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Is is a good idea to try meet up with an ex after 4 years?

  • 05-03-2013 2:45pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35


    Hi there,
    My first love lasted from when I was 18 to about 21. I broke this relationship off 3 times in total, but in my head it was always "the one" once I was ready.
    It's cringey to look back on but I went through a long phase of writing to her even though she is the clean break type - as in "If we're not going out, we're nothing" type, which was extremley hard, I would write her love emails, texts while drunk and stuff. When we broke up that final time I had promised to come back when I was ready. But obviously she eventually moved on, in my head the promise was valid forever, but it wasn't and when I called after 2 years, she had a new boyfriend etc etc and had moved on. I hadn't known. Might sound stupid but I actually believed we would get back together on the back of that promise when I was ready. Anyways, that was closure for me and I stopped all the texts and stuff. It was the real finish as far as I'm concerned. I simply wished her a happy Christmas about 6 months later, and said I was embarrassed now about the contact I'd made with a false idea in my head. she replied. No problems. Recently, over a year after that (about 3 years since I last saw her) I literally ended up right beside her at a gig, with her boyfriend and some friends. I was with two mates who weren't really up for the craic that night and weren't really dancing, so it weirdly looked(or maybe I was just conscious of it) that I dragged them there so I could be near her or something. Probably not though, because I didn't even try talk to her, she didn't either to me. One of my friends knows her and they spoke a little, not a lot though. I wanted to talk to her, but I thought probably the best thing to do for her was not talk to her, it was actually really tough to keep having fun or trying to, but I sort of managed it for the most part. She was with her boyfriend and friends, I left them alone, even though for a few hours we were within 10 feet of each other. At one stage I wanted to talk to a girl who was near her and even when she sensed me get close to her she walked away.
    I'd really like for it not to be awkward when we ever saw each other out. Is it too much to ask, or is it weird if I ask to meet up or just to agree that we at least say hi or something when we see each other. It feels so wrong that such a massive part of my life growing up has to be like that. I don't want a relationship or anything or even a friendship, just to have something that's not a broken thing, if you get me?

    Let me know your advice. One voice in me says leave it it doesn't matter, you've had relationships since and you'll have more. Another says, I know but it would be just nice to mend it a little so there's not this random risk of having a really awkward encouner.

    Any advice what I should do? If I should contact her and if so what should I say?
    Appreciate all advice


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 262 ✭✭ahnow


    Leave her be and don't contact her, she's moved on and now so should you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    You sound like you still have an awful lot of growing up to do.

    Actions have consequences and after dumping this poor girl repeatedly and expecting her to take you back when it suited you, your nose is now out of joint because she has moved on and can't be bothered talking to you? All of this when she's out having a nice time with her boyfriend? I don't blame her.

    Seriously mate, I'd let this one go. Contacting her is futile and will make you look unhinged and/or desperate.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,353 ✭✭✭HalloweenJack


    I'd echo the sentiments of the first two posts.

    I've been in the same position as you and I still feel pretty horrible for going back to my ex and opening up old wounds for her and messing up things with her then boyfriend.

    The fact is, after a short time, the same reasons that made me break up with her (like you, repeatedly and when things had become inconvenient for me) cropped up and I ditched her again. I'm ashamed to say, I did this more than once.

    For the sake of the two of you and your respective happiness, leave it go.

    Also, you said she's a "relationship or nothing" type and you said you don't want a relationship with her. If you considered her feelings, you'd realise you have another reason for wanting to get in touch with her. You do want a relationship. You've said yourself there's no chance of anything else with her.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 309 ✭✭dannyc31


    noooooooooooooo is the simple answer OP. look just dont do it. this question gets asked alot here and most people give the same answer that is, stop looking backwards and start looking forward. there is'nt really such a thing as "the one" there is only such a thing as "the one" at a particular time. she may have been the one when you were together but you broke up for a reason which suggests to me that she was'nt the one you will end up with. anyway you are way too young to be just giving up on what might be in the future you have plenty of time to meet a new girl who you will totally fall head over heals for. you're just in a rut and often if we dont fall in love again after a few years we start looking back to that last one that worked. its natural but my advice is get over that hump and just keep looking towards the future instead.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    I think it's pretty obvious here she has moved on, and doesn't appear to be exhibiting any symptoms of longing after you. You on the other hand appear to be obsessing over her in a 'what might have been?' kinda way.

