs, travel etc over the next decade.

Get it out of your head that you need friends to function. You dont. Its nice if you make friends, but you do not go to college to make friends, you go to study and achieve whatever qualification you are after. Chances are you make friends along the way and if you do - thats great, but sometimes friendships take time to come together and tbh you left the last place so quick that you didnt give that aspect a chance to fully play out. The first 3 months of college have a lot of shake ups where people initially get talking, discover they dont have much in common, move on etc....

The friends problem is going to happen when you go to work as well. I know people who were miserable in jobs in their 20s because they made no friends in work. You dont go to work to make friends, you go to work to earn money. My first professional position I was the youngest by 20 years and the only female in my office - I quickly realised I was not going to be hanging around with these older married men.

Think about this seriously, are you going to drop out of college again even if you like the course this time but you dont make friends quickly? What then?

lukesmom

Time to put the past behind you. I'd advise you to try and turn all those negative thoughts into positive by focusing on the new start that awaits you in September. So you didn't get on well first time, so what? Your not going to let that tiny experience dictate the future. Try and relax, you are young. Friendships will happen when they happen. Just be yourself and let things fall into place on their own. Don't be so hard on yourself either. A fresh new start at college in September, I bet it will be a much more positive experience for you bit you must relax a bit on having to form friendships so quickly. Listen to your thoughts when they are negative and replace them with a positive thought. It mightn't be any harm to speak to a guidance counsellor either if you feel you need to talk to somebody.

TheBellJar

OP, who says you have to be best friends with the people on your course? I never really clicked with anyone on my course in college either; I was working a 35 hour week alongside it and just couldn't relate to the 'party every night, Mammy still spoonfeeds me' mentality alot of people had. So, I made a bigger effort to meet people outside of college instead! No-one says you have to be the college socialite to enjoy your time there, if you make friends great but if you don't then just make sure you have a life outside of college to enjoy also; that way it won't really bother you at all As for accommodation, can't you decide who you want to live with?

looksee

TheBellJar wrote: »

OP, who says you have to be best friends with the people on your course? I never really clicked with anyone on my course in college either; I was working a 35 hour week alongside it and just couldn't relate to the 'party every night, Mammy still spoonfeeds me' mentality alot of people had. So, I made a bigger effort to meet people outside of college instead! No-one says you have to be the college socialite to enjoy your time there, if you make friends great but if you don't then just make sure you have a life outside of college to enjoy also; that way it won't really bother you at all As for accommodation, can't you decide who you want to live with?

No, if you are in college accommodation you go in with whoever they put you with. Nicely brushing off fellas that try it on is just part of the process, if they are really making a nuisance of themselves and don't cop on when told, ask for a transfer. Everyone has to learn to adjust.

TheBellJar

looksee wrote: »

No, if you are in college accommodation you go in with whoever they put you with. Nicely brushing off fellas that try it on is just part of the process, if they are really making a nuisance of themselves and don't cop on when told, ask for a transfer. Everyone has to learn to adjust.

Well then, the OP should look for alternative accommodation. She could easily get a house share.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, OP here again.

I appeciate all your opinions and replies.

To the person who said I dropped out because of lack of social life, not true. The course I did was a course I had wanted to do for three years, the area the course was in was the only area I thought I had wanted to work in. I hated the fact that the course I was doing just didn't suit me and coming to terms with that was extremely difficult and still is. If I had loved my course nothing would have stopped me dropping out. Even if I had struggled with three or four modules I would have continued on, but I struggled with all seven of them bar one. It may come across in the post that I give up easily, but I don't. I couldn't see myself passing my Christmas exams nevermind my end of year exams, because the course was extremely difficult. I was thinking in practical terms- was I wasting money for no good reason? I spent hours in the library and more-so in the labs trying my best to understand the varying modules and even acquired extra help from lecturers but it just didn't work. By the end of my time being there, I had begun to experience extreme anxiety when it came to CA's that I had no clue of and my mental health was suffering. I had to go because I just could not cope. Having to tell my mother that I was dropping out was awful because I felt like such a failure and that I had let her down.

As I said, the fact I had no one really to talk to added to the struggle I was experiencing.
I tried booking an appointment with the councillor in the college but I had to wait three weeks for one.

