Changing mind about dream guy

LegacyUser

Hi all, anybody help me clear my head


Dated a really brilliant guy for 3 months before Christmas. He was everythig I ever wanted but when we kissed it just wasn't there for me. After one cringey make out session my frustrations got the better of me. I let him go telling him I didn't feel we had any chemistry.

He tried to reach out again but I told him my feelings hadn't changed but this has felt like a bad break up. When I meet guys out I realise I let a very good one go. We are both in our 30s but I feel he was very inexperienced. I think now that I was unfair, that there was so much right that I let confused thoughts get the better of me.

I'd love to try again but I know ending things really hurt him but he does idolise me.

Anybody ever have second thoughts about chemistry and physicsl attraction and find out they were wrong?

IrishEyes19

Personally I think chemistry is everything. Unless there is a medical or underlying problem, sexual attraction is what defines a romantic partner from a friend.

I get it that you realise he is a nice guy, who would treat you right, but if it isnt there, it isnt there. To be honest that aspect has never changed for me. And it didnt improve down the line. But everyone is different and maybe other posters have other experiences of it. But for me, it didnt get better. And you dont want to hurt him either as you said.

judgefudge

I dated a guy before where the chemistry wasn't 100% there. But saying that I still found him handsome and the sex was great. Also his personality was class so that helps. I don't think chemistry is everything, but I do think it needs to be there in some form or another. I think my issue was that he wasn't very experienced, or a great kisser.

Midnight Sundance

I remember going through the very same as you. The chemistry wasn't there even though I really wanted it to be. I broke it off and regretted it after seeing other guys out. I got back with him but very quickly realised I was not only kidding myself but setting him up for another fall.
I ended it again n always wished I had just left it the first time.
I've experienced the chemistry in past relationships that people always strive for and I hope I can find it again. I don't think I could settle for less , even if it means excepting it may take me a long time to find it.
If you do go back, remember you have his heart in your hands so be careful .
Best of luck in whatever decision you make!!!

LegacyUser

Are you saying that you only made out once, in 3 months? Or that you made out reasonably frequently, and there was still nothing on your side?
You say he idolizes you, also that he could be inexperienced....any chance the combination is making him super nervous?

What stood out for me in your post is that you described him as "really brilliant....He was everything I ever wanted".
That's not nothing, it's also a world apart from blandly saying someone was a "nice guy".
So perhaps the chemistry will grow naturally as time goes on, sometimes romance is a a slow burning thing! If you're in your 30's, you've probably done the whole lightening-bolt-chemistry thing for the last 10, 15 years with various people.
For whatever reason it hasn't worked out (now maybe it's that you haven't met the right person), maybe it's time for a new approach?

LegacyUser

Hi OP, was there no chemistry there at all or is it that maybe you were expecting too much on the physical side when everything else about him seemed so great? I guess it all depends on what you want from a relationship, this or any other one. What was "cringey" about making out with him? Maybe he was picking up on your frustrations and this had an effect on him too? From what you say it sounds like he is a great guy and sometimes things need time to grow but it would be unfair on him to try again unless you were serious about it as it sounds like he's really into you.

dellas1979

Pharmacyoflove wrote: »

Hi all, anybody help me clear my head


Dated a really brilliant guy for 3 months before Christmas. He was everythig I ever wanted but when we kissed it just wasn't there for me. After one cringey make out session my frustrations got the better of me. I let him go telling him I didn't feel we had any chemistry.

He tried to reach out again but I told him my feelings hadn't changed but this has felt like a bad break up. When I meet guys out I realise I let a very good one go. We are both in our 30s but I feel he was very inexperienced. I think now that I was unfair, that there was so much right that I let confused thoughts get the better of me.

I'd love to try again but I know ending things really hurt him but he does idolise me.

Anybody ever have second thoughts about chemistry and physicsl attraction and find out they were wrong?

How long ago did you break up and what do you mean when you say you "think" he is inexperienced? Like is he 30/31 or is he mid/late?

Just think youd know after 3 months if there was chemistry. Are you sure you are not being a tad bit selfish about this? Just wondering.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. OP here

He's 32, im 31. We went out about 10 times, he was away a bit during the 3 months. Kissed a few times but at first he was very edgy as if he had never kissed somebody before. I just felt he was distant and the last time we made out he was fumbling in all the wrong ways. I guess I never spoke to him about it but just found it a turn off

dannyc31

hi OP. hope its not too personal to ask but have you two slept together yet and its just the kissing part that is awkward? if its just the kissing he may just not be a very good kisser or have much experience in this area.

but by the sounds of your post it sounds like you have'nt started a sexual relationship with him yet.