    There's nothing to gain here. She's an ex, and unfortunately for you, you've realised too late that she might have been worth holding onto at the time.

    At this point, just move on and accept that this door is now closed. If you try and get in touch with her it will probably end badly; if she really wanted to be in touch with you, she had ample opportunity to do so and to speak to you at the concert, but it sounds like she actively sought to avoid you.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35 Michael1987


    Thanks, yeh i just sort of wanted to make it so it's not awkward when we see each other out. But you guys are right. I should just leave it. There's something about that first love that I never got over, even though I've had a recent relationship. Really I don't love her like that any more, I just hate having such a distance between someone who was my first love. Thanks for the advice, really helpful. The ego is strong in these situations and loves looking back, trying to fix everything that was ever broken. But the world is chaotic and not orderly, so I guess it's a naive fantasy to think that all that was broken will be fixed, probably best to learn from the stupidity of the past and take it to the future, however much it tugs at my heart strings.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    Just because you made a promise to yourself you'd go back to her, it doesn't mean she'd agreed to it. It's unfair to think she should wait for you to be ready for a relationship. She has a life to lead, and deserves love and affection from someone. How was she to know you'd come back at all?

    It's irrelevant now, she's with someone. I suggest you don't contact her, leave the past in the past, and just let her be happy.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35 Michael1987


    I think many of you read a question I wasn't asking, I probably didn't make it clear enough, but I have no intention of having a relationship with this person, I don't nor does she have feelings that way any more. The relationship info I gave as background, but maybe me focusing on it gave some people the wrong idea. I merely had the idea, that look - we're going to encounter each other again every so often, it's been ages, we've both moved on, wouldn't it be nice if we could say hi how are things and there would be no awkward weirdness that comes from not talking for 4 years after a 3 year relationship and then seeing each other. Some of you are quite cutting in your responses especially with for example - "your nose is now out of joint because she has moved on and can't be bothered talking to you? All of this when she's out having a nice time with her boyfriend?" - I already knew about her new boyfriend, this really does not bother me at all, I know she has moved on, and so have I, I am in fact happy for her. It's literally to do with the fact that there will be this awkwardness which I feel is unnecessary and I asked the forum for advice before seeking a adult and civil way to overcome that awkwardness. I said pretty clearly that my period of thinking she was waiting ended two years ago, and that after that I had closure in terms of a relationship and stopped any longing. I said pretty clearly in the OP " I don't want a relationship or anything or even a friendship, just to have something that's not a broken thing," Of course there are things about the first that make it always be a bit close to home, but really I don't want anything of the sort at this point. Perhaps some of you have different advice given this?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,089 ✭✭✭✭P. Breathnach


    When I read your opening post my first thought was that you had blown your chance - and I was looking at things pretty well as you have tried to clarify in your latest post. I think it would have been appropriate to greet her at the gig, nothing more than a simple "Hi, how are you?" as you might with anybody with whom you are acquainted. You don't need conversation to avoid feeling awkward; all you need is a little social acknowledgement.

    The problem now is that there is a potential for awkwardness if you meet again because you did not acknowledge her on that occasion. If you bump into her again, bite the bullet and say hi; don't invite conversation. If she seems cool with things, of course it is okay to talk.

    I think contacting her to discuss how you should behave in relation to one another would be a terrible idea. Unless you are very unusual people, you would both feel as awkward as hell.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 262 ✭✭ahnow


    OP, you broke up with this girl several times and wanted her to wait around until you were ready, this was probably very painful for her. You also initiated contact with her several times after this, even though she told you she was the clean break type-so you didn't listen to what she wanted, which probably caused her more pain, slowed down her ability to move on etc. Do her a favour for a change and just leave her alone, if she wanted contact from you she would have said hello at the gig.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35 Michael1987


    P Breathnach, your answer was very true, fair and helpful. Thank you kindly. Totally agree about contacting would be a bad idea. Many thanks.


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