Friends Wedding

doireann08

Hi there

I posted before about a "friend" of mine Sue who is getting married in May.Link to thread is below

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056782843

I let Sue and Mary(bridesmaid) know that I couldn't go to hen in January

I haven't heard from any of them since.Sue, Mary or Kate( who both me and Sue got to know through Mary)The day after I let Sue and Mary know,I get a text from Kate,asking if I would share a room with her for the wedding.I said fine.

Now I am having second thoughts about even going to Wedding or if I do, just going to church part.I haven't seen Sue since Sept.Sue has invited me to one or two events before Xmas, but I haven't gone as I had other things on.

So, do you think I should go to Wedding at all ??

Cereal Number

Why wouldnt ye??

tinkerbell

OP, I remember your previous thread and tbh, I wouldn't bother going. Sue hasn't been a friend to you so why bother going to the wedding? Just because you used to be friends but now are not really, doesn't mean you should force yourself to go for the sake of it. Send them a congrats card and leave it at that.

ABajaninCork

Why would you? Waste of time and money! Save both for people who care about you...

Stavro Mueller

I'd go along with what the others are saying. I remember the other thread too and I'm glad you didn't go to that hen in the end. It goes to show how much they think of you as a friend that you've not heard a word from them since January...

doireann08

thanks

The Hen is paddy's weekend.

I am still friends with them on facebook, so I can still see stuff on their wall- they are planning trips to festivals ( i haven't been invited)

Anyway the invitations for the wedding haven't gone out yet ( so I may not even be invited!)

ABajaninCork

Then you're worrying about nothing TBH. You haven't even been invited yet and you're wondering whether to go??

I'd just delete all from FB. They're NOT your friends, as you've been told several times already. Stop letting these people into your head!

Stavro Mueller

To paraphrase a great question asked by another poster here on a different thread, what is it about these people that is so special? You have tolerated far more shoddy treatment from them than most people would. Despite the other stories you told us and the orchestrated snub that was the hen weekend, you're still trying to cling on? Wow. Your self-worth really must be hovering around your ankles.

As for the "friends" on Facebook thing, that is utterly meaningless. Delete them and get on with your life. They're doing just fine without you playing an active part in theirs. In my opinion, you are misinterpreting their actions. Because nobody has actually told you to feck off and because you are sometimes invited to things, you're reading it all wrong.

On the Kate issue, you're in danger of ending up with egg on your face. There is every chance that you will not actually get invited to this wedding. What is the basis for you thinking you'll be asked? The continuing friendship on Facebook? So get your retaliation in first, so to speak, and tell Kate that you've changed your mind and you'll not be going. Oh, and if Kate is one of the people who was complicit in your exclusion from things, are you sure she is really your friend?

thefeatheredcat

To be honest, why would you want to spend money, time and effort to validate an individual and a group of people who have behaved, have acted and treated and treat you like you're the dirt under their shoe?

There's been no contact really of any meaningful kind since January. It's 2 weeks to the hen, there's stuff like trips to festivals on, you're not invited and you've been excluded from it, despite the after thought invite to the hen when all the flights were gone. You were asked to share a room, from everything else, it again sounds like more a convenience for them (such as a cheaper room) rather than a meaningful gesture of wanting to include you. If they wanted to include you, you wouldn't be finding out about the trips to festivals through a medium like facebook, they would be in direct contact with you.

You haven't heard from them since January. You haven't got an invite, assuming invites haven't been sent out already and whatever activities / discussion about the wedding / hen you haven't been involved in or included in.

I really don't think you should go to the wedding, assuming you do get an invite. Spend that day doing something for you, spend the money you would otherwise shell out validating a bunch of toss pot people who have shown so little regard for you (in the past and in relation to wedding / hen plans and just general awful treatment of you and general examples you provided in your last thread) on something special for yourself.

ibarelycare

They're not your friends. Sorry.

SunnyDub1

doireann08 wrote: »

Hi there

I posted before about a "friend" of mine Sue who is getting married in May.Link to thread is below

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056782843

I let Sue and Mary(bridesmaid) know that I couldn't go to hen in January

I haven't heard from any of them since.Sue, Mary or Kate( who both me and Sue got to know through Mary)The day after I let Sue and Mary know,I get a text from Kate,asking if I would share a room with her for the wedding.I said fine.