I've never been a "socialite" in all my life. As I said I had good friends in school but I hardly ever went clubbing or the likes because I was focused on my studies all throughout school. You probably think I was popular in school from my post, but I wasn't. I kept my head down, had a handful of good friends, did my best with my studies and experienced problems like every other teenager. In school I was always quite independent, I never complained. If I had a problem I dealt with it myself, I've always been assertive when it comes to bullies etc. When I came into first year of secondary I knew no one. It took me time to adjust, yes, but I did. It took me awhile to make good friends too, so no, I don't believe making friends is easy. I never have.

I never expected to be friends with everyone in college, I never was friends with everyone in school anyway.

As for the person who says I just have to learn to "nicely brush of fellas". Well I did try, many a time. I consistently said to them I wasn't interested but they just wouldn't get the message. To make matters worse, the girls who were hanging out of these lads didn't like that I was getting attention (unwanted attention, may I add) so that made it all the worse. At one point one of them actually pushed himself on top of me, but I don't even want to think about that at the moment. I considered leaving the accomodation plenty of times, but I didn't want to leave my friend there. Add to that, the college was quite small - everyone knew everyone and I didn't want to make things worse for my friend or myself.

TheBellJar

OP, rent a room in a house share. Screw student life, it's obviously not working for you and that's fine. Make a life for yourself outside of college instead of having your happiness depend on your life inside of it.

Roisy7

OP you have my sympathy, it sounds like you have been unlucky, very unlucky.

I found college a bit tough to adjust to, too. Didn't help I spent all of semester 1 shacked up with a guy who dumped me in semester 2, but that's a story for another day Eventually I did make friends, people I'm still mates with, but it is hard if you're shy. My best year in college was my masters year, and I had plenty of housemate trouble along the way.

First off, those guys were actually sexually harassing you and that is unacceptable. I know it's easier to pass it off as banter, but no-one has the right to jump on you! You were well within your rights to complain to your village supervisor/campus services.

Second of all, if you do find yourself in hot water again, I urge you to sit tight and take advantage of the college counselling services, which are usually brilliant and low-cost/free. I know three weeks is a long wait but in the meantime many colleges have meditation services, or you could go talk to the chaplain if you are religiously minded.

But. As your thread title said, worried about past and future. There's no point in worrying about your past experience of college, it's over and you can't change it. And we have no way of predicting how next September will go. That's the hard truth. I would like to say that you would be unlucky to have such a nasty experience twice, but I can't guarantee that it won't happen again. But you just need to go into with an open mind and heart. I actually don't think it makes a difference whether you live on or off campus, but on campus may provide you with extra security for first year anyway.

Keep strong OP. These tough experiences can serve to make you stronger second time round. I wish you the best of luck

LegacyUser

Hey OP, just wanted to give my two cents worth on the friends situation. I'm currently in the last year of my course, and didn't really get on with anyone until this year! It was completely my own fault though as I was in a relationship and didn't put any effort into making friends as I was so focused on that relationship. So you can imagine how much of an idiot I felt when the relationship ended and I realized I was after going through 3 years of college (supposedly the best time of your life) putting no effort in socially. I went to one class party in 3 years! I just stuck with the people I was already friends with before college. Now, I'm by no means the most popular person in the class this year or anything, but I've made friends. And it's been the most enjoyable year in college for me so far. I'm saying this to you because you sound like you were putting a hell of a lot more effort in than me, so eventually you would've made friends. What I've learned to accept is that college isn't the best time in everybody's life. The sole purpose of it is to extend your education and put yourself in a good position career wise. Saying that, I do regret not making more friends and trying harder socially, but I can't change that. Friendships do happen though even at late stages in college