Anybody ever have second thoughts about chemistry and physicsl attraction and find out they were wrong?

this is one area of relationships where it either is or it isnt. you dont have second thoughts about chemistry because its not possible i.e. chemistry doesnt work on a conscious level its there, we know its there, its not there and we know its not. its as simple as that. if you are not feeling the physical attraction and chemistry to not doubt your gut instinct, 9 times out of 10 our gut is right.

i'm wondering what part of him was the dream man or is it just you've had awful luck meeting arseholes on the past while?

dellas1979

Pharmacyoflove wrote: »

Thanks for replies. OP here

He's 32, im 31. We went out about 10 times, he was away a bit during the 3 months. Kissed a few times but at first he was very edgy as if he had never kissed somebody before. I just felt he was distant and the last time we made out he was fumbling in all the wrong ways. I guess I never spoke to him about it but just found it a turn off

I think youd know after 3 months and 10 times of seeing each other/physical contact if it was something you wanted/felt comfortable with.

It would be mildly cruel of you to try get back with him and then do the same again, just because of your reasons that you cant find someone else, but he will do, until you cant face kissing him again.

Also, is he Irish? Just wondering if hes from a different culture/whats his background.

LegacyUser

We had not had sex, just messed about a bit.

Everything bar the physical side was perfect. He is fun, caring, kind, generous and gets me but the earth doesn't move! Maybe I expect too much. I know I have hurt him. I suspect he would take me back. I know we would be great friends and have fun but I love good sex and don't want to hurt him again

dellas1979

Pharmacyoflove wrote: »

Everything bar the physical side was perfect. He is fun, caring, kind, generous and gets me but the earth doesn't move! Maybe I expect too much. I know I have hurt him. I suspect he would take me back. I know we would be great friends and have fun but I love good sex and don't want to hurt him again

Look, I think youve answered your own questions there. Just because you think its the easier thing to you (to get back with him because you cant find anyone else) doesnt make it right. We always look back on things with rose tinted glasses, when most of it isnt the case at all. What you described about him, thats how I think of my friends! And theres nothing wrong with that.

And I was just trying to establish if he was a normal, red-blooded Irish male. But you never answered that question.

P. Breathnach

Pharmacyoflove wrote: »

We had not had sex, just messed about a bit.

Everything bar the physical side was perfect. He is fun, caring, kind, generous and gets me but the earth doesn't move! Maybe I expect too much. I know I have hurt him. I suspect he would take me back. I know we would be great friends and have fun but I love good sex and don't want to hurt him again

You said in your opening post that you felt he was very inexperienced. If that is indeed the case, then you might have made a bad call in deciding the chemistry was not there. You might have had an opportunity to initiate him, and to make him into your ideal lover.

You make him sound like a good guy, and your wish not to hurt him is commendable. But if he is that good, you should give things a chance. You owe it to him to be as honest as you can, but you can't quite say that if he responds well to sex training then you might make it as a couple. While it might be true, think of the performance anxiety that would induce!

As you have already told him that you are not sure that you and he have the chemistry, I think it might be okay to contact him and say you would like to give things another go to see if you and he might find the chemistry. You will know that it is largely the physical side of things you are looking at; he is free to think it is something different. But there is a basic honesty in letting him know that at this stage you are not making a full commitment.

And if he is okay about giving things another go, take it slowly and give him time.

dellas1979

P. Breathnach wrote: »

You said in your opening post that you felt he was very inexperienced. If that is indeed the case, then you might have made a bad call in deciding the chemistry was not there. You might have had an opportunity to initiate him, and to make him into your ideal lover.

You make him sound like a good guy, and your wish not to hurt him is commendable. But if he is that good, you should give things a chance. You owe it to him to be as honest as you can, but you can't quite say that if he responds well to sex training then you might make it as a couple. While it might be true, think of the performance anxiety that would induce!

As you have already told him that you are not sure that you and he have the chemistry, I think it might be okay to contact him and say you would like to give things another go to see if you and he might find the chemistry. You will know that it is largely the physical side of things you are looking at; he is free to think it is something different. But there is a basic honesty in letting him know that at this stage you are not making a full commitment.

And if he is okay about giving things another go, take it slowly and give him time.

I know what youre saying. And normally Id agree, but I dont think it applies here. From what shes said, I just dont think the argument is strong enough to try with this guy again, and hurt him again. She seems also to think she has some sort of leverage over him feelings-wise. Its just not conducive to wanting to be with someone and definitely not good enough to probably hurt someones feelings even further!