Now I am having second thoughts about even going to Wedding or if I do, just going to church part.I haven't seen Sue since Sept.Sue has invited me to one or two events before Xmas, but I haven't gone as I had other things on.

So, do you think I should go to Wedding at all ??

I'm gonna slightly disagree with previous posts here.
to be fair to Sue she invited you two events before Christmas - both events you declined. I understand that you had things on but did you arrange to meet her again after declining her other invites?

I had a small group of Friends from college.
When we finished in college we would all meet once every week or second week, One Friend in particular would ALWAYS have something else on or was busy etc, and would never make the effort to arrange another date or time with us. It got to the stage where we just stop bothering asking her out to events/nights out etc - What was the point when she was always had an excuse.

IMO she is not gonna invite or ask you to events when you always have something on. Maybe she feels that you are the one not making the effort.
I don't know the In's and out of your situation but just speaking from my own experience.

Stavro Mueller

If the situation was only based on this thread I'd be more inclined to give advice like this. However there is a history here of these particular friends excluding the OP, being downright nasty to her and generally hurting her enough to have her here asking for advice. Even one of her own friends has told her some home truths on this issue. I'm not the only poster on this thread who is familiar with the back story. And so that is why I'm giving the advice I am :-)

SunnyDub1

cymbaline wrote: »

If the situation was only based on this thread I'd be more inclined to give advice like this. However there is a history here of these particular friends excluding the OP, being downright nasty to her and generally hurting her enough to have her here asking for advice. Even one of her own friends has told her some home truths on this issue. I'm not the only poster on this thread who is familiar with the back story. And so that is why I'm giving the advice I am :-)

I have just read the last thread the op posted and I will agree the Sue sounds like a bitc*h, and I feel for the op. You haven't been treated very fairly, but I don't understand why the OP hasn't approached Sue over this and asked why she was excluded from the whole flight situation and the other events. Or why she hasn't approached the other Friend (bridesmaid) over the situation.

I'd be more inclined to find out out why they are being they way they are with you rather then just ignoring them and considering not to attend her wedding.

Maybe sue feel like the OP is not bothering so why should she. Also who's to say one of these Friends is not on boards.ie reading all these posts and wonder why Op doesn't just approach and talk to the Friends about these issues.

doireann08

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

I have just read the last thread the op posted and I will agree the Sue sounds like a bitc*h, and I feel for the op. You haven't been treated very fairly, but I don't understand why the OP hasn't approached Sue over this and asked why she was excluded from the whole flight situation and the other events. Or why she hasn't approached the other Friend (bridesmaid) over the situation.

I'd be more inclined to find out out why they are being they way they are with you rather then just ignoring them and considering not to attend her wedding.

Maybe sue feel like the OP is not bothering so why should she. Also who's to say one of these Friends is not on boards.ie reading all these posts and wonder why Op doesn't just approach and talk to the Friends about these issues.

Thanks everyone for taking the time reply.

The reason I didn't approach Sue about Hen etc, is simply put, there is no point. I have told her how I felt before, how she has treated me etc etc. We had this conversation in the summer last year. She said she felt I wasn't making an effort and I told her that she she wasn't acting like afriend should. We agreed to start with a clean slate etc. But no real effort from her side.


It became clearer that she was b*tching about me to bridesmaids and our mutual friends as they became more distant. For me the straw that broke the camels was how she told me Laura would be bridesmaid and not me( she got bridesmaid to tell me while we were all on a night out at 3am !!)

I would have considered Kate and Mary good friends, but clearly they are not. Sue is not the type of person who can say sorry when she is in the wrong.She gets very aggressive, I have brought her up on things before,but nothing has changed so why bother.

I would imagine invitations are about to go out for wedding, so I wouldn't be surprised if I am not invited. They have hurt me too much

angeline

Hi OP. I know how difficult it can be to decide to end long standing friendships. I had to do the same, it all revolved around a wedding too. I am very loyal so this was difficult for me but I knew I had to do it rather than continuously letting myself being open to being hurt. So, if you are invited, I probably would not go...

dellas1979

The thing is, Id only be prepared to say something, if I thought the person/people would listen. In this case, I dont think that they will. But you already know that.