afterglow

Hi there OP
I was not popular in school or college either. I have dropped out of two courses also, mostly because of them not being what i thought they were, also due to lack of support as I have a disability. I found that anyone who was interested in being friends with me would only be so for a short time. It was almost like "look i'm friends with the person with the disability" then that would lose it's shine and off they'd go. I'm only saying this to make you realise that you are not alone. Making friends for me, like yourself, didn't come easy, and I am like you also in that I enjoy the company of, and socialising with people, so I found it hard when this didn't happen for me instantly. Like you, I just could not understand why everyone else seemed to always be hanging out with people and being invited to go places for lunch or nights out etc and I never was.
I think that when you find a group of people you have things in comon with, then the friendships will just come, but unfortunately, much as we might want to be friends with people, if we have nothing in comon or just don't click, then that's the way it is. Even if you do not make friends in this college course as quick as you would like, i would just say stick at it if the course area is something you are interested in. Make yourself known to people. If there is a group sitting having a coffee or whatever, go over, get yourself involved, strike up a conversation. That way, at least if you try to be involved you will feel like you've been proactive.
I know what it's like to just want to have people that you can click with and have things in comon with, talk to etc, stay strong and you will absolutely make friends somewhere along the way, you sound like a lovely person OP
best of luck

LegacyUser

Hey guys, OP here again.

I just had to post again to show my gratitude for all the kind comments. When I read the posts (the last few especially) I became quite teary eyed. Thank you for the advice and for taking the time to read my posts and reply. You don't know how much I appreciate the kind words written.

Writing the whole mess down served as a therapy in itself. I haven't really talked to anybody about my "full" experience of college, partly because my friends/family have enough worries of their own to be dealing with and also because I was embarrased. Tbh it wasn't the greatest time for me but people go through a lot worse. Like another poster said I'm just going to try and keep positive about what the future holds for me. I'm sure when September comes around I'll have matured significantly compared to when I started out last year and hopefully I'll be rearing to go.

I reflected on what a few posters said over the last day in relation to the friends issue. I have to admit, the fact that I wasn't enjoying my course really did not help my mood in college. Most days I was down because the course wasn't what I expected, added to that the one "friend" I made never really wanted me to sit with other people in the course so I generally stayed with him as I lived with him also and didn't want to fall out. I felt guilty if I left him tbh, even in the mornings when I was walking into college, if I didn't wait for him and decided to sit beside someone else he'd give me the evils so I rarely did it, just for a quiet life I suppose (I'm not trying to shift the blame, I just realise that this may have largely affected the friends issue - suprisingly enough whenever he wasn't around me - which was rare, I would talk to a lot more people and get on well with them too. I basically was with the guy 24/7 - we were even in all the same socities which prevented me from "breaking free" shall we say from his grip. )

I suppose my mistakes have been visibly pointed out to me and I've copped on a little. My number one aspiration is to enjoy my course and do the best I possibly can in it. I want to make both myself and my parents proud. But I'm also going to be my own person. I was too nice I think and I believe I need to start looking out for number one again, afterall it is my life and I really only have one last shot at college.

It's literally been only 24 hours since I posted up my first comment and I already feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm extremely grateful and I sincerely thank you all.

Roisy7

Glad you're feeling better OP. Remember that everything is temporary and the time from now til September will pass, and quickly too! Best of luck again

Boombastic

Time to put the past behind you, but it seems like you have learned from your experiences. Don't rely too much on any one person and be your own person!! Never mind evil looks etc, those are things of the playground and if someone wants to control you like that, they're not much of a friend tbh and why should you pander to their desires. Be strong, learn independence and enjoy your own company. Make a list of goals that you want to achieve (not your parents) and start to tick them off. Your parents will be proud of you if you are true to yourself.

LegacyUser

I would just tell you one thing you can't change the past but you can learn from it.
At this stage I would tell you that it is time to move on.
I would not be looking up facebook, twitter ect to see what other people are doing and saying in regard to the college course you were on. A happy photo on Facebook does not mean that there lives are prefect, that college life is wonderful ect or they have a great relationship ect.
Sometimes with school, college and work you meet a lot of people you get on with. Sometimes you realise that if you never saw them again you would not be upset.
You need to learn how to be happy within yourself. At the moment I would try to get involved with some group or organisation as this will widen the circle of people you know.
Also if you tell people you are looking for a job they maybe able to help you with this.
Would you consider doing a course in computers ect - this will give you some thing to do each day and give you a qualification.
You have a chance to go back to college in a few month time so look forward to this and don't let what happened in the past stop you from having the future you deserve.