The facts are 3 months, 10 dates + fooling around = youd know if there was chemistry there and what to look forward to. And being a "teacher" to someone, howd you think the poor guy would feel? I think his esteem over this would be low enough. If she cared about this guy (and it seems she likes him as a friend), leave it. But its being suggested she go back in there, for wrong reasons, things she actually knows, but is turning over in her head cause she cant find someone else and break this guys heart again! No offense to the OP, but if she had met a guy in the last few months who she had chemistry with, she wouldnt give a toss about this situation! Sorry, but its true.

P. Breathnach

I'm not going to argue with that you say, dellas. But it might help OP if I say that I don't believe chemistry just happens: if both parties are prepared to invest some time, thought, and effort then the chemistry can follow.

beks101

Please don't drag this out any longer with the guy.

If it felt right, you wouldn't have felt the need to create a thread about it. It didn't, it doesn't and that's no-one's fault, it's just dating. It doesn't mean he's any less wonderful of a person, and it doesn't mean that you're a bad person, it just means the chemistry wasn't there and there's nothing more to it.

Three months is a long time to drag this out. I know you've been "unsure" all this time, and your intentions were probably honourable - give it a shot, give it some more time, wait to see if you're feelings change - but that's three months of his feelings, which were probably always strong, growing in intensity for you. So he's obviously in a place where he's falling for you and it's not really fair on him when you're not on the same page.

Don't continue to prolong it because the longer you wait, the worse it's going to hurt him. Tell him today, tomorrow, as soon as you can. Respect him and his feelings. Tell him you think he's a fantastic guy, but he's just not for you. And cut contact for a while so he can get over it.

dellas1979

Yeah, Im of the "3 months, 10 dates + fooling around = youd know if there was chemistry" variety, like her. Shes only doubting now, as he's like her safety net ("but he does idolise me" and "I suspect he would take me back"). I just think her instinct to stop is spot on. Nothing is going to change (her wants and her needs sexually/fooling around) - doesnt matter how nice a guy he is to her!

dannyc31

I'm not going to argue with that you say, dellas. But it might help OP if I say that I don't believe chemistry just happens: if both parties are prepared to invest some time, thought, and effort then the chemistry can follow.

hmmm i can see both sides of the argument here actually. on the one hand i would disagree, imo chemistry does just happen. for whatever reason it happens with someone and not the other 10 people who came before them. i think for all of us who have just had that magnetism to someone we just know its there and thats that. on the other hand i can understand the investing time to get to know someone agrument but i dont think this applies here. i think were that type of chemistry can form is where you are friends with someone for years either in your social group or in the work place, get on like best friends and all of a sudden chemistry/love strikes you like a bolt of lightening out of nowhere. that has resulted in many lasting relationships but this can not been applied to someone that you have met as a stranger and also cant be applied when you are totally aware of your lack of chemistry to the person while in reverse you know that they are crazy about you .

so in this case i would say the best thing you can do OP is let him go. as dellas1979 said, you are seeing him as a safety net which is selfish on your part even if you dont mean it, thats how its coming across. "why take a chance on getting hurt when i know i have this fella wrapped around my little finger?" is the argument. lastly do not listen to those friends who will say "ah but he's such a lovely guy, and there are alot of arseholes outthere so you should give it a go". its bull****, you know your feelings and noone else should have input on this so do the right thing for yourself and for him if you really do respect him and his feelings.

LegacyUser

Ok you both want sex - I suggest give him another chance. Mould him, and see if that does it for you. I gave a lad with little confidence a chance when his kissing and awkward 'feeling up' were killing any positive thoughts towards him. We had plenty of embarassing bedroom incidents after that but he learned what I like, and I learned patience. We had fun, grew together. Now the sex is amazing and we get married in May

dellas1979

Yeah but the difference is you felt there was something there! Shes just convincing herself!

Chronic Button

dellas1979 wrote: »

Yeah but the difference is you felt there was something there! Shes just convincing herself!

Perhaps you are being overly pushy here

dellas1979

I dont think so.

It wont be her getting hurt (unnecessarily) because of her own (and as Ive said and a few other people have said) slightly selfish reasons. Just thinking of the poor guy. Based on what she knows and says, its a non-starter, and it shouldnt be prolonged. There is nothing wrong with seeing a guy and realising that there is no chemistry! We've all been there. And we've all thought "well, maybe if it was like this....." but it doesnt change. Hes not going to suddenly turn into the needs/wants that she has. And while its lovely to be admired, its codding yourself and hurting him. No need to force it and other people get hurt/even more hurt!