Its easier said than done to just cut people out of your life, but sometimes, for the right reasons, we have to do this.

Your options are to go to the wedding if invited and pretend everything is ok, or if you are invited decline and cut them off/give yourself a fresh chance, or if youre not invited, still cut them off and give yourself a fresh chance.

You are better off having 1/2 close friends you can really rely on, and see the rest as acquaintances. Focus on building up good friendships rather than the bad ones youve lost. It will take time, yes, but there is no better time to start than right now.

Stavro Mueller

doireann08 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for taking the time reply.

The reason I didn't approach Sue about Hen etc, is simply put, there is no point. I have told her how I felt before, how she has treated me etc etc. We had this conversation in the summer last year. She said she felt I wasn't making an effort and I told her that she she wasn't acting like afriend should. We agreed to start with a clean slate etc. But no real effort from her side.


It became clearer that she was b*tching about me to bridesmaids and our mutual friends as they became more distant. For me the straw that broke the camels was how she told me Laura would be bridesmaid and not me( she got bridesmaid to tell me while we were all on a night out at 3am !!)

I would have considered Kate and Mary good friends, but clearly they are not.

Sue is not the type of person who can say sorry when she is in the wrong. She gets very aggressive, I have brought her up on things before,but nothing has changed so why bother.

I would imagine invitations are about to go out for wedding, so I wouldn't be surprised if I am not invited. They have hurt me too much

I've highlighted some things in bold here. Tell me, why are you still so hung up on Sue? What is it about her?

It's clear that you and Sue have been on different planes for a while. You appear to have thought you were going to be her bridesmaid. Yet she not only broke the news to you in the manner she did but when it came to the hen, you were only asked as an afterthought. After everyone else had booked flights and accommodation. It strikes me that your definition of a good friend is seriously off because it's quite a jump from thinking you're bridesmaid material to barely being invited to the hen. Wake up and smell the coffee.

You also need to take a VERY long hard look at who you consider to be your friends. Real friends don't exclude you from things, use you or hurt you. Why are you accepting this treatment from them? Honestly, you do need to cut/phase these people out of your life. They are not worth the loyalty you have shown them.

Edit: I agree with ABajaninCork below me. If you want to continue to chase after these "friends" like a girl in school trying to keep in with the cool kids, then go right ahead. You can't say you haven't been warned repeatedly. I guess you're just going to have to learn the hard way, aren't you?

ABajaninCork

OP's had several threads all along the same lines. She's been told the same thing over and over. These people are NOT her friends. It is unlikely the OP will be invited to the wedding. But she seems unable to take the facts in.

OP needs to get some self esteem, some self-awareness and some pride. Why run after these girls when it's painfully obvious they don't want to know.

Sorry to say, but I think we're talking to the wall here. I'm out. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Forever Hopeful

Op,

I have read your previous thread and this one. I don't mean to sound harsh but you are creating your own unhappiness and drama with these people.
Your posts reveal a lot and it is so sad to see. It's not clear how old you are but my guess is mid 20s which can be a difficult time in friendships.
Remember you are not the first person to go through stuff like this and you won't be the last.
The difference is the high degree of sensitivity you have. Mutual friends visiting and not contacting you is not always about you. I do concede these girls have behaved quite cruel at times.
Op, this will never change. Stop being a victim here, take control and adopt the attitude that you are better than this and deserve better than this. Stop taking scraps from them.
We have all had friends for years but you need some home truths. Stop assuming everyone thinks and behaves like you, they don't. Stop thinking that 'being there' for a friend means something all the time... It doesn't. My mum always said if you end up with 1 or 2 real friends you can count on, you are lucky.
I had a friend who took complete advantage of me when she broke up with her bf. I was there for her. Even cancelled dates with mine when I knew she was really upset. When my relationship ended, where was she? She wasn't there. I took control, realised she was never a friend but a user and we no longer speak.
I value loyalty and real friendships. I have been friends with various groups of girls over the years. The group dynamic has always been the greatest source of tension and unhappiness so I got myself out of it.
Op, you need to learn home realities of life, put yourself first because you will waste so much energy.
Might be worth getting some counselling for your esteem issues and help to change your outlook. Remember, when you change the way to look at things, the things you look at change.